The sleeper awakens

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Mendoza, Jun 22, 2014.

  1. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Active Member

    Great post Mendoza.

    Belief, yes, but I think also love. When we love and feel loved it is so much easier to believe because then we feel we have something worth believing in. Love is a great teacher too.

    I don't find too many people here write much about their family backgrounds, but if one were able to gather a lot of data I'm sure what would emerge is a correlation between successful rebooters and chronic relapsers and their respective environments.
  2. Mendoza

    Mendoza Well-Known Member

    Thanks, TheScriabin. I stand corrected: love can ALSO be a great teacher... with or without a woman. Love can be just about giving your best to the world.

    10-day summary:

    The good
    No cravings PMO-wise. Had a mini-craving for a game which did not last more than a few minutes, which then left me alone. A turbulent mind that is slowly coming back to peace. No desire to cling onto someone or imagine romantic/sexual fantasies. I've also become very aware of all the things I need to get my life kick-started again. The challenge lying ahead is huge, daunting and exciting at the same time. Like entering a new zone.

    The not-so-good
    Feeling depressed on several days. Knowing that I won't pursue grad school this year feels like abandoning a dream and facing a hard truth. It's up to me to re-frame it in a more positive light, such as: maybe not this year, but after working for 2 years and fine-tuning my idea, I can always go back and try again. But still, it's not feeling rosy, so as counter-measure, brought a coffee pot to the workplace just to get going and offset the downer days. Last thing I want is to jump onto another addiction, but one coffee a day won't kill me.

    I noticed than in the past ten days, I have been a little more preoccupied, as in trying to control my future. But the issue with the project not happening, there were many outwardly signs that were telling me the door was closing. So then I thought: do I slug it out against destiny or do I allow destiny to draw my path? Destiny (or the universe) is not conspiring in my favor for said grad school objective... so at what point do I fight for the dream, and at what point to I accept that maybe, this isn't the path that was meant to be? To be honest, I wasn't sure that spending 4 years studying away was the best vision imaginable.:(

    Those worries also detracted from my general readings... been reading a lot less lately, and feel bad about it. However, I am pushing myself to exercise, the one positive change I've done since the turn of the year.

    Well, forwards it is (what other choice is there?) for another 10 days...
    TheScriabin likes this.
  3. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Active Member

    Agreed, I don't think the occasional coffee is anything to worry about. We need our little perks, especially when we are going through such a significant emotional challenge as cutting out more intense forms of stimulus.

    Yes, I didn't mean specifically romantic love. But love for or from something. Maybe I just mean that feeling of wanting to feel life in a deeper way.
  4. Fry2

    Fry2 Well-Known Member

    Hi Mendoza, referring to your post in Thebegs journal I wanted to encourage you to go on an after work drink with your project coworker and and then go for it, if the opportunity arises ;-)

    If I had followed the same thoughts and objections as you I wouldn't be married today.
  5. Mendoza

    Mendoza Well-Known Member

    Time to man up. Yesterday, I crashed and burned. Like, really bad. Back to zero.

    And this gets me to think: the more I relapse, the longer the binges get. And then I mention it to mom, who in a way, has become an accountability partner... not because she suggested, but because admitting it openly is, to me, much better than hiding it away. Of course, I got some tough talk from her about being active, fighting for one's objectives and goals. Lately, I have become indolent and passive. Not going to grad school made me somewhat depressed, but this got me into a stagnant state of mind, instead of going back to the drawing board and figuring out an alternate path.

    Solving this addiction is no walk in the park for me, in fact I've been a consistent chronic addict that keeps going back to the substance, because the tiniest of triggers snowball into tremendous obsessions that make it practically impossible for me not to relapse. If I were to apply cold hard logic, then then culprit is location... for any snowball to get larger, you need an incline, or momentum. The same goes with triggers. An unfortunate thought, be it wanting to play a game badly, or a sexual thought, a fantasy, whatever... will feed on a mind that allows it to gain momentum. If I remove the conditions for triggers to enjoy momentum, then they truly shouldn't ever bother me.

    So question is WHAT are those inner conditions and how do I change them? I am speculating here, but as much as I hate to admit it, probably lack of self-appreciation... but especially, no belief that I can live an adventurous life, with meaning through work I like and connections to people whose company I enjoy. And it should start from within: to harbor the belief that I can and will live my life IN MY TERMS. Without this I cannot act. Without action, it's back to the cycles of relapses. Ten days ago, I was confident I'd be well on my way to a healthy recovery. Now I realize that recovery is whole lot more than getting rid of bad patterns... a lack of vision and passion is even more destructive.

    So tonight after work, I'm going to hit the kitchen table with pen and pad, and brainstorm ideas for something I would really like to learn and start doing.

    I really appreciate your kind encouragement. I am seeing her tomorrow, but I'm feeling all fucked from what happened. I'd like to do that when she returns from an overseas trip early next month. I'll be less volatile then, so whatever her answer I can take it in stride, without letting it affect me too much. I know this sounds like delaying, but I have to be better mentally and emotionally. Your last line though strikes home: if I don't do anything, then I'll be rewarded with loneliness. And if I do, who knows...
  6. Fry2

    Fry2 Well-Known Member

    Sorry to hear what happended but I feel there's better times to come for you if you work on it.

    Those last line about me not being married today is because I was in your position. My wife was a coworker (assistant of the CEO) and I was chatting with her for 6 months every couple of days in a friendly way. One day I asked her out for an after work drink, although I knew she was in a relationship and - as mentioned before- assistant of CEO. so high stakes for me, considering I was also pretty fucked up from a binge drinking episode aka festival. But in the end I managed to take her out anyway, despite having tons of excuses and doubts about it. Fortune favors the brave sometimes, I reckon ;-)
    Last edited: Jan 15, 2018 at 11:14 AM
  7. Hello Penis My Old Friend

    Hello Penis My Old Friend Well-Known Member

    Hi Mendoza, sorry to hear you are having a hard time there. I really enjoyed your earlier post and it seems like you had a real mental breakthrough. It isn't easy learning to smash the glass case and cast P out forever. For me it took a real emotional shock that shook me to my core.

    Have a think about acceptance. For me, acceptance means knowing that no matter what happens - good days, bad days, romantic disappointment, shitty career, shitty family - P will not help the situation. It's hard, and black moods came that lasted for a day or two (but are now far less frequent), but eventually I discovered that I could just sit with my shitty feelings and experience them. When you can do that without recourse to P, even feeling bad feels good, because it feels like something other than numb.

    For a long time I tried action to overcome my addiction and improved my life and person in many ways, but it was acceptance that cracked the nut.

    Even if you have no intention of getting involved an going to meetings, have a look at the SAA literature and see if any of it rings true.
    TheScriabin likes this.
  8. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Active Member

    The more you relapse the longer the binges get. Same here. I used to sob that I’d only made things worse with this whole PMO abstinence thing. But I’ve not made them worse, I’ve made them a lot more difficult, which is exactly as it should be.

    But I think this is because we are finally finding a way to become adults, and like Odysseus, that doesn’t happen without having to battle the Cyclops, or an end-of-level boss, who only comes back bigger and badder until he is finally vanquished for good. Then we have passed the initiation and we are real men, having saved the village, and we finally get the girl! I am sure nature only gives us as much shit as it knows we can handle, so if it gives us a lot, it’s cos it knows we are bad asses who can take it. Our culture doesn’t have enough archetypes for becoming men. Men are tough motherfuckers. But boys...

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