Tearing Down the Walls, Part 2.

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Billy B., Oct 23, 2016.

  1. Garga2

    Garga2 Member

    Hey Billy,

    Your list is amazing. I definitely need to implement these activities in my daily routine. Oftentimes, we forget how important drinking water is. Seems like things are getting better with each day, I am really happy for you. Wish you continuous improvement in this journey. I think we have to remember that improvement is not a linear process and there is no magic wand that will make everything ok. Will power and thoughts is key to changing our lives for the better, I believe that actions, practices, rituals, form habits and these habits impact thoughts. Your list is a really good example for everyone here. Thank you for sharing. Keep fighting, man!
     
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  2. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    Make sure you let me know if you're comin'!
     
  3. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    Thanks mate, yeah, the mania is kinda buggin' me but I'm tryna just sit with it (I've been like this before with extreme ups an downs) and, as you say, focus on all the little self-care strategies that will hopefully, cumulatively, help me get to a stage where I'm better at managing my moods states, once again. Sometimes when I'm like this I can be a little too much, even for me mates! Could be worse though, I suppose. At least I'm not violent or abusive or paranoid or a narcissist or something... yeah, it's good for me to count my blessings in this regard. :cool:
     
    Last edited: Mar 11, 2017
  4. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    Day 144> Sundee

    I'm feelin' a bit lonely, today. Lonely for romance/sexually intimacy, I mean. Perfectly natural but also likely to be part of my pathology around it.

    Poo.

    I'm not feeling particularly hopeful about future potential, either.

    But these feelings will pass. I'm most often these days reasonably content being single, comfortable that I will have the opportunity to connect in that way once again when the time is right.

    Its only a feeling, after all, and I need not give it too much credit.

    I dragged myself off to yoga, again (tick) and will allow myself a nap today before i head out later maybe, to visit friends.

    I hope yr respective Sundays are easy and urge-free.

    Go well, brothers.
     
  5. Garga2

    Garga2 Member

    Hey Billy, I feel the same way as you today. I think the most important think is not to fall into a feeling of hopelessness but I know that his sounds easy to say, than do. I tend to go into this thoughts and feelings about not finding anyone and they are debilitating. I heard something great yesterday from this woman Gabrielle Bernstein : those who are certain of the outcome can afford to wait and wait without anxiety. I should make this my guiding principle.
     
  6. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    Cheers, man, yeah, self-pity will get us nowhere.

    Mostly I'm okay with being single, though, luckily. When it does come up I can usually manage to just let it be, remembering that it's not helpful, ultimately, and that it will pass.
     
    Last edited: Mar 13, 2017
  7. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    Day 145>Sunday

    Well, this isn’t much fun.

    Yesterday after yoga and a sleep, woke up feeling as though some bugger had had a crack at my brain with a pair of kitchen scissors, like every second neural network was severed and the rest were tangled up. Jagged and sharp-edged, mind racing chaotically and hyper-sensitive to even the smallest irritations. I had to drive across town and really, I wasn’t even safe to drive. I couldn’t concentrate long enough to maintain my speed or regular distance from the vehicle in front, I stalled twice and it was impossible to even follow the GPS (going around in circles). Beause I was so muddled I kept fucking things up and that led to enormous frustration and rage flowing. Of course, when we’re angry the blood flows away from the frontal lobes, making it even harder to focus.

    Faaaaark. It would have been even more scary if not for the mindfulness and meditation I’ve done lately, I reckon. I wasn’t able to actually step back from it very far, or concentrate for long enough to slow down or focus on my breath, but somehow I managed hold the thought that it would pass.

    It was really a horrible feeling and, I’m almost certain, Reboot related. Despite the fact that I have this history of mental problems and Reboot is exacerbating them, it’s been a long time since I ever was this mental and there are elements here (like the extreme scatterbrain and the way the cycle is so random) that I have never experienced before.

    I have managed to take care of most of my daily health stuff through it, though. I’m feeling ever so slightly less messed up, today (more de-energised than wired or skittery) I even managed to drag myself out to work today but that never happened because (despite what the internet had told me) the place was closed and I couldn’t find an alternative locally that was likely to be even remotely worthwhile.

    Poo.

    I’m stable enough that I can focus on my breathing so will meditate some before I clean up the spew from last night’s food poisoning. That’s the second time in a month! It was worse than last time, just… horrible, but I made it through by remembering ‘it will pass’.

    What a fucking mess my life is at the moment.

    It really is.

    That’s not just a negative self-talk. The myriad challenges I’m facing would send set stablest of us wobblin’, and it's good for me to remember that.

    I keep on, though.



    Today I am Grateful for:

    -Being clean from PMO
    -My friends (both on-line and off)
    -My body feels better from the swimming and yoga.
     
    Last edited: Mar 13, 2017
  8. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Hey there Billy, I was going to comment on the posts from you and Garga regarding melancholy and loneliness, but as you say, those feelings pass. They sometimes come without warning, and can leave just as unceremoniously.
    I'm sorry things are a bit rough for you right now. Food poisoning can really throw you for a loop, so I suspect that may have contributed to your state. Plus the reboot. Which I'm really inspired by, just so you know. The honesty in your posts really hits me; in a good way. You're a good man, my friend. Enjoy the rest of your day. As you say, our online and offline friends are indeed something to be grateful for!
     
  9. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    The food poisoning actually came after the craziness but yeah, it'll fuck ya.

    Thanks so much for the posi-vibes and encouragement, though. Some folks have told me that the 100's often felt like the toughest part of the journey so I potentially have a ways to go before things begin to settle. I'll keep up with my practical self-care as I can, and try to get better at sitting with uncomfortable feelings rather than trying to hide from them.

    This feels, right now, like the hardest thing I've ever had to do and that may not be simply a perception based on the fact that I'm in the thick of it (and so, biased), it may actually be the hardest thing I've ever done. Even if the only pay-off would be having that shit out of my life, though, it would be worth it. Of course, if others experiences prove to be true in my own case, I can look forward to many more benefits than simply being free of the cycle.

    Breathing, now.

    Have a stretch, clean up the spew.


    Try to look forward to better times.
     
    Last edited: Mar 13, 2017
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  10. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Stopping by to say you are a true soldier. Keep on keeping on, as they say. :)

    Loving your energy. Great things are just around the corner, my friend.
     
  11. Abc

    Abc The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    I admire your perseverance, Billy B. There's a method to the madness, and that will be your gift on the other side. Keep on strummin' mate:D
     
  12. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    Thanks so much, fellas.

    I feel a lil' bit better again today. I got up early and did my shopping, went to psyche appt. and then a swim in the sea followed by lunch with a friend from interstate. A good day, so far and i'll prolly still get a couple hours buskin' in, yet.

    A good day.
     
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  13. titan_transcendence

    titan_transcendence Well-Known Member

    If you can say at the end of the day of having a good day, thats enough. :)
     
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  14. 40New30

    40New30 Keep going

    Swimming in the sea is awesome!
     
  15. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    Too right! And yesterday was ecstacy, mate. I feel I may even have had a taste of that 'coming alive on the other side reboot' thats so often reported.

    About bloody time! :cool:
     
    Abc likes this.
  16. Abc

    Abc The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    That's sweet to hear, Billy B:D
     
  17. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    Ta, mate.
     
  18. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    Day 148>Thursdee

    I’ve been struck once again with fond memories of various P scenarios and particular women. I just remind myself that, while I enjoyed (far too often!) losing myself in the ecstasy of those fantasies, there were also plenty of times (esp near the end) when I couldn’t even get my favourites to work for me. And I definitely didn’t enjoy being an addict. I acknowledge those thoughts, thank them (keeping in mind that they no longer serve my purpose) and get on with other things. There’s no point to dwell: that’ll just keep the neural-networks alive.

    Lil' bit fatigue still, lil' bit scatterbrain, but the mania seems to have eased. Further ups and downs to follow, no doubt.

    And, yesterday was interesting.

    I made it to the pool for laps (under my own steam!) but was triggered by the presence of a gorgeous she who’s beauty and smile and grace give me the idea that she was just my type (ridiculous of course, cause I don’t know a thing about her). Anyhow, I wasn’t able to find the courage or an appropriate moment to strike up a convo and that brought up all me feelings of lonely/unworthy etc. I’ve said before that self-pity will get us nowhere and that, IMHO, is an indisputable fact, but… while was able to step back partially, to witness it, I wasn’t able able to do much more than sit with those feelings and remind myself that they are bullshit (not, in the thick of it, to continue on with self-care regardless).

    I went back to bed for a couple hours (I s’pect I needed the rest anyhow) and then was able to get up and get on with my day (the feelings having past).

    I figure that it’s to be expected that this stuff will come up now that I’m no longer self-medicating with PMO and if sometimes it gets me by the balls… well, that’s to be expected, too. In fact, in hindsight, I’ve been doing quite well in regards to this particular aspect of my psycho-pathology and, while I still have a ways to go, I can feel mostly hopeful for the future.

    I got up and got on with creating the life I wish to live… more or less: it’s all a bit of a blur atm and if I think about the future too much it just becomes overwhelming. Instead I try to just focus on the moment, on making plans for the coming week, as baby-steps forward are better than no steps at all… in fact, they are the foundation on which I will build, eventually.

    On daily self care, I’ve realised that the bloody list I posted above is not going to work (it’s too messy, too long and consequently unwieldy). Instead I will create a reverse-list on paper each day and journal on it regularly. A reverse-list is a great idea my psyche gimme (she’s a gem). Having a list of things I need to do (and tick off) can be overwhelming and all them un-ticked boxes can be de-energising. Better to list the things I have achieved and use that to analyse where I could do better.

    So here we go.

    Posi-vibes to you, Mob.


    Daily Self Care/ Active Recovery/ Moving Forward.


    I’ve been reasonably successful in daily-self care tasks of late. Lookin’ after my basic needs of nutrition, rehabilitation, cleanliness, sleep, etc. I've got up before 8am the last few days. I had a shave and gimmeself a (sorely needed) haircut, yesterday. I could do better with meditation but have been onto the alt.nostril breathing and listening to some binaural beats (whilst trying to focus on my breath) when stretching out my back (my back is something that needs regular maintenance as it’s been trouble since I was young).

    I have been going to yoga regularly the last couple weeks, swimming laps and my body feels better for it. I will go again this morning and to a Pranayama class, tonight.

    I’ve been busking a few hours here and there and getting me chops back up (as they say in the biz). It’s been exceptionally challenging even just to get there sometimes, but I havn't bombed out, not once. I’ll have another crack this arfty, see if I can’t begin to reverse this recent trend on my balance sheet (seriously, I have less than $500 dollars to my name). Thank the dogs I have no serious debt to contend with on top of!

    I spent the psych-session Tuesday iterating my childhood traumas (that was fun...not!) but it was because in the next session we’re gonna try some hypnosis, see if we can’t clear some of the bullshit that (subconsciously, I guess) has been holding me back. That should be interesting.

    Today will be my second pot-free one in a row. I’m not a heavy user, but a daily user and 'days off' is part of my moving towards a time where I can challenge it properly (one major addiction at a time!). I’ve have had four single days off this fortnight: time to up the anti. Besides, I don’t want to get stoned before Pranayama class, so that’s a good incentive.

    I'm still off the grog at home, just the occasional one or three socially and I feel like this has benefited my mood-state, considerably (alcohol being a depressant and all).

    I've been smoking cigs again the last month which isn't doing myself any favours but, once again, i feel it prudent to choose my battles wisely.


    Today I am Grateful for:

    -My beautiful friends and seeing them do well

    -I have a chance to rebalance my finances

    -My (relatively) luxurious first-world existence (including clean beaches!).

    #I was able to give the fella some coin from my case the other day so that he could by some milk for his baby.

    +Going to the theme-park to ride the water-slides.


    # An act of kindness (no matter how small) that I have witnessed or participated in.
    +Something I am looking forward to.
     
    Last edited: Mar 15, 2017
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  19. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Yup. Beating on a dead, flaccid, dick is for dead beats! Been there, done that, got a t-shirt made of self-pity and shit out of the deal. :D

    I listened to this woman, Mel Robbins, the other day and she said we have 5 seconds to do something or not. After 5 seconds has past we aren't going to try. If we want to meet someone we need to go right over without thinking. Basically, one thought and you are back to dithering. Of course, at a pool, where a woman is in a swim suit, it might not be appropriate to just walk over and start a convo...depends on the context.

    The above all sounds very positive, Billy!
     
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  20. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    Cheers for that, mate. You're right in that the this particular context was slightly complicated... but I'll definately remember that for next time! Thats a good one. :)
     

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