Well look who is here .... UGH.

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by ruggerdoug, Jul 31, 2014.

  1. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Woke up much more at peace this morning than I have been.

    Some mornings have been frantic checks of dating sites to see if the bots have shown me any love. When I cleaned my phone last night I had no idea how many apps I had loaded; wasn't using them all but they were all there and available. Not anymore.

    The peace this morning feels good.

    I would check ... and then depending on the outcome my day might be completely thrown into disarray focused on something not real and then depending on how whatever that was punched my buttons by night I was reading erotica or, lately, dipping into porn a bit.

    If a woman shows an interest in me I have an urge to FAP. The online volume, spam bots and sexuality (women looking online I swear are as sexually disturbed as us guys). Even a legit woman on a dating site might bring the wrong thing up ...

    So I've shut that down. For awahile I've not wanted to admit to that being a problem. Once I did it was easy to shut it down.

    More to go but this feels like a good step.

    Nagging me in the back of my head is the thought "where will I meet a woman" .... and that's where I need patience as the timing is all wrong and that's where I need to focus on being social outside of work AND more social for work outside of the company (we are expected to give so many hours to charity work .... given my wrestling coaching and work with Scouts I can just mail it in .... but if I were to do some extra community work for that committment I might just meet someone but if not I'm at least not sitting at home tempted.

    Good day ahead.

    RD
     
  2. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Today is still peaceful. Little temptation.
     
  3. fcjl8

    fcjl8 The only path for me

    Glad you are hanging in there RD! Man, I am cheering for you brother.
     
  4. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Wiping everything clean and living without the pressure of not doing it has been a blessing. Much easier today. Very peaceful. It's been a long day. Not a bad day. Just up early and worked until eight. Heading to bed early. But things are good.
     
  5. fcjl8

    fcjl8 The only path for me

    Good stuff RD. Nice post kind of a good gratitude thing going.

    I am here fro you brother.
     
  6. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Again. At peace. At least sexually. No great emotional tug to, well, tug. Putting the dating sites on the shelf was needed to give that peace. I do have to manage the inner voice saying "well how else are you going to meet someone" but that's easier to defend than "just one more peek".

    I'm angry. Not at anything g in particular. I'm just boiling mad underneath the surface. Going to have to run it off tonight. Lots of workday between now and then.

    Rugger
     
  7. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Having a moment. Working on a presentation by watching some videos on the same topic I've going to talk on and suddenly felt the urge to get online and look at something else. I'm on my work computer so I'm safe. Feeling is leaving as I type this out .... but it was like a flash of temptation ...

    Just noticed that I'm at 5 days ... how the fuck did I get to five days?!

    Oh, that's right ... I deleted all of the dating sights and spent my energy living life rather than spend it on not looking ... when it ran out living life I went to bed ... when it ran out not looking, I looked.

    Moments passed.

    Back to work.

    I'm good. Hope you are too.

    RD
     
    bobjes likes this.
  8. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Just dodged a bullet. Woke up normal. Made coffee. Laid back down to wait for it to brew and started old habits. Stopped myself, got out of bed. I'm now drinking coffee and done with the moment. Old habits die hard.
     
  9. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Fighting it today.

    Boys wanted to go on a taco run down near campus.

    I woke up with my mind wandering. Eyes were wandering.

    I'm fighting it today.

    A week ago I would have given in. I haven't been perfect but I'm going to make it through the day without a slip.

    This is where you beat it. Not when you start. Not when you are 72 days into a 90 day run. But right when you think things are good no matter the day count and everything lines up to make it easy to quit the quitting and give in. Fighting now makes the next fight that much easier. I'm winning it today.

    RD
     
    bobjes likes this.
  10. dig deep

    dig deep must stop wasting my life on porn

    very true ruggerdoug, each victory in battle makes the next battle easier, winning becomes a habit.
     
  11. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Miserable day.

    Fought. Won some. Lost some. Loss not enough to reset but close.

    Hate this.

    Hate it less than not fighting.

    This past week I've been pissed at my mom, my Aunt and my uncle THE REVEREND who bought the Jimmy Carter Playboy interview and some random Penthouse (WTF) .... it was that Penthouse when I was 12 that started all of this.

    Sigh.

    Making progress. But it is hard and it sucks.

    Facts:

    I am a porn addict.
    Weekdays are easy compared to weekend days; Sundays particularly suck.
    I go from 7 am to 8 pm every day this week until Friday. Easy to behave.
    Saturday usually has something going for it, particularly when I have my kids.
    Sunday? It is church ... and then a bar fight not to FAP.

    WTF?!

    Anyway my 15 year old was with a friend today. I ran some errands. Alone. But I've struggled all day. Took a couple naps. Still struggled.
    I have got to find social things to do on Saturday and Sunday. Project because shopping and hanging out at a bar don't count. Neither does sleeping and dreaming count.

    I miss Alicia. Not do something stupid miss her. But I miss her. Unresolved. The relationship is. And, yet, compared to every woman I meet. I'm not ready to move on. My weakness and her weakness just lined up wrong. Still love her. Even as I am so fucking pissed off she left me. She's the only human in my 52 years that understood my brain. My porn use is because I crave shutting my fucking brain off. I had all the ingredients and .... it failed.

    Took me 52 years to find the one! Two years to lose her. Here's to my success in my 104th year!

    Fuck that. I am going to figure it out.

    RD
     
  12. bobjes

    bobjes Active Member

    :)
     
  13. dig deep

    dig deep must stop wasting my life on porn

    This is me also,work gives me routine but on the weekend my brain changes even if I have something planned as soon as I have nothing to do I just want to pmo, so this habit,mindset has to change I need to learn to be relaxed and content doing nothing.
     
  14. fcjl8

    fcjl8 The only path for me

    You are figuring this out RD. Man, trust me this can be a wonderful process, it has lumps and bumps for sure but we grow, mature and become so much more than we ever dreamed while using PMO to mask our true identity.

    Love and peace.
     
  15. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Active Member

    Hey ruggerdoug. I like your approach. We play it one day at a time
     
  16. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Active Member

    I have found grabbing the weedeater mow lawn; something physical that can be done simply kind of gives me a kick in the pants and can sometimes break my destructive chain of thinking
    All the best
    Boxer
     
  17. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Had a slip two days ago. Just got so wound up. Had been fighting for a couple of days. Couldn't sleep and gave in one night about 2 am.

    Beyond the slip things are good.

    I'm so busy I've not allowed for time to actually get things done, relax or take on self care. I am aware of it and working to fix the scheduling issue at work. Self care is important and I'm not taking care of it. Plan is to slug through this week, catch my breath this weekend and start anew schedule wise next week. It is 2 more days of slogging. Not a big deal.

    To be clear I'm talking about starting a new routine Monday that gives me some time for personal care NOT starting no PMO until then. I slipped two days ago and I'm firmly back on the wagon. Just reacting to lessons learned.

    Here's what I've learned:

    1. Self care has to come first. I must schedule that time before anything else. Sleeping right. Eating right. Working out.
    2. Sleep is awful even when I'm sleeping ... er, in bed tossing and turning. Working on scheduling a sleep clinic visit. Back to the CTAP for me I think.
    3. Had a strict cutting diet in my back pocket for the weight loss I made two years ago. It is a 28 day diet. It is 28 days of premade meals. I ordered it over the weekend. Have my last two social events for work tomorrow and Friday. Then I am on work social shenanigans lock down for 28 days to reset my physical system. I've already informed peers and senior management I'm on the water plan as far as social networking events. I've over indulged. Feeling terrible about myself in that department is contributing to everything else.
    4. I think I've written about a peer of mine at the office. My "work friend". She's a bit younger. My company acquired her firm 6 months before mine. We are on similar plans. We grab dinner or drinks about once a month. She's beautiful and smart and would be a great catch but though we click sparks don't fly between us. We went out Monday night. She's not the one. But there is a woman out here similar to her who I'll meet and click with ... I have to be patient ... the trifecta of terrible schedule, feeling awful about myself physically and then doing broadcast marketing on the dating sites was poison.

    Working the poison out of my system will make it easier to be the clean man of integrity I want to be.

    RD
     

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