ZeeBawn Journal

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by ZeeBawn, Dec 1, 2014.

  1. ZeeBawn

    ZeeBawn Member

    @Fry2, Thank you so much for this encouragement. I often feel like I'm walking alone in the mission to give up social media, great to hear that you guys are enjoying success and the benefits of being free of invasive media content, the worst by far being porn. I agree, it is a lifetime process, which we walk (not run) steadily, but we have each other. The Big Book of AA says "We trudge the road of Happy destiny." One of my sponsors explained how profound this was, that the journey is not a sprint, or even a brisk walk, but we "trudge" through this journey, each step taken carefully, sometimes with great difficulty, sometimes painful, but each step is happy because we gain freedom from obsession and compulsion to drink or act out. We are no longer enslaved. I've logged onto Facebook and Instagram a couple of times, but each time I know I shouldn't be there. I'm grateful that I have managed to click away quite quickly without getting sucked in, so heading to about two weeks now since I did get dragged in and was lot in it. But now, I tend to compulsively go onto Whatsapp, which is a bit more practical as it keeps me in touch with family, friends, work, my training group/instructor and even my recovery group, as well as church. The problem is when I get pulled into looking at people's statuses, but it is nowhere near the level of obsession as facebook, which pushes so much content down our throats and which has such a huge archive of other people's content, their friends, strangers etc, same with Instagram. I was never big into Twitter, but Youtube is a potentially seductive space, and can easily suck hours of my time. Life at the moment is filled with so many blessings. Me and my wife welcome a healthy baby into the world, I'm in love. I could look at the many things that I might be dissatisfied with, and there are definitely challenges, as any life should have, but I feel blessed. I am grateful to this forum, to my family, my group in SAA, my friends and even my colleagues who have been so supportive to me. I'm back at work and miss baby, but I know the Lord has me covered each step. Now just praying that I make positive adjustments in my life, keep myself occupied with productive activity, things that allow me to grow spiritually and in help me be more productive in my responsibilities.
     
  2. ZeeBawn

    ZeeBawn Member

    I think I might have shared about this before; I have a tendency to fall into a pattern of putting on my ear phones while I work at my desk. I've know for a long time that I work better when they are off, but noise and loud chatter in the open plan has sort of forced me on certain occasions to out on music, especially on a day when I can sense that there will be a lot of excitement throughout the day. While I might ACTUALLY need them for about 5% of the day to shut out overbearing noise, there is probably another 5% of the time when I "need" to listen to the a relevant video or audio. I sometimes end up leaving them on absentmindedly, most of the time with nothing playing (they make good earplugs, but apparently a hotbed of bacteria). I often keep them on when I enter a spree of social media surfing. But an interesting emotion has arisen now when I try to not use them, it isn't so much the volume of the people's conversations or comments, but the type of content in their speech. You see, I work in an office with people who are extremely different from me, in terms of culture and ethnicity, and I most of the time I feel like I can't relate, like an outsider. I won't go into details, lest I be labelled racist/bitter.. But, while some of my resentments in this area are linked to real historical events that happened in my part of the world, I know that a lot of the emotions that I experience in this regard are a result of my own thinking, as with any other resentment. I wish to be as vague as possible so we do not enter into a political debate, but rather a sociological/psychological one here on the forum. For instance, I do not specify whether my colleague are from a different tribe within the same racial group (hence different ethnicity and culture, but same racial group) or from a different race altogether (and therefore different under every demographic element). Anyway, I often feel a slight aversion to the vocal tones and accents of my colleagues and my instinct is to put some music on and zone out. I know this is being amplified by the impending review, as my supervisor comes from this group and our politics often don't match up. In my mind I make accusations of racism, and imagine counter accusations from the other side, in my paranoia. I stay away from political conversations in the office, but I cannot help to feel isolated, along with some of my colleagues who come from my ethnic group. It is a resentment that lingers in my heart, something I often pray for help in dealing with, some kind of revelation and template from which to work from in this regard.

    I recently had an encounter with my cousin, who rubs me the wrong way and today came up to me with some slightly vexing news, informing me she wouldn't be able to do something important that she had committed to yesterday, with only four hours before this thing needs to be done. Again, won't go into details. I was a bit surprised I didn't snap at her, maybe because I was in front of my partner. I don't even feel like snapping when I'm alone with her later, opting to rather ignore the oversight on her part, although I have repeatedly requested very early notice on the matter at hand. I feel it is a bit of a victory for me, some kind of spiritual progress, or maybe it could just me being numb to my cousin's ways, half expecting that she would drop the ball at the last minute, as she has repeatedly done in the past. I made an alternate plan, but it sucks because it means I'm missing out on some important stuff happening at home with my partner.

    I'm taking things one day at a time, spent two hours on Instagram between today and yesterday, logged off on my PC and deleted the apps after doing what I had needed to do, and I now feel a bit more calm, with only this forum as an alternative to my actual work when I hit a wall. YouTube is a potential problem for me, but just need to fight through the temptations.
     
  3. ZeeBawn

    ZeeBawn Member

    Another day, I'm taking a moment to thank my higher power for blessing me with another day on this earth. I'm grateful for life itself, all the people in my life who support me and for second chances, I see that I have second chances in so many areas, whether it's in recovery, in our professional lives or in personal relationships. I've made mistakes in my work, but I recognise that I have opportunities to redeem myself. I was reminded in my morning reading that we are obedient in work, to our customers and managers, but in reality our obedience is to a higher principle. If I resist, I know I will not be able to learn along the way. I'm really grateful for all I have, just need to spend more time budgeting and planning for next year.

    I spoke to my sponsor about starting step work again. This time, he says it will go faster to encourage daily surrender, and also because we've been through them. I'm in approaching a couple of tough meetings over the next couple of weeks. Seeking strength in this and today in preparing for them.
     
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  4. ZeeBawn

    ZeeBawn Member

    I logged back onto Facebook today. I've been watching Netflix recently and have allowed myself onto Youtube recently.

    I struggled during the day, filling the moments of idleness, like when I have a lull after a meeting or when I want to take a breather before starting on a challenging piece of work.

    I went onto Facebook and the entire group suggestions tab was about transgender this and that. I was shaken, and appalled with myself for clicking into the groups and even into some of the profiles.

    It did not escalate, and I feel I haven't acted out, but I most definitely put myself in danger. I believe the Youtube and Netflix isn't helping me.

    I will make a commitment that when I am at home, I will only read books or just sleep, except when I must do my taxes etc... It will be tough but the electronic media is not helpful to my reboot at all..

    Otherwise, all is well. I need to attend a meeting and I need to see my sponsor, along with doing my tax returns and some other personal admin. Sitting with a bunch of credit card debt, which I want to bring down gradually.
     
  5. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Active Member

    28 days? Just wanted to say, well done! :)
     
  6. ZeeBawn

    ZeeBawn Member

    Thanks man, 28 days since I binged on transgender profiles on facebook, didn't do porn but the effects were the same, that's why yesterday was so frightening..
     

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