Well look who is here .... UGH.

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by ruggerdoug, Jul 31, 2014.

  1. 40New30

    40New30 Keep going

    Progress is the name of the game!
    It sounds corny, but it's true...just keep progressing and doing better each day. Nobody can ask more of us than that.
  2. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Rugger, lots of nuggets of wisdom in your posts, but this one especially stuck with me.
    I'm glad you're still here.
  3. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Rugger is back. I've been posting as Gandalf .... I felt that my though patterns here were still hitched to the Alicia thing and felt I was going round and round.

    I started posting as Gandalf to walk away from all that crap.

    I have discovered a number of things.

    But tomorrow I start Rugby practice. This journal is really who I am for good and bad. That Gandalf writings served their purpose.

    I'm 4 days into a no PMO, no dating apps, no erotica streak and holding solid. I'm in a bit of a flatline and currently fighting the temptation to test. I know that the flatline is a gauntlet that must be run to get to the other side of this but even knowing that it is unnerving.

    I accept the fact that 2018 is likely to be the year of the No Woman for Rugger.

    I must:
    • Remove from my life dating apps and erotica NOT just porn. In fact, porn itself hasn't been much of an issue for me for a long time. But the effects of dating apps and erotica are the same. They are absolutely direct substitutes.
    • Live my life authentically. I'm a Christian. I need to go to church and be involved in the mission work our church does in the inner city. I am an athlete who likes lifting heavy things and playing Rugby. I need to move daily, lift heavy things regularly and get re-involved with the club. Practice starts tonight for the Spring season. I'm many other things. I need to do those things. Otherwise I feel like a fraud because I am living as one. And that feeling makes me susceptible to PMO, dating apps, erotica.
    • Be patient.
    • Be active. It is hard to be patient when idle. I sit and stew. This weekend I filled the weekend with workouts, a bourbon hunt, an IKEA project trip, and house cleaning. This week I'm going to create a list of "shit to do when I don't have shit to do" so that when I feel bored I have options. In the heat of the moment it is too easy to choose bad things.
    This weekend doing life I wasn't lonely, bored or tempted to the point I gave in. In a way I went out on a date with myself. And that's what I have to look forward to in 2018.

    Boxer17 and bobjes like this.
  4. bobjes

    bobjes Active Member

    Does that mean you have a couch now? ;)
    Boxer17 likes this.
  5. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    No couch. Shelf!

    My apartment is still sparse but less so than last year. My ex used to buy everything so we had cheap stuff ... lots of cheap stuff .... I am holding out for exactly what I want ... funny I can be patient with "things" but struggle with patience as it relates to other kinds of gratification.

  6. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    A little shaky over the last 36 hours. About to hit a week. Need to set a counter here. Shaky but making progress.

    Rugby practice last night. And, of course, I attended the after practice. I've played once and practiced zero times in two years. Those that knew me were happy to have me back; new guys were accepting but I had no fear they wouldn't. Old boys have a special place in Rugby. My hamstrings hate me and I'm a little pissed that we had over an inch of snow fall during our 2 hour practice. Went knowing it was going to be extra miserable. Miracle of miracles I am not he slowest guy on the team either.

    Lesson learned (or remembered): Surround yourself with good people.

    Hit a Starbucks early this morning before my first client meeting. Young barista taking my order said "That's the kind of man I like. Older man who takes his coffee black, no cream because he doesn't like to hide the taste." Yes, been thinking about that line all day. No action beyond some flirting back. But it was a great way to start the day.

    Got done at a client early. Called one of our business development guys. He's usually at some networking event at the end of the day. Sometimes its coffee. Sometimes its beer. I didn't feel like going home. Ended up at a March Madness event. Reconnected with some old friends, flirted like a Rock Star with one of the waitresses, and grabbed a good fistful of new prospects.

    Lesson learned (or remembered): When you get your damn eyeballs off the screens, your brain out of the gutter and your hands out of your pants there is an abundance of beautiful, interesting women in the world. And they'll talk to ya if your present in the world!

    Tomorrow's another day. Another step.

  7. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Bad start to the day. Woke up with a bit of wood. And nervous energy. One thing led to another and then ammo. No screens involved. Still feels like defeat.

    Been doing this long enough to know though it’s not a restart. It’s a continuation of the progress of been making. Still sad about it.
    Boxer17 likes this.
  8. bobjes

    bobjes Active Member

    No need to be sad, look at it as you do as a lesson remembered (-:

    I Love that you are writing again! (-:
  9. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    End of the day ... well it's night now and I have work to do ... but kind of an end ... got busy today and didn't notice the slip this morning.

    I'm going to be ok.

    Two things I'm fighting.

    1. Loneliness. Especially a need for touch. Sometimes it is such an ache. I have to find a way to divert the ache.
    2. My life is in a desert so to speak. Right now my first rung up is to hit business goals and in June I'm going to be promoted and get a raise. Right now given the divorce settlement and some other things nearly 2/3 of my pay isn't mine.

    Number 1 is excruciating while number 2, in the moment, at least is difficult to say the least. Sometimes I'm in a cage and I just can't move. I have little flexibility and the PMO lifestyle allows me to find pleasure that dulls the pains from these realities --- I am alone, I do hunger for touch and I do not have much materially.

    But as always I must find patience. And I so struggle with that.

    In six months a raise. I'll have a little wiggle room. All I need is wiggle room. Wiggle room won't solve everything but it will give me enough to move forward in life. Couch! And other things!

    I know wiggle room ... or money ... isn't going to solve anything ... but damn things are so tight!

    My reality. I want a woman in my life while I climb this climb out of the abyss. The abyss I am in is not just PMO. It is financial, legal, emotional, spiritual .... There is a clear path out. But the path can't be sprinted. And I am so NOT patient!

  10. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Active Member

    I agree with bobjes. No need to be sad. Progress is always positive

Share This Page