Tearing Down the Walls, Part 2.

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Billy B., Oct 23, 2016.

  1. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    Good onya, man.

    It's getting a bit late for me update, now (I don't even like to be on the computer this close to bed time), but I have had some minor breakthroughs and I look fwd to sharing.
  2. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    Day 207> Sunday
    Hard Reboot: no P no Subs no M no O.
    Day 51> Cannabis-free
    Down from a not excessive but daily habit, more or less consistent the last few years.
    Day 51> Back on to a full dose (60mg) of anti-depressant (Duloxetine)

    I’ve felt just a lil’ bit better for most of the last few days, I guess. I think I might have a bit of a cycle, maybe about a month or six weeks long with something of a peek and trough in energy levels and mood/outlook at either end. Nothing like the manic and then depressed that I experienced a number of years ago but worth keeping an eye on.

    Either way, I just try to be mindful when I’m feeling down that it will pass. I and also when I’m up, as it’s easy to forget that nothing is permanent and it’s good to make use of that energy and/or inspiration while it’s floating about.

    Today I saw my family which can and did, bring me down. They’re okay, not a bad lot at all, really, just that I have trouble relating to them and that makes me a lil’ sad.

    Aaar, it is what it is.

    After, I went to see a fella who I’ve had some issues with. He had some stuff of mine and I’ve been putting it off because I was nervous about the conversation I thought we needed to have (he had acted very disrespectfully towards me the last time we worked together). In the event it was easy enough to ignore the topic all together. It doesn’t really matter because I’m done with him as friend, at least as far as any desire to deepen the friendship (he’s not interested in being authentic, really) so can just let it go. I don’t hold nothing against him. He is generous and has good qualities just some major issues with anger. Not my problem, anymore.

    Still quite proud of myself though, because it took quite a lot of presence to sit the waves of discomfort washing over me on the way to his place. And it’s done, now. One less thing I need to have hangin’ over my head.

    Daily Self Care/ Active Recovery/ Moving Forward.

    I’ve had a minor breakthrough with this. Although there is some brain-chemistry involved in my relationship to this space (if feels a lil’ like when I was hooked on FB) it’s also true that, because of the time difference, most of you tend to post overnight (my time) so it’s natural that I’d want to check the alerts of a morning. Anyhow, it’s been interesting not coming here first thing, observing the urge to do so (it’s surprisingly strong) and resolving to take practical action instead. Not that coming here isn’t an important part of recovery, just that I don’t need to do it in the morning. The mornings is when I’m most clear headed and energised and the last few days I’ve managed to get a whole lot done with that energy and it seems that I’m less inclined to want to sleep in the afternoon… perhaps because I’ve been active rather than sitting in front of the computer for a couple hours first thing.

    So, good one. I can probably improve on this by getting into a exercise routine. One step at a time, though.

    I appreciate Saville’s sentiment. Withdrawal can take it out of one and it’s important to get enough rest. On the other hand, I still want to get out of the habit of daytime sleeps because my body-clock has come to expect them and that fucks me up when I need to go to work (for example). The afternoons and early eve is generally peek busking time and, given that I haven’t worked for months and am having no luck in generating the resolve to do so – the afternoon slump is something that needs to be addressed. If I need extra sleep I’m better off, I think, taking a lil’ more over night. If I need rest I can just take it easy, rather than actually sleeping in the day. That’s the plan, anyhow.

    An important point is that it’s not even always about needing to sleep, but wanting to avoid the challenges I face. It’s an opportunity to switch off and… sure, I give myself a break for that, things are tough at the minute but I need to be working towards at least being more present with stuff (rather than avoiding), even while being gentle and allowing myself some downtime.

    In general, I’ve been doing a bit better the last few days with Daily Self Care, Active Recovery and Moving Forward.

    - Back to alternate nostril breathing at bed time (21 cycles which can really help me get into sleep mode).

    -Knocking off tasks that have been hangin’ over my head.

    -Meditating some (need to get more disciplined)

    -Eating reasonably well.

    -I’ve been reading the SLAA literature and thinking about how much of it relates to me and whether the program is something I’d like to take on (I likely will).

    Room for improvement:

    I would like to be engaging my passions more (guitar, nature, yoga, cycling, etc). And I need to get back to work soon (I keep saying this but can’t seem to push through) and maybe get some lil’ bit cardio going (even if that’s just through cycling or bushwalking).

    I’ll get there. I’m not gonna beat myself up (except for maybe sometimes!) because it’s hard to get motivated and take pleasure when one’s brain-chemistry is all messed up and is still in the process of balancing.

    Slowly, slowly, I’m on the improve.

    Today I am Grateful for:

    -Having got my stuff back from Bugalugs (tick!).

    -I have some lil’ bit talent I can draw on (singing and guitaring).

    -You guys, here.

    #I tried to set my invalid mother up with some music to help make her days in the nursing home more tolerable. I went to a lot of effort and it didn’t work out, today, but I think I can make it happen.

    +Getting myself a lil’ dog when I finally move out of this dump. .

    # = An act of kindness (no matter how small) I witnessed or participated in.
    + = Something I am looking forward to.
  3. titan_transcendence

    titan_transcendence Well-Known Member

    Very good stuff what you wrote about, Billy. Im happy you have felt little better at times, at least. It surely is long way to go, but we have all the time left to us for this journey. ;) With that I mean that this task will never be finished, but surely a man can go a long way by putting good effort and awareness of one's issues and life in general.
    I liked a lot of your thought to get a little dog, when its proper time to do so. :) The animals can be a real joy, their sincerity and unspoiled zest for life (no matter what). To them, every day is an another adventure to relish. It many times bring a tear in my eye to think how I miss that kind of company. When children, I had cats and dogs and other little critters as a company. Now for many years I have not had opportunity to have any pets, and felt that there has been a profound lack in my life because of that.
    You are on the good path, even that it surely feels at times a tedious and there will be dark moments, we are not astray in the darkness anymore. Surely, things will be and already are better than before, when we lived only as an addicts, without much awareness or real effort to change anything.
  4. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Good job dropping the dickhead. :D Validation always comes from within. Progress!

    This is so cool!

    Pick one thing and do it! This gives momentum to do pick up other things. Just like with a reboot, reclaiming a passion is a verb.

    I agree with TT - dogs are awesome! :)
    Billy B. likes this.
  5. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Same here. Unfortunately they do not vanish, and personally, screwing with my sleep schedule has never been a good idea. Sometimes the naps are just sooo alluring, though...

    Sounds good about the improvements. Everything doesn't have to change at the same time. The small steps will get you there eventually, and probably on a safer road than one that is rushed.
    Billy B. likes this.
  6. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    You are sooooo right, Titan. Today, in a down moment, I wondered briefly what was the point of all this sobriety if I'm still going to feel like shit sometimes, still be single, still be struggling with getting on with my life. Then I did a reality check: the fact is that I do feel better quite a lot of the time but that's not even the point because, even if the benefits were only ever minimal, I'm still better off without the pmo in my life. I have more time, for a start. And am free from that desperate uncontrollable craving that could never be satiated, also. Free from the shame and guilt and no longer giving my preciousness to that which is a filthy lie.

    And as you say, we're gathering awareness and developing the potential for positive change in ways that were not possible when we were still caught in the cycle of addiction.

    It's a no brainer.
  7. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    Yes. I might have to approach it a little like I would an addiction, I think. Just sit with discomfort as much as possible, distract myself if I need to. It's really a tough one!

    You dead right, E. I have learned from experience that having unrealistic expectations of myself, biting off more than I can chew, usually back fires. I end up undoing all my good work by backsliding all over the place. Slow and steady wins the race.
  8. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    Good advice, mate.
  9. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    Day 208> Monday
    Hard Reboot: no P no Subs no M no O.

    Day 52> Cannabis-free

    Down from a not excessive but daily habit, more or less consistent the last few years.

    Day 52> Back on to a full dose (60mg) of anti-depressant (Duloxetine)

    Day 01> Off the ciggies and on to patches.

    Lil’ bit rough, today.

    I've had some mild urges to p or sub or mo the last few days. Easy enough to breath through. Not an option.

    Some waves of fatigue, again, though I’m thankful they are sparser in frequency and marginally less intense than they had been for most of the Reboot, so far.

    Daily Self Care/ Active Recovery/ Moving Forward.

    Still, I’ve managed to get a few things done, even if I did bomb out in bed for a couple of hours in the afternoon.

    I’m exhausted again sitting here (it’s early eve) but will go out to do my grocery shopping and eat something healthy when I return.

    Not 100% sure if now is the right time to stop smoking (I would like to have prepared myself more) but I’m gonna give it a red-hot go. Mostly I’m able to smile at the urges because I’m making a positive and healthy choice. I’m not smoking, and that’s why I feel as though I'm missing it (when I smoke I almost always wish I wasn't).

    Today I am Grateful for:

    -This process which has taught me much and is beginning to show benefits.

    -I have a roof over my head.

    -And clean running water.

    #My friend (Dsy) from interstate called to check in.

    +Getting well.

    # = An act of kindness (no matter how small) I witnessed or participated in.
    + = Something I am looking forward to.
    Newman8888 likes this.
  10. 40New30

    40New30 Keep going

    It the stressed builds too high and you're getting triggered for P or other addictions I'd say take a smoke or two and try again in a few months.

    I used to get triggered from coffee and alcohol, and now I don't get triggered anymore at all from these substances. It takes a while to build up your stress muscles, but who knows maybe you're ready to quit the smokes right now?! Good luck.
    Billy B. likes this.
  11. fcjl8

    fcjl8 The only path for me

    Hi Billy,

    So good that you were able to "breathe" your way through the mild urges! You have and are kicking a lot of stuff to the curb all at once including cigs... that is strong. I saw that you are taking an antidepressant SNRI... I have been taking 10mg of SSRI for just over a month now for anxiety/depression. I have often wondered how a doc knows to prescribe SSRI or SNRI ?? I think they kind of guess at first?

    Stay well brother!
    Billy B. likes this.
  12. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    This. It's easy to forget how our lives were before discovering about the addiction. Doubting the progress is bound to happen, I suppose. I mean, why wouldn't the addiction want us to go back? Remembering what was before is important.

    I wish you success with quitting smoking. But like the others say (and your advice to me): be wary of the effects it may have on the P addiction.
    Billy B. likes this.
  13. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    For sure the cigs are the lesser of three evils atm so, yeah, if i find I'm getting triggered elsewhere, I'll deffinately smoke instead. I felt pretty positive around it today, though. I'll journal on it soon.

    Good onya, mate. Thank you.
    Newman8888 likes this.
  14. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    I wonder that, too! I've never been fully convinced that these one's helped me, either. A year or so back, when I'd been managing my mood states effectively for a time, I had cut back to (what I recently learned was) a sub-therapeutic dose with no obvious changes in mood... it was only because of my recent up-set and the fact that I was already (still) on it that I decided to up the dose to full again, figuring I've nothing to lose.

    I'm still having this 4-6week cycle, though, if nothing has changed much in a few months I may talk to a psychiatrist (they know more about these things than yr average gp) about trying something else. On the other hand, if I'm doing much better in say 9-12 months (like I had been before my mate's suicide and all the other dramas) I will probably come off them slowly (and under supervision) to see how I go without.
    Last edited: May 16, 2017
  15. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    Yeah, thanks, E. Bobjes posted an article from Reboot nation which I still have to read properly but I glanced at it and it had an example of a reboot timeline that suggested a doubting and potential relapse is possible even well into recovery... perhaps because of being well into recovery as you say, it's easy to forget how bad it was.

    And thank you, I will be very, very wary of how the quitting cigs may impact my reboot.
    Newman8888 likes this.
  16. 40New30

    40New30 Keep going

    Relapse will always be possible...I mean like 10 years from after you've rebooted. That's not to say that you should worry about it, but you should always remember that it can happen and that should keep you safe from harm. You're never going to be immune...I got into that mentality and it caused me to crash very badly after two longish reboots!

    Billy B. and Newman8888 like this.
  17. fcjl8

    fcjl8 The only path for me

    How are things Billy? And, sadly relapse is possible even when we are far down the path as I have experienced a couple of times. You are strong and will not but never take freedom for granted. I have literally congratulated myself and fallen the next day or so.
    Billy B. likes this.
  18. 40New30

    40New30 Keep going

    I have to quit chewing tobacco, I starteded up again after quitting. So, I'm right here with ya.
    Billy B. likes this.
  19. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Hey, bro. What's going on? I guess you're probably sleeping, but I haven't seen you around today. Yeah, that's right...I miss you. :)
    Billy B. likes this.
  20. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    I've done the same thing countless times, and it has been literally seconds from when I've felt good about what I've accomplished, fejl8:(

    This shit is like quicksilver...
    Billy B. and Saville like this.

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