Stairway to Recovery

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Hello Penis My Old Friend, Feb 21, 2013.

  1. Fry2

    Fry2 Well-Known Member

    I believe it. What a change you went through.

    If you find the time I would highly apprechiate it. Or maybe you could pm me a link. Anyway thank you very much for all the help and insights :)
  2. Hello Penis My Old Friend

    Hello Penis My Old Friend Well-Known Member

    Today is 83 days no PMO, and with one week to go to 90 days I feel like I have turned a corner in my recovery. I had been feeling some pre-90 day jitters but they seem to have calmed now, and I feel settled in my abstinence.

    B came round after a night out on Friday and we had some amazing sex, then twice again the next day, and once more on New Year's day. I was able to last long enough to make her cum with only penetration (a first), and my EQ was good, although rounds two and three took a bit more to get going.

    When we had finished on New Year's Day I looked up and said, "I think my dick is fixed". It was instantly as if a huge weight was lifted from my shoulders when I realised that I am now able to have good, non-self-conscious sex, without worrying about whether it's going to happen or not. I'm able to have sex as it should be: intimate and in the moment. I was worried I would never have sex like it again.

    I still think that physically I have some way to go, or I may have damaged my penis through years of compulsive masturbation, but it is perfectly functional and still improving, so maybe I'll get a diamond-cutter one of these days.

    Emotionally, I am improving, too. Me and B had a pretty big fight between Xmas and New Year, and I was feeling crap for a couple of days. The good news though is that I was able to feel crap and not act out. In the interest of full disclosure, I did look at some fitness model images but there was no M and I managed to shut it down. I am proud that I can feel crap and not give in. Life is emotional and I'm sick of hiding away in P.

    When I felt that weight lifted, it also made me realise how much weight I was bringing into my relationship. My hope now is that with my issue no longer weighing so heavily, as a couple our baggage is now back within the normal limit for a couple to deal with. Time will tell I suppose :) I mentioned this to B and she told me that it had been really hard for her, the way our sex life was, with it either not happening or me being visible distracted.

    EDIT to add that now B seems much hotter to me. I appreciate he body a lot more now that I am not concentrating so much on my EQ.
    Last edited: Jan 3, 2018
    cjm likes this.
  3. Fry2

    Fry2 Well-Known Member

    Nice man, really nice. Veni, vidi, vici ;)
  4. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    That all sounds awesome HPMOF, you've earned every single bit of enjoyment from it. You inspire me, especially with the term non-self-conscious sex, because self-conscious is my problem too.

    That said, there is a word of caution. We like to work towards things, and when there is no more goal things get a lot harder. Think of yourself as a boxer. Reaching 90 days made you the champion, you won the title of "ED cured". But now comes the hardest part, defending your title, for the rest of your life. Contestants will still come, when you don't expect it. I've read multiple stories on the NoFap reddit about guys well over a year who will relapsed and fell into a binge. I relapsed on day 118/120 one time, for example (still enjoyed some benefits though). It sucks, because we can never become complacent.

    Just saying this so hopefully you can enjoy the good times forever.
  5. Hello Penis My Old Friend

    Hello Penis My Old Friend Well-Known Member

    88 days down and going strong. This equals my longest previous "streak".

    Thanks Thebeg. With regard to the self-consciousness, I never realised how distracted I was by my own self until this veil lifted and I was in the moment. B had previously said that she felt that I was elsewhere during sex, and I didn't really know what she meant: as far as I was concerned I was in the moment. This may well have been true, but I was in a moment all by myself, instead of in a moment shared between us. The difference is really something. Sex is much more fun and passionate.

    Thanks for the words of warning, especially as I am about to head into totally uncharted territory. However, I think I have my head screwed on here (touch wood). One of the good things for me about SAA was teh acceptance that this addiction is just something I have to live with and adjust my lifestyle with that in mind. In the past when I've tried to kick this habit, I now see that deep down I've been in denial, like it is something temporary and I just have to weather the storm and then it'll be plain sailing. I believed in an end point. Now I think that I am already at the end point, but also constantly on day 1. This is just the reality I have to operate within. I may have written about "trusting the process" in the past, but now its seems like I never really did until now.

    So yeah, there are some things I just can't do if I want to live PMO free, have successful relationships, and successful sex. Maybe I won't ever be able to do them again (smartphone, Facebook, porn), but that is surely a price worth paying.

    On a physical note, those 4 orgasms in quick succession really exhausted my libido, and it's has only returned today.

    Looking forward to 90 days and then 3 calendar months this Friday :)
    TheScriabin and Thebeg like this.
  6. Mendoza

    Mendoza Well-Known Member

    Glad to hear your story-line is turning to be quite the inspiration for many of us! What you are experiencing seems to be light-years out of my reach, but it's empowering to know that there are second chances in life. I think we definitely deserve a second crack and make good with our plans before expiring and incarnating another body!
  7. Hello Penis My Old Friend

    Hello Penis My Old Friend Well-Known Member

    Hi guys, it's been a while since my last update and lots has happened. I have started typing on several occasions, but it's hard to journal here as I only have internet access in a shared office.

    @Mendoza Thanks for your kind words. I am proud of my record with giving up PMO, but it has been a very rocky road, and not always a happy one. We do indeed get second chances, but I'd maybe need at least nine :) Peeling back the layers of the onion I got to quite an unhealthy core.


    Today I am 138 days abstinent from PMO. It is fair to say I have rebooted, although I think that physically I am still healing. MW were non-existent for months, and now I get them only occasionally. I am, however, able to have sex multiple times per day, although if I do that too many days in a row I enter a flatline.

    I'm still getting harder and fuller and more easily aroused. For the first couple of months I would need physical stimulation and a long time to achieve E, but now a kiss gets my juices flowing, and sometimes even just looking. As time goes on I'm increasingly responsive. Take note guys: I was sure I was a severe case, and I feared I was irreparably damaged. I'm not. Even though I couldn't even get it up for P 138 days ago, I am now healed (or healing), and I'm closing in on normal sexuality.

    As for flatlines, I think I have been in two. The second one was the hardest to deal with as it lasted a few weeks, and came after a period of intense sexual activity. This caused tension in my relationship, but it passed.

    As for my mood, the first 90 days were textbook reboot: starting with wild oscillations between euphoria and black depression in the first couple of weeks, I then had a long period of sustained good moods. I'd call this my "brighter colours" period as it was when normal life and leaves on trees seemed so vibrant and full of colour. I noticed increased sensory perception, and at times an almost Matrix-like ability to focus. Since the start of the year, though, my brain chemistry has been restored to default. Unfortunately, my default mental state is flat, with feelings of worthlessness, jealousy, and insecurity.

    Mental Health

    And this brings me on to perhaps the biggest development in this, my final reboot. When I first met B, I knew I could no longer live with my addiction, so I reached out to my doctor and obtained a mental health referral. Over the past couple of weeks I have had two appointments with a mental health practitioner and I am on a waiting list for therapy with a senior therapist.

    The assessment was a hugely worthwhile experience for me. The external view of a professional provided insights into my life that my own introspection had not revealed. In her view, my addictive sexual behaviour is just one in a long line of addictive/compensatory behaviours that stretch all the way back to the age of 7. An emotionally unstable home left me with a gap inside that I need to fill through these behaviours, which have at times included health and unhealthy behaviours. In order: joining a group of bullies in new school, overeating, drugs, intense exercise, alcohol, and PMO. In a way, it's good to know that my addiction can be explained in this way, but it saddens me that I'm so messed up. She said that I should be a nurturing father to my inner child, and be the nurturing, caring, and stable figure I never had.

    The practitioner is not a doctor, but she suspects I have traits of Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder. When I googled this, I was in tears when I read that this is more commonly known as Borderline Personality Disorder. It does, however, explain a lot. I put the word "traits" in bold, as I do not display the full range of symptoms, but this is still very hard to process. I suppose I have some stigma against EUPD as the mental condition of "crazy bitches". Well, that's me :) I am trying to view it as a baseline from which to grow as a person.


    With B, I am 90% certain that things are over. We never really got over my lying about acting out, and it put a lot of stress on what was a budding relationship. I felt guilt, she couldn't trust me and lost respect, and try as we might we couldn't move past it. Yesterday, I came clean with her about my past use of prostitutes, something which she had asked me about before and I lied about. My lies came from a place of fear but now she doesn't know if she can trust me anymore. I understand this. I just couldn't lie anymore and in a way I feel lighter for having told the truth, even if it costs me my relationship. I wish I had always had the courage I found yesterday, as we could probably/possibly have worked through it without the lying. I am not easy to be in a relationship with. As well as my PMO I have a crippling jealousy reflex and fear of abandonment (classic EUPD). I want to use my new honesty as a baseline on which to build, and remember that scary honesty is better than false perfection. I'll be more aligned.


    I am still attending SAA and gain a lot of strength from it. Last night I literally had two shoulders to cry on. I am now working the steps, and it sounds corny but they really are just tools for spiritual change and personal integrity. There is a book called "Answers in the Heart" that is good reading for any human. It is filled with a short texts for every day of the year, each with a message of self-acceptance, honesty, and compassion. I'm still not religious :)

    So that's where I am. A success story of sorts but I still have a long way to go. The psychologist said I am in a good place, because despite the problems I have already cleared a lot of the debris, and I'm no longer acting out. It is hard, though, living without any compensatory behaviour. I am determined though.

    If anyone reading has any questions about SAA or mental health, feel free to shoot me a PM. I'm not an expert I'm happy to share my experiences.

    Here's to fearless authenticity :)
    Mendoza, Fry2, dig deep and 1 other person like this.
  8. ZeeBawn

    ZeeBawn Active Member

    I like your comment about "compensatory" behaviour, I fully relate. Well down on being clean for so long, each day clean is a blessing, especially when its preceding by a stretch of uninterrupted clean days. I realise that despite my own clean days, I am still in early recovery again, in the sense that there are certain underlying issues that I have yet to deal with in order to build the kind of life that I want. I see that the world won't just fall over backwards to give me everything I demand just because I'm "clean" from PMO. I still contend with a lot of negative thinking and compensatory behaviour in the form of entertainment and social media.

    I'm also attending SAA meetings again, after a very long time of not attending at all. I missed this week's meeting but making commitments to go back each week, even though I have a small baby. I'll be seeing my sponsor this week to do step work after a couple of weeks of not seeing him. Dealing with financial pressures and work uncertainty. But all I can do is strive to grow in recovery even though I might not be spiritually perfect.

    Well done man, I draw a lot of inspiration and wisdom from your approach as a recovering drug addict and alcoholic. You are an example that recovery is possible even through the darkest of toxic living.
  9. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    I admire your honesty. I suppose i dont personally think its always the best policy (like with the hookers) but very much admire your courage and integrity for thinking otherwise
  10. staythecourse

    staythecourse Well-Known Member

    This is all awesome to hear! You are definitely growing. Growing is a painful process, but we celebrate the gains afterward, for a long time. The key was putting everything down (PMO), which gave you the ability to see what was really going on. Seeing it is not easy, but its the vision for your health.

    Its excellent you are doing SAA. I do SLAA and in person support, a couple times a week, is so important. Stepwork really makes us whole again too. Stay on this journey.

    Finally, don't worry too much about mental health analysis. Look, I've had a lot over the years..eating disorders, drugs, alcohol, mental hospitals. I have recovered from almost all of this. It took time and work. But, looking back at it, over analyzing my childhood..I can get crazy about it all if I think about it too much. Its good to know, and intense periods of analysis are helpful, but don't let it rule your life.

    Keep up the good work. And check my journal, its been a rocky week for me, always like your comments.
  11. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    That was an incredible update HPMOF, you're doing such great work. You inspire me truly.

    Your account on your recovery is very interesting. Can you clarify one thing for me? As you metioned no PMO, did you have any O's during sex? Did you get any chasers afterwards?

    Right now I have sex in the weekend but I tend to fall of the horse one or two days later. Just one day with about 2 relapses and then I'm good to go again. But I fear it keeps me from progressing.
  12. Hello Penis My Old Friend

    Hello Penis My Old Friend Well-Known Member

    Thanks Zee. And no, life won't fall over backwards, but by quitting P we gain the backbone to face up to it. It's scary and disheartening at times, but it's real. I too am plagued by negative thoughts, so today I've been focusing on making my inner voice, the one that talks to myself, the voice of the caring father I'd hope to be.

    I didn't think it's always the right policy either, but it was just eating away at me as something I always had to bear in mind. I suppose it stopped me being myself with the only woman I've ever felt like I could be myself with. Honesty is hard, and might not work out as I like, but it gives me the most peace of mind.

    Thanks man. It didn't always feel awesome writing it but you are right: I am growing as a person. I hope to be less afraid to be honest and more willing to be imperfect from now on. It has been and will continue to be a long, rocky, and at times painful road, but it's the right one.

    Thanks for the reassurance about mental health labels. I don't want it to rule my life but I do want the tools to manage my worst tendencies. Would you share about your mental hospital experience? It's ok if you don't want to.

    Thanks thebeg. I am grateful that I've done the work to get here. Still a long way to go.

    I O'd a lot over the past 138 days. Probably more than when I was trying to quit PMO unsuccessfully :D I went from a couple of times a week, to once a day, to 4 times in 24 hours... to flatline and repeat. If I had any chaser effect, I was in the fortunate position of having a girlfriend who was more than happy to release the tension. That sounds very cavalier. I wasn't always super horny and raring to go or even enthusiastic about sex. But there were lots of orgasms.

    On several occasions I have felt triggered due to stress, reading tabloid press, or TV nudity. On these occasions I have masturbated to fantasy and it has released the tension. I think I've done it 4 times and I've been good to go with my girlfriend later the same day. I tried to fantasize about real past encounters or girls I've seen/know rather than virtual encounters, although they did pop up. I actually enjoyed being able to be sexual with myself again without P.

    Me and you have different approaches to this, though. You are doing well and I enjoy reading your journal and your dating exploits, but I know that I need a more hardline approach to dating apps. Is it possible that the messaging and texting is keeping you in a triggered state which, on top of the chaser, pushes you over the edge? That would be the case for me but I shouldn't project :) I'm actually a bit envious of you.
  13. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    i forgot to say congrats on doing so well with the no p

    also sorry to hear about situation with gf, i know how traumatic that can be

    Any developments? it sounds like she is very sensitive, not being funny but some people would understand why you didn't want to tell her you visited prostitutes in the past. i did the same thing and i didnt tell any girl about it either (I told my male friends though) so you would have thought she might have understood

    i do admire you for being honest, but seeing as she is so sensitive, i wonder if there is any chance that it might have been a little bit of self sabotage in this situation? or perhaps it was just you needing to get it off your chest?

    Last edited: Mar 5, 2018
  14. dig deep

    dig deep must stop wasting my life on porn

    Hi HPMOF, in your streak of 144 what's the longest you have gone without an O and how was your erection quality in real sex with all that MOing. I ask this because maybe I need to MO more (maybe a maximum of twice a week) to get a long streak away from porn because going hard mode doesn't seem to work for me. cheers
  15. Hello Penis My Old Friend

    Hello Penis My Old Friend Well-Known Member

    Hi dig deep,

    I don't think I've been longer than a couple of weeks.

    To clarify, the O's mentioned in the text you quoted were all from real sex. I've only MO'd five times, and all of those were this year.

    My EQ is still improving all the time. It was soft but functional for the first few months, and then around Christmas my gf started commenting on how hard I felt. It still varies, though, and can depend on how motivated/stimulated I am about sex in that particular moment.

    Just now, I still have a hard time Ming to just sensation, I think because my style has become so linked to P and compulsion. Taking it slower and letting the arousal come naturally works best, but the EQ is nothing like with a real partner.
    dig deep likes this.
  16. Hello Penis My Old Friend

    Hello Penis My Old Friend Well-Known Member

    Thanks C.

    She messaged me that day with a video about how we can't be responsible for each other's happiness. It's something we were talking about on Sunday night. The we exchanged a few messages on Wednesday and had a lovely text fight on Friday night. I accused her of playing games and punishing me, she said all she wanted was some space. We were supposed to go to a dance class together on Sunday but I told her I wasn't going and that I'd be giving her some space. She gave me mixed signals like she wanted me to go but wouldn't say so directly. The last thing I wanted was to go there and be ignored by her or whatever; I'm no good at pretending nothing is wrong.

    I sent her a message saying I was thinking about her on Sunday, but managed to be disciplined on Monday. She messaged me today about a class being cancelled tonight and we managed some small talk, occasionally strained. I told her that I missed her and it made my day getting a message from her, even if it was just to relay some news. I just get curt replies so she must still need space.

    I think MOST people would understand why I didn't want to tell her. She hates sex workers and she hates lying, so it was a double whammy really.

    I just needed to get it off my chest, mate. I knew that exactly this might happen, but it was the only secret I had from her and it was eating away at me. Maybe it affected the relationship with me sending nervous vibes.

    Now I'm just trying to be accepting of any outcome. It's tough but if it is all over then at least I am over my PMO habits.
  17. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    Ouch sounds tough. Good luck mate, my opinion would be let her come to you now, ease right back on the texting then see her in person when shes is ready. Like you said get on with your life. Imo you've done nothing wrong - nearly all men have watched porn and many have visited prostitutes

    My hunch is that she'll be back if but itll help if you give her space to miss you

    The hardest thing for me when a broke up with me was not contacting her but its sonething ive really improved on recently.

    Anyway imo

    Good luck :)
    Last edited: Mar 6, 2018
  18. Hello Penis My Old Friend

    Hello Penis My Old Friend Well-Known Member

    Cheers mate. And yeah, this is the advice I've got from my most experienced male friends. Hard to stick to though :)

    It's the uncertainty that's killing me. She needs time to process it so I haven't been dumped, but I have been excluded from her life. She still expects me not to do things that people "might feel the need to tell her about".

    Anyway, I'm just trying to stay healthy: hitting the gym and booking in lots of work.

    There's an outside chance I'll be in London this weekend.
  19. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    Its so hard to stick to, stay strong :) i find its the difference between listening to the logical side vs the enotional side of my mind, recently logic has been winning!

    If you are drop me a msg mate :)
  20. ZeeBawn

    ZeeBawn Active Member

    Wishing you all the best man, just focus on strengthening your recovery and growing internally.

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