Just Another Journal

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by Catharsis, May 29, 2017.

  1. Catharsis

    Catharsis Member

    Day 346
    Sunday, 10:18 AM

    Haven't been around in a while.
    Relapsed this morning. I relapsed on Thursday as well.

    It's a bit frustrating. You can do things right for 95% of the time, but all it takes is one moment of weakness, and everything comes crashing down.
    I need to start paying more attention to the mental processes.
    Need to document and name all the different things that I do to convince myself to relapse.
    Then I need to figure out how to deal with each.

    Beyond that...not too much else happening.
    Ramadan soon. Fasting is going to be a pain here.
    Daa likes this.
  2. Daa

    Daa New Member

    Go ahead man.
  3. Catharsis

    Catharsis Member

    Day 347
    Monday, 7:50 PM

    I went to see a hooker.
    Fuck me.
    Spur of the moment.
    I was just about to go home, and then the urge came over me.


    I honestly didn't think about it.
    It was like I was in some sort of dream.
    I really don't know anymore.

    @Daa thank you for the kind words man. Always appreciated.
    Daa likes this.
  4. Catharsis

    Catharsis Member

    I don't know.
    I feel like I'm going in circles.
    Again and again.

    One year of this.

    I don't have time.
    None of us do.

    I need to think about this.
    Am I serious about stopping? Because if you're sitting here reading this journal, it doesn't look like I am.

    If I truly want to stop, then what do I need to do differently.
    This has happened over and over again. And there are no signs of it stopping.
    The best predictor of behaviour is past behaviour.

    I'll see y'all tomorrow.
    I need to journal more. I need to write more.
    I need to get it all out.
    Daa likes this.
  5. Catharsis

    Catharsis Member

    Day 348
    Tuesday, 10:20 AM

    I'm going to have to read a lot of books after this.
    To try to figure stuff out.
    I've got an exam to study for though, so that should take priority.

    I'm going to start journaling at night again.
    Pen on paper. Remind myself why I do this, and what I'm doing.

    I don't really read my old journals. But when I feel myself writing the same things over and over again...that's when I know that I'm caught it loop.
    That's when I know when I have to take action.

    My goals that are relevant to the topics here are:

    Long Term Goals
    • Porn free
    • No sex workers/escorts
    • Good stable relationships
    Short Term Goals (Week 15/05/2018)
    • No porn & no PMO
    • No looking at escort sites
    Seems simple enough.

    To fix that I need the following:
    1. Avoid using devices after 9:00 pm
    2. If you have to use devices after 9:00 pm use them in public.
    3. If you aren't using the device—keep it out of sight.
    4. Journal daily (morning and evening).
    Looking is what leads to doing.
    If I look at escort site, I might go and I might not.
    If I never look, it's impossible for me to go.
  6. Catharsis

    Catharsis Member

    Day 350
    Thursday, 11:20 AM

    So I nearly relapsed yesterday.
    What saved me was writing down where/when/state/action/time of the urge.
    That's what took me out of it. I would probably have gone otherwise.

    That's something I've been missing when trying to fix the habit loop.
    There's a cue->routine->reward. I haven't been testing new routines.
    When I write down that I'm feeling a cue, I should then test a new routine.
    If I still feel the urge 10-15 minutes later, it means that the routine wasn't a good substitute.
    I need to keep that in mind.

    I finished The Fellowship of the Ring. First book I've finished in ages.
    I've tried to read it before, and I didn't really like it (at ~13 or ~14).
    This time I honestly loved it. Great book.
    I find it so strange that someone could dream and imagine so much.

    That's all for now.
  7. Catharsis

    Catharsis Member

    Day 351
    Saturday, 2:09 PM

    So I relapsed last night.
    I made a really silly mistake on an exam paper and felt really, really bad.
    Had an urge to go visit a hooker.
    Didn't and came home and relapsed in the night.
    Felt better immediately afterwards. Was not in a good state at all.
    Have mostly gotten over it now.

    What's done is done.

    Doing pretty good otherwise.
    This whole writing down when I get an urge is a really good coping mechanism.
    When I relapsed yesterday I didn't have my notebook on me, which I think was part of the reason that I did relapse.

    I've started noticing some patterns as well.
    One pattern is that I daydream/fantasize when I wake up.
    So I need to avoid lying in bed after waking up for excessive periods of time (a good practice anyway).
    If I do that then I'll avoid that habit pattern, or if I don't avoid it then at least minimise it's impact.
  8. Catharsis

    Catharsis Member

    Day 352
    Sunday, 10:45 AM

    Feeling better today.
    Just noting down when I get urges has been very helpful.

    It's also helped me differentiate between thoughts and urges.
    Urges make you move. They make you want to do the action.
    Thoughts are just thoughts, they don't move you to action.

    Maybe I'm not describing it very well, but there's a difference.
    As I start to recognise urges better, I can get better at describing the feeling that precedes them.
    It's sort of an impulse—a fire deep down inside, that makes me want to do it.

    Once I start to get better at recognising it I can start developing coping mechanisms. So far, even just writing things down has helped immensely.
    If I peek I will note it down and report it here. I've only really peeked once in the past week (what happened Friday evening), which is a big improvement.

    I definitely get the urge to peek every morning though. It's like clockwork.
    Strange how that works.

    Another time I get urges to peek is if I see attractive women.
    That might be a "duh" moment but it's true. Especially when I'm out walking and see something, then I get the urge.
    Guess that's a sign that I have problem, no?
  9. Catharsis

    Catharsis Member

    Monday, 1:17 AM

    Hmm. I feel like relapsing.
    I'm quite close.
    Maybe I should just sleep—but I need to wake up at 2:30...

    I'm going to sleep.
  10. Catharsis

    Catharsis Member

    Day 353
    Monday, 10:06 AM

    So I didn't relapse.
    I did sleep—although I didn't wake up at 2:30 am like I was supposed to.

    A small sacrifice really.

    I'm feeling pretty good so far.
    I've started to keep track of my alternative routines/coping mechanisms.

    So far I have:
    1. Journaling.
    2. Box breathing
    I'll try and come up with more as time passes, but those seem to be somewhat effective.
    We'll see how it goes.

    Essentially you have to recognise the cue.
    In my case the cue is a feeling that I should peek. The urge is generally to peek, not to PMO.
    At least so far. It's a different feeling from just thinking about PMO. There's this physical feeling that I should go and do this thing.

    Once I've recognised the cue, I need to pause. At the moment I'm doing this by writing down when and where I feel the cue.
    Once I've paused, then I need to do some other routine that satisfies the cue.
    I'm not super happy with my alternative routines, but we'll get better as we go on.

    The key to controlling relapses is to control the peeks. If you don't peek, you don't relapse.
    I've been tracking PMO's for close to 3-4 years now, but I never tracked peeks.
    An oversight on my part.
  11. Catharsis

    Catharsis Member

    Day 354
    Thursday, 9:45 AM

    So I relapsed twice.
    A bit silly honestly, but nothing crazy.

    Not too much to say, just that it happened at problem times.
    Using laptop at night and not being disciplined. I just need to keep making notes of when I slip up, and coping mechanisms and I'll beat this thing yet.
    Not too much else to say.

    Got one exam left.
  12. Catharsis

    Catharsis Member

    Day 361
    Thursday, 1:31 AM

    Haven't been journaling much, but I did relapse in the last few days.
    Think 2-3 days in a row after my last exam. Then stopped for a good few days, then relapsed again.

    Need to journal more. It's a measure of progress.
    Something that keeps me focused.

    Keeping a notepad and writing the where/when/state/etc + coping mechanisms has been quite helpful.
    Not 100% done yet, but helpful.
    Staying up late to eat is fucking me over, but what can be done.

    I'm getting strong urges to visit...but they are just illusions.
    They pass after PMO/MO.

    Finished reading The Two Towers, and The Moviegoer.
    Almost finished Return of The King.
    LOTR series is fantastic, I can't believe that I never read them before.

    The Moviegoer was so-so. Some great parts and some parts that dragged a bit.
    Identified with the main character and the general sense of malaise. Some of the writing dragged on a bit.

    Think I just need to keep journaling (morning & night) and I need to keep noting down urges, and I think I will improve.
    Really feeling the urge to visit someone a lot. Thinking about it a lot.
    Anyway. Just need to put it out of mind.
  13. Catharsis

    Catharsis Member

    Day 361
    Thursday, 8:28 PM

    Just finished watching Shame.
    As good as I remembered. Some triggers but IMO the context is enough to be able to get over it.

    That movie reminds me of myself so much.
    Brandon is lonely. That's what makes even worse.
    That's also how I feel. I isolate myself.
    Not for any reason in particular, but just because.
    He's also cold and distant from everyone. Pushing everyone away.

    Most of the time I feel fine.
    Sometimes I feel lonely, and that I need to spend time with people, but that passes.

    Why am I like this?
    I've never had any close, close friends. Not because I was social awkward or unable, it's just because I didn't really want them.
    Even now, when I spend to much time with people, I get bored. I get annoyed as well sometimes.
    That's just the way it is I suppose.

    I am who I am.
  14. Catharsis

    Catharsis Member

    Day 362
    Friday, 10:17 AM

    Feeling good.
    I'm going to try doing a mobility routine every morning—we'll see how that works out.

    Beyond that not too much else going on.
    Still getting urges every morning as expected.
    The urge is still there in the background if I'm honest.

    Think I need to go downstairs and get out of my own head.

  15. Catharsis

    Catharsis Member

    Day 364
    Sunday, 2:36 PM

    Feeling pretty good.
    Came pretty close to visiting a provider again, but didn't.

    Relapsed twice over the last couple days.
    Both times in the early morning (using laptop mindlessly).
    Apart from that, not doing too badly.

    Haven't been too faithful of writing down when I feel urges (mostly because I don't always have the notebook on me).
    Think at bare minimum I might just make a X on a notecard or piece of paper when I feel the urge.

    Getting into Wimhof breathing and stuff.
    Was reading What doesn't kill you, which is basically about him and his method.

    I need to start planning my life again.
    Deciding what I want to do and things.

    That's all for now.
  16. Catharsis

    Catharsis Member

    Day 365
    Monday, 10:39 AM

    Strong urges in the morning.
    As usual.
    Didn't peek—the key is to just to distract.
    Notice and distract.

    Holy shit, it's been one year since I started journaling.
    How much progress have I made?

    I'm not sure.
    I feel better than I did last year, for sure.
    I've done a lot more, and I'm a lot happier with where I am.

    I'm not sure how well I've done on the addiction front.
    I don't feel like I've been that successful, but hopefully I'm improving.
    Need to start planning out my day and setting goals again.
    That's all for now really.
  17. Catharsis

    Catharsis Member

    Day 367
    Wednesday, 12:19 PM

    Relapsed last night.
    Some peeking.
  18. Catharsis

    Catharsis Member

    Day 370
    Saturday, 12:23 PM

    I feel good, but I've basically relapsed the last two nights (not counting last night).
    So yeah, not great.

    Apart from that doing well.
    I need to do Jordan Peterson's future/present planning.

    I also need to finish packing, and to get the heck outta dodge.
    Getting some urges to peek/visit (especially because it'll be my last chance to do it here), but so far have held strong.

    Was listing to a Joe Rogan podcast, and he mentioned the story of Bernard Hopkins.
    The guy went to prison and then decided that he was going to be disciplined and that he was going to stop fucking up his life.
    It's all a choice.

    I'm just rambling at this point.
  19. Catharsis

    Catharsis Member

    I went to see providers.

    In this month. This sacred month.

    I really do not know what is wrong with me.

    I have no idea.

    Fuck me.
  20. Chammorrow

    Chammorrow Member

    Hey man, I am very religious too, and PMO has been the BIGGEST temptation and weakness that I have. It has lead me to do things that I can never take back, things that God isn't proud of. What you have to understand is that when you are battling with addiction and compulsions, you are partially not in control of yourself. Your body wants do something but your mind wants something else, this internal battle means that you still have a conscience about the problem at hand. If you are struggling, this is a GOOD thing. Now the question is about how you can win this internal battle. Well, you need to strengthen the desires of your mind, and lessen the ones of the body. It's like me asking how do I want to lose weight, well, a bit part is to stop overfeeding. Stop feeding your urge, you must purge yourself. I recommend a digital detox for at least three weeks. Commit yourself to praying every morning and before going to bed. Be serious about fighting this. Really think about what you want in your life and where you want to go, and tell yourself that this is the moment for change.

    I have been struggling with porn for over 6 years now, and I have had up and downs, and when I followed the advice written above, I have done very well in the reboot. When I have strayed from those principles, I have failed and relapse. Good luck, and I'll be checking your progress.
    Catharsis likes this.

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