The Wanker Who Came in from the Cold

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Hello Penis My Old Friend, Feb 21, 2013.

  1. Hi guys,

    I've been away for a while and have finally made it back so I thought I'd start a new log. Here is the link to my old one:

    http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/index.php?topic=2336.0

    Looking at my last post in there I realise it's been almost three months since I went back to PMO, three months since I went 8 weeks no PMO, and three months since I would have completed 90 days no PMO had I not slipped up once. In those three months there have been many false starts but I wasn't able to stick it out. I came back for two reasons: firstly because a good friend of mine just decided to go no PMO and he's inspire me to get back on the wagon, and secondly because I feel like all the negative side effects of the PMO lifestyle are back.

    Going back to PMO

    At first, after eight weeks no PMO, I really enjoyed going back to porn. My erections were of a much higher quality, and the sensitivity of my penis had increased. I enjoyed PMO just for the feeling of playing with my "new" dick. For perhaps a month I would PMO maybe once per week, sometimes twice, but until the New Year I really thought I had it at a manageable level. Then the binges came back: entire Sunday's sitting PMO until my dick felt literally numb in my hand. I was back on the cam sites too, spending money.

    This past month it's been every other day, with some periods of doing it every day. What was especially strange was that every day was a new attempt to stop PMO, but I just couldn't. I would load up the cam or tube site and feel fucking depressed that I was looking at this shit, fully aware that it wasn't even a turn on, all while masturbating mechanically. Sometimes I felt like a little piece of me died every time I realised that I was doing this against my conscious will; that somewhere inside me a little voice would always talk my conscious self into giving in.

    Learning about triggers

    I have two major triggers: the morning after big nights out, and romantic disappointment.

    When I went no PMO, I tried to get my dating life in to shape. I went out with a few girls but nothing really went anywhere. When I started to feel romantically hopeless, you know what seemed a good idea? PMO. I think I really need to work on my self-esteem so that events like this don't shake my ego. Yep I've got issues :)

    Return of the side effects

    After two months, and once my use escalated, the physical side effects were back and my new dick was the same as that of old: desensitized, poor erection quality, sorry looking. It now spends more time looking like it just got out of an ice bath than a sauna, the reversal of which I was especially happy with during my 8 week stretch.

    Worse though has been the return of the mental side effects. Brain fog is back, and I can notice a real difference in how I feel when I wake up in the morning: sluggish rather than fresh, still tired rather than rested. This took about a month of use to return.

    In addition to this, my general mental state has become quite negative, enough for some friends to comment on it. I believe that this comes with the sense of powerlessness and worthlessness that comes with the repeated failure to beat an addiction, and the continuing inability to maintain, or even enter, a romantic relationship with a woman.

    You know the other night when walking home I had a thought that I'd never had before. With a perfectly clear head I thought what difference would it make if I killed myself. I wouldn't say I am feeling suicidal, and I was amazed that I could even have this thought. Nevertheless, it had a sobering effect, and made me want to get my shit together again. I was unsure whether to include this paragraph as I'm not feeling suicidal (I feel fucking ridiculous writing that), but thought I'd be completely honest.

    So, today is Day 2. Feels good to be back :)
     
  2. Cheers True. Even the simple act of posting again makes me feel confident about beating this.

    The suicidal thoughts really took me by surprise. I consider myself to be a pretty upbeat guy in general so I was actually astonished that I could think that, end even more surprised that I could do so in such a matter-of-fact way.

    As for being mentally prepared for gloomy days, I feel much more knowledgeable about my triggers than in my previous attempt. Last time I managed to overcome "habit based" triggers (such as the gym, or a Sunday morning, or finishing work), but fell foul of the emotional/mental state based triggers.

    I was in danger of relapsing today, Day 5, due to the standard issue Sunday hangover horn, which is why I decided to come here and post. My friend who is also quitting PMO inspires me to power through too. He writes to me to get it off his chest and he said it's a big help being able to talk to me, and just knowing that gives me further reason to stay strong... I really don't want to start a conversation with, "So... Last night I...".

    I've decided not to bother with a counter this time. Although I'm aware of how many days I'm PMO free, I'm trying to see this as a permanent lifestyle change rather than a challenge. Also, when I slipped up and had to reset my counter after 56 days, it was such a disappointment that it was difficult to find the will to get back on the wagon and start counting at 1 again. I'll probably still celebrate milestones when I realise I hit them.

    I also agree with focusing one thing at a time and putting off the romance until I'm feeling better. That said, I went out on Thursday and pulled a Welsh exchange student so it just goes to show that sometimes when you're least expecting it then shit just happens!
     
  3. Back to Day 1 today

    PMO yesterday. I should have seen it coming as I'd been fantasizing about porn since Saturday. I noticed something though: this time my use was different. I usually get my fix from tube sites or cam sites.

    How it happened

    Monday morning started and I was fantasizing about one of my favourite starlets, so I decided to google her name and see what came up. I had K9 installed and activated, so got no porn results. I did, however get a hit to her personal site. I went and had a look. No hardcore or nudity but enough to set the wheels in motion.

    This set me thinking about they type of film she was in and a couple of directors I like, which in turn sent me to a torrent site, where of course I found a few torrents. I have never downloaded porn before, as I'm scared of viruses, etc., but here I decided to download a few films. At this point I was telling myself that it was just to look (...of course. Fucking idiot).

    I'd been up working since 6am so at 2pm I decided to take my laptop to bed, where I edged for around an hour and eventually O. The films were a huge turn on for me: a specific style of vanilla porn film that I really love, with the type of actress I love.

    I had a nap, and woke up an hour or so later. My thinking had been that because I was having a tug and going to sleep then it wouldn't really count, and wouldn't lead to a binge (...of course. Fucking idiot).

    When I woke up, I was in the frame of mind that said "Fuck it. You may as well go the whole hog and start again tomorrow", and this is where something interesting happened. I deactivated K9 and went on a tube site. I was looking for the same type of girl and film, but on the tube site they did much less for me. The conclusion I draw from this is that the novelty of the downloaded film was actually more arousing than the pornographic content itself (WTF?), and that I've somehow internalised that tube sites are bad for me. As I sit here typing I'm wondering if this is a silver lining or not.

    Anyway, I had one more tug and then decided not to have another (a voice was telling me I should wank the whole evening away).

    I've decided not to get hung up on this, which is why I'm posting here. Recently I would have been really despondent about this and not come back to YBR, and I'd probably be on a cam site now. It was a blip. Now I am no PMO.
     
  4. Triggers and Goals

    Yesterday taught me to add another trigger to my list: fatigue. I'd partied over the weekend and worked a lot too, meaning my sleep quality was insufficient.

    So I have 3 major triggers:

    The morning after the night before

    Romantic disappointment

    Fatigue

    I'm just recapping this here for my own reference.

    As for goals, I wonder if my PMO yesterday was partly caused by a lack of a definite goal. Last week I set the goal of getting through the day, then getting to the weekend, then getting through the weekend: all definite, measurable, achievable goals. On Monday however, I just saw a lifetime of no PMO stretch out before me, and it all seemed insurmountable.

    With this in mind, I'll be setting regular goals as soon as one is completed.

    Goal 1 Make it to the end of today

    Goal 2 Make it to the weekend

    Goal 3 Make it through the weekend

    Goal 4 Don't give in to Monday

    That will get me through a week. Let's go!
     
  5. Fry

    Fry Guest

    Hey man, not glad to see you back here (you know what I mean ;) I followed your old journal since the very beginning as a silent reader and I found it quite inspiring, in particular the title was very motivating for me, as I'm getting 30 very soon. I'd like to come back to the stated above quote: I can relate to this kind of thoughts, had them for years and swallowed anti-depressants - they occur when you are depressed, most likely because of PMO-induced depression. Don't torture yourself with PMO any longer man, every time you PMO you severely punish yourself. Keep that in mind The so called short time benefits of PMOing are nothing compared to the price you have to pay. Drop PMO as a option to gratificate yourself. Don't think you miss something when you mustn't PMO - consider yourself lucky you don't have to PMO and you can be a free man! (its the same mindset you need when quitting smoking - as long as you think you miss something you will fail!)

    I'll keep an eye on your journal, good luck! Push through the first 5 days, it gets easier after that. Cheers :D
     
  6. 1) Yes, I definitely need to make sure I don't get too run down, and this may be my main trigger, having played a role in all of my previous relapses. It's difficult at the moment as I'm self employed and probably don't manage my time as effectively as I should so I end up working late/getting up early to meet deadlines. That said, I seem to wake up automatically after 5.5 hours sleep. I tend to drift off again for an hour or two but I've been thinking I should just get up when I wake up since I always feel fresher after 5.5 hours than I do when I wake up again later... 5.5 hours sleep and getting up before 6am just seems so uncivilized though! :p

    2) This is something I've been thinking about. During my last relapse I came round to a way of thinking where I was asking what the harm really was. I'm single, it makes me feel (temporarily) good... why not just stick with it? This was really a new level of hopelessness for me: accepting that my sexuality was forever bound to a PC screen and my hand.
     
  7. Thanks for stopping by Fry, and I'm glad you found my old journal useful. And yeah, it sucks to be back ;) I think I'm going to go back and read my old entries and see if it inspires me too. I tend to just use the log as a way to get my thoughts down on "paper" and rarely go back to check them over.

    Good luck with the big 3-0. I think it's a great age for getting your shit together, although sometimes its easy to have a 30 year crisis!

    Your post was quite timely and said just what I needed to hear, when I needed to hear it. Dropping PMO as a source of gratification is something I've been thinking about a lot this past week, especially after reading Underdog's post on YBOP about the "Porn is not an option mentality" (http://yourbrainonporn.com/im-going-reveal-you-1-secret-overcome-pornography-addiction), and wondering if I could really develop this outlook. Sometimes I feel like I can't even though I'm fully aware that that is what is required.

    I actually wrote to the guys at Allen Carr's Easy Way a while ago, and got a reply from the CEO himself! Below is the exchange in case you find it interesting.

    [quote author=Hello Penis My Old Friend]

    Hi,

    I quit smoking after 13 years in February 2011 using your book. It was perhaps my fourth quit attempt using the book, as I had always fallen foul of the "no such thing as one cigarette" rule. Now, I cannot imaging holding a cigarette between my lips.

    However,what I found most valuable in the book was how it puts you in a supremely positive frame of mind concerning something that many find to be a stressful experience, and I think I have found another area/addiction where your approach could be of help to thousands if not millions of young men: internet porn addiction.

    This is an addiction that I am currently dealing with, and found that in the early days I would often recall snippets of the Easy Way to help boost my morale, i.e. "you're not really giving anything up", etc.

    I really believe that you guys could do a lot of good here, perhaps with an e-book (guys may not want to pick up a book about porn addiction from a book shelf!).

    Porn addiction does not get the media coverage it deserves, so in case you are unaware of the problem here is a list of websites that deal with the issue:

    www.yourbrainonporn.com This is the website of Gary Wilson, a scientist who is at the forefront of helping men to give up porn. He has a very informative youtube video series about the addiction-like changes that porn use brings about in the brain's reward circuitry.

    www.yourbrainrebalanced.com This is a forum for recovering porn addicts with journals and discussions about the problem.

    Here are some links to news articles:

    http://www.windsorstar.com/health/Children+becoming+addicted+Internet+porn/7443206/story.html

    http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2212529/Addicted-Viagra-They-virile-growing-number-young-men-t-cope-little-blue-pills.html#ixzz28LoPtt32

    I thank you for taking a serious look at this issue and seeing if your method can be applied.

    [/quote]

    I was surprised to hear back from the organisation's top man. It seems they are pretty genuine in wanting to help people.


    [quote author=John Dicey, Worldwide Director, Allen Carr's Easyway (International) Ltd]

    Dear HPMOF,

    Thank you so much for getting in touch and congratulations on being a happy non-smoker.

    Thank you also for flagging up the need for us to apply Allen Carr's Easyway method to porn addiction and rest assured this is something which very much on our agenda. We have a dynamic global publishing programme and we have many addictions/issues to which we aim to apply the method. It may be 18-24 months before porn addiction rises to the top of the list but I am certain that we will get there eventually.

    Thank you for suggesting the links which you think might be of interest - I'll be sure to pass those on to the project team at the appropriate time and may I take this opportunity to congratulate you on your own personal progress with this issue - more power to you HPMOF.

    Best wishes
    John

    [/quote]

    A pretty non-committal answer I suppose but there you go. Perhaps some pressure from here could push it further up the list?
     
  8. Fry

    Fry Guest

    this is a very good idea - and you already figured it out: I stole the mindset from Allen Carr's non smoking books which I found quite useful when I quit smoking. I discovered that you can use this mindset for any other addiction. As long as I thought I'd be missing something (like seeing the world's most stunning females naked doing everything for me) and I just felt like I had to quit (like a smoker knowing, he's going to die eventually because of it) I kept failing. But when I realized I am not missing anything when I drop porn but rather really love it to be free and not have to watch f*v%§$ porn compulsively to enjoy life but porn on contrary just prevents me from really enjoying life something clicked in my head. I'm going to reboot and try to hook up with some lovely females in real life :D and if I do not suceed with this, there's plenty of other good things in life to live (so besides breasts and sex ;)

    Really hope to get to this mindset you mentioned HPMOF: http://yourbrainonporn.com/im-going-reveal-you-1-secret-overcome-pornography-addiction
     
  9. Yeah I remember with smoking it took me perhaps two years of trying to quit before I developed that mindset, it really does take a lot of reflection and introspection to internalise it. I got there in the end, though, and I will with this too.
     
  10. Fry

    Fry Guest

    that's what I wanted to hear :)
     
  11. Well, yesterday was tough but today was much easier, largely due to the support I found here: so thanks True and Fry.

    The day flew by and only thought about PMO when I started getting tired an hour or so ago, but now I'm off to bed so I'll say mission accomplished and wish you goodnight.
     
  12. Day 3

    Start with a positive note: today it's been 2 years since I last had a smoke.

    The last few posts have had me thinking about the strategy I used to stop smoking, and how I can apply them to this. I was probably at least as big a smoker as I was a wanker: just over a pack a day, and easily two packs if I went out at night too. Chain smoking from time to time if I was bored.

    A real breakthrough for me was accepting that I was, am, and will always be a nicotine addict, and that from time to time I will be tempted to have a smoke. But, and this is the key, even though I may be tempted, I know with absolute clarity and certainty why I stopped smoking and that my reasons for doing so were solid. No matter what happens, I can confidently say that I will never put another cigarette to my lips. The very idea just seems preposterous.

    I suppose that this is the "not an option" mentality.

    How did get there? I wish I could say. I know that it took a long time though: the transition from thinking I should really stop smoking, to really knowing that I should, to actually wanting to, and successfully quitting took three years, maybe longer. As with PMO, the most painful and demoralising part of this process was wanting to quit but feeling unable to do so.

    Another gem from Allen Carr was realising that no matter how bored/angry/stressed you are, cigarettes aren't magic and you will still be just as bored/angry/stressed after you've had a smoke: all you will have done is relieve an itch that you put there in the first place; you never craved nicotine before you introduced it into your system for the first time.

    And I think I just found the missing piece to my puzzle. This may seem contrived but as I was typing that last paragraph I felt something click: until a few minutes ago I had never considered porn to be a chemical addiction like cigarettes. I believed it to be something that had always been present, a habit indulged on natural impulses, rather than something I had introduced to my system and that my brain now craves... maybe because the dopamine that gets me "high" is produced inside my own head.

    I can now see that porn is a foreign stimulus, just as separate from my body as a bundle of dried leaves rolled in a sheet of paper.

    I'd like to think that this is a pivotal moment for me but time will tell.

    This morning I had some porn fantasy but tried to remain vigilant and nip it in the bud.

    A friend is visiting tomorrow so I'm safe from looking at porn over the weekend.
     
  13. Pretty strange day today, which I shall write about tomorrow. What is important though is that I end Day 4 with no desire to look at porn.

    Goodnight!
     
  14. Today I deleted my online dating account, as it caused a relapse, although in a pretty unusual (I think!) way. This is what I was going to write about on Saturday, but here I'll just provide a brief summary.

    I was on the dating site, some girl "winked" me and asked me to go on skype. Sent me a pic, we chatted, pics and chat got steadily more explicit. I sent an explicit pic, having convinced myself that it didn't count as PMO. She left the chat because I refused to masturbate on cam as her cam "wasn't working". To be honest I felt pretty underwhelmed by the whole thing and went to bed without MO, glad I had stuck to my guns. I just hoped that it was a) actually a female, and b) not being broadcast on a big screen in some gay sauna.

    It must have lodged in my mind though as I chatted to her again the following night, very briefly, but I'd got myself worked up so gave in and PMO. Repeat all day Sunday.


    Right now I'm trying to tell myself that twice in two weeks is better than every day for two weeks, but I feel a bit like I'm conning myself somehow: I can write posts about something clicking an paradigms shifting, and then two days later I'm binging on PMO. There seems to be some real dissonance between my behaviour and my goals.

    So I decided to delete my online dating account altogether. I did that this morning, and over the course of the day I've realised that it was just as much of a time sink as porn was. I feel like I have loads of time on my hands.

    That's it for today. Feeling a bit disappointed in myself but I have made it through another Day 1.

    Goal is to make it through tomorrow too.

    EDIT: Penile sensitivity In my last log I wrote about increased sensitivity in my penis, and how the shower felt great. The other day I woke up with morning wood, and my alarm was going off on my mobile. For a laugh, I decided to put the vibrating phone against my dick, expecting to get a cheap thrill. What did I feel? Absolutely nothing. I was gutted. Having a hard time reminding myself that it does improve with time.

    EDIT 2: My friend's flight got delayed so he couldn't make it. I wouldn't have done all of the above with a house guest!
     
  15. Yes you're right. I woke up this morning with P fantasy/flashbacks and immediately zapped them from my mind and got up, had breakfast, and cleaned the bathroom. Anything to keep my mind off it.

    I actually used that "big red X" technique or whatever it's called to block out the fantasy this morning, and even though I used to scoff at the technique it did the trick.

    You're doing great, though, True! You'll be getting one of those stars soon enough :) Stay strong!
     
  16. I go through yesterday with no PMO, nor any desire to. Compared to other "Day Twos" it was a lot easier. In the past, the second day no PMO has always been one of the hardest to get through but I did well yesterday.

    I kept myself busy and had a really productive day: up early and cleaned the bathroom then had a shower (working at home I'll often leave the shower until later in the day), read the paper, and then had a productive day at work. I spent some time on forums over the course of the working day but I paid attention to my internet usage and got back to work whenever I could feel I was aimlessly clicking away.

    I also cleaned up my dishes whenever I was done eating, rather than leaving it until the night or the next day, and had a good gym session before cooking some nice food (I made a big batch of chilli at lunch and then later on I had baked sweet potato with fried leeks and melted blue cheese). Overall it was a very productive, healthy, and satisfying day that I'd like to repeat today.

    It was an interesting feeling staying on top of my shit throughout the day, especially given that I had recently read this article in post on YBR:

    http://blogs.psychcentral.com/sex-addiction/2012/12/compulsive-self-deprivation-addictions-silent-partner/

    It's an article about how self-deprivation goes hand in hand with addiction, and I recognised my own behaviour at several points throughout the article. Here is a list of the behaviours from the article:

    Not taking care of your basic needs

    This includes neglecting all kinds of basic self care such as attending to medical needs and dental needs, neglecting hygiene, allowing garbage to pile up, not repairing things that break down, not paying bills or taxes and not reaching out to significant people in your life.

    Denying yourself pleasure and tolerating pain

    This includes restricting food, going on unusual regimens and cleansing routines, compulsive exercise, excessive body piercing or tattooing, and cutting yourself. It also includes avoiding sex and other pleasurable activities, hoarding money instead of spending it on legitimate needs and becoming over-involved in religious or spiritual practices that demand excessive self-denial and withdrawal.

    Avoiding success and abundance and living in fear

    This includes avoiding opportunities for success, working for free or for too little, overwork, going into debt, living in minimal surroundings and with a lack of fulfilling relationships or activities, and letting go of previous recreational pursuits.

    I've highlighted all that applies to me in bold: I've been meaning to go to the dentist for ages (I have a false tooth that is broken and needs replaced), my boiler has been on the blink but I never get round to getting it fixed, my flat is often a mess and dishes pile up, and although I have nice furniture, etc. I have made no effort to decorate the place.

    I don't know how much of this is PA related and how much is down to being a lazy fucker when it comes to housework, but it's something interesting to bear in mind. I definitely felt better having my stuff in order and doing some cleaning/cooking yesterday so I will be keeping it up. Today's challenge is the living room.

    Goal: get through today with no PMO. Can't see any problems with this but will stay on guard.
     
  17. Glad you found the link useful. I think I spotted it in someone else's log (can't remember which one, unfortunately), but it definitely struck a cord with me, too.

    The past couple of days have been pretty uneventful PMO-wise, although yesterday I had some passing urges. The desire to play with myself comes back a few days following a binge once my dick has recovered from the punishment and starts to hang a bit more freely again, so I've been trying to keep my hand out of my pants even if it's just "for comfort".

    I just started to do something else whenever I felt that nervous energy build up and caught up with the ironing. I'd read in others' logs about keeping busy being the key to riding out the urges, but I had never really used that strategy up until now. It seems to do the trick though, and as True said it feels good actually getting something done, whether it's work, exercise or just housework.

    So today is Day 5 and it's a bit of a slippery slope day for me so I am keeping my guard up and motivation keyed in. I went out last night and didn't get much sleep, so all of the usual suspects are lined up for a relapse. It won't be happening though.

    I think I'll get out of the house this afternoon and take a book and the paper to a café.
     
  18. This is certainly true. I've kept on top of my housework all week and it feels better than just letting the mess accumulate until I can't take it anymore and blitz the flat.
     
  19. Day 7, spent last night with girl, ED but was just what I needed

    I don't intend to give an explicit play-by-play, but the following may contain triggers.

    Went out last night after cooking for a friend and we ended up coming back to my place with a couple of girls, one of which I've just dropped off at the metro station.

    The bad news

    I still have ED. I managed to pass it off as "one too many tequilas", and she was very cool about it. When I said it wasn't going to be happening she just said, with a smile, "Nobody cares" and we carried on messing around. I did eventually get hard enough to penetrate, but I'm guessing it was only 60% hard, and didn't really stay hard for very long.

    It was pretty disconcerting: I was in bed with a girl, kissing, and feeling horny, but there was very little reaction downstairs. I wondered if that's what being paralyzed or having a stroke leaves people feeling like.

    The good news

    Well it's been a while and it was great just being in bed with a woman again. I really think I needed that: just to feel some skin on skin, lots of kissing and caressing. I like to take my time in bed and for me it's definitely a more sensual experience, rather than pounding away "like they do in the films". We actually got on well too, which is always a bonus :)

    This will sound really sad, but I think a lot of my porn use was in search of some kind of intimacy, which is why I gravitated towards cams. I'd always be looking for some cam girl who I could at least have some genuine banter with, just to feel a connection.

    The time I spent with this girl last night motivated me to get out there and find real connections more often, and confirmed in my mind exactly why I need to stop PMO: so that I can enjoy moments of authentic intimacy with women. I've been going through a drought since my last relationship ended, and I think that the absence of real sex made it easy for me to slip deep into a PMO habit, and I had adopted a "well there's nothing else to use it for right now" mentality. I'd forgotten just how good the real deal could be.

    So that was week 1, I'll be keeping my guard up for any chaser effect, and I'll set myself the goal of a PMO free Monday tomorrow.
     
  20. trapped7

    trapped7 "what you resist persists"

    thanks for linking to that article...
    it was somewhat shocking to read this.

    I could find some patterns of my own personality in that paragraph about "not taking care of basic needs"
    I had a time in my life where I would not attend to medical needs, not repair things that were broken, and so on... so self-deprivation might have played some role in my life.

    our human psyche is so fragile, and it's not easy to heal wounds that have been with you for a long time. First, you have to find out what exactly it is that happened to you, and then you have to find out what to do about it, and last you have to actually through the right course of action and do it.

    sounds great that you could be with a girl again.
    The ED will fade over time if you don't PMO - don't worry about it.
     

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