Slowly Getting Older

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by 100DaysMission, Apr 10, 2016.

  1. Lifeisbeautiful

    Lifeisbeautiful Active Member

    Hey man congrats on your achievement. You seem to have made quite a bit of progress. Remember it's the beginning of finally moving on into a pmo free life. Your persistence has paid off. Give yourself a little treat and make new plans!
  2. 100DaysMission

    100DaysMission Active Member

    Thank you so much DoW, Esa, Londoner, and Lifeisbeautiful. (and many others!)

    I really wouldn't have had a streak this long without your continued support, advice and encouragement. I am very grateful, and I wish you all the best on your respective journeys too.

    I have a difficult four weeks to get through now - starting to take drugs again, stressful job, not seeing M, and just generally habituating areas of my life and mind that are quite strongly associated with PMO.
    So it will be a good challenge. Because yes, this is hopefully the start of a life of no-porn (though the chances of that happening are ridiculously small) and to achieve this I need to be able to keep it up when things are at their most challenging.
    I can't buy a new house every time I relapse, and tell myself I won't PMO in this one, this time (It's a strange analogy but it was actually one of the most helpful factors in building this streak). I need to learn how to change (and grow) when nothing else does.

    But yes, I'm rambling once again. I will properly reflect when I have some free-time, work is hectic at the minute. But I feel very balanced at the minute, secure, happy, calm, reasoned, fallible, but disciplined and hopeful. Certainly much more so than 100 days ago, the start and middle of my journal feel like they were written by a different me.
  3. esa490

    esa490 Member

    I know it is not upon me to give you advice, but I just want to say that drugs can be pretty dangerous because they facilitate our falls. I do use marijuana and alcohol occasionally, but I know that those drugs end up making me relapse. I am just saying, be careful I guess, we allow ourselves a little indulgence here and then there and then a little more here and a little more there.... and then we lose sight of where we are, where we were, and where we're going you know? Anyways, just my two cents.

    Wishing you the best,

  4. deadofwinter

    deadofwinter Active Member

    100DaysMission, and Emmanuel:

    Have you guys read The Doors of Perception by Aldous Huxley? Me and one of my friend always approach doing drugs like he does in the book. Idk, makes it less "drugs are bad!" and more: "drugs are an interesting way to see the world!"
    Anyway, it's a good book, it was a life-changing book for me at least. At the time. Creatively and how I look at life.

    Also, 100DM: "I can't buy a new house every time I relapse" haha, that is hilarious. No you can't, and remember: "There's bound to be a ghost at the back of your closet. No matter where you live"
    That is a song by The Mountain Goats: 'Up The Wolves' and it's awesome.

    Good luck, friend! Especially in the coming weeks.
  5. CidGuerreiro

    CidGuerreiro Active Member

    Congratulations on 100+ days!
  6. 100DaysMission

    100DaysMission Active Member

    Thanks Cid!
    And many thanks too to DoW and Emmanuel! I actually have a good relationship with drugs nowadays, though it's been a learning process. But I'm happy with my use, it is wholly recreational and I enjoy and feel safe with the experiences I have. I'm also grateful for the benefits they provide.
    So the only thing I care about right now really, is dis-associating the use of any drug with PMO (also hangovers).
    I have already beaten maybe 5 bad hangovers without PMO'ing, and maybe 5 times being high that I haven't PMO'd either. So it's just about reinforcing these new habits :)

    P.S. I listened to the song, and it was definitely great! (Especially the lyrics!).
  7. 100DaysMission

    100DaysMission Active Member

    Been working a lot this past week. Nothing much to report. I miss my girlfriend, but not painfully so, though I am really looking forward to seeing her - I will be very excited when the day arrives, but there are still another 4 weeks to wait.

    Still no PMO though, which is all I can do really!

    I mean...I imagine watching myself and how I used to PMO, as if I was watching myself through my bedroom window. And I see a guy lying prone on his bed in front of a computer screen for a couple of hours, wide-eyed and panting, watching ghosts fornicate until I see myself finally ejaculate into a tissue. I can't fully remember how I felt, but it still seems like a very sad image. A very lonely image.

    But when I imagine myself PMO'ing, it is still me I imagine. It is not a 'new-me' watching an 'old-me' necessarily. I mean, I am happier now, healthier, more secure, confident blah blah blah. But there isn't a disconnect between these last 106 days and my old habits yet.
    Though I think one day there will be. I hope that one day I'll look back with a sense of alienation, and incredulity. Or maybe even a perverse nostalgia.
    But for now, I don't feel that distance. And I'm glad.

    The 106 days are a good start, but they're already irrelevant. The re-wiring is the real journey. Re-learning an attraction to women (or whatever your sexual preference may be). I'm really pleased with how it has begun. But there are still inconsistencies and it has not been a straight line of progress.
    Sometimes my dick is really hard, sometimes it's not.
    Sometimes I feel really attracted to my girlfriend mentally, sometimes less so.
    Sometimes I am literally shaking with arousal (like I used to occasionally with porn after a long period of abstinence), sometimes I am distracted.
    And it's nice that as time has passed, my experiences have tended to lean towards the former more often than the latter in each situation with increasing regularity.

    But, more than any of that, I've had a glimpse of a sexuality that is more powerful than anything I've experienced with porn. A primal, spiritual, mutual, loving connection that isn't anything like what PMO is. And those glimpses have brought the most wonderful contentedness. Parts of it are similar to how I felt towards girls as a child myself, but parts of it are new.
    Though I have further to travel.
    I mainly hope that this month of abstinence from Os gives me the chance for my dick to heal more. That is the easy part really, but I know my mind can't fully restore itself until I have stopped worrying about erections.

    So that's where I'm at. I used to be dubious about re-wiring - I never thought I'd have to do it. I thought abstinence, and self-improvement would be all you need. But, no. I do need to, though I needed the abstinence, and self-improvement (and luck!) to have that chance.
    There's no duration on my aims any more. No 90 days, no 100 day mission. But there's a journey that I want to take, and I have plenty of motivation for the trip.
  8. esa490

    esa490 Member

    Well, as long as you're in control man. I am glad that you can also be strong when coming off of a hangover.

    I am also really glad that you are seeing the beauty of your sexuality. It really is great to go outside of myself and if I like a woman, get after her! If I get rejected, it's ok. I gave it the good ol' try! So proud of you man, discipline is the shit. Sorry I been MIA lately, but life has been good. Anyways, we're a long way's off from being fully healed, but damn it if we're not trying right!? Cheers man.

    Your friend,

  9. deadofwinter

    deadofwinter Active Member

    A nicely written piece. I'm glad you've come this far. A lot of people say a "full reboot" takes 90 days. What are your thoughts on that? And will you be making new goals? (not time-based then)
    Anyway, thanks for sharing and keep it up!

    - DoW
  10. 100DaysMission

    100DaysMission Active Member

    I think a reboot and rewire are completely different things haha. The reboot erases all of the shit on your brain, and then the rewire lets you paint all the good stuff on top of that blank canvas. Though with that distinction in mind, I totally agree that the reboot takes around 90 days :)
    But that's just my opinion.

    Thanks for dropping by! One goal of mine is to be able to have regular penetrative sex with my girlfriend (with near-100% erections). The other is to feel completely attracted to women again (over porn) - this one is harder to measure!
    Last edited: Dec 19, 2016
  11. esa490

    esa490 Member

    Hey 100 Days,

    Wow, I never thought about making that distinction, right now I am just trying to do the rewire. Have you been reading any specific books that have helped in reaching your goal of one hundred days? Anyways, just dropping by and checking in!


  12. 100DaysMission

    100DaysMission Active Member

    Thanks Emmanuel for dropping by - I can't actually recommend any literature in that respect, I read a lot, but mainly for fun and predominantly fiction!

    110 Days deep.
    I'm starting to consider adding in some MO to my routine. If I stay together with my girlfriend for a while, there will be repeated periods of time where we don't see each other for a month. Whereas indefinite abstinence from O'ing doesn't affect me too much, I think regularly switching between periods of frequent Os to periods of abstinence may be a little damaging.
    I'm not sure. It'd be maybe once a week/fortnight tops.
    I guess I'll see how I feel when we meet back up in the new year, but for the mean time, any advice would be great. At the minute, I do still think there's a danger it would bring me a little closer to PMO'ing (were I to start MO'ing).
  13. deadofwinter

    deadofwinter Active Member

    Reboot and rewire... different things. Never even thought to think about it like different concepts. Interesting!

    About O'ing again. How will you go about this? Will you plan them in (oh jolly! it's Friday night again!), or will you do it when you feel like you have to?
    Could be hard to recognize when you really 'need' and when you just 'want' to orgasm. But I think this could be a new part of your... rewire (or reboot? erhm..)
    Maybe it could become something like going to the bathroom, you go when you have to and no more times than that. But maybe with a max amount of O's per week?

    The main concern would, of course, be porn. It could become dangerous when you're starting to masturbate to imagining porn scenes again.. hm hm
    Okay; my thoughts are: there are risks involved, but as long as you handle it as another part of your rewire, and keep your guards up, and keep posting about it here, I think it could go okay!
    Maybe just try it.

    Good luckies!
  14. esa490

    esa490 Member

    I know that you are far ahead of me, but I have to say, be careful. Once we allow ourselves to indulge in small vices, these may become larger and larger. We should always be weary of the slippery slope. Anyways, you know what is best for you and I hope you are doing well man. Happy holidays!


  15. 100DaysMission

    100DaysMission Active Member

    Hi guys, thanks so much for the replies. I read them a while ago, and I've been mulling it over quite a lot.

    I have actually come to a pretty firm decision though, I'm not going to MO. My erections have become more spontaneous and stronger during this period of not seeing my girlfriend, so it's the right decision for sure. I also started having wet dreams again so biologically I am releasing what I need (I also piss out little bits of semen every now and then haha).
    So yes, thank you. It is certainly not worth the risk, in terms of potentially PMO'ing or prolonging recovery from PIED.

    Anyway, nearly up to 120 days.
    Me and M sexted the other night, that was kinda fun. But it was different to porn...she sent a couple of pictures though I only glanced at them, we were both mainly just fantasising. However I sent her a couple of pictures too that she wanted to see.
    We've actually been talking a lot about having sex. I feel a little under pressure. I keep reminding her how quickly I'm going to ejaculate to begin with, but it'll improve. We are very honest in telling each other what we like and don't like sexually, which allowed me to practice getting good at using other parts of my body the last couple of months. I think it'll probably be the same with sex. (I've never had a regular sexual partner so I imagine I have a fair bit to learn).

    I'm really looking forward to seeing her though. I do miss her.
    It's been 4 weeks nearly and we have another week and we have another week and a half to go. However I've been really busy with 60 hour weeks at work so I haven't been dwelling on it too much.

    I don't really have much to add in terms of porn though. It rarely crosses my mind.
    Though I guess this journal is still relevant in terms of PIED and general rewiring.

    It's nice to have got to the stage where it isn't hard to avoid arousing material too. Like before I'd glimpse a picture of a girl in a bikini or something, and my brain would light up and I'd get mentally excited. But nowadays, it doesn't even register. I've already scrolled past before my brain realises what I've seen.
    I reckon this has a lot to do with having a girlfriend and things. I'm sure I will have moods when the urges are stronger, and periods of time where the cravings are quite bad again.
    But I really think my brain is re-wiring. I just want my dick to be able to keep up!

    Peace guys, I hope you enjoy the start of the weekend!
    Last edited: Dec 29, 2016
  16. deadofwinter

    deadofwinter Active Member

    You animal. Haha, no, awesome stuff. I haven't ever done that, but maybe when I get really confident I will. Anyway, it shows how comfortable you're in your skin, and I'm happy about that.

    Good to hear!

    What, really? That sounds like such a freedom. O my god! Reading that really motivates me. It's logical, of course, when your brain starts to rewire you don't get the same feelings. Damn! I'm gonna work hard for that freedom.

    I hope your new year's eve was great! Let's make this the best year yet.
    - DoW
  17. 100DaysMission

    100DaysMission Active Member

    Thanks DoW, yeah i feel in a really good place in terms of pornography, and I'm optimistic about improving my PIED some more too :)
    This week has been tough though, me and M really miss each other, and we've been on the verge of arguing a few times. But there's less than a week until she is back in the country, and I'm glad that even though I've been feeling pretty down PMO still hasn't been crossing my mind, even though it's been more than a month without an O now!
  18. 100DaysMission

    100DaysMission Active Member

    I get to see M tomorrow, I'm not entirely sure how I feel. A week ago I was extremely excited, but the past week I have been pretty down. I miss her even more, but I'm exhausted from it. Long distance has been really hard, and we've only been dating 3 months (with 5 weeks apart).
    I don't know how I'm going to feel/react, but we'll see. I am pretty sure that after an hour or so together I will be thrilled, but that first part feels like it's going to be weird. Hopefully I'll feel differently tomorrow.

    But, as shit as it's been at times - still no thoughts of porn. I started thinking about MO'ing a couple of times though... I haven't had a wet dream for ages and I've had really painful blue balls at times.
  19. 100DaysMission

    100DaysMission Active Member

    Man, I was incredibly nervous this morning, I thought I was going to be sick on the train to work. Still not sure whether we're definitely meeting up tonight, but I want something set in stone. If not, we are seeing each other Monday all day (as opposed to only a couple of hours tonight), but I would like to know really.
  20. 100DaysMission

    100DaysMission Active Member

    So it all went well.
    I was really excited when I first saw her, and it took me a good hour or so to properly relax. We both reacted different ways but that's cool, I was giddy whereas she was quite composed (but very affectionate) and then she started crying a bit later on.
    It was really nice to see her again, and I'm sure we'll really enjoy this term together.

    And, we had sex! Successfully! Four times out of four :)
    It wasn't perfect, the first two times I came really quickly, but that's to be expected as I had only had one orgasm (via a wet dream) in 5 weeks. Though the third and fourth time I lasted a really good amount of time, and I managed to make her come once and got her really close the other time.

    More important than how long I lasted was the quality of my erections though. I didn't fail to penetrate once, and this was even though the sex was at times really broken up - needing to get lube, or put on a condom, or sort out my tight foreskin (this has actually loosened up a lot), though sometimes I needed a couple of minutes fiddling around to get back in the mood. It's really great to feel like I might have a completely normal working dick someday soon.
    She said it's the best penetration she's ever had as well, which was nice, and I doubt she would lie. And I believe her more because she felt uncomfortably tight to start with - it was lucky I didn't last too long the first time as after she confessed it hurt quite a bit, and another time she started bleeding a tiny bit.
    I don't know, she's not a virgin, but maybe she hasn't had a lot of sex/been with quite small guys - I am only average size I think. She really enjoyed it, but even so I hope she doesn't bleed any more, or feel any pain ever, because that's not what I want to happen at all.

    Anyway, I'm glad (and very relieved) that everything went okay really. The pressure is off already, which is quicker than I expected.
    I'm looking forward to letting our relationship grow, and our sex improve, over the next couple of months. I feel very lucky.

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