Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by jjveetec, Feb 23, 2015.
Having a routine helps. Small wins every day will compound!
This, in my opinion, is an extremely insightful introspection! I haven't even thought of that, but now that I do, you're right... past positive achievements have no effect whatsoever on my current wellbeing. None. But I seem to have no problem recollecting all the missed opportunities... well, that be the brain, for you.
Apologies in advance to @staythecourse if I am sub-quoting his great post, but I believe his first point is the gate that leads to rebuilding from the ground up.
As for porn, cigarettes, drugs and alcohol consumption... it may sound bad, but believe it or not, it's just your brain's way of finding a way to avoid suffering. So, in a way, it makes sense for it to find such shortcuts. Try not to be too hard on yourself if you fail several times to get a good start. On a lower level, these shortcuts help you attenuate the suffering of 'losing your life, your love'. But of course, doing these things on the longer term will probably cause you to feel miserable about yourself, and that's when your habit loops make you suffer. To take care of that higher level of suffering, you are better off doing what makes you feel good about being you (reading 10 pages a day on your favorite subject instead of PMO'ing... travelling abroad for 2 weeks instead of stringing cocaine binges, for example). But allow yourself some time before you get there, whether this is 2 weeks or 2 months.
@staythecourse Thank you for the encoraging words. I know it has to pass, but it's difficult to picture this at the moment.....
Also... she's my wife and doesn't want divorce. She took the keys to the flat with her... which gives me hope she'll return. I have her post and we have other things together still... so my thinking is she's waiting with a decision.
Today I received letters for her... it's been two weeks and ahe didn't change the address ao far.
And yes, I have to pull myself together. Difficult task. Exactly as yiu wrote - I find it diffucult to get out of bed and eat something... let alone going to work. I am in the place we lived for 1.5 years and everything reminds me of her. Pure hell as I love her to death. And she said she loves me last time we met.
I know "no contact" would be best but we simply cannot avoid contact at the monent.
I went for a walk one time and did one workout so far. I am also regaining the ability to eat slowly. Looking into the future I see nothing. Blank
@ClimbXR and Mendoza
Thank you for being here with me. Means a lot for me. I will respond after work... my break is about to finish
ah man that sounds terrible, i can imagine how you must feel, something like this song i imagine which is particularly poignant: I find Don Mclean a source of comfort at times like this because he expresses it all so beautifully
i know its cliche, textbook stuff, but imo all you can do now is give her space to come to you and work on yourself, and lean on your friends and family for support. And when she does, im my opinion try to open up to her. i know thats not always easy for us guys
but you can take some comfort from the fact that there are many stories of these kind of situations where they do come back, if you let them go without begging etc, be strong and let your intellect rule your decisions and actions and not your emotions
my dad told me about a similar situation he had with my mum when i was going through something a little like this, she left for a time and he described how awful it was. But she came back and they've been happily married ever since
With the girl that im seeing now, she broke up with me in a pub, completely unexpected - but she came back too (although we dont live together or anything as serious as that) so "came back" is really just metaphorical in my situation
Even if she doesn't, then you know sometimes our most painful experiences are the best teachers and in the end you'll be ok again - in fact you'll be better than ok as you'll be wiser, stronger and more resilient
best of luck, one day at a time
Although I agree with @staythecourse and @Mendoza that it's good to take some time to get over it all, what you wrote here might ask for a bit of a different approach. If you believe that if you still have a chance I think it's better to start working on getting out of this as soon as possible. If she comes to pick up her mail and you're just lying in bed with a hangover that might give a whole different impression than when your up and making actual steps. It don't have to be huge steps, babysteps are fine, and between those steps it's definitly good to give your emotions some room. Be angry, be sad, whatever, but if you brought this upon yourself and you want to fix this, you need to show her that you actually want to fix yourself. But I believe you already realized that when you came back here
Thank you for your words... Yes, I am doing some steps and no chance for hangover as I quit drinking 2 weeks ago and I am not getting back no matter what.
I am changing now but sorrow and guilt I feel is overwhelming.
Thank you for the support - hearing about happy endings gives me hope. There wasn't a definitive "no" so far and I am refraining from begging her. She's very quiet at the moment -- even her brother said she doesn't contact him. Ia talk to jer mother every now and then and she says she prays for her, for me and for us....
yeah, it is hard to take action and move forward, but essential. If there is possibility of getting back together, you sure as hell don't want to be lying in bed. Need to take action..get healthy, take care of self, etc.
Its hard to say about the "feel it to heal it." Like, can we really even control how long we have to sit and feel the pain. And the really sad part, is when someone takes like two years to get over someone..that was me..I never knew how to "let go." In the end, I think "letting go" was a series of taking care of myself, bettering my life and dating other girls. People would say "just let it go." I thought of it as a single action. Its repeated actions+time. Regardless, it sounds like with a little time jjveetex may get his wife back.
Thank you again. I don't know if I'll get her back - there a signals that "maybe" (like the keys to the house) and some negative signals also. The fact that she rents a room at her "friends" house, who is guy btw, and I believe he's in love with her (but he's kind of an ugly, fat dude) is definitely a negative signal. Also, she said that "she's made a decision".... yet she doesn't want divorce and keeps my name. At some point I will do something about it all, but first I need to get a grip on myself. I've been debating stuff like hacking into her phone to listen to what they say, but decided it would be a negative move at this point. I'm on the fence here - sometimes I think it's a done deal and believe it's more than a "friendship", on other ocassions I believe nothing happened there, and it's still possible to get her back. I've spoken to her mother a few times, as we're still in contact, and she said she's "praying for me, her and ..... us". The more I sober up, the more I see there are two sides of the coin - it wasn't only me who fucked up. I don't have any female friends to run to if in need... I will find out everything in due time... Just need to build my resources. I definitely fucked-up but in normal circumstances it should be possible to reverse - forgive and get back together (if nothing happened there).
For now I left just one bad habit going - cigarettes. I know they're harmful but I don't want to quit everything at the same time - coke, alcohol and pmo are the ones I simply have to forget to keep sane in all this.... and knowing myself I will eventually rebuild myself. If there was some cunning plan against me, I will find out. Right now it's simply time to heal and get my finances right. Once it's done I will think what to do with the situation - at the moment I simply don't know what I'm going to do... I'm on the fence.
Very difficult to stay off masturbation and fantasy. Very. It used to be so easy, but now I'm back struggling again((
Yeah, I understand all that. What we want is the story. The whole picture. What is the deal. What is going on. Wanting to hack into the phone and get answers. Needing the answer. There has to be a period of time of acceptance. A period of time of being alone. It is very important to work on self. To grow and get stronger. Maybe she will come back, maybe she won't. A couple things helped me with this: 1) I don't decide. Its up to her. It cant be created/forced. So you have to let it happen. And if you contact her and try to get her back and do all you can, then you def wont. 2) Whatever is meant to happen, is truly meant to happen. Trust that you will be ok and the universe is in our favor. These concepts are so hard to trust. But you will be ok. Again, its not up to you. The only thing up to you is to work on yourself. Keep growing brother.
Indeed. Reminds me of the Khalil Gibran line I am fond of quoting:
"If you love somebody, let them go, for if they return, they were always yours. If they don't, they never were."
@jjveetec: you sound quite agitated, if I may say so, but it's totally understandable given what you fear losing. Just take a moment to realize that you don't need to take draconian measures to spy on her, or ruminate on a possible affair she may be having behind your back. These are complete, groundless fabrications of your mind. When I relapse, there is always a strange feeling that somehow I am under attack, which turns me into a paranoid of sorts. Maybe you are going through a similar pattern. Imagine, her perspective. It it is probably just as hard for her as it is for you. If her present need is to talk to someone about her hurt feelings, then that male friend is providing the time and attention she needs.. for the time being. I would be very surprised if it were sex she was after... I believe her needs are of a more emotional nature, like consolation, desire to be understood, wanting to make sense of what just happened, etc.
@staythecourse and Mendoza
You don't even realize how grateful I am for your support.... yes, you're both correct.. I discredited the idea of hacking her phone myself. I've been just playing with this idea for a moment, and gave it up after half hour or so. It was stupid to even consider it.
It is definitely just a paranoia. She told me herself there is nothing sexual - she just needs someone to listen to her and he's the right guy for it. And you're completely right about her needs being more of an emotional nature. Closeness, understanding, compassion - it was on me to give it all to her and I failed miserably
@staythecourse yes it's up to her and the only thing I can do is improve myself l. Stay clean and healthy. My friend is coming from abroad to be with me for a few days....
I understand the need for time and I will wait eternity to just hold her in my arms. It might sound crazy, but this is how it feels. I was never so sure of anything as I'm sure now I love this woman.
Today the only thing on my mind (besides her of course) is to stay clean. I'm just finishing my second week of no-alcohol rule and I'm commited to the no-pmo.
I masturbated thinking about her again.. what an idiot
I did that for ages after my messy break up with last ex. Dont beat yourself up
thank you cjm - I understand why, but it will have to stop.
I sit here and rehash everything ad infinitum.... My wife had this "friend" - a rich male guy. On this ferral night he came over and first me and him talked. He admitted that if not me he'd like to try with her. I knew they were talking over the phone, meeting to talk about "life"... and in my head the idea was born that they have a romance. So when he came over, I first told him that I want to beat the shit out of him. Than I said my wife wouldn't leave the house with him, no way.... So we made a kind of a bet - if I let her will she go? I was completely convinced that she wouldn't. I was drunk, barely remember anything. When she started packing I couldn't believe it's really happening. She'd made a choice.., I felt let down. In my head there was no reason to be with a woman like this. But I was completely drunk, slowly blacking out. I thought she wouldn't really leave, but then she left and I cursed her, called her a slut, a whore, who meets other guys behind my back. I wanted it to be over. And she left and never came back.... Today she texted me that it's really over, that I didn't "fight for her"... In my head it was a test of loyalty, in her head it must have been the same, but from the other side. I feel like a complete, utter asshole now, but I can't turn back the time. I'd run for her, grab her hand and bring her back home.... if I only could move. I play this movie in my head -- a constant loop, that doesn't let me sleep, eat, focus on anything. I feel like a complete failure.
I'm sorry you're going through this. You are experiencing ruminating thoughts. It can drive you crazy. Staying at home is not good. Also, if you dont masturbate its helpful. I believe its harmful to think about her and masturbate. Women love to test our strength. I think that may be what is going on here. They go back n forth on their decisions a lot. When she says its "really over" Im not sure if it is. You know it is when they actually dont text you ever again. So its a good sign she is texting you. The key is what you do with it. The worst thing you can do is say "baby pleasssssse take me back." Its very unmanly. Somehow you have to find a way to be manly. You can respond along the lines of: "Look, I made a mistake. And you know how sorry I am. I'll give you time. " Or "I'd like you back, but its ok if you dont want to come back." And then you cease communication. You need to learn to do that. She is testing your strength. Be very careful with your responses. Again,as I've said, no contact, is the best thing you can possibly do. At least a week. She needs time to miss and think about you.
Ah man, I feel really sorry for you. I can totally imagine that you feel really down right now. I can also imagine that you blame yourself and describing that situation with the friend that's actually pretty damn justified. Ofcourse this is not something that came out of the blue, but you fucked that situation on so many levels. I'm not gonna waste any more words on that because ofcourse you're pretty aware of that yourself. Like you said: you can't turn back time. What's done is done. Ofcourse you feel down because of what happened, everybody would, but all you can do right now is get back up and continue the path towards the things you find important. Sure, you fucked up, but that doesn't mean you are a failure, it doesn't mean you will fuck up over and over again. That's not how this works. Sometimes you do great things and sometimes you fuck up, most of the time it's somewhere in between. Things (including you and your life) change all the time. The only thing that helps you deal with this is getting back up and continue taking steps (no matter how small). If I would be religious I would pray for you, but since I'm not I can only wish to see you feeling better soon. Good luck!
Thank you guys - I have to go to work. Will get back to you.
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