The Road Goes Ever On

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Eternity, Oct 9, 2013.

  1. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Three nights of "good" night M:s now. This must stop, before it leads to worse things...
     
  2. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    What a terrible week. Not all is lost, though. There are still a few days left to bring balance. Next weekend is important, so that's one reason to fight.
     
  3. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Sunday clean.
    Monday clean.
    Today?

    I'm sorry for being such a failure. It's so hard to avoid MO before sleep. I hope to build on this two-day respite. I've had some unfortunate things happen to me which haven't helped with my mood. But instead of waiting it out, I intend to take care of the problems. Skin is getting worse but I have been to the doctor, just haven't heard anything yet. The old knee injury is haunting me again. If it's not better by the end of this week, I will go see a specialist.

    I went to a concert this weekend. It was great, one of the best I've seen. But, as usual I didn't want to go. Anxiety is the enemy. Once I get there, it's not a problem, but going out the door to go there is always scary. This never seems to change as I've been to so many concerts now. I know that it's always worth it, though.
     
  4. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Tuesday clean.
    Wednesday clean.
    Today?

    So far, so good. If this continues I need to form a plan about how to deal with wet dreams. I accept that they are unavoidable, but when they add a chaser effect, I struggle. Perhaps I should reward myself if I manage to weather the storm.

    Mood is foul and apathy is strong. It should get better but right now I don't want to do anything. That's about all I can manage to write right now.
     
    Thebeg likes this.
  5. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    Keep it up Eternity, you got this.
     
  6. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Thanks, I hope so. Got weekend urges right now but I decided to drop by here first. When I stop and think it seems easy, but a stupid mistake could happen anytime. Let's see if posting this helps...
     
  7. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    Yeah and release that energy. Work out, a lot. We men have tons of energy when we're not fapping so we must find ways to spend that energy
     
  8. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    I failed despite working out... Well, on it again. Hopefully spring comes soon which allows time outdoors.
     
  9. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Lost in Struggle Land. Every evening means MO. Sometimes PMO. Why? Probably because deep down, I don't care; neither about the addiction nor what will happen to my life. If I knew I'd die tomorrow I don't think I'd care much.

    I want to find my way out, but how? Well, as long as I'm stuck in this box of an apartment, it seems impossible. It's very difficult to find a house so I've started to look into a better place to rent for now.

    I bear so much anger and hatred inside. It has destroyed the soul. I fear that I might do something stupid due to that. About the only thing that helps is the forest. The ancient halls calms and soothes. Sadly, the forests are disappearing at an alarming rate. Soon, there will be nothing left of the forests of old... Upon writing this, I'm reminded once again that one of my few enduring passions is that of nature. If I could harness the enmity and convert it into energy to do something for the planet, it would be good. I don't know where to start, though. I lack knowledge, but given the almost burning passion, I should be quick to learn. I don't believe that you need to study for years to protect this world.
     
  10. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    I'm back... I keep drifting away from this journal whenever things start to go out of control. The shame of admitting the repeated failures is too much; I rather run.

    How can I stick to it? I know that the journal isn't the absolute solution, but it's part of it. It's easy to make plans, but it's as easy to ignore them.

    Why am I still persistent about beating this? I think it goes back to that first year here; I tasted success. I have the proof that it will make things better. What I lack is the motivation, the goals. "Making my life better" is somewhat vague, but still a good summary. How to proceed? This is where I get stuck. I know that it takes a while to see any improvements, but before getting there I give in to the pointlessness. Why bother? Just take the easy pleasure, the junk food of emotions. It feels good at first, but is quickly replaced by bad moods. Which, in turn, lead back to taking the easy road. This is not news, but it may help to remind me of the point of all this.

    It seems that I can conclude by writing that it's going to be a test of willpower at first. I need to get through the initial period. There is no shortcut. I need to write here, even if it's just nonsense to make me keep going.
     
  11. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    It's day two and I'm super bored. This usually means PMO because there's nothing better to do. Is there anything better to do? I'm not sure if it's better, but there's stuff to read, watch and play. I don't want to, though. So I mindlessly browse the Internet.

    I could exercise but there's this big event next weekend for which I've prepared all spring. I need to take it easy the week leading up to it, so I need to avoid killing time by heading outside. It's soon over, though.

    At least writing this has taken some time. I'm going to make some dinner and then probably watch a film. I'm reluctant but I can't sit around doing nothing.
     
  12. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    Being bored is dangerous indeed. Maybe you can just go for a long walk or something? Hope the big event is not giving you a lot of stress that can lead to PMO. Good luck!
     
  13. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Thanks! That's actually what I'm planning to do tonight; head out to just be at one with nature. I start the event around midnight on Friday, so I need to try to stay up/wake up late this week to prepare. I'm pretty calm about it, I feel that I've prepared as well as I could given the stubborn winter we had this year. The event is a 300km long cycling sportive, and I do not wish to participate with a PMO hangover. The idea was to be clean for much longer than a week before, but alas, here I am. I just have to make the best of the situation.

    I'm going to check out a house for sale tomorrow. I have been looking for one for a very long time, but it's difficult as a single person. Sometimes I feel that the world is against living alone. Surviving financially is sometimes tough, let alone buying a house. I almost hope not to like it too much because getting a loan isn't that easy. It's worth a try, though; I can't stand living in the city.
     
  14. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Is it day five? I've always been bad at keeping count. Perhaps that's actually a good thing. I've been constantly gloomy, thinking dark thoughts. Let's just say they're not encouraging this reboot. But I will not give in so easily.

    I'm getting nervous about the weekend. Not about the cycling, but everything surrounding it. That always happens when I have to go to public places. Well, it's never as bad as I imagine. I wonder what kind of thoughts I will drift into during this long ride; if anything, there will be time to think.
     
  15. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    300km of cycling? :eek: Wow. How many hours is that? Really cool though that you are going to participate. I totally understand the anxiety that comes with it, but I hope that the excitement for the cycling itself is dominant. I suggest that you make a plan for not relapsing after the cycling though. In similar situations, also sports events, I have relapsed afterwards because I was still so exited of the whole thing and couldn't sleep. Like you're working up to it for a long time, you do it, and then suddenly it is all over and you're left with this undetermined feeling. Well, I don't know if this makes sense. Just a notice.
     
  16. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    I'd say that for a beginner who has trained reasonably, it takes between 12-15 hours. I'd planned on 12-13 but it took a bit longer because I hadn't considered how long all the food stops would take. Still, I made it and I'm glad that it's finally over. It's taken a year of preparation so it's a huge weight off my shoulders.

    There was no risk of relapse yesterday, since I'd been up for 36+ hours. I fell asleep almost immediately. The danger now is rather to fill the void that cycling leaves. I don't think I'll train as hard as before, and ride more for leisure or commuting. However, since I don't need to dedicate myself to cycling as much, I can take up running and walking/hiking again.
     
  17. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Hm. Failed last night. I definitely need a plan when the addiction strikes. Head out for a walk? A shower? I think staying inside is out of the question. Getting out should be easier after I've moved in about a month.

    On the bright side, I did last over a week. If I can find a way to counter the sudden urges I should be able to last even longer.
     
  18. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Nope. Failed again. I suspect that it's related to me having nothing to do. This week being "rest week", I'm not supposed to do much. I've packed some things in preparation for the move, but there's hardly enough activity to cover an entire day.

    This isn't good. The addiction is making me doubt certain choices I felt sure about just a little while ago. It doesn't want me to leave the safe zone. Perhaps the best thing to do is to leap into the unknown. Mostly I'm not getting anywhere due to being stuck in the same spot. During the first year of joining here, I did some things that would be very hard for me to do today. If I can actually pull myself together, I'm sure I could have similar adventures.

    What's more is that music doesn't sound as good anymore. I've always enjoyed listening and singing, but recently everything has felt bland. Undoubtedly this is another numbing effect of the addiction. If music disappeared from my life, I don't think I could take it.

    It's obvious that I need to put in more effort. The addiction is slowly destroying my will to live. It's not yet too late - but I fear it will be if this goes on for another year or two.
     
  19. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    Do I understand well that you are moving to another place? When is that? That sounds great, but ofcourse it is also quite a big step. Any change is difficult. Not only for an addict, but for everyone. It always brings tension, and I can understand that that could also have led to relapsing. I hope you can find some other activities, such as reading, writing or going for walks to reduce the urges. Keep it up!
     
  20. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Yeah, in about a month. A bit larger apartment as this one has gotten too small. But, I'm also looking for buying a house. There's one that's interesting right now, but it conflicts with the apartment move. I'd feel like an ass if I were to move out after a few months. Maybe that's the nice guy in me speaking, though. Should I really take in consideration that it may be an inconvenience for the landlord? Probably not.

    As for activities, I do some reading - I just finished The Wheel of Time series after many years. I mostly read after going to bed, though. This is mainly due to lack of a cozy reading spot, something that should change after moving.
    Having had a few days to consider, I don't think I'm done with cycling yet. I'm considering some minor weekend trips on the bike, something like 300-500km rides. That'd allow me to get out and to see some new sights, as well as get adventures back into my life.
    Well, I think the boredom issue is going to get easier to deal with when my vacation is over. And if I do buy a house I'll probably have too much to do.
     

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