time to kick

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by newleaf63, Oct 31, 2016.

  1. newleaf63

    newleaf63 Member

    hello rapha, thanks for your post.

    not much to say. day 4 and glad to say gone ok, keeping busy on the house, not to keep myself away from porn but rather to have a bit of brain and body exercise.

    rapha you ask if i have a strategy or recovery plan... the short answer is no i don't. when im feeling a little more positive i will get more involved in this forum (which has helped me immensely in the past), at the moment it is enough for me to be porn free.

    im sorry i dont feel like saying much at the moment, i know positivity and progress will return.

    i wish you all well on your journeys.
  2. 40New30

    40New30 Keep going

    It's important to lock away temptation when you know you might be alone for a long stretch of time. You can do that by not being alone (going to public places in the evening), or locking your computer and throwing away the key with porn blockers, both work. If you choose neither then you really have no plan and you're setting yourself up to fail.

    Positivity will return, it always does. It's keeping it that way that is the challenge.
  3. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    Posi-vibes to you, mate.

    You'll get there.

    What do they say? It's all about persistence, not about perfection.

    A slip is a slip is a blah, blah, blah. Great to see you picked up, dusted off and rolled on.

  4. Nofapado

    Nofapado Active Member

    Hey man, you didn't fail, you PMOed. That's not a failure, it's like eating too many potatoes chips, makes you feel like shit but it passes soon. Get up, get out, engage! Life is short, don't waste another minute on that junk. Life is precious. Take a long walk with your camera. Make art, pray, meditate, talk to your neighbor.
  5. newleaf63

    newleaf63 Member

    thank you for your support 40, billy and nafap.

    day 5, more diy tile stripping in our kitchen. feeling neither positive or negative. just a gnawing realisation of the importance of this journey.
  6. newleaf63

    newleaf63 Member

    day 7 begins. damn cold here in the uk but my little black heart is warming up again.
  7. Nofapado

    Nofapado Active Member

    You are moving toward the warmth of a better day. Great news!

    Happy you have returned to the forum.

    You helped me way back when and help me now.
  8. newleaf63

    newleaf63 Member

    day 9, moving along the road. feeling a little more positive each day.
  9. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Great news! 9 days is really good. Those positive feelings just keep getting better, my friend.
  10. Nofapado

    Nofapado Active Member

    Great news buddy, the wind is now at your back. Keep moving forward toward the light.
  11. newleaf63

    newleaf63 Member

    thank you saville and nofap.

    day 11, moving along fine. while my wife is around staying away from porn isnt a problem, its just when she goes away. i need to have a plan in place next time but thankfully it will be a while before she travels again.
  12. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    Great to see you truckin' along, Newleaf.

    I recommend brainstorming with us lot for ideas when it comes to your wife going away: we've got lots of ideas!

    11 days, and counting.... good job! :)
  13. Nofapado

    Nofapado Active Member

    By the time she travels you should have some momentum. In the meantime you need to know what positive behaviors you will engage when she's traveling.
    Billy B. likes this.
  14. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    Nofapdo speaks the truth.
  15. newleaf63

    newleaf63 Member

    day 13, all is going ok. still not feeling like contributing much but want to record my progress.
  16. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    Posi-vibes to ya, Bro. If you're feeling outa sorts, that's normal. When I'm feeling wobbly I try to remember that it's because I'm making such an important (and healthy) change in my life. Then I remind myself that it will not only pass, but be replaced by a greater sense of wellbeing, eventually. That makes it less painful, sometimes. We're with ya.
    Last edited: Dec 8, 2016
  17. newleaf63

    newleaf63 Member

    ive been reading several threads. id forgotten the insights they give us and the pointers they make to problems we all have.

    as i have mentioned before there have been many issues in my recent past which have added to my downward spiral. my father passed away in 2008, my mother in 2015, a woman i dated for 10 years committed suicide in 2014. my wife has had 3 miscarriages.

    porn has played a part in my life since my middle teens, sometimes to a great extent, sometimes a little but looking back it seems its always been something ive used to soften blows.

    sex between my wife and i is very very limited. because of me. i feel inadequate and since the above events sex has declined to the stage where it is very infrequent now. my wifes relationship history, before she met me was frequent but short term whilst mine was long term in almost every case. every now and then she will blow up and question why we dont have more sex and really i dont have any answers for her apart from since the loss of my parents i feel so sad. when my long term ex committed suicide i thought about our relationship and in reality it was very similar to the problems i am facing now, infrequent sex, her frustration at my inaction led her to finish the relationship, which i agreed was the best thing to do. i had feelings at the time of her suicide that my wifes and my problem would go the same way. which scared me.

    it is very difficult to explain just how my parents passing has affected me to her. her parents are still alive and, as i found out when it happened to me, you cannot imagine life without them until you are faced with the daily thoughts of them not being there to guide you. unconditional love died with them and having no children to pass that onto means, at times, i feel desperately lonely.

    after my fathers passing i came to rely more and more on soft drugs. and of course porn. escapism? i dont know. all i thought at the time was that they helped to make my life seem manageable. i had a big binge while my wife was last away. and with that came a massive use of porn. i remember being on chatrooms and feeling desperately sad, whenever i clicked (mistakenly) on other mens cams to see a man staring back at me like a mirror reflection of how i felt. miserable and lost. knowing what lies we felt but unable to turn down the deceiving opportunity of feeling wanted, needed, desired. porn is big business and it works on a base level but its all a great big lie. the sad reality (after cuming) hits hard and pushes us further away from all that is important.

    i dont know any answers anymore. im sick of how easy it is to fall into our habits. habits of a lifetime. habits which lie to us and pretend they make us feel better about ourselves.

    im sad about the time i have wasted, but at those same times i have also been there for many people. did my very best by my parents and the parents of my ex at very difficult times.

    since the return of my wife i feel very let down by my actions while she was away. i really thought i could smoke some weed, be creative and get things sorted. of course i vegetated, smoked bags of weed and overdosed on porn. of course i know the answer but the anesthetic has a great pull.

    forgive my verbose post. my latest fall hit me hard because i really thought id turned a corner. of course its just a stepping stone. hopefully i will learn from it. but from where i am it doesnt feel like i will ever learn. we shall see.
    devnull likes this.
  18. newleaf63

    newleaf63 Member

    thanks devnull and billy, you posted whilst i was writing the above. your continued support means so much.
  19. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    No apology needed, mate, not at all. I think the subjects and considerations of your above post a good example of what Journals are for. At least in part.

    You've had a seriously rough trot, dude... wow! After all that grief and trouble you deserve some big-ups just for turnin' up here and working so hard to challenge and resolve your shit. I lifetime of shit! It's a massive undertaking but as you spend more and more time clean your head will clear and facing those challenges will feel much less daunting.

    I'm withya.

    I think I can speak for the rest of us safely and say: we're all withya.

    You are no longer alone in this struggle.

    Posi-vibes a-comin your way, Newleaf.
  20. newleaf63

    newleaf63 Member

    i first found this forum in early 2013. at the time i remember thinking id found the key to unlock the negativity and problems in my life. i thought all i had to do was quit porn and wanking and everything would be okay. i managed to complete nearly 100 days but relapsed. since then i had some long stretches without porn in my life but ive also had times where porn has completely taken over my life.

    i took a long time away from here. i got sick of my life moving in circles, of having weeks without porn followed by relapses accompanied with feeling shit about myself. i guess thats why i felt so disappointed with falling again shortly after returning here.
    this evening ive been looking through journals a few pages down from this opening page. quite a few names from the past cropped up, some success, some failures leaving behind the forum for different reasons.

    im really glad that there are as many supportive people around here as there used to be. each with the own new stories, their own new experiences. its wonderful to be back. its wonderful to read these new experiences that can only enrich our own journeys. whether you are on a long run or a short run matters not. each persons journey helps us along the path to finally losing the shackles we have chosen to hold ourselves down.

    it can be done there is evidence to prove it. just read. and what is so fabulous is the genuine positivity and life changing power that flows from the successful journals.

    its about time we allowed ourselves to be free.
    devnull likes this.

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