The Road Goes Ever On

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Eternity, Oct 9, 2013.

  1. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Hello. It's been... a long time. Two years if we don't count the last brief visit. Nothing has changed, really, except possibly for the worse. I don't know if it was this bad even before I found my way here. I've had the occasional week-long breaks, but a constant factor has been the weekends. Just like always before.

    I always told myself I'd come back here once I'd reached 10 days, for the shame of constantly relapsing made me avoid coming here. Yeah, that didn't work. I more or less chose to relapse just so I wouldn't have to come back. I've pretty much planned my weekends around PMO. That considered, why am I posting again? Well, it's clear that I cannot quit on my own. Despite falling to the bottom, the voice nagging that PMO is the wrong thing to do has been ever present. I cannot ignore it any longer. So here I am, dusting off the old journal again. I will try to write quite often, even if it's forced. It's got to begin somewhere.
  2. titan_transcendence

    titan_transcendence Well-Known Member

    Hi, Eternity. Its good to see you in here, because this is the place to heal. I have not beaten up this addiction myself, but at least coming in here regularly have given me many insights and some good streaks. The encouraging and understanding atmosphere in here helps a lot. Even if one occasionally could fall, it do not make him a failure. As many says in here, every slip can teach something to us. I believe in slow but steady progress if one just keeps on trying no matter what.
  3. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    I got bored last night, and the usual story unfolded. I've got zero resistance right now. My resolve is very short-lived, ranging from a couple of days to mere hours. A single thought is enough to switch on the autopilot. As it is uncommon for me to P or M during the day, bedtime is my greatest hurdle. It's during the day's final hours that I'm easily swayed.

    It might be worth trying to make it annoying to access my laptop (my main tool for P). I've tried filters in the past with very little success, but I'm thinking a physical annoyance. That way it gives me time to consider my actions. There's still the danger of M, but it's worth a try indeed.

    Hey Titan, long time no see. You're right, we need to keep trying. While I did try in my absence, it was without purpose, and I pretty much stopped caring about what happens in my life. It won't be easy to come back, but I know it's possible. This community helped me in the past and will be of great help.
  4. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Weekend. It is a difficult challenge for me, and already there are signs of the auto-pilot switching on. Will I be able to endure?

    Thus far the week has been uneventful. But, it's not uncommon. All the stress that's built up through the week wants out, and that results in a relapse. If it can be called a relapse if it happens on schedule. Anyway, I have to try to get through this. Even one PMO free weekend is a major improvement at this point. I'm used to Mondays being horrible, feeding the endless cycle of the need for comfort. I want to know what happens if I don't have to start over from the bottom each new week. The first step is to survive tonight...
  5. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    I'm pretty sleepy (got up early) and will head off to bed shortly. Not to jinx myself, but I think I've successfully survived Fri+Sat for the first time in forever. I know that things can change in the blink of an eye, but for now I feel content. I believe the worst is yet to come, however. That said, taking up the journal has given me some motivation, which can only count as positive.
    Billy B. likes this.
  6. titan_transcendence

    titan_transcendence Well-Known Member

    You can do this! Stay clean and you will begin to feel slowly better for everything. Sometimes relapsing seems to be not so big deal. But this is all about sending subconscious messages to ourselves. If we say that its all the same to relapse anyways, it will send to us a message that our life sucks. But if we refrain from succumbing and manage this addiction, this message will be a positive one, that we really matter. This message will slowly sink in, by making the right choices.
    Billy B. likes this.
  7. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Thanks for the support! I recall that for me it takes roughly 3 weeks before it gets "easier." I won't deny that I have urges right now. I want to visit my usual websites to check what's new. If I hadn't returned here, I surely would be browsing already. I have to fight it. I have to remember that porn itself is very boring to watch. The hunt is exciting but I will never find the perfect thing I'm searching for.

    I think one significant reason for wanting to properly reboot, is that I finally know what I want to do in life. I've considered it many times, but at last I'm sure. I hate my current job, and if I have to keep doing it for another 30 years I'll go insane, or worse. As I've mentioned, a lot of addiction fuel comes from the weeks at work. So, it's now or never that I have to change my situation. Unfortunately it'll be another year before I can quit, but having a proper plan feels good. I just hope I don't chicken out as I tend to do.

    Edit: Reading old posts is fairly depressing, seeing how I wasn't really putting much heart into it. Hopefully, this time I can actually learn from my mistakes (and successes.)
    Last edited: Apr 23, 2017
    Billy B. likes this.
  8. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    There's no point in hiding it. Yesterday I stumbled upon an arousing picture and stared at it for about a minute. I got extremely close to giving in... but I didn't. I need to be really careful lest I encounter something like that again.

    As for good news, I spent nearly three hours in the woods yesterday. It was very relaxing as usual and I was relieved that that particular forest hasn't been cut down yet. Hopefully it won't be so I can enjoy more walks and runs there. This weekend I plan to visit a nearby protected forest which I've yet to go to.

    Edit: Reading even older posts is quite motivating. Back then it seems that there was always something to look forward to, up to the Australia trip. Work has likely played a bigger part than I give it credit for, and not in a good way. This reinforces my decision to move on.
    Last edited: Apr 24, 2017
  9. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Memory failure and "brain fog." I'm not sure if I've written about it before, but it's definitely got worse in recent years. The most noticeable problems are:
    - Maintaining focus. Thoughts drift and can make me completely forget or remove focus from something small I had intended to do. I think the worst example is locking a door and having no idea whether I actually locked it. When on the Internet I tend to tab out of long articles almost subconsciously.
    - Losing vocabulary. It happens more and more often that I can't find words, or doubt that it's the right or even a real word. It's annoying when I have to erase a whole sentence due to uncertainty. It happens almost exclusively in my native language and not so much in English. It could be a matter of practice, but I suspect that it's linked to the addiction.

    I'm curious to see whether things will improve as time passes.
  10. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    So begins another weekend. A long one. I haven't got any idea what to do during it, except spend time outside but that will cover a few hours at most. Boredom is unavoidable, but there's got to be something to do... There is a somewhat interesting concert on Saturday but I don't feel too hyped. Well, I won't say never.

    There are still urges to look up certain websites. I've shut off the computer quite early this week and done some reading instead. I think I will tonight, too. I get sleepy early these days, and I'm a little worried about sleeping too much. Though, I seldom get more than 9 hours and never really without waking up several times. I know I had this problem before, too, but I can't remember if it got better. I have to look up if I made any mention of it.
    titan_transcendence likes this.
  11. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    Good to see you posting here regularly as well as on others journals, E.

    Good best of luck for the weekend, there is always something to do. I found it useful to make plans to spend time with others. And for those moments when I didn't have plans, I made a list of things to chose from for when, the cravings hit. That way I didn't have to think about it, but just to choose something from the list: coming here, going to other rebooting sites, reading, going for a walk, calling a friend, listening to music, tidying up, making a plan for the future, etc. I made the list loooooong because during reboot, the depression makes it difficult for me to take pleasure in things that I might normally enjoy... having a long list gave me more options, more chance to find something at least vaguely inspiring. Even sometimes it felt like there was only one thing that would get me going (pmo), in those moments I needed to discipline myself and do something from the list, regardless.

    I hope that helps.

    Good on you for gettin' back on the horse, Bro. Staying stuck in the cycle is no option, really. Just more of the same pointless escapism, draining our energy and cutting us off from our true selves and others.

    You can do it!
    titan_transcendence likes this.
  12. titan_transcendence

    titan_transcendence Well-Known Member

    I think its good that you have started to post more actively. It helps one to stay focused of the rebooting process. Billy already said a couple of good advice for the long weekend. I would like to add that you already know where your most weakest moment will likely happen: late at night, during the bedtime. Put your focus to those moments. If you have followed my journal, I have managed my own most difficult periods by posting in here in the mornings. So, I propose for you to come in here and post something in here, just a few lines if not more before going to bed.
    Billy B. likes this.
  13. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    That's great advice!
  14. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Thanks! Good advice indeed, when I post something it usually takes my mind off anything else. And hopefully I can get involved in a few journals here in case I have nothing to write a particular night.

    Billy, I really, really should try to make a list. I always think that there's nothing to do, but that's not true. For starters I got some papers to sort, but never do due to eternal procrastination (another problem of mine.) Discogs takes a fair bit of time, too. So yeah, a list shouldn't be a problem. It's probably more that my brain wants me to believe that there's nothing to do except PMO.

    Today has gone by surprisingly fast. I did some laundry and added a couple of releases to Discogs. Tomorrow I'm going shopping, for sunglasses hopefully. Should be useful for driving, running, and more. Not to mention that my eyes are pretty sensitive to bright light after all the years in the dark. I squint almost constantly when outside. Tomorrow also seems to offer some nice weather, so I plan to head out to the woods again. I don't wish to plan too far ahead, though. Just handling each day as it comes should be enough.
    Billy B. and titan_transcendence like this.
  15. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    I've had some intense urges today. I had no choice but to escape to the woods. It seems to have worked; I feel much calmer now. I fear that it will only get worse, though. And there are still two days to go before the weekend is over. However, I will not go down without a fight.

    I decided to skip the concert today. I need to spend less money for a while, so I won't go unless I'm really interested in a show. I'm planning to go to a festival in late summer, as well as a Bad Religion concert. Maybe something else, but that's all until the autumn.
  16. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    Excellent! I plan to take the advice you posted on my journal and just GO. I would do so, today, but think it prudent to rest as I have this infection needs clearing up. Soon, though!

    Bad Religion! There's a blast from the past. Had a bit of that lately as the folks I played with yesterday are huge Misfits fans. Not quite as intellectual or thought-provoking as BR, but fun, still.
    Last edited: Apr 30, 2017
  17. titan_transcendence

    titan_transcendence Well-Known Member

    Going to nature really calms one's mind. I hope you have had good weekend and resisted the urges if they came.
  18. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    I have to admit that I've barely heard Misfits, but the little I have sounded great. I kinda stopped discovering punk bands when I got into metal, but I still regularly listen to the few bands that I know, especially BR.

    Surprisingly, I had no significant urges last night (hence the lack of a post.) It could be because I went on a three-hour walk in the afternoon. It's interesting to see the effects outdoors has on me. I need new shoes, though; my current ones are killing me.

    Well, I have successfully stayed clear for two weeks, doubtless thanks to the forums. That said, it's far from over. Upcoming Fridays are still going to be challenging. Anxiety is far from gone (and never really will be, but it can be lowered to manageable levels) and can be a possible trigger, too.
    Overall I feel more positive and energetic, though I still get sleepy early. It reminds me of past reboot attempts, and the most important thing this time is not to get overconfident. That leads to moments when I think I can handle a quick peek. It always ends in disaster. I hope I will follow my own advice this time.

    It's the last day of this long weekend, and I got plenty to do today. Better get started!
    Billy B. likes this.
  19. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    Good to hear your new strategies got you through the weekend, mate. Confident but not complacent: that's the way!

    And if you feel the urge to peek sometime, maybe ask yourself why. If the goal is to get off pmo, if you know it's shit and you don't want it in your life... what use is a peek? It's choosing to indulge a part of you that you have already decided does not serve you.

    I know, I know, in those moments logic doesn't always cut it. The addicted brain and it's own irrationalisations are slippery buggers. But I'm right aren't I? If one desires "just a taste" that means one still believes there's a sacrifice being made, that one is somehow missing out. But there's nothing to 'give up'! It's shit that has done absolutely nothing for us except suck our energy, grind away at our self-esteem, cut us off from ourselves and others and feed back on itself, hammering our pleasure centres until we feel as though its the only thing that can bring us any sorta kick.

    With that in mind, why would we even want a taste? By the spoonful or by the bucket-load: shit is still shit.

    And we don't need it to be happy.
    Last edited: May 1, 2017
  20. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    PS I was laying in bed last night thinkin', having a giggle at how the Billy-B-the-smart-arse was in fine form, yesterday. All that above, in the interests of full disclosure, pretty much came from Allen Carrs Easy Way to Quit Smoking. Even before I saw the hack-book that's been floating around, I was able adapt these ideas, transpose them, I guess you could say, to my pmo addiction and it's true: by the beginning of this re-boot I had turned a corner, psychologically, and realised that I really, truly, didn't want or need it in my life. This meant that any cravings or urges I had were easy to deal with. I recognised them as the addiction talking and brushed them aside. Which isn't to say that the withdrawal symptoms (fatigue, brain-fog, depression, all that dopamine/pleasure centre stuff) weren't absolute hell, just that I knew, really and truly on every level, that having a quick fix wasn't going to solve that, more than perhaps temporarily and most importantly, it would only make things worse in the long run.

    The funny thing is (and it's lucky I can laugh at myself), I haven't actually managed to grasp this when it comes to cigarettes! I know it, intellectually, of course, but when I try to quit the bug in my subconscious is still able to trick me into thinking that I'm missing out on something. The truth is that a cigarette, like a pmo sesh, really only gives back (and only partially) what it took away in the first place. Each cigarette simply eases the discomfort of withdrawing from the previous one. My hope is, that in the build up to my next quit attempt, I can get this through my thick skull and move on with my life without that shit draggin' me down.

    I hope the rest of your day was salubrious, mate. That it was productive and peaceful and that you can breathe easy, knowing that you've got a another day clean under yr belt.

    Peace to ya.

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