Author Topic: Is there a way out of this mess?  (Read 36821 times)

Canada2012

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Re: Is there a way out of this mess?
« Reply #450 on: August 12, 2013, 02:58:12 PM »
Well.. I tried to write this post 5 times and willingly erased it five times. 

In a nutshell: Fuck Porn and Hookers because real life is 1000000000000000000000000000 times better.

Stop the scenarios with hookers right away and don't try to be perfect with your gf either.

I like darkwolf's idea to start sharing your fantasies with your gf (a woman who wants you) instead of planning to share them with a woman who only wants your money.

There are two parts of the addict: the good and the bad. The bad part we know, he places a second of fake-pleasure before all else. He's also the one who treats women as objects. The good part we don't know. But he shares the same fantasies as the bad part. Only, he's able to place them in the context of life and subordinate them to his will.  You facial fetish will likely never leave. What will likely happen is you will experience it no longer as a demeaning act but as a fun sexual game.

Hookers is an illusion. You are thinking again of falling for an illusion.

Gotta go

asha.med

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Re: Is there a way out of this mess?
« Reply #451 on: August 13, 2013, 12:52:10 AM »
Day 12 ? (10:15)

A lot has happened over the last couple of days and I'm going to try to explain and also respond to all of your really spot-on points.

Sunday. I told my gf straight away to come with me in the danger zone so I'm safe. She couldn't make it but fortunately my cousin called and said she didn't need my assistance. We said goodbye over the phone and the crisis was averted. The rest of the day I tried to work on that project but didn't move on much. I wasn't too stressed about it.

Monday. I moved on with that one remaining project enough so I could go give a quick demo to the client and get some feedback. I would then have one more full day to complete it, which was quite realistic. So, I went there in the afternoon. He was glad with what he saw and asked me to complete the rest after my holiday, which was great. The pressure was off and the stress was gone. But I wasn't ready for this  and worse, I had to pass through the hookers area to get back home. So I got on the metro. The place of sin was 5 stops away. At each station I felt more and more brain-fogged and dizzy. I visualised myself staying on the train and getting off the train a million times. Time was distorted. I wasn't really there. Suddenly: "Next stop: hooker town!". The train's doors open. In my mind is this one particular hooker who is ok with my fetish and she's usually there in the afternoons. Is she there now? Two parts of me fighting in my head. One wishes she's there the other wishes she's not. I get up and get out of the train. I'm heading straight for that place thinking this is a complete gamble. I mean.. if she's not there, great but if she is.. will I be able to leave? I get into the building. A hooker comes out... it's not her! Pheeww! She's trying to push me to get inside with her.. I just leave. Frustrated and relieved. A little part of me is disappointed but I am mostly relieved.

I go back home but first I buy some junk food. A chocolate and some stupid crisps. I go home and eat that crap. I feel worse. I watch a little porn and then my gf comes home. I feel lost. Trying to slowly get back to reality. We're cooking, then have dinner, watch tv for a couple of hours. I'm still a little lost and angry. I have no motivation to do anything. Suddenly, I get fed up with this stupid mood and decide to turn it around. I get up, start tidying up the house, I review my finances, I discuss and plan the trip with my gf, we make a few calls and we're getting ready for the trip. Some of the fog clears away. It's midnight and we go to bed.

So.. what the fuck was all this?

Gil. Suspense. You're right. It's exciting. It was also the going away. I don't think it'll bother me during my holiday. I can't go to a hooker there anyway. The high risk periods are today and when I get back again. Now.. beneath all of that though is that voice. The one that calls me a slacker. Yes, that's my parents. They're workaholics, stressed 24/7 and unfamiliar with relaxation. I am also like that. And the theory still stands. This hooker trip goal wasn't to satisfy my urges. It was to increase my stress levels. That's why when I didn't do it I bought that junk food. I *had* to do something damaging. That's why I watched porn again. I just *had* to be back to a stressful place. That client's reaction put me in a completely unfamiliar stress-free state. I didn't expect that.

Darkwolf, you may be right. Our sex-life could never be categorised as extreme. However, when I do take some strange initiatives and try something different (positions, locations etc) she seems to like it. Facials are completely out of the question though. She's really not into it. She thinks it's degrading and to be honest I do too. I say that because when I watch facials I get super excited but after I finish I feel sad about the girls I see and it's an instant turn off. No. I can't ask her to do that. Mostly because I'm afraid of how I'll see her when I've unloaded on her face. I don't even like thinking about that. For now, I just accept that this act is something that turned me on when I first saw it and I've linked it with thousands of orgasms since then so it has a powerful effect on me. I understand your suggestion and it makes some sense. What I don't know is, even is my gf liked it, how that would change my perception of her.

True, I let that part take control for a little bit. I was just luck nothing happened. If that girl was there I don't know what I would have done. Honestly, I think I'd be on autopilot and get in the room with her. You're right about the distractions. I didn't have any at the time. I was totally unprepared. As for motivation, it's a little strange. I know I want to reach a specific state (no stress, mental clarity etc) but when I get there, it seems like I can't handle it. It's really hard to get and especially stay there. I guess we'll get better at it the more we try.

Canada, it's true. Everything you say. The only thing I'm not sure about is if I can turn that demeaning act into a fun sexual game. I'm not saying if my gf can, that's a different story, I don't even know if *I* can. Plus, I don't know if I even want to devote time to think about it.

---

Well, I did devote some time. I looked at this: http://jezebel.com/5875217/he-wants-to-jizz-on-your-face-but-not-why-youd-think
I ended up fantasizing while reading the post and the comments. I edged about 3-4 times and I've just decided to wrap things up and get on with my day. I'm really close to another relapse... This is a dangerous topic for me and I don't really want to mess around with it.

darkwolf

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Re: Is there a way out of this mess?
« Reply #452 on: August 13, 2013, 02:42:25 AM »
asha, I'm sorry if I provoked you. I often look for ways to reconcile things and sometimes things just can't be reconciled. I'm no sex or any other kind of therapist. Sex can be complicated. I'm glad though that you were able to steer away from the illicit urges. You are getting stronger and I hope writing in your journal here helps you.
One year with no PMO on 4/25/14. The difference is known, so one lifetime is my counter as of now.

Detailed report on a technique to deal in a successful way with F(antasy) and MO relapse urges.

My NEW journal. A link to the old is in first post.

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Canada2012

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Re: Is there a way out of this mess?
« Reply #453 on: August 13, 2013, 05:26:06 AM »
I think it's actually spooky how you react like a clockwork to your addiction spells.

This sense of being controlled is only the power of your addiction. I would print that post and keep somewhere where I can read it in 2 or 3 years. I know exactly what you are talking about. Somewhere it's described as the 'ritual' phase of the addiction, where things are pre-ordained and one feels an out of body experience. I had the same as well when I was hooked on prostitution. I swear I totally get what you say. This is beyond rationalizing at times, but it's never beyond controlling. Your idea of using a chaperone for the crucial moments sounds very good to me. It won't change what goes on in your head, but you will be able to start conditioning yourself to not go.

The good news Asha, and read this carefully: IT ALL GOES AWAY.

I got them less and less and over gradually lesser and lesser extremes of prostitution and ever since my last long reboot, I had none at all. For me, this was a year++ process however. But, trust me, you can overcome this crazy addiction. It is 100% possible. But only you really know how to get to the bottom of this. What you are doing now is taking the first steps in that direction. But I'll say this again, because I'm sure you will beat this over the long run and I want you to remember me as a wise old man who knew (ahah, sorry ;D):

Your reboot will rewire your brain process and you will gradually stop feeling this pull. With a long enough reboot, you will look at a hooker's den and feel nothing or an easily controllable pull totally under your control. This is neuroplasticity and it works.

The facials and your gf might be a too touchy and burning topic right now. The key is that it's an issue you might want to look at over the long run as well. But step one is always to stop the addiction and the associated sense of shame.

Best my friend.

asha.med

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Re: Is there a way out of this mess?
« Reply #454 on: August 14, 2013, 01:10:17 AM »
Day 1

I relapsed yesterday. PMOed. It's ok. Much better than going to a hooker.

This is a super quick post as I'm leaving for my 2 week holiday in a couple of hours. My mind is a little foggy but it could have been much worse. Darkwolf and Canada, this had nothing to do with you mentioning my fetish. Please don't feel even slightly responsible for my relapse. This is an issue that exists, it has a great effect on me and you are right that I will need to deal with it somehow at some point. All you are trying to do is help and please keep doing so.

The relapse was based on the lack of stress I had yesterday and the prospect of a 2-week non-stressful holiday. I just had to ruin it somehow. It's how my inner saboteur works. He could have done much much worse so I'm not that mad about it. This little fog will clear in a couple of days. Worst case scenario, I'll just be a little cranky at the beginning of my holiday. The good thing is that there's zero chance of me relapsing during that time. I'll be with my gf 24/7, chilling, swimming and enjoying the sun. A well needed rest.

Harvey, your question makes sense. No, I'm not afraid of finding someone else. But I don't want to. The best way to explain this would be to simply direct you to the very first post in my journal. This is who I am right now. I have a girlfriend. I also have a sex addiction and when urges hit me I feel like going to a hooker. I accept this. It's awful.. and sometimes I don't even understand how I got to this point but the fact is that this is real. I'm done feeling guilty and ashamed about it. All I am trying to do now is fight it. Compared to a year ago, I am doing much better and I'm hoping to one day be completely free from those "needs". One last point about the Internet. I see what you mean, but it's also the Internet that is feeding my addiction. The easy access to porn and hooker information. Just something to think about...

That's all guys. I'm feeling good right now. Looking forward to this break.

Canada, I'll get back to you regarding your last post. You raise some good points but I don't have the time to respond in detail right now.

Darkwolf, your support is very helpful and I'm grateful for it and glad to know you even digitally. Please don't feel negative about anything you said. I hope your date goes well :)

True, I hope you're feeling better. I am sorry again. I hope there was something I could do to make you feel better but I feel that anything I say will probably piss you off so I'll just shut up for a while...

I'll try to stay current with your journals if and when I have the chance to. Please take care of yourselves. Be kind, take frequent breaks and remember to relax. We all deserve it.

Gilgamesj

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Re: Is there a way out of this mess?
« Reply #455 on: August 14, 2013, 01:57:24 AM »
Forget about the relapse and enjoy your holiday with your gf. When you come back continue with the workshop. This thing will get you through!
porn:   first a bit of pleasure, then a lot of pain
sports: first a bit of pain, then a lot of pleasure


Canada2012

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Re: Is there a way out of this mess?
« Reply #456 on: August 14, 2013, 04:52:38 AM »
I get it Asha & txs a lot for taking care of me in your relapse ;) Kind of you.

I get how pmo is a step way better than hookers.  I think I got a sense of what happened. Good job on this one.

Enjoy your holiday!

asha.med

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Re: Is there a way out of this mess?
« Reply #457 on: August 17, 2013, 04:23:13 AM »
Day 4 (15:14)

Currently chilling at a beach. Gf sleeping next to me. Note to self:
You hate position A and want to be elsewhere or be different? Define a position B. Don't waste time describing it perfectly. You'll probably change it later anyway. Take small steps towards position B. Every day. Eventually you'll get there. Thinking about it and analyzing it is a waste of life. Just take those steps. Act.

Holiday is going well so far. I'm keeping my mind off stupid things. Very therapeutic. Going back to it now. Take care everyone.

Canada2012

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Re: Is there a way out of this mess?
« Reply #458 on: August 19, 2013, 04:38:56 AM »
Same Asha!

asha.med

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Re: Is there a way out of this mess?
« Reply #459 on: August 23, 2013, 02:28:01 PM »
Day 12 (01:20)

Still on holiday. Found some time today to catch up with your journals.

Things are going well and I still have a few more days of holiday and PMO-risk-free time left. The fog is gone and my brain feels very clear but it's still not easy to enjoy these stress-less moments. As strange as this sounds, my body misses being stressed. This holiday state feels unfamiliar. However, there are several hours in the day that I'm not thinking about work, pmo or any other issues and that feels great. I'm still clenching my jaw muscles 24/7 though. I have absolutely no reasons to be stressed right now but my whole body is still tense.

Anyway. A friendly couple is joining us tomorrow for a few days. I'll try to let go of all these thoughts and enjoy the rest of the holiday as much as I can. I think I need to be fully offline to achieve this. I'll get back to the board in a few days. Take care everyone.

darkwolf

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Re: Is there a way out of this mess?
« Reply #460 on: August 23, 2013, 02:30:15 PM »
Enjoy asha! And remember, being free of stress through as much as possible of your life or a vacation, is your true birthright. I hope you learn to love that state and seek it out more without any crutches to get there.
One year with no PMO on 4/25/14. The difference is known, so one lifetime is my counter as of now.

Detailed report on a technique to deal in a successful way with F(antasy) and MO relapse urges.

My NEW journal. A link to the old is in first post.

"When you learn to love hell, you will be in heaven."

"All things must pass."

Canada2012

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Re: Is there a way out of this mess?
« Reply #461 on: August 24, 2013, 07:33:44 AM »
Good! Stay offline Asha.

Then tell me how the last days went when you come back.

asha.med

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Re: Is there a way out of this mess?
« Reply #462 on: September 03, 2013, 02:06:06 AM »
Back from holiday. It was great. 20 days of clean rebooting. Due to being with my gf 24/7. My mood changed, my brain changed, I felt closer than ever to my gf and I even started having thoughts and fantasies of how a family with her would be.

Then I came back home. To my computers, the fast internet connection and working alone from home in the mornings.

I thought I'd be ok but I messed up on day 1. Monday (yesterday) was our first day of work so she went to hers and I stayed at home. And PMOed. Twice. I was going to post about it but I really didn't want to waste even one more second on PMO-related activities. So I moved on with work and that went really well. I worked for 6 hours (with frequent breaks) and got a lot out of the way. September is a really busy month for me and I have to work on at least 6-7 different projects!

This morning, I stayed again at home, watched porn once again and made serious plans to go see a hooker. I even posted in the hooker forum asking if anyone has seen that hooker I couldn't find the other time. Thankfully, after about an hour of edging, I just couldn't hold it anymore and Oed. All hooker thoughts vanished. (Until god knows when...).

Right. Fucked up situation.

So... after 20 days of reboot.. it's...



Day 0 (13:01)

After 3 PMOs in the last couple of days, my mind is foggy. It's not that bad though. I feel that I can still function ok.

I really don't want to post a lot about this now, I just want to *DO* something about it. Obviously, staying alone at home is not an option. It pisses me off that I can't do it but I have to accept it. If I'm at home alone, I'll PMO. I don't think I can fight this on my own at the moment.

It was great during the holiday but the addiction (PMO) and the inner mechanism it feeds (to always self-sabotage in order to create a stressful state) are both alive and kicking. After so many days of reboot, they want to re-assert their dominance in my mind. Unfortunately, they have succeeded (today and yesterday). Yesterday was still a good day though and I'm not going to let them to completely ruin today either.

I'm going to the coffee shop now and I'm going to keep going every day. The problem is, it opens at 11 and my gf leaves at 9 from home. So these 2 hours are the riskiest part of my day. If possible, I'd like to leave home with her. But I have nowhere to go.

Anyway, I'm not going to post too often these days. I need to get some things straight first. Maybe come up with some strategy to prevent myself from being alone. A little voice inside me tells me I'll never be able to get rid of this addiction but I know I haven't tried everything yet. If I keep trying new strategies and approaches, I'll find a way out.

I am going to review all options (this journal, the one-habit-at-a-time approach, the recovery nation workshop) and try to come up with a more solid approach to fight this. At the moment, it's all mixed up in my head and that's not really helpful. Maybe I just need to do less. Maybe I'll just focus on the workshop.. or maybe I could make a plan just for a week or a month, try it, and tweak it every month... I don't know... but I definitely need some consistency.

Anyway... gotta go... I'll take a look at your journals at some point but I don't know when yet. I hope you are all ok.

There is a way out of this mess and we will find it!

trapped7

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Re: Is there a way out of this mess?
« Reply #463 on: September 03, 2013, 03:44:08 AM »
I think reviewing your options and developing a new approach like you mentioned is a good thing to do.

You mentioned that you won't post here often because you have to come up with a strategy first.
Maybe posting here everyday could be part of the new strategy? Posting regularly may be one of the more effective things we can do.

Your say you're afraid you'll never get rid of the addiction. I think that's quite true.
To elaborate on that, for me it was a huge step forward to accept the fact that, I probably would not rid myself of this addiction, ever. Now I look at it differently, which is in terms of managing it. Getting to a point of recovery, a healthy brain balance (3-6 months in) and then maintaining it, which implies daily work.
Posting regularly, learning and reading about the addiction, that kind of thing.

You say you always relapse when you're alone at home. Have you tried installing a webblocker, like K9 creating a random password and hiding it? I never liked the idea of webblockers in the past, but right now it works and is surprisingly effective in my recovery.
If you're worried about the 2 hours until the coffeeshop opens (going there is I think a great action step by the way) why don't you leave the apartment shortly after your gf leaves? You could do some exercise or go for a walk for an hour if you have the time, before going to the coffee shop.

Good luck to you!


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Gilgamesj

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Re: Is there a way out of this mess?
« Reply #464 on: September 03, 2013, 08:40:22 AM »
Sorry to hear man. Someone told me the other day that it is a marathon, not a sprint. Don't let this ruin the great time you had with your gf. Keep those memories close, they're very valuable.

Quote
I really don't want to post a lot about this now, I just want to *DO* something about it.

This kind of response (sorry to say) fits very well with the addiction. It's the need for immediate gratification. The thing we (addicts) need to learn is to steadily build a new foundation to live by.

I want to advice you to not care too much about abstaining for now (as you said before - better (P)MO than going to a hooker. In the meantime keep doing your RN lessons. Try to do two of them a week, to keep it fresh. I'm sure that if you do a couple more you will begin to see where it's headed and that it will give help you with a sustainable long term change of behaviour that will dissolve your addiction.

Keep it up!

porn:   first a bit of pleasure, then a lot of pain
sports: first a bit of pain, then a lot of pleasure


asha.med

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Re: Is there a way out of this mess?
« Reply #465 on: September 03, 2013, 10:49:23 PM »
Day 1 (09:40)

trapped, I think you are right so I'll try to post more often. It's just that being offline during my holiday was really refreshing (I didn't think of PMO at all) and I thought that maybe it'd be better to not remind myself about this issue every single day. I'm just not sure if constant awareness of a problem is only helpful or if at point it starts re-enforcing the problem rather than fixing it. (Does that make any sense?)

Thanks for the suggestion for the web blockers but they just don't work on me. If I want to watch porn and there's a computer with internet connection, I'll find my way around it sooner or later. I'll give it another try though, just to make porn a little more difficult to reach. This might be enough to stop me sometimes.

"Accepting, Living with the addiction and managing it" sounds like a much better expectation and approach to have about it.

Gil, thanks for reminding me. I did have a great time during holiday and my stupid addict brain tries to minimise that and take it away from me. I see what you mean about instant gratification. I'll move on with the workshop.

True, thank you. I hope to figure it out...

---

So, what's the new plan? First of all, I'd like to deal with this 2-hour risky window in the morning. For this month, I'll do the following:

I will dedicate these 2 hours to me. My physical and mental well-being is as important as my work and everything else I devote my time to. In fact, it's more important and I keep forgetting that. So, from 9 - 11, I will read articles about the addiction and about positive change, move on with the recovery nation workshop, post on my journal and yours, meditate, exercise, shower, prepare and generate motivation for the rest of the day. I don't know how much of that I can do every day but I'll just get started and figure it out on the way. I'm supposed to help myself, not create another thing to stress out about.

I'm not going to worry about the rest of the day at least for another week. There is plenty of time to do my work, relax, eat and have fun after 11 and right now I just want to focus on the morning problem.

That's all for now. I'll come back a little before 11 to let you know how it went.

asha.med

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Re: Is there a way out of this mess?
« Reply #466 on: September 04, 2013, 12:24:23 AM »
Day 1 (11:20)

So, I'm back to report the things I *DID* during "me-time" today.  Who knowsÖ maybe I'll turn this risky 9-11 time block into the most beneficial part of my day.


The articles helped with understanding and accepting the addiction. The workout was short but awesome as was the meditation. I have no idea what this me-time will evolve into but as long as I do positive things during this time, I'm sure it'll be helpful.

Unfortunately, I'm not going to the coffee shop because it's quite far and I have a meeting with a client at 13:00 close to my place. It's a little risky to stay here now but I feel ok. I think I can hold it for a couple of hours. I'll go to the coffee shop right after my meeting.

trapped7

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Re: Is there a way out of this mess?
« Reply #467 on: September 04, 2013, 01:28:29 AM »
Nice work, turning that risky time span into a productive one!
I am sure it will be very beneficial to you and your recovery if you can turn this into a routine. Well, a child could do the math of this.

As for webbblockers, they didn't work for me in the beginning as well and I never believed in them. Right now I don't have many urges to watch P, but I do have triggers and impulses to do so - and for this webblockers are very effective in my opinion.
They are justanother tool in the anti-addiction toolbox of course. But why not use all the tools we can if they can make a difference, even if it's just a small one.

I was on a journey until recently and noticed that the availability of material made a crucial difference for me. If I understood you correctly, you've been away for some 20 days and have not watched any P during that time and have thus felt much better for the time being.
So I am saying that just maybe the availability and accessability of material could be an important cornerstone in you recovery too.

And I think I understand very well what you mean when you say that having this problem in your awareness constantly might actually be counterproductive at some point. I also had used to have those thoughts.
But I don't believe it is. You don't have to have to think about it _all_ the time. Yet I think that dedicating some time every day to work on this is very important and a key to recovery.
Otherwise, if we kind of ignore the problem for too long, if we act as if it wasn't there and not commit to investing time and energy into the recovery process regularly, it's certain that the power of the addiction will draw us back in.

Dramatic, isn't it? But that's how it is, I guess.

Keep up the good work, just like you started out today.




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asha.med

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Re: Is there a way out of this mess?
« Reply #468 on: September 05, 2013, 12:37:59 AM »
Day 2 (11:20)

trapped, thanks, I'm now focusing on turning this into a proper routine. I'll give webblockers another try. In fact, it only takes a minute, I'll just do it now... Done! OpenDNS family name servers set up! I'm with you with the awareness/ignorance approach. I think that was partly my addict talking or some not-so-healthy-get-results-now voice (as gil mentioned). Your approach is more healthy and it makes a lot of sense.

So, for this week, I'm mostly going to develop this routine. Get up, have my business meeting (08:30), then spend 9-11 to read more (addiction, positive/motivational articles, journals) then put some of the advice into action (exercise, meditate, positive writing).

Here's what I did today:

Re-read: http://zenhabits.net/obstacle-work/
Read: http://jamesclear.com/positive-thinking
Read remaining of: http://yourbrainonporn.com/rewire-your-brain-using-ocd-neuroscience

I like how the more scientific (YBOP) article is synced with the other two in terms of suggested actions on how to solve these issues. Like exercise and meditation, which is what I'm focusing on now. James Clear's article also suggests writing about positive experiences so I'm going to try and do that too.

I also did the 7 minute workout again. Makes me sweat like a pig... awesome. When I get used to it I'll try to do two in a row.

I took a shower a few minutes ago and all I have a left to do now is meditate on calm.com for about 5 minutes and get on with my day (go to the coffee shop to work).

My strategy at the moment is to focus on *doing* positive things. The key: they need to be easy and short. I will devote this 2 hour block in my day for this and I must remember that this is as important (or more) than everything else I do during the day (work, etc).

Alright, I'm going for my meditation and I'm off to work. Hope all of you guys are doing well.


-------
Positive experience (wrote this earlier today)
I can't believe how difficult it is to think of a recent positive experience. Right now it's as if my whole past is just a bunch of grey "meh" moments. Negative experiences pop up like mushrooms in my head but oh! I remembered! Couple of days ago. My business associate called me after his meeting with a very important client and gave the best news ever! Some really big and promising opportunities have emerged and I feel great about our future. We've been working like pigs for the past 2-3 years and it seems that it's time to reap the rewards. So, that was a really good experience and I am grateful for my business associate for this achievement and of course I'm grateful for the people who brought us closer to these high-profile clients.

As usual, the negative part of me is saying that all this will bring more responsibility, more stress and anxiety but you know what.. it'll also bring more growth! So screw you. I know you're afraid of change and you'd like to stay in your little comfort zone, jerking off daily but that's such a waste of life. Man up, move on, make mistakes, own them and fix them and grow.

asha.med

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Re: Is there a way out of this mess?
« Reply #469 on: September 05, 2013, 11:22:02 PM »
Day 3 (10:00)

True, I find that having a realistic strategy and applying it helps a lot with motivation. We all want to get out of this awful addiction but without a plan (and one that doesn't seem daunting) it's very hard.

Yes, my work is my number 1 stressor. It makes sense because my whole family are workaholics. But unlike them, I'm trying to manage it as best as I can. I have realised that it never ends and that I can start and stop it every time I want without the world or my life falling apart. Now I'm trying to go from theory to practice.

Which is what I've been doing for the past couple of days. I'm getting up, and instead of working, I focus on me. I have a 2-hour me-time where I ignore everything work related and I just sit calmly and comfortably, reading stuff about the addiction, meditating, exercising and doing positive things for myself. If my mother could see me she'd scream "what the hell are you doing? you're supposed to work first and play after you're done - [and you're never really done!]". But I'm going against this.

Yesterday, I worked only for 5 hours. And it was one of the best sessions I've had. I didn't feel fed up with it at all. After me-time, I went to the coffee shop to work and at 5:30 it all stopped. No more work after that. I got back home and I spent a nice evening with my gf, read more and later her brother came over and we watched a movie. I worked less, enjoyed it more and enjoyed the rest of my day even more. That's a perfect day for me and I think my current strategy helps me create more days like this one. Obviously, I've just been doing it for a couple of days and I expect heavy resistance at some point but I'll worry about that when it's time. For now, I'm going to move on with my simple plan.

----

So, today's healing session was a little delayed. The only thing I do before that is my daily work meeting at 08:30 (where me and my associate just plan what we'll do during the day) and it usually takes 15-30 minutes. Today it stretched for another hour (until 10:00) so I'm starting me-time a little late. I'll devote 2 full hours though. I don't mind. Work is not more important than this. I'll go a little later to the coffee shop.

Ok, I'm out. Going to post later about how it went.

asha.med

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Re: Is there a way out of this mess?
« Reply #470 on: September 06, 2013, 01:25:22 AM »
Day 3 (12:00)

For the last 3 days, this high-risk morning time span has transformed into the most positive part of my day. Here's what I did today:

I re-read all yesterday's articles and I'll keep doing this every day. I prefer to have little but important information really sink-in in my mind rather than read a lot of stuff and forget about them.

Some new articles I read today were links from yesterday's articles:

http://charliehoehn.com/2013/05/19/how-i-cured-my-anxiety/
I identify a lot with this guy as I have also forgotten how to play. I'd like to focus on that next but it's so difficult to think of fun/play stuff to do with others. The only thing that comes to mind is cinema and going for drinks. Any ideas?

http://www.yourbrainonporn.com/tools-meditation/
I stayed a little longer on YBOP today. I followed some of the links from yesterday's article and then read the page about meditation to learn more about it and keep the motivation going. Yesterday I did an extra 2' meditation on calm.com when my gf went out for a bit in the evening. It seems to be extremely helpful.

http://yourbrainonporn.com/uncle-bob-porn-addiction-recovery-tips
That's nice, hadn't noticed it before. Just keep refreshing the page to get advice and tips. Did that 3-4 times today.

Also completed another 7-minute workout. It's getting easier every day so I increased the speed today and got really wasted. It feels awesome. I love how easy it is and how I can find no excuse to skip this. It's just 7 unpleasant minutes leading to feeling great!

Shower comes next and getting dressed to go to work. Then posting this and for last I save my 5 minute meditation on calm.com. I love the post-meditation feeling and I want to be on that state when I get out in the world. An impatient voice asks me to do 10 minutes today but I'll ignore it. There's no rush.

Oh, and a positive experience. One from yesterday. My gf just looked at me, kissed me, told me "Thank you" and hugged me last night. I said, "what for?". It was a generic thank you but after a while she said "you calm me down". (What!? Me!? Are you sure?) I guess that was because I was super calm yesterday, due to meditating twice, being effective but not obsessed about work and leaving enough time for other activities such as discussing calmly with my gf about her work (it's not going well) and some side-projects she's worried about these days. I was just trying to help her find solutions without pushing her or anything. I attribute most of that to successfully applying my recent strategy. Anyway, "you're welcome my gf and thank you for being with me. I love you".

"...if only you knew the truth!"  ... oh shut the fuck up! Can't you just let me appreciate a positive experience? You sly little shit. I can't believe how I got pissed off about this now and some nasty pathways already got activated in my brain! Take it easy... Remember: "The secret of change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old, but on building the new." That stupid voice is from the past. Accept it will be there for a while... or maybe even forever. Focus on the future.

Right, meditation and I'm out...

darkwolf

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Re: Is there a way out of this mess?
« Reply #471 on: September 06, 2013, 01:36:23 AM »
Face and embrace the new asha. You're seeing the signs of progress and healing. Tell that old shit to piss right off. I'm very proud of you. :)
One year with no PMO on 4/25/14. The difference is known, so one lifetime is my counter as of now.

Detailed report on a technique to deal in a successful way with F(antasy) and MO relapse urges.

My NEW journal. A link to the old is in first post.

"When you learn to love hell, you will be in heaven."

"All things must pass."

asha.med

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Re: Is there a way out of this mess?
« Reply #472 on: September 09, 2013, 12:26:36 AM »
Day 6 (09:30 - 11:00)

Thanks Dark and True!

The weekend was a little weird. I didn't PMO but after having (awesome) sex with my gf on Saturday morning, I had a little chaser effect and when she unexpectedly had to go for about an hour, I may have watched a little porn and browsed the hooker forums a bit. I really wasn't prepared for that combo (chaser+staying alone). Anyway, I didn't O and didn't even edge so I'll keep the counter running...

The plan for the weekend was to not plan anything. The only goal was to get out of the house and do something different. Which didn't happen, unfortunately. Somehow, we both ended up spending a lot of time in front of computers, either working or watching tv and movies. I didn't even realise how this happened. Anyway, next weekend, we both promised we'll do something more interesting.

With the weekend not being that great, I was actually looking forward to this moment. Monday morning 9-11. A time I would previous be scared of that has lately turned into a healing session.

So, I've started writing this at 9:30 and I'm going to keep editing it until around 11, documenting all the things I do.

Reading (same stuff again and a few new articles):
http://zenhabits.net/obstacle-work/ - I'll keep reading this!
http://zenhabits.net/the-worry/ - Similar article, applies almost every time I try to start working on something
http://zenhabits.net/discomfort-ruin/ - Similar, embracing discomfort
http://jamesclear.com/positive-thinking - Already putting the advice into action with meditation and writing about positive experiences but I still suck at "playing". I actually asked my gf about what kind of things we can do together that are non-productive and just plain fun and we both couldn't come up with much. Any ideas?
http://yourbrainonporn.com/im-going-reveal-you-1-secret-overcome-pornography-addiction - The PORN is not an option mindset. Read it once, and forgot about it. I think I'm going to spend a few minutes every day just asking myself "are you ok with never watching porn and going to hookers ever again?" and see what's going on in my head. I hope at some point I will be able to confidently say "yes".
http://yourbrainonporn.com/uncle-bob-porn-addiction-recovery-tips - This is so great. I just keep refreshing the page.

Positive experience:
I found it a little difficult to think of a positive experience today, with this last weekend being such a failure and me focusing so much about it. I had to go a few weeks back, during our holiday, to find something positive. It was a day when me and my gf were discussing with my sister (a teacher) and she ended up giving us a lesson on world war 1. She walked as through a 30' presentation which we stretched to over an hour and a half and we all loved it. We learned something new and got closer to my sister (which I don't see very often).

Daily uncomfortable thing:
Today I'm thinking of going to get a haircut. For some reason I've been pushing this back for the whole of last week. It's stupid, I know, but I used to go to this one guy for years back in my hometown who knew what to do and here (over a year after moving in with my gf in this town) I still haven't found someone I feel comfortable with. But it has to be done. I'm starting to look like a homeless guy.

Exercise:
Did the 7-minute workout again. Good stuff. Showered right after.

Meditation:
Did a 5' guided session on calm.com. It's still difficult to keep my mind from drifting away to random thoughts but I guess it needs more time and practice. Still I feel much calmer now.

Reminder:
This morning session is more important than my work and everything else I do during the day. It's a time for me to heal and allow myself to relax and grow its positive side. Don't forget that.

Right, going to get started with my day. Will catch up with your journals later in the evening. Hope you are all ok.

trapped7

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Re: Is there a way out of this mess?
« Reply #473 on: September 09, 2013, 05:04:10 AM »
How did you watch P with the webblocker set in place?

I think the daily ritual you have worked out is great.
Keep building it, it is - just like you say - one of the most important things you can do.

I am also trying to build mine. I did it almost everyday over the last 10 days and it makes a tremendous difference.


« Last Edit: September 09, 2013, 05:18:03 AM by trapped7 »


my journal

Action is more important than knowledge.

asha.med

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Re: Is there a way out of this mess?
« Reply #474 on: September 09, 2013, 07:50:45 AM »
Day 6 (18:40)

Back from work and gf's in the kitchen cooking so I'll be super brief.

Trapped, I have 4 computers in my house and a couple of phones with web browsers on them. I installed the web blocker on the main laptop I use (for work) but on Saturday I was working on the desktop (hence the slip up). That blocker has actually saved me a couple of times already. You are right, it's very effective. It's really difficult to secure everything though, especially the phones, but I'm going to setup the blocker on the main desktop (I'm using it now, actually). The problem is my work *IS* the internet and I have a lot of devices to test stuff so you can imagine...

Well done on working on a daily ritual (I'll check it out). It's really helpful! Remember to keep it simple!

My ritual is working great so far but it's such a challenge to keep it easy and simple. There are a lot more things I'd like to do during that time span (e.g. support fellow rebooters, I've been awful at that lately) but I have to keep it simple for now. Top priority right now is to allow myself to accept and enjoy this "healing time" every day. After that, I'm trying to get some work done without feeling stressed and then I go home to relax and play (I'm not that good at that but I'll get there eventually). I've also left the workshop unfinished, but as I said, I can't do all of these things effectively at the same time. I think in time, my routine will change and accommodate other things too like the workshop and participating more in the board. At the moment, I'm just getting used to the idea that I deserve this time. I need to seriously brainwash myself that I do.

I guess, most of my future posts will be really repetitive and boring but as long as it's effective, I don't mind. Please, feel free to ignore my journal for a little while...