Suicide Notes- A low trigger journal

Discussion in 'Ages -19' started by Outis, Nov 12, 2017.

  1. Outis

    Outis New Member

    Hello, my name is Jamie AKA Outis, I'm 19. I am a poet, author, artist and emcee (rapper). I would like to preface this by saying I am a confessional poet and I am not actually suicidal. My writing and music is a channel for my anger and sorrow. I'm inspired by poets like Henry David Thoreau, Sylvia Plath, and Shakespeare. If you don't want to read this lengthy post, my music video at the bottom communicates similar ideas.

    I call it a low trigger journal because I am mostly making it about myself, not PMO. In other words, my journal will be mostly about my experiences and feelings, not the PMO itself. I don't really like to go into details about the type of porn, frequency of use, or really anything sexual at all. I don't even like to disclose the exact amount of time it's been (I keep track myself on a calender), those can all be triggers for both myself, and, I presume, others.

    the following is a general description of my life and experiences in the past few years, and my experiences may be seen as disturbing to some people. And just because I don't consider it triggering, it still may be for some.
    When I was 13, I used porn and masturbated for the first time. I was already a shy kid and I grew up with very abusive parents. My mother was an alcoholic, she abused me mostly emotionally, but physically and sexually a few times as well though. My father was and has always been a very emotionally neglectful, secretive figure. He simply talks to me like I'm an employee of his. They both had very perfecionist expectations I felt like I could never meet.

    I gradually started PMO'ing more and more, and when I was 14 my use really accelerated to at least once per day. I also started smoking weed, which became a daily habit. I actually started smoking because I wanted to replace PMO with weed, but I started using both every day with each other. I had some friends but looking back they were mostly bullies who fed off my low self-esteem. Through that I had two people who I was close with in early childhood, who I considered to be very good, lifelong friends, lets call them Dean and Sam (codenames*, anyone watch supernatural lol).

    After continuously using both PMO and weed for a couple years, I had one girlfriend when I was 16 for about a year. I felt connected to her at the time, and would only PMO about once every week or 2, and was having sex with her often. About two weeks after we broke up, I learned she was with Dean now. For my 17th birthday, I endured a quite traumatic experience from my ex-girlfriend's "psychic" mother. She told me that I had a demonic entity following me around who liked to bother me when I was alone in my room at night. I felt so shocked, scared, helpless and hopeless. She told me she would "take care of it". Over the course of the next year, I began meditating daily, and studying psychology (mostly personality disorders); I also learned that Dean and my ex got married less than a year later and now have a baby on the way.

    After all my meditation and learning of psychology, I then came to unravel the narcissistic way I was raised and how it made me want to suppress my feelings through PMO. I also have come to see this "demon" as my own false self. Essentially a fake version of myself who maladapted to the pain. I think I was most connected to my false self when I was with my ex (who, looking back is very patronizing and micromanaging, like my mother). I also see her "psychic" mother as someone with a personality disorder; she essentially believes she is omniscient and omnipotent, and acts like it's her altruisitc duty to save other people, having little to no personal accomplishments of her own.

    With all the clarity and sanity I've contrived, I am able to look back and reconginze these things, and help my inner child through all the trauma, pain, suffering, brooding, etc.

    When I was about 17, I began seeing a psychologist who I condifed in about my pmo. He basically believed the opposite of what I did at the time (PMO is bad and must eliminate). He told me someone my age should be masturbating 3 times/day, and that I can watch all the porn in the world and it isn't a problem.

    He essentially gave me the green light to PMO as often as I want with no consequences. This took away a lot of the shame aspect of PMO'ing. So I kept PMO'ng often for about the next year, still meditating daily as well though.--

    About 8 months prior to right now, Sam and I moved in the same apt. He was now on lots of drugs and using every day, I would wake up in the morning to happy go lucky people smoking and playing guitar, etc. and had loud parties virtually every night, while I would go to work. Long story short, we both got evicted because of all the noise compaints and Sam moving in his friend into the common space (not much of a common space) without asking the landlord.

    I had nowhere to go at this point (about 5 months ago). I ended up being homeless for 2 weeks. I slept in an abandonded house and a house under construction for a few days and was working a minimum wage job. I then made my way to the homeless shelter and got a bed and showers and meals daily. This lasted for about a week as I realized it wasn't sustaining me very well, because it is a lot like a prison, theres about 100 of use in one big room with twin bunk beds, many other people talking to themselves and on hard drugs, etc.

    Since then, I found a place to stay back with my perpetrators- I mean parents haha. They give me a roof over my head, I have started being grateful for the little things and taking care of my basic human needs and still maintaining my crafts (writing, emceeing, art). I am coming to peace with my childhood and learning to forgive my parents authentically, while also saving up to find my own independent living situation.
    Last edited: Nov 12, 2017
  2. Outis

    Outis New Member

    Sometimes I'm convinced that porn is ok and i dont need to quit, this i think is my brain making excuses because it really wants the dopamine fix
  3. Outis

    Outis New Member

    But being as rational and objective as i can, afterwards i feel dull, apathetic, drained, anti-social, etc.
  4. Outis

    Outis New Member

    After reviewing the science on the subject, im definitely committing to quit since i want to actually live my real life, instead of being a codependent on the virutal sexual media. I made it 3 weeks recently, and over those 3 weeks i was incredibly motivated and committed to being an individual.
    Im starting a project called 365 days of poetry (slam poetry) to replace the habit with for the new year. Will start posting on here once everythings in order
  5. Lifeisbeautiful

    Lifeisbeautiful Active Member

    The point is how does porn affect you. Make an honest judgement about whether you are better or worse off without porn. Forget what the so called "experts"(the psychologist you saw) have to say. Make the decision for yourself.

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