Journal to the Centre of the Self

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by TheScriabin, Jan 4, 2014.

  1. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Active Member

    Thank you Living.

    I really appreciate your feedback :)

    To be honest, I have a similar feeling about groups, that they are only a part of the journey, and it is important to not always rely on them and at some stage when we feel ready we need to move on.

    However, in my own case, at least during this period of my life, I consider getting support from the groups of people experiencing similar problems to myself an essential part of moving forward. I don’t see the groups as an alternative to reality, but as the next best thing, an opportunity to experiment in a supportive environment what I can then feel better able to take on in the outside world. After all, depression is a reality too, albeit one that is frequently hidden and out of view.

    I have this philosophy that we need 2 types of relationship to mature: somebody who is in a better position than us, and somebody who is in a worse position than us. It is valuable to realise, no matter how down and out we feel, there is somebody who will benefit from our guidance and presence in their lives, yet it is also essential that we have somebody who is wiser than we are who we can learn from and emulate. The former is about supporting the needs of others as a 'parent', the latter is about our own need to be parented. Acknowledging and understanding archetypes is, for me, very helpful. I learned a lot about this from the book 'King, Warrior, Magician, Lover'.

    On a separate note, I made 9 days. That was the SLOWEST 9 days of my life but I think it is because my life has been richer and fuller than it has been in a long time.
    Last edited: May 12, 2018
    Living likes this.
  2. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Active Member

    Not really missing p at the moment, this is good.

    I lost my temper a bit at work today, and felt very ashamed. It’s weird, I spent many years in unsuccessful therapies trying to unblock myself, but I could never really emote (apart from express anger towards myself), and the consequences are these explosions at work. I feel really upset with myself as it runs counter to the person I like to present.

    I remember advising Londoner a couple of weeks back that a little ‘explosion’ is probably a good thing, but I don’t feel good having done it myself. Nobody was hurt, I didn’t explode at anybody, but I still made a bit of a scene and feel it was unprofessional.
    Londoner likes this.
  3. staythecourse

    staythecourse Well-Known Member

    Emotions can run rampant with no PMO, but I feel we can improve on them over time. I work with my therapist on properly expressing myself. He says I either "submit" and say nothing or lash out. We need to stand up and be assertive,but with compassion. Find that middle ground. Good learnig experience...forgive yourself and move forward.
  4. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Active Member

    I’ve been in a massive mood recently. But I don’t give a shit. I’m sick and tired of my frickin family.

    The insanity is that it’s totally normal for families to argue and get pissed off with each other, yet my family is so bleedin nice. Yet I spent years screaming at myself and beating myself up in my room, and they don’t like that because it ‘upsets everybody else.’ I suggested having a family talk, inviting my dad to be present, and I could see my mother quaking in her boots. She said, ‘What’s the point? What will it achieve?’ The subtext is of course, ‘I’m afraid and I don’t want to.’ Her voice was weak as she spoke these words. It was so clear her desire is to avoid pain rather than confront it. Nobody wants to discuss anything, the family law is simple: protect the mother at all costs, even if it means nobody can express their own feelings and everybody gets sick and medicated with whatever their drug of choice is.

    I was expressing myself in a positive way around the table last night, I haven’t done that for ages. Finally talking and jokingly again. I could just sense my elder brother seething in jealousy from the other side, brooding, not celebrating me, not sharing, just waiting for his cue to interrupt and take control. Nobody ever develops or picks up on what I say. We are a family of paper tigers. Cardboard-cutouts with smiley faces. I’m done with this shit. I was always blamed for being cruel to him, but my elder brother has always resented me and hated me, he just cannot be honest about it.

    I’ve grown a little tired of these anxiety support groups I’ve been going to. Mostly because I hate mindfullness and all the crap that people keep telling me to do, and nobody goes any deeper. They seem to associate talking about feelings with being negative and looking backwards. But there is nothing negative about the fucking truth! We are all the living embodiment of the histories we have lived, from womb to tomb, and in my view a lot of this mental manipulation just represses feelings, though I’m not surprised it’s popular with anxious types and those who don’t like confrontation and fear their own anger and aggression etc. Life is all about pain, loss, grief, anger, passion, desire, rage. Mindfulness just doesn’t make any sense to me.

    The world seemed to have more courage in the 60s and 70s where things like Janov’s primal therapy were being pioneered and there was a lot more experimentation. These deeper experiences have all but been replaced by mind-based therapies: I am a neurotic, so I better think myself better so I’m nicer to be around. Sadly, the intellectuals, the reasonables, the rationals, the over-thinkers and the critics, too repressed to go any deeper, cureently have the upper hand in the psychiatry wars. Tragically many great, great therapeutic approaches and practices were suspected and feared to be cults and were abandoned because of people’s fear of losing control of their minds. The crazy thing is, when the mind is sick, why the hell do we want to hold onto it and fight to keep that sickness?

    The worldwide malaise in all its forms.

    Anyway, I feel quite good for having got this mental clutter out. I still wonder what I’m really afraid of.

    Over 2 weeks and feeling quite easy-going about this. No great urges, have allowed myself the odd quick release, no fantasy or a least somebody I know in real life, keeping mind away from crazy porn scenarios. This has made all the difference in assisting my progress. Just feels more real.
    Last edited: May 19, 2018
  5. staythecourse

    staythecourse Well-Known Member

    Do you live at home? I have come from severe family issues, and they really don't want to confront it all, but the freedom of being on my own is huge. I work through things with my therapist, but I could never imagine living at home again.
  6. Living

    Living Active Member

    Mindfulness is all about becoming aware of what you are feeling or thinking (whether that's negative or positive) and is therefore a key to learning to deal with that. And therapies where you do take that step further, like ACT (which is ingrained with mindfulness), are never about repressing your feelings either. Perhaps it's about giving room for those feelings in a healthier way than you normally would, but repression? No way. In fact, I have been repressing my feelings for most of my life (that's what my family is good at;)) and during ACT I was taught to not only become aware of those feelings (which I was not, because I repressed anything as soon as it came up), but also to be more outspoken about the way that I feel in situations where I would particularly repress my feeling. Even if that would lead to confrontation.

    The things you describe have very little to do with mindfulness. Perhaps it's because of what certain people make of mindfulness. Sometimes very good ideas get picked up by people that do not understand them and turn them into something abominable:) Often because the very good idea is not to their liking or does not go with their perspective. To some people the part of meditation in mindfulness and the beneficial effects that come with that sounds very nice, but the part of actually making room for your feelings might be way out of their comfort zone. But you don't learn to deal with your problems by just sitting down in a lotus position. Awareness is the start, not the finish.
  7. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Active Member

    Hey thanks Living.

    Just feeling confused about everything! But it’s good we all have different feelings about things.

    Been feeling quite frustrated and angry, but I want to take this as a green light to start being more active and resolving some things and not letting my life slip away. So I’m trying to turn the anger into an energy and not just let the thoughts come and go as they please. They are bothering me for a reason.

    I have my eye on a nice Korean girl at work. She seemed very friendly and responsive when I spoke to her. She said she didn’t really like pubs, but that’s ok, not my favourite thing either, so maybe we can go for a tea or something. She’s really cute.
    Living likes this.
  8. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Active Member

    I don’t expect anybody to necessarily relate with this, but today I had an extreme social anxiety moment as I tried to go to gym, but I freaked out and just sat in the changing area for about 30 mins. Memories of being a very shy child at school events come flooding back to me. I’d also forgotten my training shoes so I felt a bit stupid, especially as I’d intended to do some weights. I then decided to go swimming instead, which has a different changing area which leads to the pool, but there was only school’s swimming happening and no public lane swimming. I walked out onto the pool area but a guy shouted me back saying there was no swimming. I didn’t ask any questions of the staff as I started to feel self-conscious and foolish, and when that takes over I find it difficult to do anything. I am also quicker to anger these days owing to feeling fed up that I still haven’t made any progress with this crap. I think my anger is self-sabotaging and suggests I don’t really want to change and improve my life. Also, not checking timetables or remembering to bring any shoes suggests a half-hearted effort, unconsciously set-up to fail.

    Also, why am I not here reflecting positively or rationally about the situation? My beating myself up and feeling sorry for myself attitude would suggest I still don’t fully understand or appreciate what it takes to get better and beat this stuff (anxiety). I could be P free for the rest of my life, but it clearly won’t make any difference to these shitty, defeatist attitudes I suffer from. Stopping P appears to have kicked up a lot of anger and frustration.

    Holy crap. I’m not surprised I put my entire being into music in order to sculpt some sort of an identity, as I struggle in virtually every other area of life.
  9. nattie

    nattie It robs your life! get rid of it!!

    I would have been embarrassed just like you if I was there in the swimming pool situation. what I notice you doing, which I do to myself a lot is to beat myself up. I have been able to direct my life in the positive direction ONLY after I have summoned the intention to be kind to myself. So while actually forgiving yourself may be difficult, please consider connecting with the intention to accept yourself (not all your actions) as a person and be kind to yourself. please check out

    TheScriabin likes this.
  10. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Active Member

    Thank you Nattie, I will try. I do struggle with this, I am a bit of a brute to myself and I don’t know where it comes from.
  11. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Active Member

    Approached 2 women today. First was very friendly and receptive. Had a good chat but didn’t ask for her number although she said she’s a regular at the coffee shop I go to quite a lot too. Second lady was a bit colder and looked at me like I was some sort of weirdo. New skills I’m learning. It’s not easy getting the balance right between being honest, vulnerable and open, but at the same time not too honest, vulnerable and open.

    The type of setting is crucial for starting conversations. Relaxed coffee shops always good places as everybody is often just bored staring at their mobile phones, which is just a cover to try to feel less awkward and alone anyway, so I felt really good being the only guy in the premises who put his phone down and struck up a conversation with a woman. She was great. Second lady was in the railway station and obviously not so willing to talk, but that’s understandable. You win some you lose some.

    Also a nice girl at work has been giving me the eye. I’ve never been that receptive to this stuff before given my anxiety. I love it now it’s happening a bit more but it really takes some major mental adjustment to build on it. It creates cognitive dissonance (my new favourite phrase ;-) getting what I’ve always dreamed I wanted; a lot of fear in this new territory, so it’s unsurprisingly very easy to sabotage it just as things start getting good. Every inch of life has to be fought for and won!!

    Getting phone numbers is the next risk I need to take. I am 99% sure this first girl would have reciprocated, yet my reluctance to ask shows how deep my habit of hiding any hint of an interest beyond being friendly is. It couldn’t have gone better, yet I still didn’t ask. Maybe that hurt her, I hadn’t considered that. I need to believe I have the right to ask, almost like it’s my duty to take that risk.
    Last edited: May 22, 2018
    cjm likes this.
  12. staythecourse

    staythecourse Well-Known Member

    Very helpful,yes. Going up to someone on the street or railway station has a low success rate. I know there are a ton of youtube videos on pickup and approaching women and Coach Corey Wayne and Mark Manson's models, etc. But, the more natural it happens, the better..Flow is the key..not being awkward, or choppy or uncomfortable,and the first part to that is a good setting. Then if you have a good natural topic to discuss, and she's receptive to it, you're doing very well. Finally, in almost all situations with women, from a dating app to in person, you will have to go from fun cute conversation to, "hey we should hang out/discuss that more/do this, whats your #?" So making that transition is necessary.

    Also, as you pursue your passions/interests/hobbies more you'll be most likely placed in situations around other women your age. This presents a good setting with common interests almost automatically. I'm also more attractive naturally, going after life. And I crave it as I have more positive and creative energy, when I'm sober from the PMO.

    Keep up the good work.
  13. Truself

    Truself Member

    I just have a question for you - When you approach women, what do you say? How do you start a conversation? Let's say you're in the station and you see an attractive girl - how do you start a conversation?
  14. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Active Member

    Been troubled by strong suicidal feelings over last few days.

    I realise that the person who writes like this is not really helping themselves. I am completely stuck. When we are most in trouble that is when we are least likely to ask for help. But at the same time you know nobody can help you, so there is no point. This is a crisis beyond the reach of kind words. I am alone and fucking terrified. I have died and given up on myself. I am sorry to everyone, most of all I am sorry to the child I once was. I am so sorry I have let you down and failed to love you.
  15. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    Hey man. I can relate to how you feel - its hard isn't it keeping it all to yourself? But you will feel better again, maybe even sooner than you think. Is there anyone you can talk to, perhaps a professional?

    TheScriabin likes this.
  16. staythecourse

    staythecourse Well-Known Member

    This will pass. This will pass. You will be OK.
    TheScriabin likes this.
  17. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Active Member

    Guys, this is very kind of you. I was scared to check responses due to the fear of being thought negative. I have only ever found people here very supportive, but my fear of negative evaluation is strong and I carry it around with me, I think due to my mother’s often hostile reactions to my problems. I’ve become frightened to reach out and say, ‘I’m in a bad place right now and am really struggling.’ Sometimes we just need to cry, we can’t even begin to engage with the enormous challenges that lie ahead. My entire character has been brought into question recently and I don’t feel I have much to fall back on that isn’t self-deception, ego, escapism, or denial.
  18. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    I am sorry to hear you're having such a difficult time right now. I wish I could take away your feelings of guilt towards others and your (younger) self. It's such a negative self-destructive feeling. Please understand that in our lives we're often not in control. We're all human and we all make mistakes. We all hurt people. You didn't have a fair start in life and now it has taken so many years before you can even start regaining a balance. But now you decided to take this step to take control over these aspects that you can control. That is really awesome. That is the greatest gift that you can give to your (younger) self. Isn't it? Forgive yourself and owe yourself to live many happy years. Owe yourself happiness and dare to dream and make those dreams reality. You deserve it!
  19. Fry2

    Fry2 Well-Known Member

    Hey mate, any chance of taking a short vacation? Sometimes going to a different place helps to feel better, a few new impressions maybe?
  20. Londoner

    Londoner Active Member

    Sorry to hear about the suicidal thoughts. Medication helped alleviate them for me to an extent, but therapy (i.e. letting my thoughts out to someone else and getting feedback) has had a much more long-term benefit.

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