They Shall Soar on Wings Like Eagles

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by GreyHeron, Nov 6, 2013.

  1. Squire

    Squire Well-Known Member

    You describe your schedule as manic. Do you think that adding new activities would be energizing to you, or would they be an additional burden? Are there things you can remove from your schedule not only for a new activity or two, but for some solid rest? Some sleep, some staring at clouds or stars, some listening to music with your feet up, some petting a dog or something like that?
     
  2. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    This is important. There is a lot of emphasis on "doing" something, but sometimes just doing nothing is best, provided it is a different nothing than you're used to.
     
    Squire likes this.
  3. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Thanks Squire and Saville too,
    Very good question that, in all honesty I do wonder if my rage and resentment are symptomatic of the need to take time for rest. Another aspect of that is my tendency to spread myself thin being of service. I am reluctantly accepting my character might not be cut out to work that hard. I would much rather believe that my wife is lazy.
    First thing at work me head was spinning. Sometimes it feels like a physical battle to stop from lashing out at anything. But do not tell my boss a little later I was really productive.
     
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  4. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Just making the effort to post here before turning in for the night. The productivity at work has continued today. Part of what I have done today has been bigger than the parts that I tackled yesterday consequently the attrition rate was lower, this felt like it was a problem. I move on to a different part of the project next week and shall try to reflect this learning in how I approach that. This is amazing, looking at the spreadsheet I use to manage the validity of this work it is evident that I have been making very heavy work of the project and breaking it down so that I can sign off a task each hour or two has transformed my productivity.
    Leaving work for the weekend I was tempted to fall into a pit of introspection. I have scalded myself to snap out of it and I am trying to notice reasons for to be grateful that I am alive. I refuse to be the reason that others have a bad time over the weekend.

    Have a good time yourselves, may we meet again when we alight again.
     
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  5. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Hi, I wanted to read a little here then post and be gone before now. I am trying not to make coming here every day a big thing and I have blown it today.
    Click your fingers and I could fall asleep. I have spent much of today doing chores. I have had special time with both sons playing a board game. The younger one did say that he was glad that I had not got mad at the elder one for a long time, it is sad that he should even have that memory.
    I did try to engage the younger son in helping with the chores, but it does feel like he sets me back rather than leads me forward. I fear that if I had taken any longer to do the chores then the board game might not have happened. I enjoy his company but at the moment we work best when he has only a little input.
    I read another members journal before coming to my own and whilst there are parts of it that I gladly would let him keep I was envious for a couple of reasons. Perhaps those things are what I hope will be mine when this reboot becomes more established I try not to focus on what I hope for because I might get something different.
     
    Squire likes this.
  6. Squire

    Squire Well-Known Member

    What if the item on your to do list were to "bond with my son." The chores can be bonding time and they can take as long as it takes to do the bonding, just like in a work project you put in as much time as it takes to get it done right. If the board game doesn't happen, that's ok, as long as bonding is happening during the chores. I think developmentally the father needs to give the son a feeling of empowerment and confidence. Doing "work" with the father can at times help the child feel more grown up and trusted than playing a game.

    When I look back at my childhood, I have few memories of my parents playing with me, lots of memories of them running around the house and yard organizing things. And I know this is also what I do now with my children, because so often we repeat what has been modeled for us. So it is hard to change. So I want to stress that my advice is often theory and not necessarily something I have learned to practice consistently. I guess that makes me something of a hypocrite.
     
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  7. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Thank you Squire, I am going to try exploring my reaction to what you have written. I too remember my parents being busy about the house. I too remember my father taking the opportunity to teach me something which I did not realise that I wanted to know by engaging me in that busyness. My mum had a more successful, if less adventurous, approach. When I was older I resented them both for it in different ways. I am trying my mother's example on the eldest son which causes tension between myself and my wife. Back to the point, I feel guilty for what I call a work ethic in overdrive, I have to be busy like my father, whilst at the same time I experience guilt for not doing things with my sons.

    As I have alluded above my experience of being involved in jobs does not transfer into my current situation very well, I am still looking for the right way and I have probably burnt my bridges with the eldest one. We shall see, my time may come again. More pertinent is this I think some of the dreaded mood on a Friday is because of the lack of a structure to the weekend.
     
  8. Squire

    Squire Well-Known Member

    Ok, this is not just for you but for Squire. Note to self: a lot of activity can be a way of avoiding something. What am I avoiding when I stay too busy? Do I want to teach my kids to use that avoidance technique?

    Recently I asked my children each to do 1 chore a day. I gave them a list of possibilities but told them they could suggest other possibilities if they saw something else around the house they wanted to do. We also have a few more demanding chores, entirely optional, that we will pay them to do if they have the desire to earn some money. If they don't do them, I will do them or hire a neighborhood kid to do it. Getting our kids to do chores is solely a matter of teaching them some sense of responsibility, and not to be lazy, it's not really about getting things done in a quality way. If they mow the grass and leave some clumps sticking up, I don't sweat it, and I don't re-do it.

    As far as fun things go, sometimes the kids will take the lead and actually get us involved in something I wouldn't have thought of but that are actually fun for me too. My daughter has us volunteering at the humane society to play with cats now. It helps socialize the cats to humans so they are more adoptable pets. I may not have chosen to use my time that way normally, but it is kind of fun, I'm with my daughter, and I'm relaxing with animals. It can be mildly interesting to have our kids teach us something new. To teach us one of their computer games or to watch a movie they like, etc. Ok. It's often dull, truth be known. But one thing I've learned is that the kids grow very fast so if they ask me to do something with them today, there is a good chance they will not be interested in that thing after a few weeks, so I can't miss those opportunities. I worked out with my son a few weeks. Now he works out with his friends and doesn't ask me anymore. I didn't get in good shape, it was a waste of time as far as workouts go. But I'm glad I did it when he asked. The memories we are constructing, not just for them, but for ourselves, are immensely valuable.

    If I could time travel, I'd go back to when they were about 4 years old and sit on the floor for a day playing with them and eating chicken nuggets and reading bedtime stories while I rocked them to sleep. And if the house was a wreck at the end of the day, well that was a really good day, wasn't it? We certainly got our money's worth out of that house.

    With your eldest, you know the situation best, but I don't know that I'd write things off too quickly. I don't know how old he is, but if he is resistant to you, I'd suggest that regardless of his age you think of him as an adult and talk to him as one. Try to catch him doing something good, strong, manly, and comment appreciatively on that. Ask him to teach you how to do something. Ask his advice about something at work (not advice about marriage, never ever). But some kind of project or interpersonal thing at work, or something in the news, ask his opinion of it. Let him sense the blessing of a father who sees him as a man, even if he's just 12.

    Please don't let this fill you with guilt. We parents already feel like we aren't doing it right and none of us do it perfectly. These words are intended to set free, not enslave.

    I am apparently full of advice because I just had a relapse and I need to make myself think I am wise and good again. So take it all with a grain of salt.
     
    Last edited: Jul 15, 2018 at 4:10 PM

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