Adventures on Planet Shame

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by Caesura, Jul 10, 2016.

  1. Caesura

    Caesura Member

    So... got a job now. It's hard and not prestigious, but I enjoy it sometimes.

    Haven't gone on any more dates.

    I don't like myself much. I'm self-sabotaging and not a good enough person.
     
  2. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    Great to hear you’ve got yourself a job.

    If you enjoy it sometimes that a good thing, I know many people hate their jobs.

    How are you self sabotaging?
     
  3. Caesura

    Caesura Member

    I don't let myself have much fun or success in my personal life. On the job I'm pretty good, but when I get home, I enter self-denial mode.

    Won't let myself have hobbies or build any marketable skills, especially. It's out of my control.

    Right now, I'm also exhausted and weak from work, so that gives me a better reason.
     
  4. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    Ah yeah I know the feeling.

    When I’m down it’s like I feel as though I have to be hard on myself.

    Not let myself enjoy anything because I have been such a failure. This then leads me to feel worse, to feel hopeless and then I relapse. It’s a vicious cycle.

    Have you had hobbies in the past? If so what were they?
     
  5. Caesura

    Caesura Member

    I'm not gonna get too specific about my past hobbies. I'm trying to not give details that someone could use to identify me, while also sharing just enough for some therapeutic value.
     
  6. Mobc1990

    Mobc1990 Beat my old habit and start new habit

    Why are you so afraid of people identifying your past.I mean I hope it isn’t a symptom of schizophrenia.I guess your not a murderer or rapist,not many people have a glorious past and I had a unhealthy past also,but when people find out or when I talked,I actually feel better within

    Btw,I am off meds already and been doing okay.Just abit of insomnia and really not much mental illness.
     
  7. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    Yeah I agree with what mobc is saying. I think many people in the world have a large number of interests that will overlap many other people.

    I wouldn’t worry too much about people identifying you. I mean for the most part if someone was trying to find you on the internet they’d probably do it with social media. I’d say it’s very unlikely that some some who piece together the small details and locate you here.

    But fair enough. You gotta do what you gotta do.

    Maybe just have a think about the past hobbies you enjoyed and see if one of them is possible to pick up again.

    Good luck man.
     
  8. Caesura

    Caesura Member

    I was very depressed yesterday and now I still am. I guess I'm probably closer to what I want than ever, but sometimes it seems impossible to get there. What I want, as usual, is sex.

    This morning, I feel like I'm not blaming women for my problems. That's a great thing, but regression is the norm for me. In 15 minutes, or two days, or a few weeks, I may go right back to blaming women in my heart, and I won't have any control over that. It's completely involuntary.

    It's as if a different personality is doing the blame.

    If the blame comes back, no amount of reasoning or willpower will fix it. I have very little confidence that I've actually improved. We'll see.

    Wouldn't it be great to be a decent person for once?
     
  9. Caesura

    Caesura Member

    5 years of recovery, and my brain is still captured by porn. I haven't even relapsed that much, but porn and caffeine are all I care about.

    Wtf man? I have been very sincere about this recovery, but I'm stuck at the same point most people pass around 30-45 days.
     
  10. Caesura

    Caesura Member

    I've been MOing more lately, around 3-6 times per week. My fantasies are escalating. I think it might be the stress from work.

    Lately, I've been trying something new. Whenever I MO to a fantasy, I make sure to EXPLICITLY include a consent scene. In other words, I don't just go straight to the sex; I imagine the woman giving me verbal consent.

    Often when I imagine changing positions or doing something unusual, I'll ask for consent again.

    I think it's helping. It forces my brain to recognize it as a fantasy about consensual sex. Before, it used to retroactively interpret them as rape fantasies, even when I didn't intend them to be about rape, which would fuck with my head. At first, adding the consent scenes made it harder to O, but it got easier pretty quickly.
     
  11. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    Hey man, thanks for you post on my journal.

    Yeah I know how you feel about wanting for something, I’d been in a pretty bad place recently and tbh this all just sort of came out of no where.

    One day I just decided to start using internet dating and it just all went from there.

    Have you tried dating apps etc?

    It’s good to see that you don’t seem to be using P much lately, that’s got to be a good thing, even if your not feeling great, at least your feeling things and not just running away and numbing the feeling with P.

    Keep your head up man!
     
  12. Caesura

    Caesura Member

    I've tried dating apps. Didn't have much success. Online dating is on the table, but I think women are more likely to be attracted to me when they meet me in person. I can be charming in person.

    As for feelings... 95% of what I feel is either lust or depression. I definitely try to face those feelings. It's been five years, though; why has my emotional range not improved? Why are so many of my symptoms the same as they were when I started? I really don't get it.
     
  13. Caesura

    Caesura Member

    I'm at a loss. I want to think there's some step I can take now to start recovering for real. I just don't know wtf that would be.
     
  14. Caesura

    Caesura Member

    PMO'd just now. This recovery is losing steam. What hurts the most--what feels like betrayal--is how I sincerely strove to change, put in a massive effort, and still my brain just wouldn't change.
     
  15. Caesura

    Caesura Member

    There are lots of beautiful young women at my job. I'm feeling bad right now that I'll never have sex with them; they would reject me. And they have the right to do so! But it hurts, and if I could get euthanized right now, I'd choose that.

    Let them live their free, beautiful lives, but goddammit, just let me die. An injection to send me off to sleep forever. When will society understand that it's wrong to force someone to live?
     
  16. Caesura

    Caesura Member

    PMO'd twice this morning. Not doing so great.
     
  17. Caesura

    Caesura Member

    I've actually been coping much better than usual for a week or two. I do a lot of relaxing and enjoyable things. But it's making me relapse MORE, not less. What's up with that?

    It's as if when I start coping actively, my brain opens up to any way of coping, including addictions.
     
  18. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    Hey man, seems like your in a bit of a shit place atm.

    Keep your head up man, I myself have also felt like you have I even took a bunch of pills one time when I was feeling really low. Luckily I threw them up. But what I’m trying to say is that things can be bad, but they can also get better.

    Your doing the right thing by posting here, just keep doing that and keep trying not to relapse. Every time you choose not to relapse you are helping yourself. So just focus on the small wins.

    I know what you mean about when you do too much relaxing and enjoyable things. Sometimes it’s like you are just giving yourself rewards and then you just want more pleasure without making any effort. Trying doing some different pleasurable things instead, maybe instead of watching a tv show you read a book?

    Keep going man!
     
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  19. Caesura

    Caesura Member

    Thanks, chrism.

    I feel pretty good right now. Today I was working, and I felt that my interactions with women were less sleazy than usual. I believe it's because of my active coping.

    My working hypothesis is, I only have three modes:

    1) coping with only addictions
    2) not coping at all
    3) coping with mostly healthy stuff, but also addictions

    And I prophesize that the third mode is the one that will work best.

    I'm still pretty hopeless about having sex. Especially having it while I'm still young and able to get the most enjoyment.
     
    Last edited: Jun 6, 2018
  20. Caesura

    Caesura Member

    PMO again
     

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