Had sex with a TS and feel incredible guilty

Discussion in 'Pornography Addiction' started by lookingforhelp131, Dec 19, 2017.

  1. lookingforhelp131

    lookingforhelp131 New Member

    Hey guys,

    It is my first time posting here, I will try my best to mention everything relevant. Would be very happy to hear your opinion! Writing these words is already hard for me, I feel overwhelmed by guilt, shame and confusion. I am usually a person who is an advocate of solving ones problem on his own, but this time I feel like I can not do it alone and I don't know who else to talk to.

    I'm a 26-year-old, well educated & attractive European male (according to others). I have great male and female friendships, work out and eat healthy. I have not had many serious relationships the last years, which is mainly because I moved around a lot and commiting simply did not make sense. However, I was never dishonest with my intentions towards women, and I have heard that I am a good man.

    I have had the chance to date extremely beautiful women (objectively speaking) from all over the world in my life, or have them interested in me. That was not always the case however. When I was younger I had very strong confidence and self-esteem issues, thought I wasn't worthy of a woman's attention, and it always felt like a miracle to me when one was interested in me. This has changed tremendously in the last years however, and I would describe myself as a confident person in most areas of my life (dating still falling a bit short).

    I believe that because of that, I am still relying on a woman's validation & confirmation. I have come to realize that my confidence and self-esteem behave in a linear fashion to the amount of female attention/ sexual activity I get. Generally, being considered attractive is important to me, which is rooted in said childhood deficit I believe. I still catch myself not being able to smile back at women I find attractive and that check me out, because my immediate subconscious response is 'no way she likes me'. On a conscious level I know that it makes no sense, but subconsciously I rationalize it out in different ways, e.g. that shes mocking me or something. Sometimes I try to fight through it because I know of this, and then in the end get surprised that it worked. I am bad still bad at handling rejection however, and often take it too personal/ put myself in the center as a reason for it/ care too much about it. So my first issue is that I rely on female validation in order to feel good about myself.

    Because I thought I was 'unworthy' when I was younger, I had sex with prostitutes (which is legal in the country where I resided) when I was drunk from time to time. I would go out, feel that all the girls would want to be with other guys, felt horrible, would see a prostitute sometimes. While my 'skill' with seducing women increased, I sometimes still went to see a prostitute/ massage parlor in the last years. I have also discovered that this is usually when I feel socially disconnected/ stressed. I have seen a ted talk about the cause of drug use through social disconnectivity once, and I think that was similiar for me. Because I was/ am attractive, I often did it back in the day to get sexual validation. The last years however it was more because I found the women extremely hot, mainly due to their 'pornographic' features (big boobs, well trained, experience, etc.). I have realized that this behaviour is not healthy for me, felt guilty about it every time, and told myself to stop. But very often, I am just overcome by lust and rationalize why it is ok to do. I have watched porn when I was younger, but at some point made a decision to not do it anymore (reasons of personal health & perception of sexually, as well as of idealistic nature). Sometimes if I am really stressed I relapsed however. My second issue is hence that I want to break this cycle of using any kind of sex worker/ over stimulation/ fake sexuality.

    From watching porn however, I think I started to get a fetich for 'pegging' or being penetrated by an attractive woman with a strap-on. I found it so exciting because it seemed so forbidden and the power exchange really turned me on. I however always had big feelings of guilt when I watched it. I tried it once with a sex worker, but I did not really like it. Yet the fantasy persisted in my head, and I realized at that point that this must have been somehow induced from an external source, and not be genuine. However, I tried it again, only to realize I didnt really like it. I found out that there is a really big discrepancy between what I actually enjoy and what I think I would enjoy. I also came across 'shemale' or TS porn. Same reason here: it seemed forbidden. If the trans woman looked only a bit male, I was immediately turned off, because, and of that I am 100% certain, I feel no sexual attraction whatsoever to men. I think what turned me on was seeing a curvy, beautiful female with a paradox of a dick attached to it. After I watched those I felt equally guilty and shameful.

    The other day I visited a latin, shemale escort. Initially I was very skeptical going and almost didnt went through with it. I was incredibly nervous when I got there. She was extremely beautiful, and could easily pass by as a lingerie model. She looked 100% like a woman. I decided before I entered that if I felt like something did feel strange, I would immediately excuse myself and leave. When I walked in, I was overwhelmed by excitement, because everything seemed so surreal. We had talked shortly and then had protected intercourse, both ways. I was initially a bit freaked out that she also had a penis, and I didnt touch it it any way. I would have never done anything what I have done with her with a man, and I know that for sure. But here is my problem: Even though I saw her completely as a woman, the fact remains that she was still born with a penis. Ever since after I am switching between being kind of happy to have made a new sexual experience andexploring myself & feeling incredibly guilty, shameful, and wrong for what I have done. I feel that because I know that in the eyes of many, this would be perceived as gay. But I know for myself that it wasnt, yet I cant fully cope with it. I feel like I cant look other people in the eye. I am so confused by the whole situation because I can not 'categorize it'. Male-female is hetero, same sex is gay. But was is this? Like I said, I would never every do anything with a man, I feel repelled by it. The thing that turned me on about what I did was this natural 'abornmality' (not meant in any negative way). My third point is thus: How can I deal with this and get rid of the guilt and shame? And more importantly, what shall I do in the future to prevent myself from acting out on lust again? I do not believe that this was a healthy overall experience for me.

    EDIT: I came to the conclusion to take it as a Mantra that this was an experience that I tried out, which doesnt define me.

    Just writing the last paragraph made me overcome with guilt and shame, and I really had to push myself to finish writing it. I would really love to hear your opinion on it, because I do not know who else to talk to.

    Many regards! Hoping to be able to answer some of your concerns too :)
    Cast likes this.
  2. themammothrept

    themammothrept Administrator Staff Member

    Hey lookingforhelp, thank you for sharing your story, even though it was difficult. Porn can lead to some pretty crazy and shameful places, especially if it is supplemented with sex workers. I think it is very good that you have identified three areas of your life you need to work on. 1). Find out a way to break off your reliance on female validation. 2). Stop visiting sex workers. 3). Learning how to deal with past shame and guilt.

    Some suggestions. It sounds like you are visiting a lot of places and interacting with a lot of women, playing the "dating game" I suppose, something that it sounds like you are good at and feeds your ego. As long as you are in that atmosphere, you will need that validation from women, to let you know that you are still hot, that you still "have it." So why not give it up? Why not find a woman who interests, become serious, settle down, so to speak. Then your relationship will be based not just on how attractive you are, but other features like your personality, your interests, and your activities. Or you could take a break from dating altogether and pursue other interests.

    As for sex workers, I would say the best thing to do is to stop going. Delete all your numbers and contacts that you might have made in the sex industry, avoid that part of town, turn off your phone during the night or whatever time you usually feel the most desire to call an escort.

    And lastly, shame and guilt. This is a hard one... but I have found that shame and guilt slowly fades with time, especially if you are improving yourself and moving your life in a good, positive direction. The past is the past, there is nothing you can do about it. All you can control is what you do in this moment. Focus on that, and the past will fade away. Don't let it haunt you, it does not define you, it has no power over who you are right now.

    Hope this helps, wish you the best!
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  3. ukbritishbloke

    ukbritishbloke New Member

    Its a bit unclear what you did exactly, because you say you didn't touch the sex worker's penis at all, but you also say you had unprotected sex both ways. I'm guessing you mean the sex worker penetrated you anally with "her" penis.

    You also don't mention porn much, although your interested in pegging seems to come from porn originally.

    I agree with matthewmammot's advice.

    It's fine to be gay or bi, and it's fine to be into trans people. If that's your real sexuality, fine. But using sex workers isn't real sexuality. You need to stop that. You feel this wasn't a healthy experience for you, so you mustn't do it again. Just stop going.

    If you give up porn and sex workers and instead just respond to being with real (because you're sure you're not gay) women, I think you'll soon know (like, within a year or so) whether you really need a woman to "peg" you. If so, then you can look specifically for that. I doubt there are many but there definitely are some women who like that sort of thing. But if those thoughts go away then you can just return to normal sexuality.
  4. yearofchange

    yearofchange Your actions matter.

    I agree with above for 1 n 2. That 3rd one though..
    Why do you care what other people see it as? You know it's not gay, so who cares? My sexuality is kind of similar, where I can appreciate male beauty, I can even feel slight attraction to some, but the thought of me myself doing anything with a man is conflicting with my sexuality. Does that make me bi? gay? who cares? Sexuality is not black and white anyway, I see it as a spectrum. And this girl, super hot as you say, she had a penis and you were into pegging (which I don't see as abnormal, by the way. the prostate is a pleasure organ, for men and women. Actually, more for men because they have a larger prostate. So I don't see anything weird with pegging honestly.) Personally, i don't see anything wrong that happened, except for the fact that you care about the black-and-white view of society towards sexuality, which in my opinion is often a misguided and uneducated view that you're holding yourself to.

    Tldr; it could be a fetish. Or it could be part of your sexuality. Either way, who cares what others think. To incorrectly quote Dr Seuss: You know you, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is youer than you. N fuck everyone else
  5. lookingforhelp131

    lookingforhelp131 New Member

    Hi guys!

    I agree with many points mentioned by you guys, and I was really grateful for reading them back then, it really helped me. I also talked to a therapist who would help me.

    While I know by now that this thing is definitely porn induced for me (I do not experience the rush of passion, affection etc that I do with women, nor is there anything going on on a metaphysical level) I still struggle with fully recognizing the difference between fantasy and reality. What I mean by this is that things play out very differently in my head then they do in reality. The sexual pleasure came for me from the fact that it is something novel/ shocking and more from 'convincing' myself that this was like the fantasy, when in reality it wasn't. I realized that afterwards, but my mind can not stick to that memory or out rationalizes it and I keep watching TS porn/ look at ts escort ads from time to time to get aroused.

    However, I had a truly horrible experience for me the other day. I got weak and went to see another ts escort (in the country where I went its legal). When I entered the place something felt wrong, but I felt like I had to go through with it and it would be ok (again rationalizing towards the fantasy). I basically got a HJ/ BJ, but at some time she came closer with her dick, I felt disgusted and told her to move away with it. At some point I felt like this was all too weird for me (she also wasn't as good looking as the previous one) and I had to get out, but she was kind of weird, so I felt like something bad might happen if I just left. I told her I wanted to 'finish up' and basically just helped myself. She was sort of complaining that I wanted to end already. When I dressed up, I saw her by the window arranging the curtains. Here comes the important part. She held her cellphone in a weird way while doing it, and I got really suspicious about it. Panicking, I asked her if she was filming me, and she kept pretending she didn't understand me etc. After a few seconds my alarm cells went off so I asked her to see her phone; it looked like she had the camera screen open, so I asked to see her fotos. First she resisted, then I asked for her phone, she gave it to me and I saw in her foto album that she just recorded a video literally a minute ago. I saw my life shattered in front of me, and managed to delete it from both the normal foto folder as well as the 'recently deleted' one. She realized it and started freaking out, I asked her why she would do something like this, she ignored it and started screaming. I kept asking and at some point she said, still screaming, because I was an ass****. Things felt like they were getting really out of hand, I put the money on the bed as she demanded, quickly tried to dress as she kept screaming angrily to get out. At the end I had to grab my shoes and shirt and run out while she kept screaming and tried beating me with one of her shoes, chasing me until the stairway.

    I got out of the building and in my car and drove away. Then I got hit by this huge wave of negative feelings, feeling traumatized. I felt like I was done, realizing what kind of stupid shit I've done by going there, what kind of potential danger I put myself in, being embarrassed about what I did, feeling disgusted. The only reason why I didnt totally crack up/ break is because I had to drive and didnt want to stop on the road at night time for safety reasons. I cant remember the last time (or if ever) I have felt so destroyed on the inside, really I was completely traumatized and only holding myself together because of the adrenaline from the fear. I crashed at a friends that night who was out of town for the day while I was visiting, and I felt I needed to tell him/ her because of how I felt. In the end I decided it to be a bad idea and to wait it out until I can speak to my therapist next week. However, that is quite a long time and I just needed to ask for advice somewhere. I tried calling abuse/ sexual trauma hotlines but no one was working at that time, so I decided to post it here (also because I already shared within this group and its not too easy for me to tell this whole story someone new ).

    Once I was able to think a bit more rationally again I am pretty certain that this video is gone for good (according to the devices manfucturers support page). Really I dont even know what exactly to ask you guys. I guess I want to know how I can move forward from this and recover this trauma. Since I couldnt share it yet, I feel like its a giant, dark cloud locked up inside of me thats being kept back by a crust/ surface/ mask that I put over it so I can do my daily business and dont break down before I get a chance to talk to my therapist. I guess the only good that came out of this is that it was the final warning shot to realize how dangerous 'porn/ reality distortion' is. I'm both disgusted by the experience (I still feel like throwing up when thinking about it) and shocked by the amount of danger I was actually putting myself in without realizing it.

    I had to stop a couple of times while writing this, thinking about it makes me panic, afraid, ashamed and somewhat emasculated. I felt a bit like I dirtied my soul and I don't deserve amazing, strong and beautiful women anymore because of what I've done.

    I've already realized more than ever that I need to cut off any kind of 'visual' stimulation while masturbation for good for a while, because it will likely lead down the same rabbit hole of more shocking stuff/ reality distortion. I think it really comes down to being somewhat 'burned out' with sexual fantasies, so the brain always needs something stronger (dopamine reward system gone wrong). I've realized that getting aroused from fotos, videos etc is somewhat of a parallel to real sex. You can get aroused by it, but its so far from reality while tricking you to think it would be the same. I truly love women in their essence. Their feminity, kindness, glow, outer and inner beauty the way they smile at little things in life, how they express their emotions, how I connect with them in sensual nights. Its something so special and irreplaceable to me that I can not understand how my mind created such an 'abomination' (if that is the right word) and completely misleads me.

    I hope you guys can help me to cope with this situation right now. I really feel like im shattered.
  6. Drstrange

    Drstrange New Member

    Use this trauma to your advantage, it's your survival instinct. Use it so you can disconnect from porn and escorts. U are putting your physical and mental health in danger that's why all these anxiety and bad thoughts kick in.
  7. yearofchange

    yearofchange Your actions matter.

    Hugs man. It's gonna be okay. You're going to get through this. But if you dont want a repeat you have to look inside at the circumstances in your life that led you here. You seem to want women and girls in your life, lacking the feminine energy it seems your mind is trying its best to get what it can. That is just my impression from what I've read from your posts. What I will say is this, look not at what happened and the consequences as much as the original cause. What does this say about you? Your needs? Your wants? And the subsequent line of thought: What do you need to do to get there? And are you doing all that is in your power to get where you want to be?

    That aside it sounds like a very tough experience and I'm just glad you found out what was going on and got out. In my opinion you handled it well from that point on. From now on I'd suggest to listen to your gut feeling more. Listen to it and do what it says, irrespective of your view of other people's judgments.

    You'll get through this. Applaud yourself for reaching out and handling it well.

    And what's done is done. Now you need to know how to act and what to change so that you don't find yourself in this position again.
  8. Fortune20

    Fortune20 Member

    Bro other then the girl trying to take a video of you, its all good ... You deleted it, had another experience that you learned from (good or bad) and moved on ... My man, Ive been wit 5 Trannies and one guy in two yrs .. And ive done everything from giving and receivin anal, to giving and receivin head, kissing and cuddling, having good conversations and etc ... But at the end of the day, that was just that ... Experiences ... I enjoyed it although I would feel guilty about it later but my guy, its jus an experience... U take wat u can learn from it and move on ... Trust me when I tell u there are men that u know right now that are into the same shit and u just would NEVER know nor would ever suspect ... I got over mine after yrs of anger, guilt, shame and hocd and you can toO ... What can help you that helped me was to forgive myself, pray alot (which was so helpful with fighting the urges/bringin in a peace of mind), stop visiting escorts or any type of sexual stimuli and most importantly; STOP LABELIN URSELF ... Ur a human being, no one is perfect and we ve ALL done things we are not proud of ... Just take it for wat its worth and do more positive things in ur life and this will slowly become a thing of the past ... Im free from sex wit transexuals over 3 yrs now ... U can too
    Last edited: Jul 29, 2018
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  9. Jack ren

    Jack ren New Member

    When I read this, it really helps me with the situation. I hope it helps everyone that reads it.

    Attached Files:

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  10. Kevin Walez

    Kevin Walez New Member

    Amazing and informative story..
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  11. yourfriend

    yourfriend New Member

    Lots of great guys here. loved response from themammothrept. and I like the way you write.
    new experience - yes, but the experience definitely wasn't uplifting, as you realized.

    explore 'inner engineering', just google it. this helped me immensely over the last 1.5 years. transformed me completely, I could come out of porn and all the baggage and perversions that comes with it. All I would say spend some time evaluating it and find it for yourself.
    wish you the best.
    your friend

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