24, Stopping the Descent into Darkness

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by deadofwinter, Apr 6, 2016.

  1. deadofwinter

    deadofwinter Active Member

    Day 6!

    The fever kind of attacked me mentally too today! Or it's the medication stuff I'm taking, I'm not sure. Either way, whatever, I'll try not to make too big a deal out of it. First I'll have to let this fever pass. :)

    IM GONNA READ A BIT ON MY WINDOW SILL NOW THO!

    x
     
    100DaysMission likes this.
  2. Chammorrow

    Chammorrow Member

    Get better, my friend.
     
  3. 100DaysMission

    100DaysMission Active Member

    How are things, buddy?:)
     
    deadofwinter likes this.
  4. deadofwinter

    deadofwinter Active Member

    Hey dude!!
    good to hear from you.

    I'm doing well, exciting things going on, but also lots of worrying and irrational dumb exgf-missing. Haha!
    worries are mostly about money and my future and the lack of spicy love in my life, but that can all be fixed.

    I'm doing yoga every day, which helps staying sane! AND I'm doing hard workouts every other days which really improves my mental health and self image!

    NoFap wise: I think I'm on, like, a week and a day. Which isn't great, but not too bad. If I relapse, it's mostly once a week and not more. I'm gonna keep this streak going 'till the 24th tho, because I have a cool concert to play that night, with lots of people to talk to.

    Socially, I'm actually improving a lot! I was at the hairdresser yesterday, something that fueled my anxiety-themed nightmares like crazy, but yesterday I was really chatting away with old ladies in the waiting room and later with the (superduper cute) hairdresser girl. So yeah.

    Creatively, I'm working on a video game with an actual team! I'm also enrolled in a program to learn more about the marketing of indie games and what not. Games are A LOT of work tho, and it's depressing me from time to time, but then I'll just write music and I'm fine.

    I really hope I can get the life I'm working so hard for: being an artist. Sometimes I'm so terribly afraid that I'll be a failure who gave up so many things for art. :/
    but still, I can't help but keep going in the artistic direction of life. ugh!

    I have moments that I'm like "when did life get so fucking hard..?" because of all the toxic thoughts and terrible feelings. Other moments I'm like "all the hardships are worth it in the end". I think, in the end, the latter one is always true.

    I'm gonna check out your journal too and ask about YOU over there! ;)
    Cheerio mate!
     
    Last edited: Mar 9, 2018
    100DaysMission likes this.
  5. 100DaysMission

    100DaysMission Active Member

    It's good to hear from you!:)

    I'm glad you some nice and exciting things happening in your life. You deserve them so much, mate.

    Congrats on the game too - holy moly! I hope it all goes amazingly!


    I was speaking to someone about art today, and our pursuit of it.
    They reminded me that so many people are so unsure of what they want to do in their life. We're lucky to know, and to be pursuing something that feels worth pursuing:)


    Sending lots of positive vibes your way DoW
     
  6. Lakaf

    Lakaf Member

    Which Day Are You in Now..?
    Am Gonna Start My Day 1 Again From Tomorrow Muahhaha
     
  7. deadofwinter

    deadofwinter Active Member

    Im on 17 days, Lakaf! glad to see you're never giving up.

    --
    Day 17

    Darkness incoming (I'm sorry):

    So, I'm not doing good. I wish I'd be back in the time that I thought NoFap would fix my uphappiness. These days I see the complexity of everything, but especially the dark sides of the living (espcially when writing this atm). I realize that there is so much sad music because so many people are blue and have a hard time dealing with the world and themselves. As I'm getting older, I can feel that it's not getting easier and I'm most definately one of those persons.

    I understand why people shoot themselves in the head more often than in the heart, because if I have to hear myself think for one more second I kind of want to do the same.

    90% of my rolemodels have left the world by their own hand, and I'm so afraid I'm starting to understand why
     
  8. 100DaysMission

    100DaysMission Active Member

    I feel for you, brother.

    There's no shame in the thoughts you're having, and it's great that you're sharing them.
    I think I'm realising too that NoFap isn't the cure for any malaise (but not worth packing in!).
    BUT, by committing to it, and having committed to it, it shows we are truly committed to attaining happiness.

    So, I guess, what next for you?:)
    Have you considered professional help, or tried it at some point?

    I'm rooting for you, and I'm proud! You're an incredible artist, with so many different mediums, it's really amazing.
     
  9. 100DaysMission

    100DaysMission Active Member

    Just checking in, brother.
    Hope things are as well as they can be:)
     
    deadofwinter likes this.
  10. deadofwinter

    deadofwinter Active Member

    hey dude. Thanks a lot :)
    I'm doing so good. It's amazing how I've turned my mental state around by working on it and being conscious of it.
    I'm going to copy a post I've written on the devblog of the game I'm making because that says it all, I hope readers on here can find something in it too:

    A few months ago, after years of negative self-talk and dark inner voices echoing in my mind-cave (that I have learned now weren’t even mine) I was literally at a crossroads in my life. It was another rainy, gray, terrible evening in my town Heerhugowaard and I was standing still with my bike somewhere. To the right was the road to the train tracks and to the left was the way back home, where I had work to do and a life to build. I was checking the schedules of the trains on my iPhone, not because I wanted to get on them but because the thought of going home and having to spend more days with the same hopeless feeling was way worse than jumping in front of a train. I know this game dev blog just got really dark, but stick with me, I’m writing this right now, so you already know what road I chose. There wasn’t really a revelation or anything, I just quickly rode my bike back home before I did anything stupid. That evening did make me realize there was probably some stuff I had to change in my life, starting from the inside.

    And omg, there was a lot I was just not doing right with my mind. It kind of baffles me that “learning how to keep a mental hygiene” isn’t a standard thing at every school. Seriously, I was doing so many things not right in there and I had been doing it for so many years that it was hard to get rid of. It’s sort of like letting the water you swim in getting more and more toxic until you don’t know any better and are just in a constant unconscious state of unhappiness. It was only when I stepped out of that shit that I saw how bad it was.

    Luckily, just as I started to learn these things, I had to be a more “together” person for our game dev team too. These days, I track what I eat, I consciously work on good habits, I meditate, I say and think positive affirmations at least 3 times a day for 5 minutes. I chose role models that have a positive and productive outlook on life, I speak my mind and try to do this in a compassionate non-judgemental way (not speaking your mind can also really make the water around you get more and more terrible because nothing really changes for the better). Since then I’ve made tons of new friends, had awesome nights out, talked with cute girls (normally I’d feel like I wasn’t worthy of talking to girls at all), even scored a few numbers. I’m not afraid to take small risks, don’t overthink anything until my mind tells me not to do it, bought flowers for my grandma without feeling weird, stopped thinking about my ex in lonely moments and I found city I would like to live in one day, and I’m taking steps to make that happen. Basically, taking any steps in bettering yourself and your life is a reward on its own because it gives you a sense of hope and direction while the results are slowly but surely showing themselves in all different parts of your life.

    For anyone reading this who is also in a dark place, I hope you’ll believe me that Hell has ladders, and there is a way out of it. Start climbing, and you’ll find yourself in a whole other world without having to move an inch. 1

    Thank you,



    A few other specific things that helped me:

    • School of Life (tons of great videos that could help you understand yourself and make you aware of things people are going through.)
    • Toggl (maybe you shouldn’t go as far as me, but I try to track everything I do so I have a clear view of what I’m doing wrong or right. I only spend 5 minutes in the shower these days where I also brush my teeth, instead of standing there for 8 minutes unconsciously)
    • Awaken The Giant From Within (I know, I know, fuck self-help books, right? Maybe. or you could try to let go of that cynicism that is so popular these days and just try it.)
    • RSDTyler (take from it what you want, the basic things are: he does meditation, realized he can win at life even though he’s a, and I quote, “short, balding ginger guy”. In this society we’re often led to believe we’re not happy unless we buy this or that, or look like this or that, but he’s breaking those rules and you can too.
    • I want to say this again, MEDITATE! it’s not hard, look for ways to do it online, download an app, but be consistent. Nothing happens after you’ve only done it for a few days. Keep at it.
    • Yoga With Adriene, (start with the 30 days yoga challenge to get a good starter guide, again, keep at it, take time for yourself, you deserve it, even though your negative self-thinking might tell you otherwise or feel cringy when I say “you deserve it”, that cringe is probably that same voice that’s bringing you down.)
    • HASfit (find a consistent scheme that works for you, and keep at it. Honestly, making pixel art is a lot more fun with a 6-pack. Kidding, but seriously, staying fit is super important <3 .)
     
  11. 100DaysMission

    100DaysMission Active Member

    BURSTING and GRINNING with PRIDE for you!!!

    Hey, ride that motivation, and enjoy your life:)

    Stay a little wary of course, but it seems like you have the tools to keep yourself in check.

    So happpyyyyyyyy for you, DoW
     
    deadofwinter likes this.
  12. deadofwinter

    deadofwinter Active Member

    Yeah you're right. I should not act as if I will never be unhappy again or whatever. But I know that! and I actually think that's fine. Staying conscious of your mental health is good, knowing what things you can do to improve it is even better.

    Thanks dude!
    My music stuff going very well too. A person from tv became the biggest fan ever and started tweeting, ever since then other bands and people joined in and have sent me good vibes. Like, people I've been looking up to for the last 4 years are now "fan" of my music. I've met a few of them two nights back and it was bizarre and magical.
    It's weird but I'll try to enjoy it as long as something like that lasts. I'll just keep doing what I was doing and not let it distract me too much.

    Thanks again for your support, it touches me greatly that we're still here for each other when needed.
     
  13. 100DaysMission

    100DaysMission Active Member

    Aw man, that's incredible news.

    I'm glad things have turned a little corner for you in your musical life as well. You're so so deserving, of recognition, of happiness, of it all.

    Your head sounds like it's in a great place, I'm sure lots of us here will keep on cheering you on!
     
  14. deadofwinter

    deadofwinter Active Member

    Had kind of a bad night yesterday, was drunk, ran into an ex, couldn't function like a healthy human being. Felt kind of like a relapse of depression or something. Still some feelings for that ex, lots of jealousy, self-conscousness etc etc. It was a relapse to my normal state of mind of a while back, which was very toxic.

    Another thing I noticed is how bad I feel when I'm super tired/hungover, which was today. It's easy to slip into dark spirals of thoughts etc. But I know this and so I was just like "ok, this is how I feel when I'm super tired, no need to stress out about it, no need to kill myself over it, let's let it be and ride it out."
    I think it's a great example of how I'm more stable, mentally, these days: I can still feel like shit, but I can just ride it out and I keep doing my yoga, meditation and positive affirmations.

    Anyway, gonna go to sleep now, I think I'm gonna get a very very short haircut tomorrow, I feel confident that it's time to do it and that it will make me look better.

    Cheers
    DoW
     
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  15. 100DaysMission

    100DaysMission Active Member

    As bad as a time you had - this is so positive how you've noticed it, checked yourself, and reflected well!

    Exes and Drunkenness and Hangovers are never a nice combination. But it's human, you passed with flying colours:)
     
  16. 100DaysMission

    100DaysMission Active Member

    Hi DoW, how are things in your world?
     
  17. deadofwinter

    deadofwinter Active Member

    Hey man :)
    thanks for checking in

    I'm super busy right now with "touring" with my band (20 shows in three months) and I'm working with people who I never dreamt of meeting. So I'm happy with how the art stuff is going, I'm even making some money wtf!
    I'm also "head" of a small indie game development studio and I'm working on several video projects for other musicians and artist right now.

    I feel like I don't even have the time to pause and overthink how I feel. Which might eventually (when things get quieter) end up in a confrontational void, but I'm ignoring that for now. Haha

    PMO wise I'm okay: I do still relapse from time to time, and it's still the same fetish stuff.

    A part I'm quite unhappy about in my life is the lack of physical/emotional contact with girls. And my lack of experience in "flirting" is really working against me I think.

    Yesterday I was doing a collab songwriting thing with a super cute girl and we had the exact same music and humor taste and after a while, I felt SOME energy that might've been sexual but I just didn't have it in me to make a move or something.
    When I sat in the train late that night back home and started to play the different scenes in my head, I noticed that there might've been some hints, like she wanted to drink and we went out for dinner and she only stopped drinking after I didn't take another beer (I always fear I get sick/cold sores or whatever if I drink too much, which aren't great for playing concerts, so I didn't really drink a lot, but maybe that ruined the mood or something)

    I'm really good at talking and being funny, witty all that stuff, but I just can not flirt or make moves. It freaks me out. and when we got back to her place and it was dark and there was a mood I was just like "WELP, LET ME JUST CHECK WHAT TIME MY TRAIN GOES EH"

    egh

    Aaaaanyway, so thing are good but never perfect, of course.
    Sorry for the wall of text!

    Cheers mate :)
     
  18. WanderingSoul

    WanderingSoul Member

    Dead of winter, just writing to say I hope you are feeling better these days and progressing! cheers
     
  19. 100DaysMission

    100DaysMission Active Member

    Hey, don't apologise for the writing!

    It's great to hear things are going well, especially with the music - I am not surprised, but I am very happy for you :)

    The situation with the girl sounds funny, haha. I think if she's got the right energy for you, she would have found it cute, and things may not be over.

    Nice to hear from you:) Have a great weekend!
     

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