On the edge of giving up

Discussion in 'Pornography Addiction' started by Billy53, Jul 13, 2018.

  1. Billy53

    Billy53 Member

    She left this morning. Stating that she just couldn't handle my lack of passion in my making love. She says that I am flat and don't seem to enjoy it. Well she is right and now I have lost relationship number three. Seems that I am no good at sex. I am freaking out and thinking I will just go back to masturbation and give up on women. It never works for me. I love them and then sex happens and they are always disappointed in me. Help I feel my resolve slipping away.
     
  2. themammothrept

    themammothrept Administrator Staff Member

    Hi so sorry to hear this Billy. Breakups are tough. You know that, you've already experienced this twice. You should know, then, that is gets better and the pain fades. The pain will fade faster if you allow yourself to feel it now. Don't push it away with PMO! That will only make it worse.

    If passionless sex (and perhaps PIED?) is the issue that is causing these breakups, then PMOing now while you are grieving won't help. You need to fix the underlying problem. Stop looking at porn. Go on a reboot. Abstain for however long it takes to regain your reboot sexuality. As your brian rewires itself your sexual passion will become more natural, and you will enjoy it a lot more. That, in turn, will make you more attractive while you are having sex. Give it a try, we'll be rooting for you!

    Oh, I just noticed that your counter says 500+. Is that accurate? In that case, maybe your problem isn't porn?
     
  3. doneatlast

    doneatlast Active Member

    I'm sorry to hear about this. I have a few questions... not because I think I know something you don't, but because I think they may be important to consider.

    First, was she worth it? It is unfair to say that sex should be unimportant to women... the idea that women are perverts if they want sexual satisfaction in a relationship is inherently sexist, but at the same time, I would hold women to the same standard I would hold men: love is about more than sex, and if a partner is struggling sexually, they likely need love and support, not shame. A guy walking out on a woman because she isn't performing right sexually isn't exactly a champ. I don't want to blame her for everything or call her names, but we do need some perspective here.

    Second, if she wants more intense, freakier stuff, then maybe she is also a victim of an over sexualized culture. Porn addicts can't be satisfied by real people because no real person can compete with porn. Many women are left with a sense of shame when their husbands fail to find them attractive enough to have sex with, though it isn't their fault. Do you think you might have been held to too high of a standard, much like the porn wives?
     
  4. Billy53

    Billy53 Member

    I too wonder if Porn is the problem, but on the other hand sex was great for me and seemed to be good for them too before porn. It is like porn broke me in some way that isn't getting fixed with time. I am beginning to think that porn caused the problem but isn't the problem. I don't think the problem is the distraction of porn but something that all that porn did to me that time isn't fixing. I am not sure where to go from here. It has been 2 years and 3 months now since the last time I watched any kind of porn. However sex for me has never returned to anything close to normal in all those 2+ years. Any ideas where to go next or should I just give up.
     
  5. themammothrept

    themammothrept Administrator Staff Member

    Hmm... do you struggle with anxiety? Maybe that's the issue. 2 years should be enough to fix your problem if it is caused by porn. Maybe try other sexual hacks like non-orgasmic sex (karezza), meditating and staying in the moment while you are having sex, etc. Also if you are still fantasizing and masturbating to your fantasies that might be contributing to the problem, so I would stop.
     
  6. Billy53

    Billy53 Member

    Thanks for your response. I am not masturbating so that isn't the issue. This weekend I had this sort epiphany about my problem. Before Porn and edging masturbation all I knew was sex with other people and so it was the best, it was the best of what I knew. Then I found Porn and more important I discovered edging myself for hours to finally full body orgasms. Edging was so much fulfilling than real sex that I was hooked on doing it to porn for hours and hours until is was all I did with my free time. I realized it was wrecking my life so I stopped but now it seems that my mind compares all kinds of sex to edging masturbation and they all fall way short. I don't know how to look forward to love making, at the sexual part, when it falls so short to my experiences from edging. I don't know how to reset my expectation to something less and be OK with it in my mind. Any thoughts?
     
  7. themammothrept

    themammothrept Administrator Staff Member

    Oh yes that makes a lot of sense. I have no experience with full body orgasms, but it sounds like you were quite addicted and you just may need more time to unlearn everything you learned during your PMO stage. PIED resulting from severe addictions can take longer than more typical forms of PIED. I'd say maybe you have some ways to go yet. In the meantime, I think you could help yourself rewire to real people by doing nonsexual bonding things like cuddling or have non-orgasmic sex.
     
  8. yourfriend

    yourfriend New Member

    hey buddy, don't give up.
    you just need some more steam in life, may be something that inspires you and makes you feel alive and excited about all aspects of life, not just sex - but sex also :).

    friend,
    explore 'inner engineering', just google it. this will help you. this helped me immensely over the last 1.5 years. transformed me completely, I could come out of porn and all the baggage that comes with it. felt a heightened state of energy, fitness, inner joy and passion for life (and better and more real sex) for the first time in my life. All I would say spend some time evaluating it and find it for yourself.

    #UnplugWithSadhguru

    wish you the best.
    your friend
     

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