Hi guys. I'm a 30 y/o male that's been an addict/PIED sufferer for 15 yrs. My story is different because I'm a successful, outgoing, attractive guy that's always done well in life in terms of friends, school, sports and career. Therefore, I'm the last person you'd imagine to have this issue, but it can happen to anybody. Early years My story starts when I was 15. I was a normal kid that stumbled upon porn and became hooked. While I remained focused in school and personal activities, every spare moment I had was devoted to binge sessions. When I entered college I began dating a gorgeous girl. The first time we had sex I basically felt nothing. It was a major let down. The more sex we had the less interested in it I was and it let to ED. Once my gf noticed it, it was humiliating and led to anxiety that spiraled this issue. I honestly just assumed sex was overrated, and given that she amazingly stayed w me for 4 years (!!) I never felt motivated to change. Once we moved in together though, I gradually lost interest in porn. As this happened, I miraculously got over my ED and our sex life really took off. However, we had other issues and eventually broke up at 22. Shortly after I went back to heavy binging just to cope with it and reversed any progress I made. Mid 20s For the the next few years I had a lot of success in constantly meeting hot girls and having one night stands. I'd say I had ED during 75-80% of these encounters. The only times I succeeded was if I hadn't PMOd for a few days and she performed oral. For some reason oral seems to usually work for me, but once sex starts I fade. I think its because less nerves go into oral vs sex. Eventually I started to realize that something was wrong. I'm sleeping w women that men would die for, yet don't get turned on! Because of the risk, I never slept w girls in my circle and actively avoided being set up. Around age 25 I finally figured out I had PIED. It seemed like it would be so easy to quit but it's the worst. During this period I habitually binged 3-4x, daily. Every time I tried to stop most I got was 3 days. My tastes progressed into chat rooms - making things much, much worse. I can imagine any fantasy I want. Ultimately, I was able to get off to fantasies I created in my head. So porn didn't even matter, I could think up anything- which is where I threw in the towel and chose to stop fighting the addiction at all. I was able to ignore this problem throughout my 20s though because the rest of my life was so great - amazing friends, great reviews at work, daily gym routine, etc...on the surface I had it all. Late 20s Something changed in Jan 2017. I met a girl I really liked. I live in CA and she lived in TX. We met once and stayed in touch daily. Because of my issue this motivated me to stop for 30 days - my longest EVER. I purposely avoided seeing her because of my issue. But, we finally planned a visit 1 month in and the night before I cracked badly. This destroyed my confidence and led to binging. I cancelled the trip and cut her off. This was a low point but gave me hope that I could change. Next, I met 2 other girls that I liked a lot and also wanted to date. When we first started dating I made the most bizarre excuses to not have sex (I made up a freak injury while playing baseball). This bought me around a month or so...but eventually they got impatient and once they did I cracked. We stopped speaking and I went back to binging. Today This has finally started to affect my confidence and self esteem. I've lost a few amazing girls because of this addiction. I can't look at my material success anymore to feel better. The truth is I turned 30 this Jan and am unable to have a normal sex life. Thinking about how many hrs I wasted in my 20s is depressing. I also can't share this with anybody because you can imagine the shame I feel. Nevertheless, I'm more motivated to change than ever. I had 3 30 day streaks last year. Even though it led to binging and I lost progress I know I can do it. Currently, I've met another great girl and have a shot at it again. This time I'm choosing to not make it about her and add pressure to the situation. I'm on a 25 day streak and more serious about it than ever. The past 3 girls, I always felt pressure that if I broke my streak I'd lose them, and that stress made me break. It's getting painful and I'm approaching the point where I crack. Here are the pressure points that lead to failure: 1. Work. I work in a science lab so am stuck doing monotonous activities, causing my mind to wander. Sitting in a chair for hours is hard. 2. Boredom. I recently moved to a new area and don't have as many friends. Wknds always kill me because of nothing to do. 3. Withdrawls. Few weeks in my cravings for the dopamine spikes really build up. Even imagining something raunchy just to get aroused is a major relief to me. In these moments my mind plays these tricks on me - "it's ok to check out one website"....this quickly snowballs.... 4. Stress. At my new job I have a boss that tends to set tight deadlines and stress me out. PMO has helped me deal w the stress (but clearly unhealthy). Here is what I'm doing differently. 1. Meditation. I'm on a 20 min daily 25 day streak. I like unwinding but haven't felt much from it. I hope it helps soon. 2. Activities. If I'm busy and doing things I tend not to think about PMO. 3. Focus on myself. I'm worried about keeping this current girl I like and that adds stress. What I've come to realize is girls come and go. If I lose her but can beat PMO that's all that matters. 4. Sharing. Joining this community w others that I can relate to. Reading stories helps. There is nobody I know that's had this issue ever. 5. Oral sex. This is a weird one, but I can get girls to just give me oral after dates and don't seem to have PIED. I think it's because there's no pressure and it let's me objectify them. If oral leads to real sex I break, so I think I should avoid it for a while. Any suggestions or support from this point would help, and I'm glad to have joined this movement.