Too Late to the Party?

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Saville, May 15, 2016.

  1. Squire

    Squire Well-Known Member

    How are you doing buddy Saville? You do such powerful work mentoring everyone else. I wonder sometimes, do you get what you need at YBR? What do you find most helpful from others? I wonder too if you ever relapse or have really down days and feel you can't write about it because you think it would let others down? Sometimes we put people on a pedestal and then it might feel to them they are not allowed to be human.

    Just wanted to touch base with you, to tell you that you are important to me. No one has helped me in my recovery more than you. No one. I will always be grateful for you and the things you have taught here. And if you have any weaknesses or failures, that would not diminish my regard for you or sense that you have worthwhile things to share and are an excellent model to follow.

    You are probably just busy with summer stuff. But everybody needs some encouragement and to know they are loved and appreciated from time to time, even on good days. Thank you my friend and I hope your day is the best today. :)
     
    Libertad likes this.
  2. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Bobo, TheScriabin, Dig Deep, Guy, and Libertad for writing on my journal. You guys rock!

    I'm doing well! As trite as it sounds, and I've said it many times here, I get more than I give. This is why I harp on people to be active in their journals and in the journals of others. It's wonderful when we can see our "good works" reach fruition, in a sense, but the real gold is what we give ourselves. I do care about everyone here, but I remind myself that I'm here for me. We have all been the spring board for everyone else and so, I believe, that true healing comes when we give ourselves permission to experience selfishness. I found there is no danger, only benefit, in being self-centered, because by nature we are good people and tend to want the best for others. We are rather too developed in giving, as NMMNG highlights.

    I have not relapsed to PMO even once since finding this site. It is not because I had more strength than others, but simply put: it was my time. I did struggle mightily at the beginning; the old demons never really go away. However, I embraced my new religion, the religion of no PMO/MO. With single mindedness I've made this my only quest. Instead of 50 places to put my attention I have only one. I'm a prisoner with a spoon and I'm digging out. Amazing things happen as we tunnel our way out, but the method to the outside remains the same: dig and keep digging.

    I have relapsed to MO, not frequently, but it's happened. I have always written about it here so as to be accountable. I have MO'd once since the middle of February, and I hope never to do so again. Giving in to PMO or MO is defeat, pure and simple. At this stage of my journey I simply can not allow that this behavior has any use or cut myself slack for being human. If I cave it's because I want to cave. As I wrote before, the old wiring will always be there, like the aluminum house wiring of years past. You don't remove old wires, you simply cut them from their power source.

    Yes, I have down days. But, that's what cold showers are for. It is so easy to slide into the "poor me" mode, I did it all my life. It's why I seldom tolerate others demonstrating that type of thing on this forum. We all hate in others what we see in ourselves. Plus, I know, without a doubt, that we can change the narrative at any moment. I absolutely have the power to feel good. I might be tired because of a bad sleep, or work responsibilities seem heavy, but those are just excuses. I tell myself, almost every day: today is a great day. I smile and breathe in three times, just like Thich Nhat Hahn has recommended. My tiredness, my ennui, are a challenge to be better. For a long time we had only one tool in our tool box: PMO. Now, I have a few different tools. Cold showers, moving slowly, not thinking too much, turning thought into action, even if that is moving a plate into the dishwasher, walking with no purpose, and finding what joy I can in the mundane.

    I don't feel like I'm on any pedestal, though I'm definitely clawing myself to higher ground. I am still afraid to fail, but not in the realm of PMO. I've even given myself permission to watch it. I tell myself "you know that is a demon, you know you turned to that at the worst point in your life, so go ahead and go there if you'd rather forgo living a life of value"....or words to that effect.

    Thank you, Squire.

    I'm not that busy, or no busier than usual. I come here and read posts, but I have times where I don't have much to say, where I'm more of a listener than a speaker. It means a lot that you were thinking of me and took the time to write the above. I'm smiling at your goodwill, my friend.

    We are a community of amazing men...we're just going to have to deal with it. :)
     
    dig deep, Libertad and Squire like this.
  3. Squire

    Squire Well-Known Member

    Saville, I'm gushing now, but when I log on to YBR, what makes me happiest is to see that there is a "like" or a post from you. I feel like you are the brother/mentor I never had. You're not old enough to be a dad to me. But big brother, yes. I don't want to pick out curtains with you or anything. But if I were going to sit quietly on a lake fishing you'd be the guy I'd want to do it with. Thanks man. Truly.
     
    Bobo and Saville like this.
  4. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member

    Pick out curtains? :p:p:D Holy shit ! Uh ......know about any sales ?:confused::cool:
     
    Squire likes this.
  5. Squire

    Squire Well-Known Member

    I don't want to pick out curtains with him. I could pick them out for him though. Yes. It's true. I do know a thing or two about interior design.

    Sigh. Clearly I have no man card left. I didn't just cash it in. I shredded it into confetti, threw it into the air, and made jazz hands. :oops:
     
    Saville likes this.
  6. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member

    :DNon-stop Hahaha ha! :p:p:p:p
     
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  7. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member

    Youre gonna be alright. Everyone roots for you ,and if they dont the he'll with them. Keep moving along dude ! :D:D:D:D
     
    Saville and Squire like this.
  8. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    I hope I´m not interrupting something here. A real promance going on. Keep it going. It makes this journey even more fun.:)
     
    Squire and Saville like this.
  9. madman

    madman Member

    You teach transparency with your examples, Saville. Love it !
     
    Squire and Saville like this.
  10. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member

    You have a man card. Speaking the TRUTH does not have anything to do with man cards. As a matter of fact manliness is about speaking the truth.
     
    Squire likes this.

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