Trying to be better

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by nomoreaddiction86, Aug 2, 2018.

  1. nomoreaddiction86

    nomoreaddiction86 New Member

    This struggle is exhausting. Who could have thought that one of the biggest trials we as individuals face in this generation is combating an addiction with its foundations in a virtual world. It's the virus of accepted insanity and I've been infected and dealing with the consequences for 19 years.

    65% of my life and over two thirds of my daily experience as a human being, living this one life, the only life I'll have has been spent subjugated and enslaved to something both socially acceptable and ubiquitous within society.

    I wan't to rid myself of this curse but keep coming back to my master. I don't know how to live without it. It's my comfort when I'm stressed, when things don't go my way during the day, could be something inconsequential in reflection or it can be something challenging. No matter what, my crux and my reassurance is found in pmo.

    It's a depressing reality and it's a reality experienced since my first year as a teenager. Now I'm in my 30's I know I've spent less than 10% of all my subsequent days since I first witnessed p wasting time watching something that doesn't exist in reality.

    Knowing that I've spent more time pmo'ing than bettering my life has caused all kinds of psychological problems. There's the practical life problems; procrastinating incessantly, wasting opportunities, not learning how to deal with stress.

    There's the relationship problems it's caused; desiring other women when I have a perfectly wonderful and supportive girlfriend, the seeking out of prostitutes to fulfil a desire that was manufactured and unnecessary, the bitterness and anger shown to friends, girlfriends, family; all resulting from guilt, shame, depression from the waste of time, money and energy, its source being pmo.

    There's the spiritual and emotional problems: The way I see myself in this world. Defeated, downcast, depressed, desolate as a result from my addiction.

    Then there's the economic problems as a result of all the above.

    But what am I supposed to do? I need to change. Before, I thought if I got to 25 or 28 or 30 and was still an addict then the situation would be hopeless. Now my mentality is that this is a life struggle. It's a demonic shadow over my life and in this life, perhaps my greatest battle before I die is becoming totally, undeniably free from its clutches and demands.

    So, if I beat this during these years it will be a success, if I beat it in my 70's it will be a success. Success is walking in eventual and complete freedom during this life from pmo. The great difference is the sooner I lift the curse the healthier I'll be. In relationships, spiritually, psychologically, financially.

    Therefore this is a fighters diary with renewed motivation as I attempt to battle my disabler one more time.
     
  2. nomoreaddiction86

    nomoreaddiction86 New Member

    It's the third day since I last pmo'd and I can feel the usual signs of lapsing. I'm not overly stressed but I'm anxious. I have a busy afternoon today then a hectic two days to follow. I feel like I need reassurance and time to comfort. But I also realise how pathetic that is, and I want to remain resolute in the face of deceit. It's a crime against myself to continue in these behavioural patterns. If I do fall it's as if I was a big 33 year old baby needing a comfort blanket and pacifier. It's fucking ridiculous and I know I must break the cycle.

    Each time I've decided to attempt to try I get drawn back to old habits through these ways usually. As this diary is a way for me to understand my mind better, to increase my consciousness to provide fertile soil for growth I'll list them here.

    1. Stress. P is a drug. It's a readily available drug that costs practically nothing and provides a hit of dopamine from within. Research has shown the p addiction is similar if not stronger to break than heroin addiction. So, when I'm stressed and having to deal with the realities of life, like a junkie, I'll revert to this easy high to escape my present. For most of my life this has been a daily hit, often first thing in the morning to blast my mind somewhere else and live in a fantasy realm for an hour to delay the inevitable struggle of daily life.

    The solution - be conscious of this habit, understand that it can only, and has only, made my life worse. Increases stress and like a fix of heroin is guaranteed to bring a down and withdrawal symptoms perpetuating the cycle. Freedom is required.

    2. Novelty. After a few days or slightly more of no pmo I'll be fascinated by the strength of my erection again, the increase in testosterone. Furthermore, a few days without p makes the poison appear almost novel, like a big bag of weed after a drought when I was 17. It's exciting, enticing and compelling. It's also defeating and empty. Like a hook on the end of the line I'll be caught and rolled back into my addiction.

    The solution - use the wisdom of my experiences to understand the signs, to not be naive anymore and to recognise that I am a man, and like a man testosterone and the energy coming from it is to be used positively in the tasks I need to to fulfil, to improve my life and lay the foundations for my future. I also need to daily remind myself that pmo is a mirage in the desert, what it promises it can never provide and can only leave my feeling empty.

    3. Women. Unsurprisingly, after days without pmo women become much more attractive. Both in their personality and physically. I'm also more confident and engaging and as a result interactions become how they were meant to be. Wonderful and natural. As a consequence I'll want to pmo after these reactions and fantasise about these women.

    4. Boredom.

    Solution - use the increased energy I have to start and complete already existing tasks. To shed my immaturity and focus on leading a successful life.

    Solution - self control, enjoyment of being human, not turn something good into something wasteful. I have a beautiful girlfriend and the sexual frustrations should be taken out (positively) on her.

    That's it for today.
     
  3. nomoreaddiction86

    nomoreaddiction86 New Member

    Six days have passed since my last post and I've relapsed three times. The first was out of boredom and anxiety. The second was because of stress at missing an important train I had to catch, which proved costly. That led in to the third time when I was still so stressed and tired from the day before. However, that means I've been pmo free for four days this week which is a success. For those four days I didn't automatically reach for my laptop and p when waking each morning, to see who's scenes had just been released. I didn't waste hours of those days searching for the perfect scene - which doesn't exist - and I refused to be dragged in and bound by my imagination. During those four days I experienced freedom, and it was good.

    This 'escape for freedom' attempt I've begun is coinciding with quitting smoking. I'm going to try and rid myself of the toxins from tar and nicotine in my body, and the poisonous residue of p's memory within my mind. The only way I'll be able to achieve both will be to flood my body with endorphins through exercise, and attain two periods of guaranteed calmness and tranquility during the day with meditation. I have to rebuild the neural pathways in my mind, and build a stronger body, and one that experiences less stress, and when stress does arrive, I'll have the tools to respond to it positively without resorting to pmo.

    I'm also going to be realistic and focus on massively cutting down on pmo. This first week, I've had four successful free days. If you offered me that for the next chapter of my life I'd bite your hand off for it. I don't believe that's poverty of low expectations, on the contrary, that would be great progress from seven days a week of addiction, and on the majority of those days 2 or 3 relapses. (I'll now call relapses just that, and not falls or failures.)

    That being said, of course I want complete freedom. I'd never want to pmo again if I had the choice, if it was as simple as flicking a switch. But for now, massively cutting down, focussing on improving my life and becoming more productive and having the majority of days I exist pmo free is the goal. I'd hazard a guess to say that since I was 13 years old I'd have an average of 40 days free of pmo each year. If I can get that up to 300 or so, then my life will have been massively improved, and I'll be the better for it.

    There's also a great motivation to go pmo free, and that's the improvement to my health, to my mind, and to my voice as a result of abstinence of pmo. I've got a very deep voice and after numerous strangers approaching me and telling me I should do voice over work I'm going to give it a try. It's also from my prior experience that I know my voice becomes clearer, deeper, and more authoritative and confident even after 6 or 7 days of no pmo. That's what I've got to aim for, for now, and bask in the future benefits that'll travel my way.
     
  4. nomoreaddiction86

    nomoreaddiction86 New Member

    So I've relapsed. I'm determined to continue writing my diary on here and not getting overwhelmed with guilt and frustration that I stop noting down my thoughts.

    I relapsed today for a few reasons. Firstly, I had had a very productive day and it seemed like a reward for me. Secondly, I'm with a girlfriend who I'm not sure I want to be with anymore, I'm not sure I find her attractive and therefore I don't know what the fuck to do. She has become so ingrained in my life and knows my family so well now, and is dreaming of a future with me, but I don't really want to be with her anymore. It's such a shame, I wish life was easier and I did wan't a future with her.

    I just don't want to fuck her anymore, but do other women, but I'm trying to work out how things can end, without tearing her apart. This is causing great stress, and I thought if I watched some p it would put me in the mood, unfortunately and probably predictably I couldn't stop watching once I had started.

    The third reason is I have some eye problems, again, this caused me stress today. These three things worked together and I wanted to escape for a while.

    The problem is that I now feel worse. I feel that my blood pressure has increased, I feel slightly dejected and depressed and I've lost my calmness that I carried about with me earlier today. I feel hungover and on a comedown.

    I have to try and remember this feeling, and convince myself pmo is never worth it, and remember this precise moment and talk to myself in the future of what this particular moment and the other times eventually and always end up feeling like.

    To make myself feel immediately better I'm now going to pray, meditate and then go for a run. I don't want to continue feeling down so I will take immediate and what I know to effective measures to better my mood right now.
     
  5. nomoreaddiction86

    nomoreaddiction86 New Member

    It's been 5 days of intense p use, fantasy and defeat. I was given 7 weeks to change my life, 7 weeks to finish 9 outstanding projects that I absolutely need to finish in order to move on with my life, and I've done next to nothing in week one. I've wasted 14% of the time I have available to me and it hurts. I now feel stupid.

    The pornography has numbed my brain, deadened my creativity, and left me feeling a shell of a man. The time I had was meant to be used wisely, and I sit here reviewing this last week as a 32 year old knowing that I've spent much of my time returning to my vomit. Fantasising about girls I'm never going to meet, would never really want a proper relationship with, and know from thousands of experiences that it's all for nothing. That pornography is a thief. It takes my energy - or I allow it too - and gives me nothing in return. It's utter waste, and I know this more than anyone, yet for some unfathomable reason find it almost impossible to resist.

    I'll have my daily plans, know the steps I must take to have a productive day, and yet I won't be able to get rid of the nagging demon within that will tell me procrastinating over images of naked women is the best way to spend my time. It's hideously foolish and yet is my reality.

    I'm a desperate broken man, and I don't know what to do.
     
  6. nomoreaddiction86

    nomoreaddiction86 New Member

    My mind was full of negativity last night. Another day had come and gone, and it was yet one more day in which I had squandered opportunities, chasing the escaping rush of pmo for hours, leaving me unsatisfied and full of self-hated as I turned my back on the day and went to bed.

    Who owns me, and who controls my decisions? Why can't I accomplish the daily tasks I need to do, and instead waste my life in an addiction to pornography?

    I'm not religious, and have a complicated relationship to Christianity. I haven't been to church for years and have little intention going for myself anytime soon. Yet there's a bible passage I've been meditating over this morning that has really stuck a cord. It's this:

    "For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate."

    This passage characterises addiction very well I think. I'm 33, I've wasted so many wonderful opportunities in my life. With beautiful girlfriends, going back throughout my education, to jobs and decent money I could have earned, and in many other ways. The thousands upon thousands of hours I could have used to improve myself, to date, to read and develop my intellect, confidence and mind, were not used. Instead, I spent those hours doing the very thing I hated, which is watching pornography and masturbating.

    I hate pmo so much that if God gives me the choice saying: "I could remove your pmo addiction in an instant to never return, and you will spend the next 20 years of your life productively, but then will die" - I would take that option. I would knowingly take a decision to die early rather than risk living until my 80's and beyond being an addict to pornography. I'd probably even take just the next 10 years living in freedom to then die; such is my addiction, and such is my frustration with a daily existence spent doing the very thing I hate.

    But part of me hates Christianity for not helping me in this matter. That above verse is from Paul, the great evangelist who himself says he feels powerless in his life's race, facing the ever present pull of sin, and perhaps vice. Therefore what chance do we have? It's as if God bore us into this world half paralysed, and demands all of us to run the 100m sprint in under 10 seconds.

    I even hated my addiction to pornography so much, that after 3 years of pmo'ing at the age of 16, I took a knife to my arm and slashed myself with thin linear cuts 12 or so times. In bright light the scars were evident from a couple of feet away, so I got a big tattoo a year later to cover my scars. The tattoo was of a powerful beast, I gave one explanation to friends of why I had chosen that design. The truth was that this great powerful animal represented the strength I so desperately wanted and needed, but didn't yet and still to this day do not have.

    I just don't understand why Christianity explains our sin, and the sin of addiction, but despite praying, fasting, begging even, God to release us from our addictions, he doesn't do it, and leaves it to us to experience it in all of its grotesqueness and destruction, leaving us to gain the wisdom and power in our own strength to conquer. Or to otherwise remain conquered and wasted until the day we cannot go on.

    The addiction of pmo is so strong, so ubiquitous, so socially acceptable, so easy to find and consume, that God and Christianity do not have the answers in how to tackle and defeat it I feel. Congregations and many pastors are addicts, just like us here, and just like so many of the people in this world alive at this time.

    "For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate." Says Paul.

    That's a desperate message. A message of struggle that I refuse to tolerate throughout my life. I have to find a way. I'm determined to live starting with this day pmo free, then I will struggle again tomorrow.

    I need order and routine. I need the discipline of regularity. I have to start my day in prayer and meditation, make my bed, then write 2,000 words each day, on here and elsewhere. I have to do that every day I can for the rest of my life (barring weekends of course!).

    If I can start each day like this, then I will have been productive, I will have given myself a small victory against procrastination and pornography, and then I can hopefully take that success with me throughout the rest of the day.
     

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