Starting on my birthday

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by GottaChange76, Jan 10, 2017.

  1. GottaChange76

    GottaChange76 Member

    I'm new to this site. Today is my 41st birthday and I relapsed after nine days of quitting porn. Do I feel shame? Yes. Regret? Absolutely. I feel especially weak since I should be celebrating. Instead I'm sitting in the dark spilling out intimate details of what I've done on a site that I know little about. What a crazy, messed up world.

    Anyhow, posting this does help me feel a bit better. And I suppose that's the point, right?

    My plan is abstinence from porn. My goal is to make it through the rest of tonight. Then, it's one day at a time.
  2. Welcome! And happy birthday! All of us here have felt those exact same feelings. If you stick around and contribute I'm pretty confident you will be in a much better place come next birthday. Congrats on the new journey...
    GottaChange76 likes this.
  3. Rex

    Rex PMO free is the only way it's going to be for me.

    Gotta Change,

    Welcome to the board! You have come to the right place and you can beat porn. Don't beat yourself up, look at the positive, you were porn free for 9 days. You can get back on the wagon and begin a new streak. I recommend these 5 tips on how to permanently beat porn, read especially the "1 relapse" section, this will help you get back on your feet instead of leading to another series of relapses:

    Good plan, take this one day at a time. And remember no matter how bad the urges, thoughts, and temptations get remember they will pass. Each time you beat them you will build up confidence and it gets easier.

    I have found prayer to be very helpful, even if it's something as simple as an "Our Father" or a "Hail Mary", I feel the pull of the temptation lesson. Praying the rosary has also worked for me.

    Remember, replace those thoughts of shame with thoughts about how bright your future will be without porn.

    There are many recovery success stories on this board of those who permanently beat the porn addiction.

    You can do it, you can beat porn!

    GottaChange76 likes this.
  4. GottaChange76

    GottaChange76 Member

    Where do users of this site stand on masturbation without porn?

    And, what does PMO stand for?
  5. PMO = using porn to masturbate to orgasm.

    Can't speak for others but I certainly view masturbation in the absence of porn as much better (or less bad?) that with porn. But the consensus here is probably that masturbating is generally part and parcel of the overall porn addiction and doing either one in a vacuum is tough. For single guys like myself, it's difficult to avoid the M every once in a while. True "reboots" are done without any M'ing though. So I'm a "soft reboot" I suppose as I still need to release one a week or so. Getting less and less necessary though the further away I get from the P. Hope that helps!
    GottaChange76 likes this.
  6. GottaChange76

    GottaChange76 Member

    Thank you for the info.
  7. GottaChange76

    GottaChange76 Member

    I have been reading so many people's stories on here and it's helpful to know I'm not alone.

    I discovered one of my dad's Playboy magazines when I was about eight years old. The women were so captivating. I was hooked early. I couldn't wait to see the next centerfold. I was a latch-key kid, so I would spend many summer hours looking through my father's porn stash. It didn't take long for me to discover masturbation. I don't remember how long I went at it before I came the first time, but I do know I was young.

    That's started an almost daily relationship with porn for the past 33 years. It went from magazines, to VHS tapes, to internet .jpgs to internet movies and most recently Tumblr... And I PMO'd for years in complete secrecy. My wife doesn't know. My friends don't know. Just you guys know. It feels good to write about this. Even though you guys are anonymous, I feel like it's uploading to reveal my secret to someone.

    Because of my porn use, I've suffered with PIED pretty much my entire adult life. It's humiliating and so very awkward. Nothing is a soul-crushing as going limp when you're having sex. At least for me. And almost every time it would happen, I would go on a PMO binge. Making matters worse. I know this is all familiar to anyone reading this, but it feels good to write it down.

    Long story short...I don't know exactly how I'm going to stop. But I do know I really want to. I know I'm not powerless. Reading posts on this forum is teaching me that. I thank you guys for your continued posts. And even though I don't expect many folks to read this--I glad I've etched this into internet stone. I think it's helpful...
  8. GottaChange76

    GottaChange76 Member

    Also, I know one of my triggers is being alone. Not new to anyone-I know. So, I'm alone right now...reading posts instead of looking at porn. Thank goodness for this site.
  9. Alone is tough man. I'm recently divorced but was separated for a long time. No sex in two years. I'm around family and they are life line in so many ways. Definitely harder to stay clean when you're alone a lot. Maybe get involved somewhere? Volunteering or something? Church groups, etc. Spending time here is a great thing but I've also found that you can spend too much time here too also. It can start to make you focus too much on the addiction and become counter-productive in some ways. Nothing you can't intuit on your own. Find your own balance. Glad you're here and take it one day at a time :)
  10. GottaChange76

    GottaChange76 Member

    Ugh...I relapsed this morning. My weakness overcame me. Not sure how to feel about it though. You see my wife and I are trying to have a baby. Which I'm totally not ready for. But that's a different issue. She has us seeing a fertility doctor who referred me to a urologist. This urologist asked me to provide sperm samples via masturbation. What a weird time for me. I'm trying to quit porn....and I have to do this?! I've been putting it off for as long as possible but today I decided to take care of business. It didn't go well without porn. Couldn't keep my erection. It's like I have ED even when jerking off! Anyhow, I relapsed to get it over with. Turned in my sample. And now I'm soothing my guilt and remorse with tacos.

    The rub is (no pun intended) that my doctor wants two samples from me!? Two weeks (approx) apart. This means that even if I'm clean for the next couple of weeks, I have a high risk of relapsing again. Not exactly sure what do except stay as clean as I can one day at a time. And try not to predict the future.
  11. GottaChange76

    GottaChange76 Member

    I'm going to get through today. One day--no PMO. I can do it.

  12. 40New30

    40New30 Keep going

    Masturbation without porn, for someone with PIED can be almost as bad as PMO. You're lighting up the same reward circuits as PMO...MO can also easily send you back to PMO. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but in my opinion, you've got to give it all up.

    Real women are the only thing you should wire your sexuality to.

    Welcome to the forum, it may feel a bit strange, but it can help to change your life.
    GottaChange76 likes this.
  13. 76...we've all been there man and many of us on significant will likely be there again. So understand that the attitude you have right now is HUGE on rebounding. You have a good attitude so don't focus on the mistake. Focus on why you did it and how you can avoid it in the future. And just start accumulating days again. It's really that simple. Most of us don't just decide to stop and never look at Porn again. We start the PROCESS of never looking at P again. You're doing great and now just focus on moving forward again. I somebody had told me six months ago that I would go nearly 120 days without looking at P I would have said, wow, I must have finally slayed this dragon! But no. The temptation is still there. Always will be. But it's voice gets less and less vocal. You start to deal with it for what it is. A mere temptation that you can overcome. Good job man...
    GottaChange76 likes this.
  14. GottaChange76

    GottaChange76 Member

    Thanks for the feedback fellas. It helps to know you guys are around.
  15. Lowdo

    Lowdo Member

    Hi 76 - I just though I'd join in and add my encouragement: harvester is right, you have the right attitude and you can do this. Just keep focusing on the next day and although you'll always have difficult days (and weeks sometimes) it does start to get easier. I've kinda found it's a bit like gravity - the further you get from it the less its pull on you, but you have to keep forward momentum otherwise you'll start to drift backwards again...

    I saw your comment on you and your wife trying for a baby and you not feeling ready for it: if we're honest, very few of us guys are ready for a baby - it's a big unknown! If it happens though it will be a great thing - being a dad has changed me in every way for the better but it hasn't been easy. You'll have to roll with it and just like everything in life, take it one day at a time.
    GottaChange76 likes this.
  16. Rex

    Rex PMO free is the only way it's going to be for me.


    As they used to say in the 1970s, "keep on truckin' " , and don't let the daily stresses get to you. They will always be there. Continue each day to put one foot in front of the other foot, keep moving towards your goal of being PMO free forever. You'll make it there.

    I spent years letting those daily worries pull me down, I am done with it. Pray, pray, and work hard and leave the rest up to God. I am a true believer that fear and anxiety are two of the leading culprits to the PMO addiction. No matter how much we plan we can't predict the future, we have to leave it in God's hands and move forward in faith. And take the time to look at the many good things in your life that God has provided.

    It's all a process, we are all recovering. The further we move away from PMO, the brighter our futures will be.

    GottaChange76 likes this.
  17. GottaChange76

    GottaChange76 Member

    Thank you Rex and Lowdo. I am grateful for the kind words.

    The wife and I had sex last night. To our great surprise I managed to orgasm with her. Usually, I get up in my head with images of porn, flashes of some sort of depravity, and I lose my erection. Somehow, I waved those thoughts away before they could take hold of my brain. So, it was good. It felt great. My wife was pleased. But, I feel wary to celebrate last night as an accomplishment because I'm just not sure I can repeat that performance. Instead if being happy I worry about failing the next time. I could definitely use some confidence....I'm sorely lacking that right now.
    NUbegennings likes this.
  18. Rex

    Rex PMO free is the only way it's going to be for me.


    That's a big milestone! Great work keeping those thoughts of porn out of your head. This is a sign that you are healing. Don't worry the longer you stay away from PMO, the victory you encountered with your wife last night will be the new normal and will probably continue to improve.

    As you continue to heal, the longer you stay away from PMO, your confidence will return. The many years we have all fallen to porn have straddled us all down with guilt, feelings of worthlessness, and even self hate. It's going to take some time to feeling confident and happy about yourself. But you're on your way to restoring your confidence.

    I am proud of you, keep up the great work, and keep fighting!


    GottaChange76 likes this.
  19. GottaChange76

    GottaChange76 Member

    Working on day 3 of being clean since my last relapse. I'm debating whether or not it helps to count the days. It seems many of you do. Day counting feels like it gives extra weight to my problem with porn. But, how else can I track the re-booting process? Oh well, I'm just thinking out loud.

    On another note, staying busy is key when fighting my urges. I've always known this. But the lure of porn has always been so strong, that I'll say "no" to doing things, just so I can spend some time in front of my computer. This realization is both informative--because that awareness can benefit my recovery. And, it's depressing, since I've missed out on a great bit of life.
  20. Rex

    Rex PMO free is the only way it's going to be for me.


    It's good to realize the years lost to PMO but it's also good not to dwell on the past. Use it as a lessons learned in your life, you can't go back in time and change the past. The past is the past, it's gone forever. What you can change is the future. Focus on the bright future you can have being free from PMO.

    You're now 4 days free from PMO! Keep up the good work!


    GottaChange76 likes this.

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