Tearing Down the Walls, Part 2.

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Billy B., Oct 23, 2016.

  1. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    Haha! If only I had that problem...

    I've been on here a while today (on other threads) so I think I will log off and work on some of my daily maintenance tasks.

    Thanks Bobby J!

    More update, soon, I hope. :)
  2. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!


    All sorts of trouble with internet o_O so may be a lil' scarce the next week or so.

    Stay strong, stay flexible and, since Musicman is steppin' back, I'll adopt his...

    One Day at a Time :cool:
    Newman8888 and bobjes like this.
  3. titan_transcendence

    titan_transcendence Well-Known Member

    Your outgoing enthusiasm is exemplary. Im sure you will come a long way in this journey. :)
    Billy B. likes this.
  4. 40New30

    40New30 Keep going

    Wait until later in your reboot to quit smoking. I'm quitting chewing tobacco and caffeine at the moment and I don't think they is any way I could have done this early on in this reboot, it's too much stress. Stress can drive you back to porn.

    Billy, I had serious depression symptoms around the time period you're going through right now, so just try to take it easy when you're not working. Don't booze and workout like it's a religion.

    I still get depression symptoms, but they are so few and far between it doesn't even matter much -- I am on no medication even though I do take a lot of herbs and stuff, as you probably remember. Keep going.
  5. Rex

    Rex PMO free is the only way it's going to be for me.


    Great quote - "one day at a time", it's a great approach!

    Hope you get your Internet issues resolved soon.

    Billy B. likes this.
  6. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    Onya, 40.

    Cheers for the heads up and the advice.

    I'm still smoking o_O but yeah, one battle front at a time.

    I've had a last minute trip interstate so come to visit youse via Smartphone. My counter isn't visible but i must be in my high eighties. :)

    Had some challenges/trigger-fuel this trip: potential cuddles with a special she that never panned out; some tension with friends; exhausted run down; beautiful, funky, fascinating women all around me....

    But no slips!

    Last night at bed time was the most difficult: alternate nostril breathing and opening up to the posibility of a 'power greater than myself' - both helped to calm me, to shift my mood-state into a more peaceful mode.

    And I've had a good time. Dancing. Swimming. Catchin' up with folks. Even to hangout with that Special She was a treat (regardless of no cuddles) and the tension with friends is 99% resolved.

    So, great!

    Go well till soon, Brothers. Stay strong (and flexible). I hope to get back to your own stories sooooooooon.

    As the MMan always reminded us: One Day at a Time. :cool:

    Peace. Xx
  7. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Hey BillyB, just checking in to let you know I've been thinking about you, Mate. Sending positive vibes your way:)
  8. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    Thanks, mate! :)
  9. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    Day 93 > Friday.

    So, interesting times.

    My emotions have been all over the shop, last couple days. Last night, for example, I was layin' in bed contemplating suicide. My history of depression means these thoughts aren't unusual in themselves... on the other hand, it's rare these days I get caught up in them.... mostly I'm aware that it's an (old) habit of a stressed mind (one that, at the time, didn't have the tools to deal with such strong emotions). Not last night! Even this morning I felt completely over-whelmed and uninspired but I pushed through: I went to work (busking, figurin' that I can always come home if it's too much), but a few songs in (and a lil' posi-feedback from the punters) and I was away. No probs!

    Go figure.

    I was pretty knackered when I got home (we had another power blackout last night, it was hot and sticky and no good tryna sleep without the fan) so I had a lil' Nanna-nap, this arfty. I woke up groggy, but I've come good again. I've tidied up some and even made it to the shops (where I noticed a lil' bounce in my step).

    Crazy sexy dreams the last couple nights (I don't recall anything like that over the last few weeks). I had about three orgasms in my dreams but none in my sleep. o_O. I don't think I've ever had an orgasm-dream (it's a whole other story), never had a wet-dream, either.

    Shame they where a lil' creepy and quite porno, these dreams. Psychedelic, though, and quite exciting and adventurous, even the not-sexy bits. So that's good.

    All in all, I'm generally better off than before I began this process.

    And in some specific ways I'm definitely better off.

    Like how I've noticed myself walkin' tall. Sure, consciously I know that I can feel better about myself, because I'm cleaner, but it runs much deeper than that, I'm just... feeling prouder, stronger and more confident, less.... frazzled (even when I'm not thinkin' about "I have a right to feel better, because...", or whatever).

    I was writin' on Harvest's wall:

    ...having been on the pointy end of other's emotional upsets recently, I noticed that I'm better at managing my own emotional response than I would have been before the re-boot. I'm sure of that.

    What else?

    I've got a lot more time on my hands!

    I feel much, much better about if I meet someone special... that I'm in a much better place to explore that.

    Even rejection is something that effects me less, now that I can't just bury it under a flood of PMO. I have to sit with it, more or less, and the pleasant surprise is that it's not so bad, after all. No need to take it personally or even let it drag me down. It can be disappointing, yes. Is it worth agonising over? No. Move on.

    Despite the ups and downs associated with withdrawal, and despite the fact that I've still got some baggage to deal with, I'm in a much healthier place than I was 3 months ago. If other's experience is anything to go by (and if I'm average), I've got maybe a few more months of reboot related ups and downs but many more months of positive changes (in fact, a life-time) to look fwd to.

    Stay Gold, Brothers.

    I couldna got this far without yas.

    - Peace. :cool:
  10. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Yup, this sums it up. We still get the downs with the ups, but over all everything gets better; life feels worth living. Proud of you!
  11. 40New30

    40New30 Keep going

    It takes a long time, man.

    You're absolutely crushing it...please, please, please just keep going whatever happens. I'm seeing changes at Month 8 that I never have before and I know it's just the beginning for me.

    I had the first web dream of my life a few weeks ago, as you might recall.

    I wish it wasn't such a long process and I wish binge relapses didn't bring it all crashing down (they do), but that is the way it is...so all you have to do is stay clean, do whatever it takes to stay clean...I know you will.
  12. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    Thanks, Man!

    And thanks to you, 40. I try to keep that in mind (that many positive changes are ahead) when I'm feeling flat or feeling that things are dragging. Luckily I don't really feel drawn to PMO, no strong cravings or urges, though I have had moments lately when I remember how pleasurable it can be in the moment... pretty easy to side-step that though, cause I'm cuncurrently well aware of how self-defeating it is, of how strongly I don't want it as part of my life, of my psyche. I am well and truly committed to the process.
  13. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    Day 95> Sunday

    Pretty bloody flat still. It's not uncommon, I gather, for folks to have some emotional struggles at around this mark (keeping in mind that it's mostly different for everyone). In any case, the probability that these depressive feelings are at least partly reboot-related helps me to not only remember that they will pass, but makes them less painful perhaps, because, if it's happening for that reason (that I'm in withdrawal) then that's a good thing: it means I'm gettin' clean.

    What seems to be happening, and it's fairly predictable, I guess, is that... I've mentioned that I was a serial monogamist, chronically addicted to romance and (to a lesser extent) sex. Ultimately addicted to the validation that seems to go hand-in-hand with these experiences... at least, with the validation I ascribed to them. I've made huge gains on this the last few years, learning how to love myself and to appreciate platonic affection (and the validation inherent within), developing these alternatives (because that is what a healthy psyche looks like, but also) as a kind of shield against feeling like I need to be with a woman or in a romantic relationship in order to feel 'okay' about myself (Rex!).

    So, predictable because the PMO was no doubt helping me to suppress the dregs of that old thinking, that old pattern, and now that it's gone.... Gawd, I feel lonely, often. Lonely for that romantic feeling when I know there's someone thinkin' of me fondly, wanting to send time with me, connecting. Dreams and waking-flashbacks from past relationships accompanied by deep, painful longings. I've been trying to sit with it, to let myself cry when I can, with the intention of not giving it energy, but acknowledging, observing and releasing that energy. Hard bloody work!

    Also not surprising, is that when I'm not in flatline (it's all a bit random and variable) I'm feelin' very, very toey, indeed. That's more about a desire for raunch than connection, Many times I think to rub one out but I'm going to put that on the back burner for a while to give myself the best chance to get rebooted (and avoid, hopefully, the chaser). Reboot sex: the moment my mood stabilises... I should say, when I'm reasonably confident that reboot-related depression is behind me I'll get on-line and see if I can't tee up something casual (but connected and respectful).

    I've been noticing the resurgence of an old unhelpful thought response: when I see a beautiful woman and experience desire, and if I'm feeling bad about myself, the thought comes that "It doesn't matter anyway (that I'm alone) cause I'm shit (and she would never be interested, anyway)". I try to... not so much to fight it but remind myself that it's unhelpful and that, yeah, it doesn't matter because I'm okay! Because I'm gettin' clean and healthy and learning how to be satisfied single and that chances are I will connect again with a lovely she at some stage down the track: there's no rush.

    It helps.

    Tonight I go to visit my good friends in suburbia. If I can get some one-on-one time with the She it might be good to download/debrief (she knows something about this journey) but even if not, they're great company these peeps, and their two small children absolutely fill my heart with joy.

    Hopefully I can feel less overwhelmed, tomorrow, or that at least I can push on (gently) and get some important jobs done.

    Stay strong, Brothers.

    Stay Gold.
  14. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    Day 96> Monday

    Transverse fracture, middle phalange, right hand (may as well call it broken).

    Lucky I don't need that finger to work (or financially I would find myself in dire straights)!

    The physio didn't charge me for his time, either, just only for the splint. I am blessed! The receptionist said he's not into chocolate so he got a juicy fresh mango, instead.

    Silver lining: Doc reckons that cigarettes will slow the healing process. I'd already put a patch on yesterday and was feeling motivated but this is a bonus driver that I'm very, very thankful for.

    40 counselled me to beware of challenging multiple addictions at once but with a patch on the smoking thing isn't so bad. I feeeeeeel like one sometimes but I don't get actual cravings and the mood swings are minimal.

    Rollin' on to a healthier and happier me.

    Still a bit flat, today, yet I already feel like I have more energy than I did 24hrs ago when I was starving my body of oxygen (and pumpin' it full of poison) every half hour or so.

    Ploddin' on, kickin' some goals.

    I look fwd to when the frequency and intensity of re-boot related depression subsides.

    This is the best thing I could have done for myself at this time.

    Stay Strong, Brothers!

  15. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    On second thoughts, it was most likely, concurrently, feeding my addiction to romantic/sexual engagement. While taking the edge off, it stymied my ability to engage those feelings and process them effectively and, of course, suppressing any emotion means it will find a (usually less healthy) way to express itself.

    Last edited: Jan 22, 2017
  16. bobjes

    bobjes Active Member

    Take it easy Billy B Brother. On yourself, your right hand and the She. :):);)
    Billy B. likes this.
  17. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    Cheers man. Yeah, we're cool, me an She: friendship is the most important. :)
  18. 40New30

    40New30 Keep going

    It's challenging, but if you're doing it...just keep doing it...better to kill 3 birds at once than just 2. The danger is too much stress ripping everything apart and then going on a binge in all addictions. Just monitor your stress levels.
  19. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    I hear ya, 40. I've been down that road before.

    PS I said that I only have one coffee a day but that's not quite true. I've realised that it's a three cup percolator, so that's one strong coffee! Often, also, I'll even brew another one, dilute it into a flask, and take it to work so that ends up being six coffees on those days. Worth noting!

    I had an instant coffee this morning and, while far less satisfying, it seemed to be easier on my guts. My digestion has been less than optimal for many years. Lately, the last week or so I've been shitting five or six times a day, lil' ones only, pasty ones (apologies!). I know that when I cut out coffee and cigs I can get bit backed up so am prepared for a period of discomfort. In the past, impatience has led me back to smoking and coffee but this time I'll sit with it.

    I've got some Kafir grains (pro-biotic) and psyllium-husk cut 50/50 with a product called Motion Potion (which includes psyllium-husk, slippery elm, ginger and others including pro-biotics).

    Also, plan to get back to a glass of water with a dash of lemon (or lime) juice and a tbsp. of apple cider vinegar, first thing in the morning.

    Any other tips, folks?

    A lot of research lately suggests that gut health is strongly linked to psychological health.

    Given my history of depression (not to mention the fact that I'm challenging addictions), this is one of the things I aim to address more fully this year.
    Last edited: Jan 23, 2017
  20. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    Day 97> Tuesday

    Still feelin' pretty poorly.

    Brain fog, off and on, lot's of sadness comin' up. Sometimes I wish I could cry, easier. I try to let it... do it's thing, but it hasn't really come to the surface much.

    I feel like a good cry would be cathartic.

    Speaking of the gut-brain-emotion connection, I have felt an uncomfortableness in my tum the last week almost constantly... feels like guilt or shame. Because our minds try to make sense of feelings like this, I think, because I have a need to understand... I feel like... I'm 'guilty' of not lookin' after myself, of having made poor life choices which have brought me to this place of being poor and single and childless. It's worth keeping in mind that it's (arguably) preferable to be single and childless than caught up in divorce and custody battles, alimony, etc. Though it's certainly also true that children bring meaning (not to mention a stack of joy) into lives.

    It's also worth reminding myself that there are plenty of outwardly 'successful' people who are absolutely miserable, not to mention up to their eye-balls in debt or stuck in loveless partnerships or whatever.


    My intention is to accept that things are as they are, to appreciate my freedoms and celebrate my sucesses while continuing to work on the things I can change.

    Like active recovery for example.

    And getting back to keeping my place clean and organised.

    Tidy Shed: Tidy Head is an simple axiom that holds profound truth.

    Today I need to learn some new songs for my busking and to get a lil' bit more tidying up done around here.

    It's past noon and all I've done is breakfast and YBR.

    YBR is important, though, and a couple of hours of it is far, far preferable to five or six hours on the toss followed by and emotional crash!

    Big ups to you fellas.

    If you're feelin' good, milk it: take that energy and direct it towards creating a better life.

    If you're feeling shit, try to keep moving but be gentle on yourselves and remember that it's all part of the healing and that...

    It will pass.

    - Peace.
    Last edited: Jan 24, 2017

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