They Shall Soar on Wings Like Eagles

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by GreyHeron, Nov 6, 2013.

  1. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Today it occurred to me that being honest with you my goal for the weekend was to score some sex, if it was not with Mrs Heron so be it. Often the weekend can be spoilt because that is what I want but it does not get acknowledged having accepted that was on my mind I also asked myself how I would feel on Monday through the various scenarios.
    Over the past few days I have concluded that really quality moments with my eldest son are few and far between. There are plans for my future, yes I am hoping that I will live a long life and be fit and healthy when I get there, but what quality is there in my life today? Part of the reason my life is on hold is that I am convinced there will be a more affluent honourable day around the corner. I get mad with my wife because we do not have the money for little indulgences now, I feel that she could choose to go to work or do more with the money I bring in. Yet earlier in the week I put her off doing something tomorrow and when she suggested that we ask the boys what they might like to do next weekend I remembered that I might have something to do for some of that time. Dog in a manger comes to mind.
  2. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Hi I have been reading posts of others but something that is on my mind is just reducing my life to see what it feels like, the expectation is that l would naturally be drawn to expand it again. I do worry that I am involved in governance at church and in the local key stage 1 school because it looks good or if I get my way it will look good. I shall spend time considering these questions.

    I am experiencing an irrational anxiety around one of these situations, if I am actually picking up a signal from God I will have to seriously question myself. Honestly I do not know where I would stand if it came off.
  3. Squire

    Squire Well-Known Member

    So you're saying to drop some of your commitments and simplify your life? That can really be a good idea if you're feeling overwhelmed, pressed for time, or you feel like the activities you're putting your time into are just not a productive use of your time. What would you replace those activities with in your life? Would it give you a lot of free and unstructured time that might create more PMO opportunities and temptations? Are there some other activities you have in mind that you could start if you were freed up from these responsibilities?
  4. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Thank you for the reply Squire, The intention was to simplify and see what rises to the surface. I often come here and make out that I do not have the time to do the things I have to do, sometimes I blame my wife for that. Thinking about it I allow two hours in the evening. I would like you all to think I block out one hour to regular tasks then half an hour to less regular ones and the final half an hour to relaxation/growth. By simplifying my life I would free up a theoretical hour each week. That hour is theoretical because it is not clearly defined and I do not know when I have taken more or less than that. I feel that my life is chaotic, Step One, We admitted we were powerless over ....... that our lives had become unmanageable.
    On a positive note I might rearrange my evening to see if it frees up new energy.

    If I were to be honest I want to drop the school governance thing because I feel they might be better off without me. Where at church if I tried I could lend support to a spirit of growth. This might be playing to my self-esteem issue, at school I feel like small fry but at church I could be influential.
  5. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    I don't know what is happening with my device, I have just redrafted my entry for Monday, because I could not see it, only to have the redraft refused because the device will refresh now.

    I have had mixed fortunes with the trial of concept, going forward if I can shift the relaxation to give myself an hour for the less regular, or weekly, tasks, it feels more workable. Thursdays and Fridays are going to be stressful but now is the time to grow a spine and accept the challenge knowing that it is likely to take a few iterations to get to an acceptable position.
  6. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    It has been men's fellowship morning today, what is more I came home and we went out as a family this afternoon. I am convinced that I do not like the idea of spending the money that we have but that is something that I am trying not to get in the way of having enjoyed the day.

    Fellowship was talking about living a life of purpose for God. Whilst many will be put off by some of the language used, there was a distinct message that we should never forget how we felt at our worst and continue to make changes which keep us engaged with the purpose which we first discovered at the point of total surrender. The purpose of this post was to make some effort to record what I learnt and I am now running out of time because I have become distracted.
  7. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    I am here, sorry to not be on message but at this moment, and I am sure many times when I have posted here in the past, I am failing to see the pleasure in life. I have ridden the bike against a fitness app. and the competiveness really gave me a boost, I got pleasure then. I have had a low level pleasure at work. The lack of air in the office tires me. I even got out at lunchtime and had some time in a quiet dell near to work, how very pleasurable. At clocking off time I had had enough. Honestly my addict would say nirvana is riding the bike into the house of a new lover.
    If I sit down I can write a list of reasons why I should be grateful for my life, these things just do not lift me and even the thought of having them taken away does not change my attitude.
    I admire my eldest son because he has some sort of career mapped out in his head. I just have this vague idea that I will do better sooner or later, I am not even sure what career I want to follow. Now is probably a good time to look into making changes with a view to seeing them take me into my old age. I am not sure that I will stick to the revised evening regime today
  8. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Unlike earlier in the week I am checking in here. I have not been trying to implement good routine. I think that I may have reached critical urgency with a project at work, probably too late. Life at home is testing me, I am not meeting those challenges at the moment. I would like to slip into the arms of my fantasy woman.
  9. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Coming here tonight feels like I am taking a positive step. I have been lurking on other people's journals and I only make an entry here to acknowledge that I am here and still about. Progress is slow at the moment, but in the correct direction which is good. I am being disciplined with bedtime at the moment, which can be a frustration. These things I am missing out might be all the more rewarding if I get myself into a better sleep pattern.
    Libertad likes this.
  10. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Checking in here just so that you all know where I am at. Right at this moment I am wanting the feeling to pass. This feeling that says it is alright to MO and what the heck to go ahead and view some P. Otherwise I have had two days of productivity at work. I am sure that it can get much better but it is a huge improvement on my usual behaviour. Maybe I have got it that this project has to be concluded soon and I am fast running out of time. Hopefully it is something more sustainable than that.
    I am also planning on being super busy this evening, in fact so busy I had to get stern with myself and tell myself that I was going to sit down and write this.
  11. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    I do not want to spend long on this, giving me time to read some other threads.
    I figured that I am getting disheartened by the never ending to do list. So I am hoping to report soon that an ever growing list of projects achieved will turn my mood around.
    I am also struggling to accept that I have been looking to my sons to fulfil my intentions for hobbies. I was bemoaning the fact that one of them does not want to cycle beyond the end of the road and the one that will get on a bike would never stand still long enough to show an interest in the wildlife in the area where we live. When what I should be doing is making an effort to prioritise these activities in my free time. Alternatively I could also explore with each of them the things that they want to do which might lead to new discoveries.
  12. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Hey I am still here and I really cannot believe it but I am still ticking off the days. My time is so structured at the moment that I just do not have time for PMO. This goes to show that if we build our rebooted lives with a different operating system then we can avoid acting on our temptations. Well that is what I hope is happening. I am still tempted, this is the first opportunity I have had to use a computer today. The situation I have been in includes a real live temptation which I am managing, not that I am comfortable with it. I am managing and that is an acknowledgment that the siren is calling I have stuffed my ears with beeswax and I am doing the right thing instead. I have taken up a new habit recently and I feel that is going well, today has been the biggest threat to it. When I have regained a more even keel then the lessons learnt there need to be transferred to the way I am with you guys here.

    Earlier in February I wrote on here that I was considering simplifying my life, because I wanted to do fewer things well. This week contrary to what I said then I have begun to feel that I am needed as governor at the school and maybe I should let the trustee role at church lapse for a term. This is hard because I feel there is much to do in both places.
  13. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    I read a few days back about the Advantages of Systems instead of Goals. For example loosing weight is a Goal, eating healthy is a System. This goes with stopping PMO also, like you said. Well done.
    dig deep likes this.
  14. Guy_Stewart

    Guy_Stewart Well-Known Member

    Mr. Heron ;)

    I support your move to simplify. As an "elderly fart", I have few things I focus on. Dad. My students at school (counselor). My wife and kids. My writing. That's it, in rotating order as the spirit leads.

    I am with you, my brother. Not as far along the path, but with you nonetheless.
  15. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Hi All, Thanks to Guy and Libertad for sharing their comments.
    Where I have been between Wednesday and Friday this week has included a woman who turned my head. I was aware early and watchful of my thoughts. Things ebbed and flowed there, sometimes I coped well others I could have allowed myself to obsess about my reaction. I do not know if this was due to fear or if I was resigned to my circumstances. I still do not feel selfish enough to want to PMO. Three days out of work have given me a change of gear that I can appreciate. Monday I MUST hit the ground running very fast.
    Today I have enjoyed myself like I have not done for sometime now spending a couple of hours Geocaching with my eldest son. We were successful only once but we both thoroughly enjoyed ourselves and are looking forward to going out again.
  16. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    I can see that I am amassing a streak of clean days, hopefully this is a clean install of the new operating system. I am adept at belittling myself when I fall and comparing myself with the men on here who seem to be putting in the longer streaks. I just do not have the time for PMO at the moment.

    If anything other people will tell you that I am not engaged with the normal concerns that affect them. I have not made a habit of staying late at the office nor have I brought much work home. OK I have done other things outside of work but again by comparison to others I am low key. Talking to friends the other night about my decision to engage more with the school governor role I was reminded again that the only thing I really have been passionate about is P. If I could direct some of that energy to other things I would be more content. Also I have some time off from work ahead Mrs Heron and myself have discussed what we might do, but the weather may change that so guess what I think the opportunity to do things together will be missed as will the opportunity to really value the time I have been given.

    TIME is a very special gift and I am trying to behave in a way which treasures it higher than anything else. What that means I am still learning but it feels worth finding out.
  17. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Been some time since I last posted here. Have made an effort to read certain threads but put off writing till another time and that time came much later and the moment had cooled.

    Got passionate with Mrs Heron last night, I wanted it so much that I probably raced ahead then realised that she was not with me and was now little more than a simulated fanny which took the pleasure from it for me too. I am tired because of the loss of sleep. I am sure that Mrs Heron is brooding on this episode, I feel that I should get her to talk about it but being proactive will only make things worse. I can also report that she is disappointed that one of the chores that got missed earlier in the week has not been done. When she tried to guilt me about it I told her that I was not playing, thinking that if she was really bothered there have been opportunities for her to do it. If I have the opportunity to do it tomorrow then that is what I shall do.
  18. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    It's awesome that you felt desire for your wife, GH. This is a positive sign, my friend. The reason you felt badly afterward is because that's what we do, we go to our unhappy place, because we don't think we're allowed to enjoy ourselves, or be men. Let go of the bad feelings. We aren't going to do everything perfectly. But, over all I'd say this is a positive development for you.

    Her feeling are her feelings. We don't get to decide another person's feelings or happiness. This is your journey. :)
  19. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Thanks Saville, On both your points I can comprehend something of what you say, in my head.
    We are so used to getting off on each other's pleasure we get hung up if it is anything else. To be honest it did not feel right, even from the start it was more like masturbation or what I imagine it is like hitting it off on a one night stand. I have been thinking since this that for a long time we have been in a battle zone with the occasional bout of affection but we soon get over that. In the marriage I aspire to you can switch affection and battle zone.

    I am letting her brood on her feelings. I have made very little effort to coax her out of it, in part to avoid her throwing it back at me. I have set my own agenda to a certain extent trying not to let her mood distract me too much. Yes, she has said something and I have tried to rescue the situation but I aware also that I have resisted some of the time. This evening I fixed a problem that has existed for sometime but only really had any effect today, I was berated for doing that instead of something else which she could have done.

    I have spent much of my day trying to justify sticking around here. Now it is time to close the computer before I listen to the addict whispering in my ear as I type.
    Saville likes this.
  20. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Such a long time since I wrote on this journal. I am worried that tomorrow I shall put it off and even alert to the contradictions in what I am about to write.

    Last weekend I was rolling along just not thinking about things that lead to PMO. Whilst I was stringing days together there was no growth, possible seedlings of growth, and I was not conscious of any threats to my current streak. Round the middle of the week I was feeling momentous changes. These were best described as Surrender to the current situation. If you are in the wrong place then the opportunity to catch a bus somewhere else will arise but at the moment make the best of where you are. Now at the other end of the week I am really aware of the temptation to throw all that growth away and to PMO.

    This new operating system relies on me being a sailor. I can get into a rowing boat and all the effort comes from me, I make a change then get the reward so I make another change expecting another reward. then the rewards dry up or I just get fed-up with being dissatisfied that is when I fix my troubles with P. Alternatively I can get into a motor boat and all the effort is coming from outside. I mindlessly go to work then I go home to be told what to do. Then I realise that this too dissatisfies so I seek PMO. The solution is to get into a Sailing Boat where I have to make adjustments to safely harness the power around me. Here is where I make efforts as to promote the outcomes that I think are correct and there is no opportunity to resent because I am moving towards things that are important to me.

    Time to fly as I am tired.
    Squire likes this.

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