To Delight in Fear and Realise Reality

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by HeyRevolver, Jul 3, 2017.

  1. HeyRevolver

    HeyRevolver Active Member

    The undeniable truth, without a taste, there's no knowing. You're a diamond FCJ!

    Checking-in today, it's been rather uneventful. Brain fog, believe it or not still unveils itself, the dark cloud is yet to disperse. However, at least my thinking process today far outweighs whatever low it was at in the past. Mind you I'm noticing the longer this goes on that I've been comatose for my entire life until now.

    History has informed me that somewhere past 60 days things pick up on the brain fog front, please note I always thought the longer time was the binge sessions. As my affirmation mentions 'only for today' so the next few weeks will happen on their own terms.

    In a related point I'm realising that so much of our mental energy is spent on trying to control and anticipate the uncontrollable. Whether it's other people's perceptions of us, our fortunes, our schedules even. Also so much of what we consume feeds this desire, especially those mislabelled 'social networks'. Facebook's motto is 'connecting people', quite the antithesis. I've read studies linking the fb newsfeed with depression as people compare themselves.

    If those who are depressed knew that those others supposedly leading 'attractive' lives are also trying to control their image, both parties' self-image would improve. FB, twitter, instagram etc are practically PR platforms for the lay man/woman. An ego trip and then a steep crash into reality, not so different to pmo then?

    I recently got back into fb this week. I hadn't used it since maybe 2010. My reason for taking the plunge? So many friends I've made over the years I'm losing contact with so the circumstances sadly have forced my hand. When using fb I get a strong nostalgia for msn, I think the memories I have on msn were just pure bliss man. I came back to fb and immediately notice 'walls' are now called 'timelines', people share 'vine' videos and no longer really posts.

    Also practically everyone but a handful, hide their friends list. Those that don't insist on showing they have 1,200 friends+ it's playing a role, putting up an image. And we wonder why we have idiot leaders saying 'build a wall' or all this brexit talk we have in the eu. If you like, all this nastiness we see clearly in people like Trump or Theresa May (if you're here in GB) but when it comes to us, naaaah man we're angels, can't do no wrong. Then we go home watch our shows, eat for 3, drink for 6, watch plenty porn and expect an olympic gold.

    We are the microcosm of what we think is wrong in the world, attacking others seems like the cowards way out now. I reflected on this today when my brother and I were attending a religious function. As me and my bro head back to the car, he criticises this 'one thing' the speaker said about gay marriage.

    The speaker's message was that he found it strange people are getting offended about this issue as one of many examples, so concerned about wealth status etc when so many are suffering the world over. The gist of his message was life is a test, get your head down, study, then focus on your paper else you'll waste time and fail the test.

    I happened to wholeheartedly agree with the speaker, he was right on with this point. When my brother tried to decontextualise that comment as a ringing endorsement, I took him to task. I asked him why he was so sure that he could guess someone's intention? I told him he actually exemplified the kind of people the speaker mentioned who are so assuming of others; their self-righteousness made them forget themselves. He did I'm happy to say, later consider it more thoughtfully.

    and to not judge my brother, I've done this. It was part of my socialisation at home and yes at school and about. It's a very human thing as a virus that reappears in different forms like the common cold.

    I don't call myself 'religious' or 'nationalist' as I see it as a complex and unnecessary. I try not to espouse views that are steeped in fanfare and passion. I might speak about such themes at times, but only in the context of my own life.

    Just for today and only today, I'll fight to remember that my problems are opportunities and my judgments, reflections of myself.

  2. fcjl8

    fcjl8 The only path for me

    Peace be with you brother!

    Just reading over your last entry. Those points regarding how we as a society as individuals tend to manipulate and control what is seen on FB or other social media... yes. And we all tend to do this in our "real lives" as well. I have dropped all masks and pretenses... my walk in my Faith has changed me in terms of authenticity... it is not easy but I can now take down all the false persona I had created for public consumption. However, I still fall into the "comparison" trap. Comparing my self assessed level of success/failure to those I see around me... very unhealthy habit. Very false as we can not ever know the truth behind anothers facade.
  3. HeyRevolver

    HeyRevolver Active Member

    Simply through this awareness will we overcome. Masks are worn by actors, Shakespeare was on point even back then 'all the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players. They have their exits and their entrances and one man in his time plays many parts'.
    Billy B. likes this.
  4. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    Black Mirrors! o_O
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  5. HeyRevolver

    HeyRevolver Active Member

    The past couple of days, memories been on the advance I would say, certain moments of old I'm recalling.

    My being pescatarian took a hit on saturday on a take-out, I had my Brother order on my behalf and though he tells me he ordered fish burger, the return was chicken. I'm doing this over. I'm super content with my 6 days on that front, the sincerity was definitely there. Concurrently, I've noticed how big meat is in many cultures. Like seriously we've been carnivore whores or 'meat-challenged' if you prefer the politically correct term. Massive respect to any vegetarian, trying to be abstinent in this society, felt in some ways similar to trying to keep porn-free in a sex-crazed society. The snipers are everywhere!! :eek:

    Some days I did get this really strong pinch of 'why am I quitting lamb', I love me some of that. The evil whispers in the brain was like 'forget this jazz, let's get a banquet and have a fine munch'. It was a nice sparring session, I beat him for 6 days out of 7, then I excused myself for a day.

    Going for a month pescatarian again, if the urge re-emerges, I'm calling in Arnie. He will say this:


    No wonder why these things (food and sex) get called 'carnal desires' or 'desires of the flesh', they really strike at the core of us, we're like predisposed to like meat. Meat- that of animals and the fairer sex.

    Then again I love discipline, (not in the kinky way) but in the way that it can sharpen our self-esteem. I might call my meat addict 'Sully' just so I can picture dropping him like my boy Arnie did.

    The only side-effect of this week has been the odd heavy moments of fog. The mornings are always brill, after a good nights sleep. It's the late-afternoon to late evening thats been giving me grief. The right side of my brain feels seized, like a hand is squeezing it. As the day goes it seems to spread. The next morning it seems to fade and return. At it's worst I feel restless and quite subdued, in some moments it feels like day 1 no pmo.

    I try to use these moments as a reminder of what did this to me, those syringes of pmo binges. I'm still quite peeved at myself for that lifestyle I lived, it was a total disrespect of the gift of having an able, functioning body.

    The recent variable I've isolated in relation to last week's brain fog is coffee. I find 1-2 cups are perfect doses, dare I say more effective than no coffee at all. Any more can cause me a right stirring. I'm quitting all caffeine for a month.

    In fairness, I had a system that I ruptured at the beginning of July where one day a week I'd indulge coffee. Coffee actually felt like a luxury, and I can't downplay how much I loved that set-up. Coffee for me, was like puffing on a cuban cigar, like so:


    Thanks for that Ben!

    My replacement for coffee that I started this morning was whipping up some fruits and blending them. This morning, I made strawberries, cherries, some banana slices and mint leaves. As a lover of Moroccan mint tea, there's something about mint that makes me float and drift.

    In the first instance mint is highly aromatic but it's like its loaded with MEGA 'chilled out' vibes that just crawl up and envelop me. Boys, I want to Make Coffee Great Again to have it work around my reboot.

    It's not a permanent fix, I didn't quit porn and just decide to become an ascetic. Nor would I desire that. Upon closer observance I have to admit that everything stated is linked. How? Well during the binge days, I'd feel drained (as you would) and if there was a task or an outing I had to tend to, I would load up on coffee. I want to isolate caffeine completely from pmo as a 'pick-me-up' drug to a nice reward. A nice reward used maturely.

    and so begins...

    Day 1- Pescatarian, No Caffeine
    Billy B. likes this.
  6. fcjl8

    fcjl8 The only path for me

    Hey Revolver,

    Weird timing you have ditched coffee just as I am drinking my first morning coffee in months... I used to drink 3-4 per day, then weened to 2, then went completely off coffee as part of my battle against anxiety. Thought I would have one this morning.
  7. HeyRevolver

    HeyRevolver Active Member

    1-2 cups is perfect, 4+ would give anyone the jitters. Enjoy your cuppa FCJ :D In my case, it wasn't so much just caffeine abuse but using it to supplement ill effects of a binge.

  8. HeyRevolver

    HeyRevolver Active Member

    Day 2- Pescatarian, no caffeine.

    Brain fog remains quite intense, some periods in the day are bliss, the other, pure agony and anguish. I thought this reboot was non-linear across days, but within days, perhaps worse. Today's exemplified that. I'm a flower child, not into this sulking business, but I'll be on the mend in the coming weeks I hope.

    I really want to get a serious meditation schedule going again, would love to know how people feel it has helped them. Peace and Love, especially in those times you feel it fading. Always, always, aaaaaalllll waaaaayyss!

    Just for today, I'm going to be free today, and I'm going to embrace the day, the good and the bad.
    Last edited: Jul 18, 2017 at 6:41 PM
    Billy B. likes this.
  9. fcjl8

    fcjl8 The only path for me

    Hope this coffee fast works wonders for you! I had coffee today at 1pm with a friend... helped pick me up. But, I am watching for anxiety.

    You are contributing so much to many of us here. Thanks
  10. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    I don't meditate, per se, but I do slow myself down, which is what I call "walking meditation." I consciously work more slowly, and as I work I tell my mind to calm, to attend to the work at hand. At the beginning of my reboot this worked like magic.
    Billy B. likes this.
  11. HeyRevolver

    HeyRevolver Active Member

    Respect FCJ, I believe so too. I noticed at a dinner today my thumb was twitching involuntarily, I pointed it out to my bro so he could chuckle too. The withdrawals seem to have started today. If you keep it at a complementary level to the demands of your lifestyle, you're all good brother.

    I'm a student forever, each day is a great lesson.
  12. HeyRevolver

    HeyRevolver Active Member

    Thank you for this Saville, I do something similar just before I sleep and just before I get up, just deep breathing. When you consider those times were spent purely in fantasy, it's a welcomed change. From tomorrow I'm looking to return to a mindfulness repertoire, 30 mins will be the eventual plan.

    You mentioned on FCJ's journal, something interesting about mommy issues and pmo. If you would expand further here, I know it would greatly help me on my own inspection. The parental home dimension is one of a few angles I've been looking over in my personal recovery story.
    Billy B. likes this.
  13. HeyRevolver

    HeyRevolver Active Member

    Today was my sister's graduation, the early morning preceding it was her resolving not to attend the event. Certain people had upset her, and my Brother and I were stern and firm that we'd make her attend. She worked hard, achieved really well and we knew she'd regret it otherwise. By the time it was to wake up, we saw, by the time she slept and woke up, she'd have a change of heart. By the day's end she was so thankful she went.

    We met her 2 friends, and a principal who helped pave the way for her whom she spent like 4 years in search of. He drove cross-country to be there, and he was a top man, and I' ve no doubt his presence was a big deal, he's almost like a father figure to my sis.

    She found out the day before he'd attend. She received presents, recognition and celebration, and it was nice to see how much she was celebrating. It's an honour to be present.

    How the day went

    I met my sis' 2 friends, both beautiful not in the 'hot' way, but I was really intoxicated in their aura. Her one friend, we walked close side by side to the degree we were brushing hands a lot. We discussed similar likes and interests, and playfully teased of our disinterests.

    I've just come to realise, I really dig these intellectual sorts. There's a great deal of substance and depth to them that I'm only now appreciating.

    Good girls, come in colourful layers. The sad reality of pmo was that I would espouse it's superficiality. Anyone else see a group of girls and decide, I'm not going to talk to anyone that's not hot? I'm sure you know it. The girls I saw today, one might have worn eye-liner and the other no make-up. I found them both beautiful, but the latter's no make-up approach was really authentic to me. I'm not smitten. I'm just sharpening rewiring on the fundamental level of eye contact, establishing rapport, empathy, those things I took for granted.

    I was by no means on game but somehow many jokes happened, despite the brain fog. I had to work with it and not against. Part of this journey sometimes feels too much like waiting for the fog to lift. When it lifts, we're all of a sudden capable? No, it's all a process. We build up, do the work, it's sad the story of my life until now has been 'waiting for favourable circumstances'. So waiting till x day, until 'the wires start working', that's no longer acceptable thinking for me. I have to endure to know it's worth it, If I've learned anything it's that I've taken so much for granted. I had a friend who'd say 'happy birthday' by congratulating his friends 'on getting a year closer to death', his words aren't so ironic.

    In terms of brain fog I had improved today, I have an intense game of b-ball tomorrow morning at the park. I'm looking forward to feeling numb at the end, but all that playing in between will help build up endurance. How is the sober life much different?

    Peace and Love my dudes.

    Only for today, I'll be here today, and I will be present, not an observer.
    Last edited: Jul 19, 2017 at 6:30 PM
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  14. HeyRevolver

    HeyRevolver Active Member

    As it turns, today's post I virtually copied and pasted, as I mentioned so much of it on 40s journal today.

    This morning was interesting, I dreamed of some scenes. TRIGGER ALERT it was some pretty 'hardcore' thrusting, I came across on some guys fb during the dream. Thing is, it was a guy who I knew years ago, and I don't even have as a friend on fb. Mind you, I've never even known someone post a p video on their timeline or fb page, but for some reason this guy did. I think the 'shock value' of porn is still unwinding out of my brain. I wasn't m'ing in the dream, so the p-mo connection you spoke on, I feel is fading.

    The thing is 40, I say 'hardcore', although it was a very vanilla porn scene. I feel part of me was a bit overcome by the intensity of it all, having not viewed p in almost 60 days. Interestingly, and this at least, I feel was the promising part. I was focusing on the girls' face, their mouth, sentiments of euphoria. END TRIGGER

    In yesterdays entry of my journal I wrote about very simple rewiring I had with my sister's mates. The focus was on one girl, it was nothing sexual at all. Just hands brushing a lot, as we kept walking close. Sharing in laughter, flirting plenty and a lot of focus on eye contact, some small touches in between. After I left, I was thinking about her. There was not even an iota of sexual fantasy, she dressed elegant but discernibly modest. Her aura's very innocent, and I read that.

    I just thought of 'flowery' things, you can say. Like her smile, hazel eyes, dimple, and as it was boiling that day I remember a few small specs of sweat on her nose. I actually found that endearing. Yikes, I might be becoming a chick now.

    I think the above simple recollection, might have triggered today's dream. In any case, I'm quite certain I'd have been heading for a WD but my brother stormed through the room, to remind me of a basketball game we had. Now that might have explained today's morning glory. I have to feel grateful he woke me up, if not I'd have wd'd, energy depleted and no doubt lost a game.

    I want to just add, the basketball game was pretty intense. We were winning by 10 pts, they kept getting 3's to make comebacks. I was somehow the most offensive player that day with the most points in the game. Luckily, I performed during the game, if you saw how awful I was in the warm-up basket shots, you'd have never guessed. Occasions force us to perform. I've noted my fitness is not even close to where I want it to be, and I really need a more consistent exercise program to improve it.

    Day 4- Pescatarian, No caffeine

    Feeling better in regards to the fog. I put it down partly to no caffeine. I did slowly drift into making it excessive at one point. I have some moments where tiredness kicks in, I haven't yawned as much as I did yesterday. Yesterday at a dinner event, there was a total meat conspiracy going on. I saw lamb, chicken, maybe beef and absolutely no fish. I resolved just to eat the rice, the restaurant I know does good lamb.

    However, I'm taking time off meat, it's not a moral reason yet, just a lifestyle change. I don't feel I'm depriving myself, just sharpening my discipline, which if you judge my pmo, caffeine binge career is still in need of development.

    Just for today, I'll be here today and I will experience all the moments of today.
    Billy B. likes this.
  15. HeyRevolver

    HeyRevolver Active Member

    Day 5- Pescatarian, No caffeine

    This arrangement so fars been good to me. I feel the caffeine withdrawal a bit more, I mean I kept catching my thoughts telling me to boil the kettle. I just thought to myself the days when I first had coffee and would say it tasted disgusting. In a subtle sense, how disgust/ outrage turns into excitement and anticipation reminds me of pmo. I think the first time one pmos, if we're being honest, it's an altitude high, but all those times after is just you trying to recreate the first high.

    The odd benefit is I feel fog has reduced to mist on some days. However, I'm noticing that my sleeping schedule is deeply interrupted, I slept at 6 am to wake up at 1pm. I know with caffeine it needs at least 2 weeks, then the body will adjust.

    I feel as the days pass, the remorse about my pmo use is getting stronger. I've been viewing women in a completely different way. It's a very welcomed development. I put this down completely on the no fantasy approach. There are the odd few moments, I've thought about two ladies in particular but it's not fantasy as we know it. Nothing sexual at all, actually its always from the neck up. I'm noticing eye colour, teeth and general aura, oddly I feel connection, no lust. I put this down to fantasy working solely due to detachment, us not knowing anything about the actresses involved. It's difficult to objectify people you know more intimately. Equally, easy to objectify strangers; people we find strange are always the ones exploited whether immigrants, refugees, culturally, linguistically, religiously etc.

    I'm out for today.

    Peace and Love Gents.
  16. fcjl8

    fcjl8 The only path for me

    It is wonderful that you are seeing the true beauty in women. Lust really skews our vision of those around us. The stream of women we have looked at and lusted after through PMO really messes us up for what real beauty is. Objectification of people is part of what is causing so much pain and suffering on our planet right now. It makes it easy to place us in categories to be hated and or feared. It is the opposite of love as objectification tends to come from a place of fear.

    You are moving so far young man. I am so happy for you. I am happy for myself as well , that I get to witness your progress and walk this path together. I think I am also happy with my progress at my young age... I really mean it. What is age? I can be young and free this time around. Break the chains brother!

    You are loved!
  17. HeyRevolver

    HeyRevolver Active Member

    Brother this is what it's all about. You know that innocence that got snatched from us as children? From our childhood afflictions. What we're in essence doing is gaining all that back. I believe your recent post on your journal is a testimony to this, it only requires a bit of reading between the lines ;) Every time I think you write something incredible, you go and surprise me, yet. Never change FCJL8, you're a champion and I'm walking in your footsteps.
  18. HeyRevolver

    HeyRevolver Active Member

    "There are decades where nothing happens, and there are weeks where decades happens" - Lenin

    I'm going to go for a late night run. Exercise is a tradition that's been lost on me. Why? In relation to the above quote, the first half of it really applies to me. I had enjoyed beautiful days of highs from around days 35-46. However I've gone into flatline and so i feel like I'm in the territory 'where nothing happens', flatline and all. I'm exercising to prepare myself for 'weeks where decades happen'. Of course, sitting idle is part of why I've shot myself in the foot a big part of my life.

    I'm not feeling amazing, but I'm not willing to accept that. To accept that approach of waiting for time, for an opportunity. I have to be proactive. The days of coup de grace have been exhausted.

    Saturday I'll have to rise early morning for yet another game of basketball. I ended up inviting my eldest Brother's, youngest brother in law, whose from abroad. Thing is he is 12 and from a huge family, where I get the distinct impression, he's blissfully forgotten by his family. I see myself in him, but I believe his spirit is incredible for his age, and the depth of what I know about him. I was a bit annoyed when my eldest brother when I visited him today said some nonsense with regards to his brother-in-law and me 'not letting him down'. Very rich, considering this was a role he played. Not to mention his brother-in-law and me get along famously, the camaraderie and how open he is with me is beautiful. I often wish my eldest brother by some miracle, could stop the 'divide and rule' he's been basing his life on.

    My inviting him, kind of peeved my other Brother who threatened not to come. I can't satisfy everyone. And I don't want to break such a person's heart. He came here to meet us on his school holidays for the first time, and to ignore someone, the way I was by my siblings would kill me to the core. I have to show this younger man, what FCJ's been writing of, that he's loved. I'm still really a novice at that, but I refuse to be some no-show.

    Anyways fellas, I'm off for a run. I definitely need to take more risks, and it'll start with a step.

    Good night

  19. fcjl8

    fcjl8 The only path for me

    Awesome young man. So happy that you are defaulting to Love.

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