glad to have found YBOP and this forum!
I am in my mid 30s and have two issues at hand: First, I started to PMO at the age of 12 or 13 and second, I have never had sex with a real person. What does that mean for me? I have absolutely no clue what my sexual orientation is and who I really am. And here is why: Even if I close to always fell in love with women (only once with a boy at the age of 23, who looked like a girl), I developed SOCD at a very early age, when I had feelings of attraction to another boy in my early puberty (he was on TV). That absolutely shocked me and I more and more started the road into depression as I got strong "forced" sexual fantasies towards men. Why do I say forced? They always popped up when I felt bad and never felt very pleasureable, quite the contrary. They were very torturing and self-humiliating. More like a burden I had to release with jerking off. Feeling like shit afterwards. And not because of moral issues, I never saw homosexuality as something bad. I just did not feel good. From this day on I constantly asked myself the typical questions like:"Do I like this guy or this girl more? Does he look good? Do I feel aroused?" and so on.
This stayed with me to this day and I guess my porn habits did not help the issue either. I PMOed to porn very often starting with harmless "Playboy" pictures of women until I got high speed internet with 13 or 14. During my "career" I watched everything from hetersexual porn, to homosexual (lesbian and gay) porn, over to tranny porn. Mostly to videos, but also to pictures now and then. I found YBOP some months ago, but did not think of it too much until I had my first light sexual contact with via a erotic massage. The woman giving me the massage was absolutely beautiful and nice, but I could not get a hard erection (maybe 60%) and no orgasm the first time. I tried it a second time and had to think of (humiliating) homosexual porn to get an orgasm. I of course fell into a nice depression, as old feelings of disorientation have come up at once.
Well, I am now on the quest to find myself by avoding all the porn. I have no clue if porn can have such an impact on oneself. Even if I read all the accounts here, I still have my doubts. But sadly doubting myself and my feelings is one of my primary character traits...so that is no wonder.
So I am completly lost concerning my orientation and especially doubt all my previous feelings for women (which partly have been very strong, going on for months up to a year) as my SOCD tells me I am gay all the time, if I have sexual feelings for men. Funny thing is, I have never experienced a boner towards a real life guy, only fantazising. Sadly, only two or three times for a woman as well.
Started to abstain from porn and porn fantasies since October 1st, though I have MO two times since then. Maybe this will help me to gain some clarification as the whole situation is destroying my life.
Thanks for reading and maybe someone can relate or give some advice!