The Long Walk | Rebooting once and for all

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by TheLongWalk, Jul 24, 2017.

  1. straightlines

    straightlines New Member

    Using Magic as a reward system, it's been years since I last played! I wish I had that sort of mentality (and knowledge) back then as it seems a great idea to build a deck!
  2. TheLongWalk

    TheLongWalk Active Member

    Day 18

    I haven't been posting much in the last couple of days. Mostly because the reboot is going smoothly at the moment. I didn't have a lot of urges the past few days. I guess, I'm in some sort of mini flatline. For the most part, I'm not very responsive down there but I do get morning wood sometimes. Furthermore, I only had one pornographic dream where I saw myself in third person going on pornhub. I woke up with a little bit of precum in my pants. Crazy stuff. The only problem I faced was that I have been peeking sometimes but I was able to snap out of it a few seconds after googling for images. I need to be aware of peeking because peeking can always lead to relapses. Also, the reward system was another motivation for me. I'm very much looking forward to buying the cards and everytime I started to peek, I said to myself, "if you are going through with it, there will be no cards for you".

    Furthermore, the new job brings a lot of structure and joy to my everyday life. Also, I'm forced to leave the house everyday and face my fears daily. I've noticed that I have become more calm and relaxed. So my overall mood has increased drastically. Of course that is also helping me to stay clean. If you spend your days mostly alone in your room being depressed, it's much harder to stay clean.

    I hope everyone is doing well, and I wish you a wonderful PMO-free weekend. Stay strong!
  3. TheLongWalk

    TheLongWalk Active Member

    Day 20

    I'm very much looking forward to receiveing my reward tomorrow. I won't get the Birds of Paradise though, but another card that I need more at the moment in the same price range.

    Today was very interesting day. One of my best friends, whom I hadn't seen in quite some time, visited me today and we talked about a lot of things. At one point he told me that he was feeling more and more asexual as of late and that dating has become somewhat of a chore for him. He was always a ladies' man so that was quite surprising for me. We are very trusted with each other and share a lot of secrets. Thus, he also knows about my ED since I told him about 10 years ago (writing this is depressing, I wish I had found YBOP earlier...). I never talked to him about rebooting though and that I had found out that porn caused my problems. So I asked him how much he uses porn and he told me that since he has moved to his own appartment (before, he lived in a flat share) his porn use has increased quite a bit and that he approximately uses it every two days. I, then, opened up about the whole P topic and told him that porn can cause major sexual problems and all the science behind it. He was all ears and even mentioned that he noticed some common phenomenons like that his tastes had escalated a bit in the past few months, that he feels drained after a P session and that he, after doing the deed, often times is disgusted with what he had fapped to. So I sent him Gary's TED Talk and I ordered him the YBOP book and "The Porn Myth" after he promised me that he will read it. I'm very content and I think I did a good deed today. Also, I'm very appreciative that I have such a good friend in him with whom I can talk about anything even shameful or sensible topics like sexual problems etc.

    Furthermore, I installed a new porn blocker that will hopefully prevent me from peeking. I can get around it but I have to undertake several tedious steps to disable it. This will hopefully prevent me from peeking and relapsing. So far it's working. The last two days have been completely clean.
  4. TheLongWalk

    TheLongWalk Active Member

    Day 22

    First off, I ordered my cards and I'm very proud of myself that I (once again) made it this far. It's not much but it's definitely a good start. The next card I wanna aim for is the infamous Archangel of Thune. It's an extremely powerful card, it would be easily the most expensive card I own, and, the best of all, it fits perfectly in one of my decks. Not only do I want one copy of it but two (one costs about 15€). I know, it's a very ambitious goal but this is really my dream card. While watching a pro tour series game a while ago I came across that card and I fell in love instantly. I was like, I need to get this card for my deck, it's like someone tailor made this card for my deck. When I looked up the prices my jaw dropped. I'd never pay 30€ for 2 cards but the reward system is for special cards that keep me motivated especially in dark hours. Wish me luck! 52 clean days will be needed. Not only would it elevate my Magic Game but if I'm able to stay clean for that long, it would have also helped me to regain my sexuality and that would make me love that card even more. Win Win :D.

    On the rebooting front, I'm happy to say that the past two days, again, were totally clean. My urges are very low at the moment. It's interesting to observe that these urges and cravings always seem to come in waves.

    Furthermore, I'm looking for a therapist at the moment who can help me with my social phobia. I had appointment with one today but we didn't really click. I disagreed with a quite a few things that he said. But I'll give it another go with him next week. Next week I will also see another therapist, maybe he fits me better. I don't wanna go for the first one that I meet but for the one that I have the feeling will help me the most.

    Stay strong, brethren!
  5. straightlines

    straightlines New Member

    Congrats bro, enjoy your new additions! I don't think there is too ambitious, we make our own future after all.
    TheLongWalk likes this.
  6. TheLongWalk

    TheLongWalk Active Member

    Day 27

    Checking in quickly. I had quite a few urges during the weekend. Mostly because I spent much time on my own. During the week, I don't have this problem that much because I spend half of the day at work where I can't relapse of course. But when I'm on my own during the weekend, I have a lot of time to fill and I sometimes spend too much in front of the computer. When I get bored, mindlessly browsing the internet relapses are more probable. Next weekend I try to spend more time with friends or outside the house. I already made plans to see a friend on friday.

    Also, I want to thank @chrism whom I gave the password to my porn blocker to. It was too easy for me to get around the blocker with the password for it hidden in a txt-file. Now, I don't have access to it anymore which makes it much harder to relapse and even peeking is close to impossible.
    NoDestination and chrism like this.
  7. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    Hey man, thanks for stopping by my journal earlier :)

    I hope that you are having more success with stopping peeking not you cant turn off your blockers :)

    Good to see that your days are increasing so much!, I hope to be where you are in a week or so from now, keep going man!!
    TheLongWalk likes this.
  8. TheLongWalk

    TheLongWalk Active Member

    Day 34

    Another clean week. Thanks to the blockers and the hidden password I don't even feel tempted to peek or to look "something" up.

    Lately, I've been thinking about the end game of my reboot. Maybe it's a bit premature but I do wonder what happens after the "magical" 90 days, how shall I try to rewire and so on and so forth. I sometimes ponder of going to a prostitute to test my ED. Maybe it's a bad idea, as I don't like prostitues per se. But sometimes I think, I don't have many other options. There's also the girl, that I had been in contact with before I had my breakdown. I told her, I would message her again after I came back from the clinic but of course I didn't do that. I could still write her and try to meet up with her and see what's up. But most likely, she's now with another guy. Or she doesn't want to talk with me anymore. On top of that, thanks to my social phobia, I fear of meeting her flat mates and going with her to public places like cafes and stuff. It's very complicated. Maybe I should just stick to my guns and try to stay clean until the "magical" 90 days and then see what I can do. I really don't know... What I know is that I start to get horny more and more. Last week, I was on the tube and there was a girl sitting opposite to me and I just couldn't stop wondering how nice her arms looked :D. Be sure, I wouldn't have noticed that if I still was using porn daily.

    I guess, I'll just stick to being clean for a little while and then see what happens next.
    chrism likes this.
  9. NoDestination

    NoDestination Active Member

    Don't assume. Just send her a message. Go with "Hi" and see how things work out from there.

    The endgame. I think the goal is to lead a happy and healthy life whatever this means to each of us.
  10. TheLongWalk

    TheLongWalk Active Member

    Day 2

    I relapsed yesterday to MO. The past few days, I have been incredibly horny that it almost became unbearable. I even started leaking precum randomly during the day which was very uncomfortable to say the least. Therefore I decided to take off the edge and MO. I'm a bit baffled, maybe hard mode is not the way to go for me. Maybe I should MO every 15 days or so but I really dunno. What I know is, that hard mode becomes really difficult the longer you go. Precum leakage, extreme horniness to name a few. It sucks.
  11. straightlines

    straightlines New Member

    34 days is an achievement! Congrats on the streak, yea it can get pretty tricky when you're in heat and no real outlet.

    Personally I would recommend against an escort to test your 90 days, better to use that as a celebration and change some more aspects of your life. Regarding chatting up girls, what's the worst that could happen? Just do it, enjoy the moment and don't take things personally or too seriously.
    TheLongWalk likes this.
  12. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    Hey man, wow! 34 days! That’s aw some man!

    Glad your doing so well!
  13. TheLongWalk

    TheLongWalk Active Member

    Day 12

    First the positive. The past few weeks have been completely clean p related. The urges to peek slowly fade. But unfortunately I know that they will return once I get further into my reboot. My horniness will increase drastically and I will start popping unwanted semis in inappropriate situations. The worst is the leaking of precum. I guess, I will be able to prevent it, if deny every sex or porn related thoughts but this is very hard. I will give it another go and see if I manage to battle through it all. If I won't succeed, I might give a "soft mode" reboot another try where I allow myself to masturbate every 14 days. MO completely kills the urge to look at P for me and it doesn't lead me back to P. Maybe hard mode is not for me. We'll see.
  14. TheLongWalk

    TheLongWalk Active Member

    Day 10

    I'm back after a little hiatus where I relapsed to PMO here and there.

    First of all, I'm making a few changes in my reboot. I will ditch the attempt to do a hard mode reboot. At the moment it is simply not working for me. It always goes like this: I abstain for 10-20 days and then I relapse to porn because I fail to manage the urges. Not only do I lack the willpower to do it but also enthusiasm and the hope for a better future. Therefore, I will now allow myself the occasional masturbation. Why? Because for me M completely kills the urge to look at P. The bigger dragon to slay is definitely my P addiction/compulsive P viewing behaviour. I will only masturbate when I have urges and I aim for only one M session per week. That's all for now.
  15. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    good luck with your new plan bud.

    Hard mode is very difficult I am the same as you, I manage to do 10 - 18 days and then the urges get the best of me.

    I'll have to keep an eye on your progress.
  16. PillePalle

    PillePalle Member

    Seems to be working for me, too. I chose to allow MO and have managed to stay away from P way better than before. Sometimes I M two days in a row, sometimes twice a week, sometimes not at all for two weeks. Slowly I am feeling better with the P demon losing its grasp. I'll keep an eye on your progress as well
  17. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    Hey man, thanks for the message yesterday n my journal.

    Sorry to hear your having trouble like myself.

    Sometimes shit happens and we just fall off the wagon a bit, but I’m sure if we just keep at this one day we will get clean!
    TheLongWalk likes this.
  18. TheLongWalk

    TheLongWalk Active Member

    Day 7

    Disregard the counter, currently I'm unable to reset it. Had a real harsh last two weeks. I decided to discontinue taking my meds because I felt stable enough to do so. In result, I wasn't able to sleep anymore (there was a period where I was awake for three days straight :confused:) and had the worst rumination attacks. I was contemplating suicide on several occasions. Thus, I went to my doc and got on the meds again. As of now, it seems that I'm not able to function properly without them. What a reality check.

    Of course, as everything was crashing down, I turned to P. Last PMO was on wednesday last week. Since then, I was able to stay totally clean. I think one of my mistakes is that I plan too far ahead. For instance, when I reach 90 days, will I go to a prostitute or start dating again, and so on and so forth. The past few days, I found it to be helpful to only concentrate on the current task at hand which is to simply stay away from P this very day. Staying away from P for 3-12 months seems almost impossible (at the moment), but when I focus on simply staying sober for one day, it instantly feels manageable. So I'm going to continue handling it like that.

    Stay strong, everyone!
  19. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    Good plan about focusing on the year and now, I like that!

    Most task are easier to complete when broken down into smaller chunks :)
  20. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Active Member

    Hey TheLongWalk.

    Hope you're doing ok - the suicidal thoughts don't sound like fun. That is a lonely and scary place. Good job you posted on here about it.

    Coming of meds is a risky business. It is quite common for people to want to do so by going cold-turkey, but this can have some severe effects, as it sounds like you've experienced. Weaning yourself off them slowly is much gentler on your emotions.

    On the subject of PMO, my last relapse sent me plummeting into the worst depressions I'd ever experienced. These post relapse/binge depressions are far worse than the general daily, numbing and familiar depressions I have always experienced while using. This is not a surprise, of course, as such painful feelings are exactly what we are attempting to manage and prevent ourselves from feeling with our addictions and fixes.

    Hope you're on the up again soon!
    Last edited: Nov 16, 2017 at 8:50 AM

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