Day 157> Saturday Still profoundly depressed. S'only a small part of me that beleives this can pass and that I might not have to be dealing with such like off and on for the rest of my life. If I knew for sure that I would, I would deffinately find a way to end it cause this is no way to live. Only hope and pray that this most recent bout will end soon so's I can find the strength and courage to again work Active Recovery and address further my mental health issues.
I guess you're right, mate. Hopelessness, unfortunately, is what comes over me when I'm depressed like this, though. Just doing my best to ride it out... don't really have a choice. Fuck this shit. Seriously.
Heeeey, great to hear from you guys. I'll be home tomorrow and posting a chunky up date here sometime this week. What a relief! The Reboot Nation experience has been good for me but I'm very, very grateful to be back. Peace to yas.
Im glad we do not lose you to another forum. You are one of the most amazing guys in here, your support means a lot to many people in here, Im sure of that! Interested to hear your latest news.
I saw a few of you guys over at Reboot Nation. I didn't sign up, myself, as I decided if YBP was gone forever then I was going to try and go it alone. I look forward to your update!
Fellas! It's great to be back and to see you all here, again. I'm flat out the next day or so but really looking forward to posting an update. I will endeavour to make time for it this evening.
Oh, I've been reading on here a commenting some but haven't found the time or energy for an update. I'm almost three weeks clear of my daily pot habit which I'm pleased about but it's (intense) brain-fog all over again, and I feel sleepy and disconnected most of the time. My research suggests that the worst of it should pass quite soon, though it can take around 45 days to clear completely from the system. Withdrawals will pass but recovery, as with any addiction, is a long term prospect. I'm up for it! Really, really looking fwd to more clarity of thought and capacity to acheive. The challenge of course, will be in addressing the underlying issues that drew me towards an addictive lifestyle in the first place, finding healthy ways to process emotion, etc. Hopefully I can get back to regular updates soon. Cheers for checkin' in, mate. Its tough times at the minute but all with a noble purpose in mind.
Giving up pot is huge for you. I'm absolutely in favor of people smoking pot, and think it should be legal everywhere, but it can be another escape for addicts. After not having smoked pot for years, I tried it twice at Xmas time. I enjoyed it, but I also knew that it was an attempt at escape, because I no longer use P. I had a huge addiction to pot when I was young and so it isn't surprising that I would return to it once my favored drug (PMO) was removed. You're an inspiration. Your struggles are eminently worthy of someone so special as yourself.
Oh wow! Giving up a daily pot habit is definitely a bit stressful, I've read about it, I've talked to guys that have done it. Please take extra good care of yourself. Sleep, rest, relaxation, be social, laugh, walk, exercise, create, vent. I just saw a study that said a very small subset of people can get very addicted to weed, it's like 12% of those that try it. I smoked a lot in college and now just dabble, no cravings. Used to be a big drinker, and I haven't taken a drink in months, quit smoking, quit chewing tobacco. No 'drug' substance came close to porn for me...porn was my biggest high by far! That's how I'm wired up. I did use to smoke week and cigarettes during edging marathons. I find no urge to PMO when I've smoked a bit of weed here or there nowadays, I will never smoke a cigarette again. I am a proponent of occasional psychedelic use, for those in a healthy, happy place...they're great makers of positive changes and insights. But, that's just me. Take good care!
Thanks guys, yeah, I also feel that cannabis can have many benefits if it's used mindfully and with specific purposes in mind. When I was in the worst of my depressive period (around 04/05) I was still only using every 4-6 weeks and it would pull me right out of my misery and help me to see where my own thoughts had become my worst enemy. I was able to then even bring that wisdom back with me as I sobered up, was able to get on with looking after myself. Funnily enough, as the frequency of my use increased (up to a point) the ability to manage my mental health did also... but it wasn't all the pot's doing (if at all), I was also having treatment and learning strategies like Mindfulness, CBT, etc. A few important points. Back then, I grew my own from what seemed to be heritage cultivars. Lately, prolly the last twelve months or so, I've mostly only been able to source gear from unknown sources, which generally means hydroponically grown stuff that's very high in THC (what's been selected for the last 50 years or so) but that seems to contain less of the more salubrious chemical compounds (one of the reasons I'm in favour of legalisation and research). I never used to touch that stuff (cause I could feel the difference: it didn't help me much at all) but since I became addicted or whatever I felt that I had no choice. In hindsight I'd have been better off having an enforced tolerance-break until I could get hold of some bush-weed of some sort. If I'd done that, I may have been able to avoid getting into the daily-habit that has fucked me . Back when I was using only every month or so, I'd pull out my journal and jot all the wisdom down. I'd always end up asking myself: if I can see this clearly when I'm stoned, why not when I'm sober? And how can I learn to think more clearly without it? My answer would invariably be another question. My thinking was (and is) that, because the pot would provide me an 'enlightened' perspective, perhaps a regular meditation practice would get me into a space where I can access this wisdom more consistently? Somewhere during that period I found myself on the train, heading to the beach, scrawling in my journal a whole heap of wisdom and realised... I'm not stoned, but I have been meditating regularly.... Bing! Of course, a lil' bit like physical exercise, once we start to feel better, it's tempting to slacken off and that's what happened. Which is a good reminder for me to get serious about meditation, now. I've been trying to get into a routine since I started reboot but it's been fits and starts, I'm afraid. And of course, for whatever reason, my relationship to cannabis has become unhealthy, more or less only doing to try and feel vaguely normal (addiction) and definitely as a maladaptive coping strategy to deal with uncomfortable emotions and an attempt to avoid the responsibility I need to take seriously if I'm going to create a life worth living. I realised last night that what I've been experiencing as withdrawals may well be as much to do with the change in my anti-depressant medication: I had been on what I found out was a sub-therapeutic dose and now on a full dose since almost the same day I stopped the pot. This stuff can have a settling in period of six to eight weeks and the side effects can be varied. I do feel slightly better this morning so, fingers crossed, I like to hope that there is only less discomfort to come and that it will pass quickly. I have been.... not quite anxious but... nervous is prolly a good word, butterfly's in my tummy, I have been slightly fatigued... but more so just sleepy a lot of the time (that seems to be a subconscious avoidance strategy too, at times) and the brain-fog has been killer. Thanks again so much for your support and kind words (all of you). Now that I've tapped out an essay here, I'll have a break from the computer but maybe post a proper update (with my gratefulness list and that), soon. Peace to ya's.
I have found CBT to be really helpful. Training the mind to think creatively, positively, affirmatively is where it's at. You have a lot on your plate, but you're dealing really well with it all, Billie.
Thanks, man. I've actually been at the hospital the last few hours 'cause my 93yo mother fell out of her chair and cracked her head! After all the scans and Xrays etc she's in surprisingly good spirits and clear to go home, thank goodness. I'm also thankful I wasn't stoned when I got the call. Despite still feeling slightly wobbly with withdrawals I can see that I actually am calmer and clearer than I might have been when I was still on it, daily. Our relationship is strained... not because she's hard work, particularly, but because of the baggage I have around my upbringing, her emotional unavailability a big part of that. I bear no grudge, of course, forgave her years ago and thanked her for doin' her best (which was actually quite good, considering her own background) but being around her has often brought up a lot of sadness in me... sadness about how her own fear of intimacy left me cold, feeling disconnected and un-loved as a child, and how that set me up to be desperate for connection and validation as an adult. It's been good, this evening. I've had to put my feelings aside and be here for her and... I actually feel like I may have turned a corner, that perhaps I can visit more often and not be so worried about coming away with all my shit stirred up. Or, if it is, I'll be better placed to manage my feelings. Small blessings...
So glad to hear your mum's OK after her fall. It's stressful having elderly parents- a constant worry really. I hear you about being clear-minded when you got the call. My dad had a serious medical situation last year and thankfully i was not acting out at the time, and was able to be there and also organize some stuff that I wouldn't have thought of in a PMO haze. I think you're right that reconciling ourselves with our parents (emotionally) and coming to terms with childhood situations is an important part of healing. Being around them is a good way (and probably the only way) to do this. Luckily we still have that chance. Take care mate- there's a kite festival on the north side this weekend. Hopefully they can get the giant blue whale kite up this year.
Thanks, man, yeah. I've been at the nursing home all arfty and she's been feeling crook. They haven't been able to ease her discomfort so far but they're trying a few things now while I've popped out for a feed. Hopefully, by the time I get back, she will have managed to eat and will be feeling better. It's awful feeling so helpless!