Slowly Getting Older

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by 100DaysMission, Apr 10, 2016.

  1. Londoner

    Londoner Active Member

    Great news, and well done on your continuing streak! :)
  2. deadofwinter

    deadofwinter Active Member

    Sorry, I've been absent (without relapsing btw ;) ) because of business/being busy!

    I'm happy you're in the place you are at the moment. It sounds really good, I guess this is how PMO-free'healthy' people fall in love. It all feels very natural and smooth.
    Keep doing what you're doing. You're an inspiration to us all I believe

    - DoW
  3. 100DaysMission

    100DaysMission Active Member

    Thanks Londoner :)
    And thanks DoW, glad to hear you're doing well, I hope business is good for you :)
    I'm not an inspiration, and not in love (yet), but things are moving and going well in all my life so I'm pretty happy at least :D
  4. 100DaysMission

    100DaysMission Active Member

    Had a couple more nights with M. Still had 100% successful sex, though there's other stuff to improve upon. It's nice that each time I feel less and less worried about my erection and am able to give her more and more. Though I really think I'm on the way to being able to function sexually completely consistently.

    It's been fun being able to spend time together again. Initially this year everything was like 'wow, amazing, incredible' because we'd been apart so long. Now it feels comfortable once more, which is to be expected.
    I still have minor doubts about the relationship, especially when we're apart. And I have no idea what will happen when I go travelling/M moves back to Norway after she finishes her studies. But i guess we can talk about that later, she isn't very keen to dwell on it yet.

    Approaching 150 days away from porn and masturbation though, it's plain-sailing at the minute. There's no effort going into avoiding porn anymore, as there's simply no desire (though I appreciate this may change if circumstances do). Even when I'm high, I've broken that association with a lengthy PMO session. Hangovers and loneliness are probably the only two major triggers I am yet to fully overcome.
    Life outside of sex and relationships is going well too. Working reasonably hard, catching a few breaks musically, feeling happy, secure and confident.
    I want to start doing a hundred or so press-ups a day though. I don't go to the gym and it's nice to do a little something. First day today.

    Just in general, it's really rare I have a bad day. And the bad days when they do hit, aren't nearly as bad. I don't feel lonely like I used to, or sad in the same way, and a lot less anxious. I find things a lot easier to accept, and I feel well-rounded and composed nearly all of the time.
    It's a long way from the guilt, isolation, moodiness and anxiety I felt when I was regularly PMO'ing.

    I have the reboot's 'super-human' periods of near-elation sporadically still, for various reasons. But the most enjoyable thing about this stage of recovery is just a feeling of pure contentedness, nearly all of the time. I am happy in myself, my skin, and my position in life. Open to challenges, rational about obstacles. And I feel like I have a lot to offer myself, whilst still being mindful of the work I have to put in to reach my goals.
    Maybe I'm building myself up for a fall. But things are just good. I have no real complaints.

    Have a great week guys.
    Last edited: Jan 16, 2017
    Londoner likes this.
  5. deadofwinter

    deadofwinter Active Member

    This sounds good, it sounds like.. life, as a person! I'm happy for you. I can be completely and full heartedly happy for you because I'm also doing quite good.

    Do you also experience that the melancholy emotions you feel are more and more about other people's lives, the things they go or went though? Like, I feel for people, instead of just feeling sad about my own life or whatever. It's perverted maybe, but I'd rather feel bad about other people's life, than about my own, because it makes me feel less egocentric/selfish (which then in turns feel kind of perverted and egocentric and selfish)

    Idk. Almost every day I tear up because of something pretty or horrific that other people had to experience or are experiencing. It's truly a completely different way of feeling emotions. Amazing. It's something that makes me want to go out and help people that are in distress. WHAT IS HAPPENING

    Also: fuck! I always turn my comments into posts about myself. I know I do this, but it's because I like to speak from experiences. Please know that I read the things you write with all my brain cells, I just respond in a self-involved way. Sorry if that bothers anyone!

    I hope you will continue to be awesome in this sometimes-awesome world! (also, whatever happened to Emmanuel?! I hope he's doing good)
    - DoW
  6. 100DaysMission

    100DaysMission Active Member

    Thanks mate!
    It's nice to hear from you, either on my journal of yours, whatever you type. But honestly, I find it really useful to hear about your own experiences, we seem to see a few things quite similarly, so I appreciate your honesty - makes me feel like I'm not alone about some things, so thanks!

    And yeah, I don't know what's going on with Emmanuel, maybe he just has a lot of school stuff on at the start of the new semester.
    (heading over to your journal now to hear about your progress :) )
  7. AnHonestSoul

    AnHonestSoul Member

    It's awesome that you have super-human periods of elation. I'm still in a flatline and can't wait to feel better lol
  8. 100DaysMission

    100DaysMission Active Member

    Oh man, that's a long flatline! It looks like you've done really well though mate - do you have a journal? :)
  9. 100DaysMission

    100DaysMission Active Member

    Still having completely successful sex with M in 2017, literally everything is improving in that department - my foreskin is loosening up, my erections are getting stronger little by little (they range between 75-90% I think), and I've started to rid myself of premature ejaculation too. I'm a perfectionist in most areas of my life, and I'm really grateful to have the opportunity to sweep away some of my sexual problems too.

    I am having small doubts about the relationship though, and they're not completely straight forward.
    I still enjoy my time with her, as much as I always have. It's been four months nearly.
    But when we're apart, I'm becoming increasingly unenthusiastic about being together. We don't have a lot in common, and I'm realising this more and more I think. But we're good people, and kind...I don't know - can you build a relationship on physical closeness and attraction alone?

    She treats me really well, and I treat her the same. But I can't help feeling more and more sure that I don't think I'll ever fall in love with her.
    That sounds a bit mean. And I'm going to give it more time. But I think she likes me more than I like her again, and I don't want to string her along. Or use her for the purposes of rewiring, without seeing any real future for the relationship.

    I (and we) have resolved to spend less time in bed together though. Normally when we meet up it's pretty late so we go over to the other's house and stay up 'til the early hours cuddling, talking and having sex. I know I need to spend some more time with her when we can't just fall back on intimacy and physical touch quite so easily.

    So yes, as happy as we both are, I feel like we're reaching peak happiness.
    I feel really bad even writing this down though, should I talk to her about it? (delicately).
  10. deadofwinter

    deadofwinter Active Member

    How do you feel when you're with her (and not having sex)

    I always felt kind of bored and trapped when I wasn't having sex with my (now ex) gf.
    Some people don't need to have a lot in common to have a great relationship.

    I'd say, why not spend more time with her in daylight and feel for yourself. If it's not right, you'll find out soon enough. And then I do think that breaking up/talking about it would be better. Because the longer you wait the more it could hurt (you and her both)
    Talking about it seems on one hand: fair, honest, open, in my perfect world, people in relationships would tell each other everything
    On the other side: what is she going to do with that information? Would it be helpful, or will it just hurt her? You're the one who has to decide how he feels in the end.
    It would feel like a relief to talk it over with her, probably, but maybe it's a bit selfish as she will probably not be able to help.
    Maybe ask yourself what good or bad could come from talking about it with her.

    Idk, man. I feel like I haven't ever made the right decision because these things always suck either way.
    I wish you good luck!
  11. 100DaysMission

    100DaysMission Active Member

    Thank you very, very, very much for your reply DoW. You've given me a lot to think about (in a really good way).
    I agree that in some ways it would be selfish to bring these things up with her - though I hadn't thought of that myself. I really appreciate your input.
    I'm going to think, but more importantly do some more non-sexual dating with her.
  12. 100DaysMission

    100DaysMission Active Member

    Are you ever laid in bed, trying to fall asleep, eyes closed.
    When all of a sudden your perception of depth shatters, then distorts itself. Even though you're only looking at the back of your eyes, they feel light years away. Your ears start ringing and you can't move, even though what it is you feel repulses you.
    You open your eyes and everything is still broken. The bedside table is less than half a metre away, yet you don't reach out and touch it because you're scared that even if you stretch your arm in front of you it isn't long enough to enter your line of sight.
    And there's a crack in the curtains through which you can see a handful of stars, and you feel sick and you wish you were looking at your eye-lids again but you're too scared to close your eyes.

    This happens to me maybe once every six months. When people talk about being paralysed by fear, this is the only experience I can relate to.
    I don't know why I'm writing about it here, and I know it sounds kinda silly.
    But it stopped me feeling sleepy, and so I thought I'd write it up to open this journal entry.

    I've been up a few hours thinking of what to do with M.
    I think it's getting to the over-thinking stage, so I will just write some thoughts here and then hopefully I will be able to sleep.
    Last edited: Jan 23, 2017
  13. deadofwinter

    deadofwinter Active Member

    Are you talking about sleep paralysis / the old hag syndrome in the first part of your post? There are methods to deal with that, I think! Maybe look into that a little! Sounds unpleasant. (but inspiring)

    yeah, I can really relate to this.

    The first relationship I had, I felt like that too. Then she and her parents wanted to invite me to an (expensive) theater show over Christmas. That's what pushed me to make the decision back then. And also the whole Christmas thing, she buying presents for me and vice versa, I would just feel WRONG!

    I've had a few relationships, always ending like that (am I doing something wrong in relationships?)

    Hopefully you can figure it out.. What are you supposed to do?! Follow you feelings in their purest form, or think about it a little? I really don't know. I do know that love is best felt and not thought. But does this count for relationships? Not always, but feelings like this, this early in a relationship might not be a good sign.

    One last thing, are you sure it's not like.. fear of commitment? Do you actually want to meet other girls? (No shame in this!)

    If I had to compare it with my band (and I have to). I had to make the difficult decision of letting two people go a while ago, the drummer and the bassist. They didn't really fit in, they weren't really that good etc. etc. It just.. it made the band worse! So I 'fired' them (lol). It was horrible and I felt horrible and other band mates were like.. what are you doing are you insane how are we gonna make this work?!

    Anyway, a few months went by and we still hadn't found any new bandguys, but I still felt like I had made a good decision. And then we found two new people, and we've been playing together for a lot of months now and I must say: I've never been happier. Yesterday, after practice, I thought of how glad I am that I made that decision back then, something a lot of people wouldn't probably have done (because it's uncomfortable and scary and foreign. But now, we're 5 guys who are really on the same page and connect like crazy.

    Take from it what you want to! I'm still not advising to break or not break up with her, just sharing experiences.
    Just don't make it any more difficult than it really is, that is what I often do and then it does, in fact, become really hard.

    good lucksies!
  14. 100DaysMission

    100DaysMission Active Member

    Thanks for the help DoW - I need it! And yes, I'd never heard of it but it totally sounds like sleep paralysis, I'll do some internet research today :)

    I'm glad things are going well with the band too, and that you have no regrets. I fired two people from a band when I was 13 lol, but it was less serious (though it felt like a big deal at the time!).

    I think part of my concern is probably a fear of commitment too, but mainly because I'm going travelling for four months from May.
    I've been before, and everyone I met who had a long-distance partner was having a shit time compared to those who didn't. Plus when I get back, M might already be living in Norway again.
    So part of my fear of commitment is not wanting to go through all this long distance stuff (which I don't find enjoyable). But also there is just a part of me too that wants to start dating other girls too.

    I'm seeing her tonight, I don't really feel ready to make a decision. But it's my birthday tomorrow, and I know she's going to spoil me. It's an awkward time.
    I have no desire to take her gifts or whatever (I dislike birthdays, attention, all that), like I'm not postponing in order to celebrate with her.
    I'll just feel guilty to be spending the day with her if I'm still having these thoughts.
    But I'm not ready to decide.

    Thank you so much for your ears DoW. For various reasons I haven't discussed this with anyone else yet, so I really appreciate the time you've given me mate (and it's been helpful) :)

    Though I did speak to my mum. She says I should wait until after my birthday, M has been planning and is really excited to celebrate, and mum thinks I should let her. So some of the immediate pressure is eased :)
    Last edited: Jan 23, 2017
  15. deadofwinter

    deadofwinter Active Member

    Hahah, omg!

    This is actually so cool. Do you already know what countries you will visit? (edit: just realized that you didn't say: 'traveling the world'. Either way: awesome-pawsome)

    Also I get what you're on about with the long relationship thing, especially if she'll be in Norway then.. Hm Hm.

    note to self: this should always be my first tip when giving someone advice.

    I'm glad the pressure is eased, let it go for a while then. (at least while you're birthdaying)

    which brings me to a thing: last but not least

    I'm not going to get sentimental but it's people like you who make me glad the internet exists. I hope you have a great day, even though birthdays are days of woe and sorrow. Kidding, have fun!
  16. 100DaysMission

    100DaysMission Active Member

    Haha, yeah I don't like birthdays particular, but I had a good time!

    I'm going to to America and South America, not sure specifics yet, but it'll be fun to plan out :)

    I actually had a lot of fun with M, we went out for dinner, and it was nice just to spend time with her. We also watched a film and played some card games, it was good to just reinforce the friendship level of our relationship. I am 90% sure that it's all worth persevering with, and I am 90% sure that my intentions are good and honest. I will let it go for a while.
    There was one revelation that made a big difference too, I'm her first proper boyfriend (though she's had a few on/off sexual partners). She's probably more anxious than I realised, which explains a few things. Also it makes me more sure that I should start speaking to her about things. Like she texts me a lot, and it wears me out sometimes (it sounds silly but it's probably one of the factors in me thinking we should break up after spending a few days apart), so I'll just explain that I need some space sometimes, I'm sure she'll understand.

    Anyway, I'm glad my birthday is over, it feels like my year can properly start now. I have loads of music things to look forward to in the coming weeks, I've made a good start and I'm really excited to keep things progressing.

    Going to have a little change to my username too, let's go for the 200. It's on!
  17. deadofwinter

    deadofwinter Active Member

    These are great things to talk about with her!
    One time, my friend suddenly texted me; I'm gonna break up with [gf] tomorrow. And I was like, whuuuaaat why! And then we decided to meet up and talk about it and because I'm such a good psychiatrist, he found out what the real sources of his feelings where. And in his case there were also kind of small 'stupid' things that made him feel that way. So he decided not to break up with her and now they're still together after years and actually really happy. A lot of those things can be solved.

    America and South America, damn, super awesome.

    I did not know you could change usernames. Awesome. You'll make it to 200 days, I'm sure!
    100DaysMission likes this.
  18. 100DaysMission

    100DaysMission Active Member

    Cheers dude!

    That's a pretty useful story too, thank you!
  19. Londoner

    Londoner Active Member

    Brilliant, I want to see this happen! :D
    100DaysMission likes this.
  20. 100DaysMission

    100DaysMission Active Member

    Thanks Londoner, I want to see it too!

    150 days crossed off.
    Been really enjoying my time with M. I spoke to her about speaking less via text, she was a little disappointed and didn't really understand at first but it feels like a weight off my chest.

    Busy with my studies and part-time work at the minute - but they are all things I enjoy. It's really easy to motivate yourself when what you're working on interests and excites you. I think I am on the road to becoming a freelance musician and educator. I have a lot of different skills and I've found opportunities pretty easy to come by, the thing that has been holding me back the most is spending Mon-Fri studying, and also going travelling this summer. After I get back I'll start accepting more and more employment and just see what's out there.

    Anyway, all's good in my hood. After having a week of craving porn a fortnight or so ago, it has stopped crossing my mind again. Also seeing a lot of improvement with my ED. I'll probably never say I'm cured, but if an outsider would observe my sex life in 2017 so far, they would see no issue. So yay, let's keep it up.

Share This Page