Sturnus Journal.

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by Sturnus, Feb 24, 2012.

  1. Sturnus

    Sturnus Guest

    All my previous progress is in http://www.reuniting.info/blogs/ksaver

    Here I will continue my journey :) For me it is very good therapy to write :)
     
  2. Sturnus

    Sturnus Guest

    DAY 4. In the morning I think I dreamed some kind of sexual scenes but everything is good, no chasers.
     
  3. Sturnus

    Sturnus Guest

    It is the DAY 5 today evening by the count start.

    Today I was in the supermarket and there was so much beautiful girls... OMG... Amazing... I was just amazed by the beauty... I want them all :D

    But no PMO. I want the real ones :)
     
  4. Sturnus

    Sturnus Guest

    DAY 6. Going quite good. Want women a lot and to M, but I'm strong.
     
  5. Sturnus

    Sturnus Guest

    Day 7. Going into existential thoughts. WHAT TO DO IN MY LIFE. And I don't know. It sucks. .... Mood is not too well, quite shitty. No PMO, but I want...
     
  6. TheUnderdog

    TheUnderdog Active Member Staff Member

    I know that feel bro.
     
  7. Sturnus

    Sturnus Guest

    Here I am. Starting all over again.


    [​IMG]


    The goal is 147 days.

    I have reached over 70 days in the beginning of 2012 but since then I am in deep shit. I masturbated even harder and watched porn even more.

    I see how it ruins my life, my social activity, my energy and my self motivation to do something.

    I don't know why but I still getting to masturbation and porn even though I understand what it does. Yes, I am addicted to it. But now I am ready to get free.

    With your help I know that I will do it. I just need some people that would care...
     
  8. Sturnus

    Sturnus Guest

    Here two days have passed. Here is the timer. http://www.timeanddate.com/countdown/generic?iso=20120709T18&p0=660&msg=I+live+in+freedom

    I am happy that I have managed to get back here and to pursue this freedom. I want to do that I want - to communicate with real people and to express my self and if I will keep on PM then it seems like I don't need a thing because I can get it by myself. But it is a lie. By living like that I get a lot of shit. Not always the easiest decisions are the best. I choose to be happy even though it not always so easy.

    I want PM but my determination is big and I am strong. I know that I can. I am a Man, and thus this challenge will make me even stronger.
     
  9. Sturnus

    Sturnus Guest

    Now have passed 5 DAYS 20 HOURS 44 MINUTES. I am pretty angry right now - I think it is the withdrawals. The mood is not in the best shape. But it recovering. I have started again to meditate which for a couple of months I have forgotten. There is a lot of negative thoughts but with breathing exercise and will I am changing a bit my thoughts - need more practice.

    There is still quite a big social gap. I don't really have any activities with women - mostly with men. But I have notices that being with a women brings a very different and better quality into my life.

    I thought a lot about a girlfriend but there is some barrier that I am facing - real or not real:

    - Thinking that there is no compatible women. (I'm a pretty strange guy).
    - Fear of being used, laughed and etc.
    - Tiredness.
    - Having too much activities and wanting to give time for that.
     
  10. Sturnus

    Sturnus Guest

    Have passed 8 days.

    In the dream I have almost didn't M. But luckily I have not.

    But the other dream was with a beautiful girl kissing and hugging and that is a good sign of rewiring started.

    The PM withdrawals are still present and the craving have emerged but I am strong and I will stand strong.
     
  11. Sturnus

    Sturnus Guest

    Have passed 9 days.

    Today I saw a very beautiful girl and I was attracted to her, the body acted as if I have butterflies in me. I like her. But I didn't talk to her. I was too afraid because I felt not worthy of her and didn't see any signs that I can succeed. I just feared of it. What I will do the next time? I will say a compliment next to saying hi: "Hi, nice to meet you. Glad that I saw you." Or something like that. The goal is to say a sentence more than I said.

    The problem is that I have a some kind of status that I fear of loosing and I don't want to lose it. And I have the fear of others thinking about me badly. Even though I have defeated a lot of fears of being and acting silly but I don't want that others would see me as a pimp because I have created a "spiritual" me image. That sucks because it doesn't allow me to be more communicative with girls.

    What can I do? I can just talk with girls no matter what I thinks others thinks. I need action. Action will be: I will schedule a meeting with my friend who is a pimp. And then I will break, with him, my habitual thinking of other thoughts and my false image.

    I need to write how I want that my girl should be like - it is said that it help to attract that kind of girl.

    Also what I need to do - is to get clear about my mission and goals. I want, I just burning how I want to have them. I want to have a mission in my life, a carrier in which I could grow and contribute.

    Without a goal I feel not full. I want to have a direction in my life. I have to choose a direction which is in my heart. Which I like. Which I want and enjoy. What is my highest joy?
     
  12. Sturnus

    Sturnus Guest

    17 Days. Still on the road. Sad and sick. But I will get trough it.
     
  13. ChargersFan

    ChargersFan New Member

    I noticed you posted in my own journal, and figured I'd do the same. 17 days sounds like a great start, keep at it!
     
  14. Sturnus

    Sturnus Guest

    I think you have found a friend ;)

    Today have passed almost 19 days. Here is my clock ticking http://www.timeanddate.com/countdown/generic?iso=20120709T18&p0=660&msg=I+live+in+freedom

    I have real the Vedas today and about marriage and sexual life and now I really understand how much damage the masturbation have made for me:

    - My lost identity of who I really am.
    - Depression.
    - Anger.
    - Difficulties with socializing.
    - Lack of will.
    - Lack of direction in my life.

    That caused me a lot of bad things. Now I will rework my karma - I am strong in the face of difficulties and temptations I am seeking for the good, for The God.

    I wish everyone happiness.
    Be happy.
    The courage is within.
    The life is in you.

    Best wishes,
    Sturnus
     
  15. Sturnus

    Sturnus Guest

    Day 23. Moving forward. Studying Vedas. Repeating mantra: "I wish everyone happiness" and meditating. Still a lot of pain. Trying to resolve pas relationship - immense energy there. Very often sad and confused - why I am not happy. Praying. Asking for help - I can't deal it on my own. Searching for a way.
     
  16. torest

    torest New Member

    Sturnus, I'm saddened by our last post. You've given me some genuine encouragement in my journal and really helped me. Wish I had something to do the same for you. You've made it quite a ways here. I admire your determination to keep on going even tho the going gets tough. Hang in there man.
     
  17. Pilgrim

    Pilgrim New Member

    Hi, Sturnus!

    Bad moments are part of the process.
    Try to take it easy, relax and remember you are doint this journey just for yourself.

    Keep walking and good luck!
     
  18. Sturnus

    Sturnus Guest

    Thank you guys. You give me strength. As one wise man said - I everybody could help themselves then the world would be a heaven.

    It is not 30 days of no PMO. Though I had a wet dream by I don't remember it.

    Now the thoughts about PM is trying to get into my head. But I am firm and determined. I am strong. There was time when I have reached PMO for about 70 days and that was my biggest growth.

    Now I am growing also - to all directions. The gains are huge. The withdrawals and temptations are also incresing. I think it will break and I will break loose to FREEDOM.

    Best regards,
    Sturnus
     
  19. torest

    torest New Member

    Glad to see you post to know you're still there staying strong. I thought temptation would decrease at 30days not increase. But stay strong. Reading of a guy going 70 days is inspiring. And to see you've done it again to 30+ days and counting really does give me hope and strength.

    Good job sternus.
     
  20. Sturnus

    Sturnus Guest

    torest, your post really inspires me. Thank you.

    And today is DAY 34 and 20 hours.

    Had 1 WD today and because of that strong urges to PMO. But I'm still here, on the path. I gain too much from FREEDOM of PMO to sacrifice it for 1 moment of false ecstasy.

    I feel like my muscle of will is building up. I feel as I am getting more as a REAL MAN - who can take responsibilities, who has courage and who is strong inside.

    I is very much that I gain.
     

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