Author Topic: Sturnus Journal. (Read 976 times)

Sturnus · « **on:** February 24, 2012, 04:40:46 AM »

All my previous progress is in http://www.reuniting.info/blogs/ksaver

Here I will continue my journey (: For me it is very good therapy to write (:

Sturnus · « **Reply #1 on:** February 25, 2012, 12:41:37 AM »

DAY 4. In the morning I think I dreamed some kind of sexual scenes but everything is good, no chasers.

Sturnus · « **Reply #2 on:** February 25, 2012, 10:39:08 AM »

It is the DAY 5 today evening by the count start.

Today I was in the supermarket and there was so much beautiful girls... OMG... Amazing... I was just amazed by the beauty... I want them all

But no PMO. I want the real ones (:

Sturnus · « **Reply #3 on:** February 26, 2012, 11:12:31 PM »

DAY 6. Going quite good. Want women a lot and to M, but I'm strong.

Sturnus · « **Reply #4 on:** February 27, 2012, 10:49:53 AM »

Day 7. Going into existential thoughts. WHAT TO DO IN MY LIFE. And I don't know. It sucks. .... Mood is not too well, quite shitty. No PMO, but I want...

TheUnderdog · « **Reply #5 on:** February 27, 2012, 10:57:20 AM »

Quote from: Sturnus on February 27, 2012, 10:49:53 AM

Day 7. Going into existential thoughts. WHAT TO DO IN MY LIFE. And I don't know. It sucks.

I know that feel bro.

Sturnus · « **Reply #6 on:** July 09, 2012, 05:50:08 AM »

Here I am. Starting all over again.

The goal is 147 days.

I have reached over 70 days in the beginning of 2012 but since then I am in deep shit. I masturbated even harder and watched porn even more.

I see how it ruins my life, my social activity, my energy and my self motivation to do something.

I don't know why but I still getting to masturbation and porn even though I understand what it does. Yes, I am addicted to it. But now I am ready to get free.

With your help I know that I will do it. I just need some people that would care...

Sturnus · « **Reply #7 on:** July 11, 2012, 07:14:11 AM »

Here two days have passed. Here is the timer. http://www.timeanddate.com/countdown/generic?iso=20120709T18&p0=660&msg=I+live+in+freedom

I am happy that I have managed to get back here and to pursue this freedom. I want to do that I want - to communicate with real people and to express my self and if I will keep on PM then it seems like I don't need a thing because I can get it by myself. But it is a lie. By living like that I get a lot of shit. Not always the easiest decisions are the best. I choose to be happy even though it not always so easy.

I want PM but my determination is big and I am strong. I know that I can. I am a Man, and thus this challenge will make me even stronger.

Sturnus · « **Reply #8 on:** July 15, 2012, 04:03:36 AM »

Now have passed 5 DAYS 20 HOURS 44 MINUTES. I am pretty angry right now - I think it is the withdrawals. The mood is not in the best shape. But it recovering. I have started again to meditate which for a couple of months I have forgotten. There is a lot of negative thoughts but with breathing exercise and will I am changing a bit my thoughts - need more practice.

There is still quite a big social gap. I don't really have any activities with women - mostly with men. But I have notices that being with a women brings a very different and better quality into my life.

I thought a lot about a girlfriend but there is some barrier that I am facing - real or not real:

- Thinking that there is no compatible women. (I'm a pretty strange guy).
- Fear of being used, laughed and etc.
- Tiredness.
- Having too much activities and wanting to give time for that.

Sturnus · « **Reply #9 on:** July 17, 2012, 08:27:09 AM »

Have passed 8 days.

In the dream I have almost didn't M. But luckily I have not.

But the other dream was with a beautiful girl kissing and hugging and that is a good sign of rewiring started.

The PM withdrawals are still present and the craving have emerged but I am strong and I will stand strong.

Sturnus · « **Reply #10 on:** July 18, 2012, 08:56:10 AM »

Have passed 9 days.

Today I saw a very beautiful girl and I was attracted to her, the body acted as if I have butterflies in me. I like her. But I didn't talk to her. I was too afraid because I felt not worthy of her and didn't see any signs that I can succeed. I just feared of it. What I will do the next time? I will say a compliment next to saying hi: "Hi, nice to meet you. Glad that I saw you." Or something like that. The goal is to say a sentence more than I said.

The problem is that I have a some kind of status that I fear of loosing and I don't want to lose it. And I have the fear of others thinking about me badly. Even though I have defeated a lot of fears of being and acting silly but I don't want that others would see me as a pimp because I have created a "spiritual" me image. That sucks because it doesn't allow me to be more communicative with girls.

What can I do? I can just talk with girls no matter what I thinks others thinks. I need action. Action will be: I will schedule a meeting with my friend who is a pimp. And then I will break, with him, my habitual thinking of other thoughts and my false image.

I need to write how I want that my girl should be like - it is said that it help to attract that kind of girl.

Also what I need to do - is to get clear about my mission and goals. I want, I just burning how I want to have them. I want to have a mission in my life, a carrier in which I could grow and contribute.

Without a goal I feel not full. I want to have a direction in my life. I have to choose a direction which is in my heart. Which I like. Which I want and enjoy. What is my highest joy?

Sturnus · « **Reply #11 on:** July 26, 2012, 11:15:37 AM »

17 Days. Still on the road. Sad and sick. But I will get trough it.

ChargersFan · « **Reply #12 on:** July 26, 2012, 02:53:07 PM »

I noticed you posted in my own journal, and figured I'd do the same. 17 days sounds like a great start, keep at it!

Sturnus · « **Reply #13 on:** July 28, 2012, 04:49:23 AM »

I think you have found a friend

Today have passed almost 19 days. Here is my clock ticking http://www.timeanddate.com/countdown/generic?iso=20120709T18&p0=660&msg=I+live+in+freedom

I have real the Vedas today and about marriage and sexual life and now I really understand how much damage the masturbation have made for me:

- My lost identity of who I really am.
- Depression.
- Anger.
- Difficulties with socializing.
- Lack of will.
- Lack of direction in my life.

That caused me a lot of bad things. Now I will rework my karma - I am strong in the face of difficulties and temptations I am seeking for the good, for The God.

I wish everyone happiness.
Be happy.
The courage is within.
The life is in you.

Best wishes,
Sturnus

Sturnus · « **Reply #14 on:** August 01, 2012, 08:20:20 AM »

Day 23. Moving forward. Studying Vedas. Repeating mantra: "I wish everyone happiness" and meditating. Still a lot of pain. Trying to resolve pas relationship - immense energy there. Very often sad and confused - why I am not happy. Praying. Asking for help - I can't deal it on my own. Searching for a way.

torest · « **Reply #15 on:** August 06, 2012, 01:59:59 PM »

Sturnus, I'm saddened by our last post. You've given me some genuine encouragement in my journal and really helped me. Wish I had something to do the same for you. You've made it quite a ways here. I admire your determination to keep on going even tho the going gets tough. Hang in there man.

Pilgrim · « **Reply #16 on:** August 06, 2012, 05:04:42 PM »

Hi, Sturnus!

Bad moments are part of the process.
Try to take it easy, relax and remember you are doint this journey just for yourself.

Keep walking and good luck!

Sturnus · « **Reply #17 on:** August 08, 2012, 10:40:28 AM »

Thank you guys. You give me strength. As one wise man said - I everybody could help themselves then the world would be a heaven.

It is not 30 days of no PMO. Though I had a wet dream by I don't remember it.

Now the thoughts about PM is trying to get into my head. But I am firm and determined. I am strong. There was time when I have reached PMO for about 70 days and that was my biggest growth.

Now I am growing also - to all directions. The gains are huge. The withdrawals and temptations are also incresing. I think it will break and I will break loose to FREEDOM.

Best regards,
Sturnus

torest · « **Reply #18 on:** August 12, 2012, 03:18:47 PM »

Glad to see you post to know you're still there staying strong. I thought temptation would decrease at 30days not increase. But stay strong. Reading of a guy going 70 days is inspiring. And to see you've done it again to 30+ days and counting really does give me hope and strength.

Good job sternus.

Sturnus · « **Reply #19 on:** August 13, 2012, 03:11:03 AM »

torest, your post really inspires me. Thank you.

And today is DAY 34 and 20 hours.

Had 1 WD today and because of that strong urges to PMO. But I'm still here, on the path. I gain too much from FREEDOM of PMO to sacrifice it for 1 moment of false ecstasy.

I feel like my muscle of will is building up. I feel as I am getting more as a REAL MAN - who can take responsibilities, who has courage and who is strong inside.

I is very much that I gain.

Sturnus · « **Reply #20 on:** August 16, 2012, 11:55:07 PM »

38 day. Also had a WD again. It pretty annoys me. But there is no chaser effect. And I don't remember the WD I just wake up and felt that something is not the right way. I think it will be OK.

Still going. And I will never settle for less in my life then I want. It is madness to sacrifice life that I have now (after 38 days of PMO free) for PMO.

I started to wake up earlier.
I started exercise.
I am have more courage to talk with women.
I am getting the pieces of my life together - I start to do what I want. I start to know what I want.
I am more loving.
I have much more will power.
I feel strong, confident and calm.
I fell much more joy in my life.
I can laugh and make joy from simple moments in my life

(a year ago I was diagnosed a serious depression)

The PMO free thing is one of the BEST CHOICES that I have made.

Sturnus · « **Reply #21 on:** August 19, 2012, 02:10:16 AM »

Shit. Relapsed. On women pictures (simple pictures). M.

What a strange life - even though I have had so much of it I still wanted that one moment of pleasure. Strange... I can't understand.

But in some ways I know why:
- Consciously or unconsciously (trough dreams random girls and pictures) I accumulated some tension which trough M I released.
- I started to question - to do it or not to do. It was not a question with certant answer.
- I need every day to remind my self about PMO. About it's effects.
- Need and want a real women around (that I admire and I could be intimate with).

On the other hand to M is not so bad as PM. And 40 days is also a good result. I will begin now again and I will conquer it.

http://www.timeanddate.com/countdown/generic?iso=20120819T1254&p0=660&msg=A%C5%A1+esu+laisvas

Well. Starting again. And I will again and again. You can try to beat me, you can even knock me out - but I WILL ALWAYS GET UP AND CONTINUE TO FIGHT - BE CERTANT OF THAT - AS LONG AS I WILL BE ALIVE. This is my choice. AND I WILL AND I AM HONEST TO MYSELF. I will not lie I will admit my defeat in order to know that I was defeated and to learn from that. And thus I will know the real taste of victory and thus I will be strong. My defeat is just my path to victory.

torest · « **Reply #22 on:** August 19, 2012, 06:24:50 AM »

40 days is a long time man. When you were pmo'ing did you ever imagine you'd go a couple days much less a month? Here's my take on an instance like this; you m'd not p and not a binge. Not to say no damage occurred, but too much rewiring had been happening for it to be completely erased by one incident of m.

Your attitude and dedication is inspiring. Its good to see you're always ready to he back on the horse and keep going.

Sturnus · « **Reply #23 on:** August 20, 2012, 07:30:49 AM »

Thanks torest. Your post really helps - because it is really important to me to have support.

Now as I look back it seems that it is very hard to be absent from sexual energy. It accumulates and wants to go somewhere. I'm not a yogi and don't know how to sublimate it and I don't have a partner to practice Kareza. But still I want to rewire my brain from the PMO thing so I will set a target of 147 days (21x7 - I like symbolism). I will be total absent from PMO. That will be January 13, 2013, 17:00 (what a coincidence - it is the day when there was union between people of my country against violence over us).

After 147 days I will see what I can do with that overflow of sexual energy - maybe I will find a girl that I will fall in love by then (: Will see.

I will try to be accountable as often as possible - it gives me a lot of strength.

Sturnus · « **Reply #24 on:** August 21, 2012, 11:41:42 AM »

Feeling good. Day 2.