Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by 100DaysMission, Apr 10, 2016.
Grats dude. Keep it up brother.
Thank you Risen. I wish you all the best too brother, good luck.
Most important lesson ever in case of productiveness: just start.
So interesting but also so logical!
I hope you're feeling better and less ill and I'm glad to read that you're feeling more positive about M, it could go anywhere, just like your feelings, just let it flow (yes now I'm sounding like a hippy)
Congratulations on going for a fifth of a whole year and starting that project man. Keep it up! Wishing you well 100DaysMission.
I hope things work out with M!
Thanks guys, again.
M came round last night. Two things to note in particular...
We actually get on well, and getting on even better. I overreacted when I decided I'd have to break up with her, after seeing her again I feel absolutely no guilt in keeping things going for the foreseeable future. We don't talk a great deal, but I am naturally a quiet guy, and she is not a native English speaker so it is probably too much to expect for us to babble to each other 24/7.
Also, she is really into me. And in a really positive way. I made a point of keeping a lot of my music skills under wraps for the first month or so, I didn't want her to like me for any of that. And so our relationship is built on just who we are, and I'm not going to throw this away easily. They say the girl chooses you, and I find this to be pretty true. It's often a lot of fun chasing a girl, and trying to impress them, but it's not how any of my relationships have started, and eventually it tortured your soul if you get too deep.
So that is all good.
What is not good, is my dick. I'm still yet to be over 80% hard with M, and my erections do still disappear often. There are a couple of poditives though. The foreskin problem is sorted, and biologically I can get 100% hard (I didn't see M for a week and I was getting completely hard without touch regularly). So the problem is clearly all in my head.
Perhaps I'm deeper into this PIED thing than I'd like to admit.
I guess time is the best thing to give right now, but any practical advice about how to retrain my brain and dick would be great. They just don't work together very well at the minute.
Luckily it's not putting any strain on the relationship yet. I'm hard enough to come (though often too quick), and I am more than happy to keep going down on her and using my fingers. I just wish I was 16 again and everything worked. Though I guess it is good to be able to have the opportunity, still relatively young, to work through some of these problems.
Well more progress I guess.
Went round to Ms for the first time last night. It was really fun.
I didn't manage to get over 80% hard, but I was also never any softer, and none of my erections disappeared randomly.
This is all the more impressive to me because I only saw her a day before, so not much recovery time.
I spoke to her and said I didn't want to try and have sex for a while. I've found it a little bit overwhelming at times, like when you MO all you think about is your dick, but sex is a much more all encompassing experience, and I think it'll take some adjustment.
But I said we should totally still fool around. Though I started limiting my orgasms, and will continue to do so (only 1 yesterday).
So it is getting better I think. Though I'm going to try and stick to these principles and see if I notice some definite improvement (as opposed to having a good night, then a bad night etc).
I feel really lucky, because I genuinely need to rewire, and I think abstaining from full sex for a while will help. It's great that M really doesn't mind - though it probably helps that the sex has been pretty shit so far haha. And she is completely content with doing everything else apart from sex with each other - we are both getting better and better at finding out what the other likes, so this is really cool.
She's a great girl. I was really happy when I was with her, and I feel lucky that she likes me so much.
Good stuff, friend. Still checking your journal every day. How's the creativity and productivity?
Hi DoW, thanks for asking (I'm looking forward to having an update on your journal too!)
My productivity is good. My life is so full of freelance paid work at the minute, that I am struggling to find much time to do my academic work and study...though the freelance stuff is great for my general musical experience and progression. Plus, when I sit down to do my proper independent work, the flow is good, and so is the quality. And, I have relatively few deadlines for my university work, or any time pressure at all, so this situation can last indefinitely.
The creativity question has an odd answer. I am feeling reasonably creative, but that creativity is coming from a different place. It's something you've alluded to on your journal a few times I think (or something similar)...
Whereas usually creativity used to come from extreme loneliness or sadness (though never happiness), now it's more likely to come from simple, mechanical, repetitive intellectual stimulation. Having an idea used to be a moment of inspiration, elusive and irregular, but now it is much more attainable, and provokable, but maybe less explosive.
I should note that this is not entirely down to the reboot of course. Since I was 16 I have been working on trying to stimulate creativity without relying on overwhelming emotion, or an epiphany-like moment. Just lately, I have been nearly entirely using this pragmatic method, as I've been pretty happy with how the rest of my life has been going.
Also, luckily I'm yet to notice any difference in the standard of what I produce without that emotional trigger. It's just easier to write regularly without having to rely on it (ie. forcing myself to be miserable - which is perhaps not so healthy. I also used to rely on getting high to come up with ideas - again, perhaps not so healthy).
Also, I'm sure you've had similar experiences, where you get so wound up in a certain mood, and sit down to write something, or have an idea...and you think it's amazing, and cathartic and so personal. And then the next day you come back to it, and the mood has passed and all of a sudden you have no interest in what you created, or no idea what to do with it yet.
It's nice to be avoiding those situations.
I'm blabbering haha. I could write all day about creativity and where I find it. And I'd love for you to write back too about how you experience creativity - I know you have a lot of interesting ideas about creativity and rebooting, and being scared of losing that creativity if you reboot (or at least your mind tricking you into thinking this).
P.S. One more thing to add to this from a journal point of view - should I ever read this again. Today I had to give a group presentation/public speaking, and for the first time in my life (or at least the last time I can remember) I felt absolutely no nerves. My hands didn't shake, my voice didn't crack and my mind didn't cloud over. I was asked a lot of questions at the end, and instead of my brain freezing over, I was able to actually listen to the questions and respond intelligently.
I am feeling very proud, and this is almost certainly a by-product of the reboot/re-wiring. I felt very human.
Also excited to see M tomorrow. In a really healthy way. Instead of just lusting after her, more and more I am recently feeling that I miss her. It's funny how things change so fast.
I think the biggest reason I had major doubts a couple of weeks ago was the fact I hadn't seen her for more than a week, because I'd been ill - which probably didn't help either. Also I was over-thinking, and rushing myself into quantifying how much I liked her (mainly to avoid hurting her feelings), when really I should have just been relaxing and being present.
Good to hear about the freelance (paid!) work!
The creativity question is indeed one I've brought up in my own journal several times, because it's so important to me that it makes me go crazy sometimes.
Sounds like a healthy way of using your creativity. I do both, I guess. Sometimes I'm in an emotion and I start to write, sometimes I just start to play guitar and things come out of that.
Sometimes it feels like I pick up things throughout the day, like feelings and (interesting) thoughts, and they come up when I write and they'll turn into (a) song(s)
Forcing yourself to be miserable isn't good no, I think, and I don't think it's fair to yourself nor the music. I used to call this plastic sadness (I've been through times that I try to create things with plastic sadness).
I'm quite paranoid sometimes about songwriting (as you know). My problem is that I don't want to want to write music, just to write music. Instead, I want to write music because the music wants to be written (again, total hippie talk). I treat songwriting as something not from this world and amazingly magical, and it does feel like that, often. And when it doesn't go the way it should go I get very very upset. (start dramatic music) It is the best thing I have found in this world, even better than sex (then again, I was never really good at that). Also, I've always had this weird feeling that I'm channeling sentences and melodies from somewhere else. Sometimes whole songs just roll out and I'm like, where the f is this coming from and why is it already so complete and formed?
I don't think I'd want it any different, a lot of things are so.. regulated. I think I'd rather let songwriting be this weird magical better-than-sex thing that sometimes just works out, and sometimes doesn't. Even "bad songs" need to get out to make room for better ones, I guess!
I hope I don't sound like a new age smart ass.
One thing I have learned is just to "do"/try it, often.
Another thing to add, there are a lot of songwriters who probably work differently, I've read about some that are really rationally constructing something, and of course writing classical music was treated like mathematics. Everyone has their own foolish ways, but as long as you think it's good what you're making, you know you're on the right way.
Can't wait to hear the things you're working on these days.
Have fun with M and much luck with everything
This was really fun and interesting to read DoW. I'm glad you shared.
I'm jealous of how you feel about song-writing, I used to feel the same but I think the more I've studied classical music, the more I've been trained into being deliberate, and un-spontaneous (though nowadays I get my kicks from improvising).
Just completely stick to how you write, I think it's what gives your music a really organic feel.
It's weird, if anyone else wrote some of the things you said - especially about channeling melodies and having songs roll out of you, I would laugh and think they were talking shit. But I've heard a lot of your music now and it's really apparent that this genuinely happens when you write. It's special. It has all the creativity of stream of consciousness, without being incoherent or muddled.
You are very talented, and unique, and just embrace that - and let whatever you like pour out of you.
Have a good night brother
Don't know much about songwriting, but I do know about progress. You're coming up on 70 days tomorrow, now I know the milestones are not the goals, but I think its good to be positive and be able to look back on what you've accomplished with contentment. Anyways, I have been reading your journal everyday now, but don't reply each time. Just wanted to check in and say Hi and that I hope you're doing well. Glad to hear how passionate you are about music. Anyways, wishing you the best!
Thank you Emmanuel. Yes, 70 days is nice, but I will be properly proud of 100. My username is so silly, but it is also disappointing that I haven't been able to fulfil the goal it illustrates yet.
Went round to Ms last night. We are still not having penetrative sex, and I am still limiting my orgasms, but things are definitely moving in the right direction. Our relationship is being built on a more healthy - all encompassing attraction, but even so, I am becoming increasingly attracted to her sexually too, which is good just in terms of erection quality. So I will continue part-abstinence/moving slowly.
It was a fun night though, we stayed up until 4am kissing and cuddling and talking. We're becoming more and more intimate and comfortable around each other which is just so rewarding. We are making each other laugh more, and taking more risks with conversation in terms of expressing opinion, but it is all good.
I remember when we first started sleeping in the same bed, in the morning I just wanted her to go, but lately we have both wanted to stay together, just enjoying each other's company all morning. We both feel very lucky and happy and we make each other feel good.
I was talking with her about how I appreciated how non-judgemental, and supportive and accepting she was. She explained that it is not out of kindness, simply just because she is happy with how I am. It makes me glad that a couple of years ago (on one of my first reboots in fact) I started a number of good habits that have made me a better man. Ironically, one of things that has been hardest to stick to has been avoiding pornography, but it's cool that many other positive life choices remain with me today...
I just want to rid myself of this ED. Though thankfully it is not putting any strain on the relationship.
I should start exercising again though. It's one of the few things I make a lot of excuses for not doing. Maybe it will help with blood-flow and things though.
Ahhh she's really great. I don't think porn has crossed my mind once this week.
Ha, I just brought this up in my own journal too. I'm the opposite of fat but I really feel fat atm. and not happy when I ate something. Also I ate too many halloween candies. (I was fat when I was a child so I'm traumatized that it'll happen again)
Is there anything else you do besides the gym to stay in shape?
^ me being so happy for you.
Good luck again friend, "onwards and upwards"! (Sorry that I don't have any advice on the ED, I luckily have never really had that! Sometimes I wish I would have it a little..)
Hahaha, thanks for your reply, it made me laugh and smile.
I haven't actually been to a gym since I was 16, though I infrequently become motivated enough to do daily press-ups and weights at home. I've always really enjoyed sport so I am reasonably healthy, and I walk everywhere so that helps too. But I definitely have a musician's body.
If you feel fat/bad when you eat some things. It may be guilt about the things you are eating, as opposed to a shame of how you look (especially if you say you 'feel fat', not that you look fat). So try putting good healthy things into your body and see if it helps. Sweet things are okay in moderation, but maybe try avoiding like candy. Chocolate is fine, but I never buy gummies or anything. Maybe that might help you
Not a lot to report.
I feel pretty human. Long time without porn and been dating M a while now. Confidence is as good as it's been really, and general happiness and motivation too.
This relationship with M is cyclical in a lot of ways. It's happened again that she's reached a certain point (with regards to how serious she wants to be, and how much she likes me) before I have. Though this was the same as before, and I caught up with her - I just think she tends to over-invest, and I under-invest, so that's okay. We're still seeing each other regularly and I'm still insisting we spend time together in public (so as not to end up relying on physical closeness to get along). Still abstaining from penetrative sex, and limiting orgasms to once every time I see her, but this is going well and my erections are improving. I can't remember having one under 80% for a couple of weeks and in general they are hitting 85-90.
One thing I do feel guilty about is that I am becoming more and more attracted to girls in general. It's a sign of the rewiring I guess, but I feel shame that I am attracted to lots and lots of girls for many different reasons. It just feels like so many girls I know are deserving of love and affection.
Like, I thought that in a relationship, all this energy would be focused on M. Although she is of course the focus of nearly all of it, I do feel attracted to a lot of other girls. More than when we started dating.
I don't know...M goes back to Norway for a month soon, and I think that's going to be a really difficult period. Not in terms of 'Oh I miss her so much', because we've only been together for a couple of months...more in terms of 'Oh I don't miss her enough'. But we shall see, it's still a couple of weeks until she goes so we will just continue to nurture a relationship and see what happens.
However, this is becoming a successful reboot. I've had three altogether I think, though this is the only one with any significant rewiring. I wouldn't say that the previous two reboots were any less effective really, though I of course didn't get the chance to work a lot on relationship/ED issues. But in every reboot I have noticed a substantial increase in general mental health levels and happiness. There is a huge reduction in self-loathing, anxiety, feelings of inadequacy, and loneliness compared to my periods of regular porn use.
I'm an introvert. But at the minute, social situations don't stress me out and I can easily tolerate them and perform quite well socially. Though I still massively enjoy time by myself. Just that occasional instinct to run away when I'm surrounded by people is becoming less and less frequent.
I don't have loads to say. Just really hoping to reach 100 days. 24 days left, which is still a long time of course, but I will be so happy to reach it if I do. And I'm not viewing it as a magic number or anything, just as a proud measure of my own discipline and motivation. 3 figures.
It's funny that when you first start a streak, 24 days feels like such a long time to achieve. And even after you have made it to 76, 24 days still feels such a long time to wait. Though due to impatience nowadays, and excitement.
Hey! Man, you got so far, really good.
I recognize a lot of your issues regarding M. At the moment I don't have much advice. I don't tend to solve problems in my life, I just look dramatically at the sky until the problem moved away from me.
So interesting! Good self knowledge. I still think you think too much for "love" to be able to purely grow (I always do this, that's how I know). It's like my drivers exam, I totally failed because I was so aware that someone was looking at what I was doing. (And believe me, I totally failed, I wouldn't even let me on the road).
The thinking is could also be a good thing, like, if you want to write down interesting and poetic observations like "maybe I won't miss her enough", but maybe balance it a bit.
IDK! Just trying to give you any advice I have.
Good luck and we're all proud on your progress, your username is living up to its legend!
Thanks DoW! I appreciate your thoughts as always, luckily I am much more in the moment when we are together. But I do definitely think too much about love, and I'd do well to take your advice on board (at the minute it provides me a good reality-check each time I get my expectations too high, too soon )
Also, it'd be interesting if I should ever write a journal post while I was with her - I am sure it would be much more positive haha...we do get on great and she is ace.
Sorry about your driving test, but it's not the end of the world. And on the plus side, congratulations on your current streak!
Things are going from strength to strength with M. I stayed over at hers from evening until afternoon, and we both could have stayed longer but we had things to do.
She is starting to leave an imprint on me for sure, though for the minute, it is mainly felt when we're together. She's asking me to start meeting a few of her friends so that is cool, she must be proud of me on some level at least.
Erections are solid now. I haven't had a problem getting hard for going on three weeks. She's keen to start having sex soon so we will give it a go. The only thing I'm still struggling with a little is premature ejaculation. It normally only happens the first time we do anything though (until I come for the first time really), and I am less worried about it than ED - I think PE will just pass with time.
20 days to go till the big 100.
Take care brothers.
Good job on 80 days! Keep doing what you're doing 'cause it seems to be working!
Thanks a lot Cid, I am really happy!
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