Farewell happy place

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Living, Jan 31, 2018.

  1. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    This is awesome. I meditate in my own way by moving slowly. I was always in a hurry to do everything. Ironically, I didn't do much, because just thinking about how much work it was going to be made me feel tired.

    Wow, incredible! When we're not fapping we get our shit done. I've just read a bit of journal so far, but you've got it going, my friend.
     
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  2. Living

    Living Active Member

    Been doing good. I'm feeling more in control of leading my life than I have been for quite some time. Yesterday I noticed something very nice. I have been dealing with social anxiety for a very long time and even though I made some great steps in the past, it's still something that I have a great amount of trouble with. Three weeks this actually made me pretty sad when my GF threw a party and socially things didn't really feel good for me. Yesterday I attended another party that and this was one were I was definitly anxious about beforehand. But for some reason yesterday it just worked. Sure, I was still anxious, but I had some very nice conversations with like 10 people and then some small talk with others in between. On several occassions I took the innitiative to walk up to people and have a chat with them. I definitly believe that's a great example of my current 'growth'. I'm a bit more confident and more happy in general and because of that I find it easier to take a bit of risk in situations that I'm scared of. That's good. When I read my own journal it sometimes seems like everything is going quite easy for me, but behind the screens I'm actually working pretty hard: changing habits, stepping out of my comfort zone and constantly making steps towards in the direction I like to go. And that's something that I'm proud of.

    I had the same thing. I was trying to hard to live, but wasn't actually living. I guess moving slowly can be as much help there as meditation can. In fact, particularly when it comes to mindfulness, sitting down to meditate is just a practice run. The true power of mindfulness meditation is in incoorporating it in your daily life by doing things more aware and deliberate. Moving slowly can have that effect too.

    And thank you for the other comment:)
     
    Last edited: Apr 12, 2018
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  3. staythecourse

    staythecourse Well-Known Member

     
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  4. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    Yes slowing things down can actually speed things up which is counter intuiatuve. "More haste less speed"
     
    Last edited: Apr 12, 2018
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  5. Living

    Living Active Member

    Had a bit of an argument with my girlfriend yesterday which made me feel really down. I have decided to take a 4 week vacation to work on my thesis from today on and the argument wasn't a great start. Trying to finish the draft of my thesis is making me insecure, anxious and stressed and a month ago the argument might have led me to a PMO-session or made me feel so down that I would do other things instead of working on my thesis. This morning though I picked myself and started working structurally on my thesis. It's all about making steps:)
     
  6. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    This is awesome. A thesis, or putting a rocket together, it's done one little thing at a time.

    GF and wives know just the right time, it seems, to pick a fight. A big part of it is the status-quo starts to shift as we feel healthy. I think of my wife as a two year old when she gets cranky/angry. I wouldn't argue with a two year old and so I don't argue with my wife. I always take the blame now, which costs me nothing, but gains me a lot.
     
  7. Living

    Living Active Member

    Thanx:) It is not her fault though. This thing with my thesis is a huge deal to me, but causes a lot of stress with me and by proxy with her. We would both like to see this different, but it isn't different. Neither of us is really at fault here, though in the end I'm the one that caused it. I can't really blame her that she has to deal with the fact that certain aspect of my life are fucked up and isn't always able to in the way I want.
     
  8. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Well, you're at fault, because it's your thesis. ;) That's a joke, btw. :D

    I think it's great you're getting your thesis done. That is one helluva a lot of work. Big props, bro'.
     
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  9. Living

    Living Active Member

    Thanx (once again). And although I understand it's a joke, it's actually true. As long as my girlfriend knows me (over six years) I have been working on finishing my master alongside several jobs. Although in certain ways I should have been able to finish it way before I met her, I couldn't. I have some pretty stubborn psychological issues that were really in the way of me finishing my thesis...or perhaps I should say I was in the way of finishing my thesis. I have never really understood those issues though and always thought: I have the brains, I have the motivation and I put the energy in: it should just work. And that's what I told my friends, my co-workers, my parents, my girlfriend. Time and time again I told them I was going to finish it in like half a year...and time and time again I did not. So after a while of me saying I was going to finish it that made people go "Ah, here we go again..." (even if they wanted to believe and support me).

    Two years ago I went into therapy and we tried a lot of things to get me through this and after a while it started working. Although it started slowly, instead of just making progress, week by week I was coming closer to my goal of finishing my thesis. Now I have just a few months left to finish this and while I could really use a bit of support, those closest to me are still worried that this is just another episode where I say I will finish it, but won't. I can't blame them: even though I see the progress, I myself am way to insecure about this to really believe that I can finish this. All I have is this very flimsy string of hope to hold on to. And when someone close to me (like my girlfriend) expresses his/her worries about me finishing it, that string of hope can suddenly become less then flimsy and that can really get me down, because that hope is right now the only that makes me sit down and write. So that's what happened yesterday...and that just sucks.
     
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  10. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    You've got this, Living. Go slow, smile, keep having sex, and it will get done. I was the biggest procrastinator on the planet, but by taking care of the little things I've increased my stamina exponentially. Addicts get distracted by the noise around them and almost everything IS noise: our own doubting thoughts, our SO's concerns, etc. Last year I ripped out my main bathroom and replaced everything myself. My wife nagged me incessantly. She just did not believe that I could do the job, let alone finish. Well, I fooled her. lol The bathroom looks great and I'm not particularly handy, imo. (thank you youtube handyman videos) :D I just did one thing at time and didn't get ahead of myself. I didn't imagine the bathroom done, I just did each little job as it occurred to me.

    I'm excited for you!
     
    Last edited: Apr 16, 2018
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  11. Living

    Living Active Member

    Thank you, your words are really appreciated:) And indeed:doing things step by step is the way to go.
     
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  12. Living

    Living Active Member

    Started this morning with some running (was a great day for that), then had breakfast, took a shower, did my meditation and started working on my thesis. A friend of mine emailed me about a job-opening I might be interested in. That was nice of him and it was actually a job I would really like. In fact, two years I send an unsolicited application for pretty much that job. They didn't have any openings at that time, but this morning I had contact with the manager there and I'm definitly going to apply. The favors are slighty against me, because they have a policy where internal staff has the preference, but we'll see. It would be nice.

    My thesis is going a bit slower than I planned, but I'm definitly making progress. I'm ticking off sections a couple of times a day (@Saville : doing one thing at a time, right?) and that really feels good. Perhaps my planning was a little bit too optimistic, but at least I'm getting closer to my goals:)
     
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  13. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    That's what she said! lol She, being my wife, when the bathroom seemed to take forever. There's a rhythm to most things. I guess we could say "it takes the time it takes."

    It's interesting about that job. It seems now that you're ready for such an occupation, one is opening up for you. :)
     
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  14. Living

    Living Active Member

    I really like birds:) I wouldn't go as far as considering myself a birder, but I love watching them and I know a thing or two about them. One thing I've been interested in for a while is birdsong. Although it's not that hard to recognize different songs and calls for me it seemed hard to learn which bird is which. I mean: in my close vicinity there are probably well over 50 bird species. I thought it just wasn't for me. Anyway, two weeks ago I was listening to a radioshow where they explained the different sounds of tits*. Suddenly I got a little bit of hang of these sounds and when I heard them in my garden I was like: "Ah, that's a blue tit!" or "Hmmm, I think that's a great tit!" And since I've been reading about fixed and growth mindset for a while, I thought that perhaps I should drop the 'maybe this isn't for me'-attitude, put some time and effort into it and actually try to learn this. So I started that. I started listening to sounds of the most common birds in my garden and yesterday I've downloaded BirdUp which is like Shazam, but for bird sounds. Although a lot of the results are incorrect (you can judge by looking at the percentage of the match and by listening to the sound it should be), it's actually able to pinpoint at least some of the birds and it really helps me to create like a basic knowledge of birdsounds. It's really awesome. I actually wanted to download a similar app called Warblr, but that seems to have dissappeared.

    Now some of the readers of this journal might wonder why I just spend a whole paragraph on bird sounds. Well, why I wanted to put this here is for three reasons: 1) I want to work on living towards my values (spending time in nature is one of those), 2) I sometimes have a fixed mindset and I want to learn to learn and 3) in a way this is mindfulness. This last one I realized yesterday. Mindfulness is all about cultivating awareness, broadening your world by listening closely to birdsong is a great way to do that. It really triggers curiousity. And...it's awesome:)

    *I know I talk about birds and tits, but trust me, there is no hidden message here;)
     
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  15. Living

    Living Active Member

    The last few days there were noticable more urges than the weeks before. It's not like I want to sit down and PMO, but it crosses my mind more often. I think it's due to the stress caused by working on my thesis and actually trying to finish it on the one hand and the nice weather and girls in more revealing clothing on the other hand. Up till now it's perfectly managable though. Plus, I chose to see it as an opportunity. I have my bad habit under control for 95% of the time, but ofcourse there are still situations that are a bit harder. There is more to gain from learning to deal with that last 5% then there is for dealing with the 95%. So that's what I try to do. Since I've mainly used porn as my happy place I try to the experience the negative feelings and thoughs that come with the stress. It's a good way to make some progress:)

    On the good note (well, the other was not really that bad either): I finished the first chapter of my thesis. It consists of 6 chapters including the introduction and conclusion. My goal was to have the first two chapters finished yesterday, but it turned out that wasn't really realistic, so halfway I decided that I really wanted the first one done. I did and I'm proud of that. For me that was a big step. To celibrate it I donated some money to a charity I find really important and ordered I book I wanted for a while. Oh, and besides finishing the chapter I also completely cleaned up the shed and made some major adjustments there. So I defenitly had a good week where I got some important stuff done!
     
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  16. staythecourse

    staythecourse Well-Known Member


    Sounds like you are doing good. There will be urges the whole first year, I believe. There will be challenges. But lets look at all your positive posts and how productive you have been. Lets keep this going. I learn a lot from every relapse. One of my patterns was I would lay in bed and just edge. I figure, Oh, I'll just make sure its still working, I won't fully masterbate. Then I fantasize about a woman. Eventually it will happen. Maybe not the first time I edge, but definitely the 2nd or 3rd. So watch out for hungry, angry, lonely, tired. But definitely watch for the ultimate where you may lay down and start "Testing the waters." You're doing good. Little tasks and missions everyday, really add up.
     
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  17. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    I love the singing of birds, too. The world seems so much more alive when the birds come back after a long winter and fill the air with their chattering. Without P in your life you will begin to identify the different bird songs with ease, I'd bet. With more alive senses our hearing is better.

    One chapter done sounds awesome, bro'.
     
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  18. Living

    Living Active Member

    Thanks guys! It's appreciated:)
     
  19. Living

    Living Active Member

    Doing fine:) Perhaps due to the good results of last week I tend to slack a bit more than I should. But now is the time to push trough, so I really need to take care of that. A good thing is that I had two job offers this week! One was not interesting at all, the other was something that I liked a lot and I had a great talk with the guy that offered me the job. Too bad he wanted me to start in two weeks and that would clash with my thesis, so I had to turn it down. In a way that was a bummer, but he told me I should call him as soon as I have more time. So I will definitly do that:)
     
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  20. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Wonderful! It's also great that the guy from second job offer asked you to call back when your thesis is done. :) Hard to imagine these positives if you were immersed in P.
     

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