trying this one more time - after years of failing...

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Bo Pleasant, Jul 13, 2017.

  1. Bo Pleasant

    Bo Pleasant New Member

    Hi fellow (no)fapsters, I am 37 and writing from germany. have been struggling with pmo as long as i can think. first time was probably when i was around 11 years old which was also one of the first times of having access to internet. so a good 26 years of solid addiction. realized i had a problem probably dating back 15 years. after therapy, 100s of failed attempts and one streak of 36 days inspired by forums like this i am back here devastated. total break down, zero energy, sadness and no hope left. this is a desperate try to go for it one more time. i realized sharing this with others helps me to stay motivated, so why not try it...

    to add some more info on me:

    -am having severe sleeping problems, getting worse and worse for years now, somehow think this is all connected
    -stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, have the feeling caffeine really speeds up the chance of me relapsing
    -have had realationships though not many, now single for more than 7 years, dont even remember how it is to honestly fall in love
    -used to be a sun child, which was liked by everyone, now lonely and difficult person

    starting day 0... here I come
  2. Bo Pleasant

    Bo Pleasant New Member

    wanted to add something IMPORTANT to my first words here.
    am pretty sure i am also heavily addicted to the internet. for years and years.
    picking the computer up first thing in the morning checking news, fapping, checking news again, then instagram and so on.
    makes me feel so empty and useless. hast to stop
    stopping pmo is a hustle by itself and feels like a task to huge for me. but i will add my second addiction on top of that. the internet. to make it even more difficult.
    seems like a fight i wont have a chance to win. each one of those addictions is huge and an impossible thing for me on its own.
    but I will try. what do i have to loose?
    I can die slowly or die fighting.

    so here are the rules to myself that i will obey from now. sharing this with you will hopefully help.
    the shame of giving up is larger in front of people - just my way to trick me into this

    1. no caffeine! agitates me, leads to pmo

    2. internet only when usage is connected with a work goal!
    - no recreational browsing
    - questioning myself -->is the internet search I have in mind really necessary? if not do not allow it
    - k9 blocking all pmo related sites (helps alot)
    - 15! mins max. of reading the news a day (dont have a tv)

    3. no pmo
    - no fantasizing
    - no edging / binging
    - no masturbation, when i get horny its usually not horniness for masturbation its horniness for porn
    - no masturbation, next to no pmo is essential for recovery, there is just NO other way, no exceptions, no way around. i tried it a hundred times, lost it every single time
    - if triggering pictures appear while surfing i will turn site of immediatly
    - if hot girls appear in real life i will not look or check them for their sexiness and go monk style.
    - no turning around after girls in the street

    -- for all 3 --> realizing the urge when it comes and riding it out/ accepting it / understanding what it is (its just a feeling, will go away after like some time (sometims / waiting for it to go away / actively avoiding triggers by not
    looking at trigger when it appears.

    4. structuring my day, everyday as first activity after breakfast. and follow through on the plan i made

    wow sounds like i am taking my life away from me, so sad... but i will try...
    Last edited: Jul 13, 2017
  3. Bo Pleasant

    Bo Pleasant New Member

    ah man screwed up on day 4. ride was going surprinsingly smooth so far. but have to say that i stopped coffee for more than a week. the effect was mellow mood and a super pleasant calm feeling, pmo urges definitly a lot better to handle like this! so hooked on coffee and porn. even though i just had an average of 2 cups a day for as long as i can think but i craved it so badly today. had some stress at work that made me kind of anxious and feel sad. my brain than triggered me into the idea of giving me a break from all of this. so i bought a cup, got euphoric and immdiatly had a strong urge to fap. and did...

    NO COFFEE for me is a good way to stay calm and keep a cool head when it comes to pmo, sounds strange but its really like that. makes so much of a difference.
    depriving me from all the other arrousals as mentioned in my rules list really really helped me. felt how after 3 days me brain started to search for other ways to get its dose...
    somehow bought a lot of sweets which i never do. it helped to satisfy my brain for some time. but how dumb is that?! need to keep on depriving my brain from the dopamin stimulus. seems to be the key to reboot, but you really start getting funny thought. me=little psycho!

    starting over again

    day 0

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