Tearing Down the Walls, Part 2.

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Billy B., Oct 23, 2016.

  1. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    This. It's easy to forget how our lives were before discovering about the addiction. Doubting the progress is bound to happen, I suppose. I mean, why wouldn't the addiction want us to go back? Remembering what was before is important.

    I wish you success with quitting smoking. But like the others say (and your advice to me): be wary of the effects it may have on the P addiction.
    Billy B. likes this.
  2. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    For sure the cigs are the lesser of three evils atm so, yeah, if i find I'm getting triggered elsewhere, I'll deffinately smoke instead. I felt pretty positive around it today, though. I'll journal on it soon.

    Good onya, mate. Thank you.
    Newman8888 likes this.
  3. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    I wonder that, too! I've never been fully convinced that these one's helped me, either. A year or so back, when I'd been managing my mood states effectively for a time, I had cut back to (what I recently learned was) a sub-therapeutic dose with no obvious changes in mood... it was only because of my recent up-set and the fact that I was already (still) on it that I decided to up the dose to full again, figuring I've nothing to lose.

    I'm still having this 4-6week cycle, though, if nothing has changed much in a few months I may talk to a psychiatrist (they know more about these things than yr average gp) about trying something else. On the other hand, if I'm doing much better in say 9-12 months (like I had been before my mate's suicide and all the other dramas) I will probably come off them slowly (and under supervision) to see how I go without.
    Last edited: May 16, 2017
  4. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    Yeah, thanks, E. Bobjes posted an article from Reboot nation which I still have to read properly but I glanced at it and it had an example of a reboot timeline that suggested a doubting and potential relapse is possible even well into recovery... perhaps because of being well into recovery as you say, it's easy to forget how bad it was.

    And thank you, I will be very, very wary of how the quitting cigs may impact my reboot.
    Newman8888 likes this.
  5. 40New30

    40New30 Keep going

    Relapse will always be possible...I mean like 10 years from after you've rebooted. That's not to say that you should worry about it, but you should always remember that it can happen and that should keep you safe from harm. You're never going to be immune...I got into that mentality and it caused me to crash very badly after two longish reboots!

    Billy B. and Newman8888 like this.
  6. fcjl8

    fcjl8 The only path for me

    How are things Billy? And, sadly relapse is possible even when we are far down the path as I have experienced a couple of times. You are strong and will not but never take freedom for granted. I have literally congratulated myself and fallen the next day or so.
    Billy B. likes this.
  7. 40New30

    40New30 Keep going

    I have to quit chewing tobacco, I starteded up again after quitting. So, I'm right here with ya.
    Billy B. likes this.
  8. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Hey, bro. What's going on? I guess you're probably sleeping, but I haven't seen you around today. Yeah, that's right...I miss you. :)
    Billy B. likes this.
  9. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    I've done the same thing countless times, and it has been literally seconds from when I've felt good about what I've accomplished, fejl8:(

    This shit is like quicksilver...
    Billy B. and Saville like this.
  10. titan_transcendence

    titan_transcendence Well-Known Member

    I hope that you are feeling all right today, Billy. Im bit worried by your absence from the board.
    Billy B. likes this.
  11. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Fuck you at, bro?!!!!
    Billy B. likes this.
  12. A New Man

    A New Man White Knuckle Brigade 2013

    I live in the same city as Billy. If anyone has any ideas how to contact him offline I can try to contact him.
    Last edited: May 20, 2017
    Billy B. likes this.
  13. Libertad

    Libertad Active Member

    Hi Billy B., I hope you are well. I wish you the best.
    Billy B. likes this.
  14. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Hey Billy B, you have been like clockwork posting here. Here's hoping your clock is still working, mate:D
    Billy B. likes this.
  15. Newman8888

    Newman8888 The wound is the place where the Light enters you

    Same here, Billy. I hope you're all right.
    Billy B. likes this.
  16. 40New30

    40New30 Keep going

    Hope you're well too, Billy.
    Billy B. likes this.
  17. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!


    I'm so sorry guys... I should've realised that such a sudden and unexplained absence might have caused youse concern.

    Please, please, accept my sincere apology.

    All is well, I have just been super-super busy.

    In a good way.

    I hope youse are all going strong...

    I can't say for sure I'll be back to check in on yas or to post an update before, say, Wednesday or Thursday, though it could be sooner.

    In the meantime, would youse do me a favour? If you happen to notice one or more of our brothers here is strugglin' (in any way), in danger of a slip or of throwin' in the towel or somethin', would you PM me, please? I'll get an email notification and, even if I'm busy, I can take a few minutes somewhere to post 'em some encouraging support or whatever.

    Big loves to youse.

    Apologise once again... :(
    Libertad and A New Man like this.
  18. Libertad

    Libertad Active Member

    Hi Billy B., I´m glad that you are ok and going strong. No apology needed but you have been so present on the forum for months that something was missing imidiatly when you left for a few days. The important thing is that you are ok. Keep it going.
    Billy B. likes this.
  19. A New Man

    A New Man White Knuckle Brigade 2013

    Hey Billy, good to know you're getting out there and rewiring to offline friends and the world. I'm very grateful for all the support you've given me over the past few months- you're a great bloke and i wish you every happiness (as much as is good for you anyway!). Drop in and let us know how you're doing! Your wisdom and example is inspiring.

    Cheers mate.
    Billy B. likes this.
  20. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    Thanks for all your posts guys. I really appreciate that youse missed me though I apologise again for causing some of you concern.

    Day 218> Thursday
    Hard Reboot: no P no Subs no M no O.

    Day 62> Cannabis-free

    Down from a not excessive but daily habit, more or less consistent the last few years.

    Day 62> Back on to a full dose (60mg) of anti-depressant (Duloxetine)

    Day 10> Off the ciggies and on to patches.

    So, still experiencing some fatigue it seems, that may or may not be reboot and/or withdrawal related. I had a bunch of blood tests recently and they all came back clear but I’m not sure if thyroid function was among them. I’ll be seeing the doctor again in a couple weeks and will ask. Fact is, I’m pushin’ 50 and not in great shape… as in, not fit or strong at all so it could simply be a matter of some more regular excersise.

    I went out to another gig last weekend and didn’t have the experience of feeling totally out of it, like last time… so, either I’m getting used to being pot-free or that wasn’t the main problem in the first place: I may have just been having an off night. Hmmm. I’m still not quite used to not being hyper-stimulated, though, I guess my brain chemistry is still trying to find it’s balance again. It’ll be okay.

    Generally I’ve been feeling quite okay. I did have a day in bed Tuesday depressed and have been a lil’ flat since but for most of the week before I was more or less motivated. It seems I’m still up and down every two to four weeks. It’ll be interesting to see if that settles as my clean streak (and my other clean-streak) stretches out.

    I’m extra flat this evening but that is more like my energy levels affecting my mood: I did a two hour busking session and that fucks me up when I’m outa shape for it, as I am at the moment.

    Being of the cigs doesn’t seem to have added any stress. In fact, I feel better for it. I adjusted my attitude so that I know I’m not giving anything up, I’m not missing out on anything so I can smile at the urges – they remind me that I’m on the path to freedom from it, that already my body and mind are better off, my car and house and clothes don’t stink and I’m saving money.

    Daily Self Care/ Active Recovery/ Moving Forward.

    Mornings have been much more productive since I stopped coming here first thing. Trouble is that in the evenings I don’t feeling like coming here so much. I think you will see less of me as a result, but that doesn’t mean I don’t love yas. Like I wrote in an earlier post though, if you happen to notice one of our brothers in trouble, heading for a slip or a relapse, feeling despondent or even just generally in need of some support, please, do send me a private message and will log on, especially.

    Three or four times in the last fortnight I’ve managed to push through my afternoon slump but my sleeping is generally up the shit regardless. I’ll keep working on that.

    I haven’t worked at busking for months until this time last week and again toda,y I did short sessions. So things are looking up. I will try to do at least one more session this weekend and see if I can’t slowly work up to regular shifts again. I need to, I am sooooo broke!

    I finally made it back to yoga for the first time in months, today. Lucky it was ‘restorative’ (gentle week) this week as even the restorative class was hard bloody work. I know from experience though, that it only takes a few weeks of regular (bi-weekly) classes for the muscle-memory to kick in, for it to get easier and more enjoyable and for me to start feeling better for it, generally. Hopefully I can keep this up for long enough to get over that hump. I sorely need to if I want to increase my stamina and energy levels.

    Other things are bit off and on. I’m eating okay and managing to keep my place reasonably tidy but I need to get my meditation routine a-happenin’.

    Slowly, slowly.

    Today I am Grateful for:


    -Bein’ off the cigs.

    -My relatively affluent first-world existence.

    #I gave myself a haircut.

    +Moving house.

    # = An act of kindness (no matter how small) I witnessed or participated in.
    + = Something I am looking forward to.
    Newman8888 and bobjes like this.

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