I have HOCD and I just discovered it this year, I'm 24 now. I always thought I was some kind of latent homosexual - even though I was never attracted to men.
It started when I was 17. I was masturbating and without any reason I decided to put one finger in my ass. So I had one faster and intense orgasm, and started to think "OMG, I'm gay! I like things in my anus". So I went through a period of depression and obsession and panic attacks, all the time I had these thoughts about being fucked, sitting on other men's laps, sucking cocks etc. It wasn't pleasure or desire, just obsession. But I thought it was because I was gay without knowing. Eventualy those obsessions were gone but I was still concerned. Even though I never had attraction to men or a real desire to have sex with them, I was thinking I was gay. At the time, my porn addiction didn't have escalated much, and I was just watching straight videos. The doubts were still hurting me and I needed to make peace with it. Since I thought I was gay, making peace meant to accept who I thought I was. I tried to watch gay videos, but they didn't do nothing to me. But then I found shemale porn and everything changed. My HOCD came back stronger and I thought that was proof of me being gay. Another depression came and I couldn't stop watching shemale porn sometimes. From tranny porn my addiction escalated to crossdresser porn, and that time my HOCD was the worst thing ever. I decided to accept who I thought I was and even crossdressed myself to jerk off sometimes. I even wrote an erotic story where I was accepting my homosexuality and having sex with another man. But that didn't change nothing: even 'accepting' it didn't make me feel attracted by men. So I thought I was bisexual for a while. I knew I loved women, and I knew I could feel pleasure watching shemale/crossdresser porn. That, in my mind, was proof I was bisexual. But I wasn't still attracted to men, even those crossdresser should be very feminine, no hairy bodies etc. They should be wearing heels, lingerie etc. and they should never show their faces if they didn't look like women. That way I could feel attracted.
You know, I'm really ashamed of myself for everything I did, but now I know where the problem is.
I read somewhere that people with HOCD never try to act out. That's bullshit. If someone with HOCD is hurted enough because he can't have an answer to his sexuality he'll try to find the answer, because not knowing, in his mind, is the real problem. My ways of finding the answer led me to write an erotic story where I came out being the bottom of a homosexual sex, and even led me to crossdress sometimes to jerk off looking at my own ass. Both of the situations were arousing, but none of them led me to like men or to think I could make out with a man. I still didn't have an answer. So I started to search "people who like shemales and crossdressers" and the vast majority see themselves as hetero. I thought "WTF?". Then I found about that book explaining shemale attraction "A Billion Wicked Thoughts", and kept searching until I found YBOP and discovered about pornography addiction and something called HOCD!!! Jesus Christ, everything made sense.
Now I have been going through therapy because I still can't get through my past, that crossdressing thing, that homoerotic story etc. I feel really ashamed and depressed because I know I felt aroused by it, and I feel guilty about it. I know I was just trying to understand myself and that I was eager to be perceived as a sexual being (since I was still virgin by the time - I lost my virginity with 23), and I know my pornography addiction had a big role in everything I went through, but I still need to overcome the bad feelings about my past.
I still have a lot of doubts about myself and I send Gary Wilson an email almost everyday. Lol. Sorry Gary