Tearing Down the Walls, Part 2.

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Billy B., Oct 23, 2016.

  1. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    Day 151> Monday.

    This is fucked.

    The only things it has going for it is that its temporary and for a purpose: I'm gettin' clean.

    Today I am Grateful for:

    -fuck all, at all.
  2. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    Ps 'poligies to have a go atya, Bob.
    I was strung out like crazy.
    I know ya didn't mean nothin' but nice things.
    I only leave it posted to demonsrate that i can a reactionary bastard, at times.
    Peace to you, Bro.
    bobjes likes this.
  3. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Wow, you really can be a reactionary bastard! ;) But, it will pass. :D

    Feeling all akimbo sucks. As you wrote on nofapado's journal "at least there's a point to the pain of rebooting." I think your reaction is good. You recognize you were lashing out, but at the same time you aren't running to P to make you feel better. Keeping contact with this incredible community is such a life-line.

    Love to you, bro.
    Billy B. likes this.
  4. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    Thanks, man.
  5. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    Day153> Tuesday

    I find myself starting to wonder if this is all worth it.

    If I am worth it.

    I notice all these fellas struggling here with the discombobulations of Reboot and wonder: was it not easier before when I could just bliss out on PMO and not have to worry about dealing with uncomfortable feelings?

    Yesterday was intense, like the entire world was crashing in on me and I felt like I was being (psychologically) smashed to pieces.

    Last night, laying in bed, I found myself recalling the blissful oblivion that I could sometimes (often) find in PMO and it was extremely appealing. I fancy I could feel the neuro-chemistry of it, a wave of pleasure caressed my being. I brought my attention to my breath, instead. That momentary rush was frightening, in a way, demonstrating that at this stage I’m not far away from it, that it can grab me so easy. In fact, I’m probably in a more precarious position than I was when I first started reboot: as many of us have experienced, the intense rush after a period of abstinence can be exhilarating.

    I see some of you blokes slipping every couple weeks, getting to have a lil’ taste and yet (seemingly) still managing your lives okay. It causes me to question this path that I am on. I think, if I’d known how hard it was gonna be, if I’da been able to have a taste of how unmanageable my life would become, how hopeless and dejected and overwhelmed I would feel (for so long now) I don’t think I would have had the courage to step off.

    For today, I keep on, though.

    What choice do I have but to ride this out, keep working Active Recovery (when I at all have the energy to do so) and to see what comes of it?

    Daily Self Care/ Active Recovery/ Moving Forward.

    The Mindfulness course started last night and it looks as though that will be useful.

    I will go to yoga shortly (even though it’s not what I want to do: I want to go back to bed!)

    My daily self-care is in the toilet. I will try to get some things done today, though.

    Even though the feeling that is furthest from my heart is 'gratefulness', I think that this means it’s even more important to consider what
    Today I am Grateful for:

    -YBR and you blokes.


    -Clean running water. .

    #The lady I met at the beach yesterday who rescued her lil’ dog from the pound.

    +Getting back to work, regular.

    # An act of kindness (no matter how small) I witnessed or participated in.
    +Something I am looking forward to.
    Last edited: Mar 20, 2017
  6. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    I think we need 18 months sober before we can really sense that ground beneath is solid, before the rewiring is really stable. I'm feeling good at the moment and recognize the huge benefits I've gained from staying away from PMO and my other activities, but a lot of the winter I struggled to "feel" my progress.

    Any thoughts to looking around for someone to share your awesomeness with?
  7. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    Mate, I'm no good to anyone at the minute. I'm hoping that over the coming months I can find it in me to put myself out there. I suspect that no one in their right mind would want me as a 'partner' (financially, I can barely take care of myself and emotionally, I'm a basket case) but I can be a good friend, an a attentive lover. We'll see how it goes.

    I made it to Yoga but forgot my fcuking gear, so now fighting the urge to go back to bed. I might go back to bed later but I will do my grocery shopping first so that at least I have one thing done and can have some healthy tucker to choose from.

    This totally sucks, Saville. The only thing that keeps me going is that it is (supposedly) temporary. I suppose it'll only be temporary, though, if I can find ways of managing my inner-space (that aren't just other addictions). Otherwise I'll simply be like one of those blokes at AA they call 'dry drunks': sober, but miserable because they haven't worked the program (or worked it successfully).

    What a drag.

    Thankyou ever so much for your support, though, Saville.

    It really means a lot to me, man.

    There is no way I could do this without you blokes.
    Last edited: Mar 20, 2017
  8. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    I went back to bed.

    Now I'll do my shopping.

    Sheesh. What a day.
    Last edited: Mar 20, 2017
  9. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Hey Billy B, just want you to know that you're not alone in the struggle. Hang in their mate, as it's hard to recognize our own light when we're in the midst of our angst - yet really easy for others to see. I see it in you, and it is as bright as can be:) Your day will come:D
    Billy B. likes this.
  10. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    Good onya, mate. Thankyou.

    I've had this feeling today... the blissed out oblivion of a post-abstinence-pmo sesh is... intensely alluring. Even writing this is a trigger so I will not mention it out loud, again. In fact, when it comes, I'll take that as an opportunity to bring my awareness back to the breath.

    That's the plan, anyway.

    I'm just trying to remind myself that it's an extremely temporary non-solution to what has been a long-term problem (frightened by certain emotions), not sustainable in the least and also likely to set me back, possibly way back when we consider that one pmo is never enough (as well as it being too many).

    I've also had suicidal thoughts creeping in again. I'm safe for now, fellas, don't worry. You will know if it starts to feel serious, as will my local mental health care professionals and friends (youse are all part of my support network, after all). Anyhow, suicide is an excessively permanent non-solution to a temporary problem... even if that problem (learning to sit with my emotions) seems crazily impossible, today.

    I'm going now to give me mates the heads up that I've been having dark thoughts. I'll let me psych know and call the mental health triage so that, if somehow it gets too serious (I feel hopeful it won't) I will have already broken the ice. In fact, reaching out now may even serve to help me hold the thoughts more lightly.

    Please stay tuned, fellas. I need youse right now.

  11. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

  12. MarstonS

    MarstonS Walking the longest walk...

    Hang in there brother....after all; it was the icy north wind that made the vikings!
  13. Lowdo

    Lowdo Active Member

    Hi Billy - so sorry you're having a rough time. I just wanted to echo what NCB says above - I know you can't see you own goodness at the mo but we all can. You've helped us all in many ways and continue to do so. Keep going mate!
  14. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    Yeah, made them into a bunch of cranky bastards!

    But truly, yeah, it did.

    You made me laugh!

    Thanks, MarstonS.
  15. Oneway

    Oneway Active Member

    Hi Billy. I started to wonder that 'if this is all worth it' too 2 months ago. Getting even a temporary relieve from PMO started to be so alluring prospect that I gave in...I planned to do it just one more time...little did I know.

    Now after 2 months of wallowing in the mud, I can from my experience say that it is definetly worth it (no PMO I mean). I wish I could switch back 2 months and reconsider that one small choise...and choose differently.

    You have gone such a long way. Don't throw it away. You're an inspiration!
  16. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    Onya, fella.

    I touched in with me mates (they can see some goodness, too). Ate something healthy. Done me dishes.

    Too early for bed.

    Perhaps a walk will help...
  17. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    Just what I needed to hear, Oneway. Cheers, Brother. I'm stoked to have you back on board. We need all the help we can get, it seems!

    Pmo is not an Option, right?

    Last edited: Mar 21, 2017
  18. 40New30

    40New30 Keep going

    Definitely just not an option...do whatever it takes.
    Billy B. likes this.
  19. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    Day 154> Wednesday

    I hear that Gratefulness first thing in the morning can help set us up for the day, so...

    Today I resolve to be Grateful for:

    -Shelter from the elements (more or less)

    -Electricity (and the modern conveniences it affords)

    -My support networks .

    #Getting clean (which is an act of kindness directed at my future self).

    +Moving out of this place into one that is properly insinuated and well-managed (and hopefully where I can have a lil' dog).

    # An act of kindness (no matter how small) I witnessed or participated in.
    +Something I am looking forward to.

    Last edited: Mar 21, 2017
  20. Garga2

    Garga2 Member

    I am sorry that you are struggling. DON'T give up, man! You know that this fight is worth it!

    I wonder if you might benefit from more intense exercises. When I was doing karate I felt really amazing, but then I had an injury and was too lazy to come back. What I mean is that sometimes yoga is still too much delving inside the self and it could be that you need to get the energy out. These are just thoughts, I am not saying that this is the case. I base them on my own experience. After my relapse on Sat I hit the gym and have been going there everyday, I think it really helped preventing a downward spiral.

    It is easy to be giving advices, I used to hate when people tell me - why don't you do this, or that, as if they tell you to stop being depressed, as if it is our own desire to be depressed! But anger leads to no good, especially self-anger. You have reminded me the importance of acceptance. I can just say that I hope you will overcome the darkness and wish you bright days ahead!

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