Slowly Getting Older

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by 100DaysMission, Apr 10, 2016.

  1. jkl

    jkl New Member

    With a condom you are supposed to pull the foreskin back before putting it on. I have read that not doing so can damage the glans and foreskin because it is not having its natural movement.
     
  2. Thanks DoW! Yes I think you are right, I will not jump into medication yet, perhaps that was a bit of an over-reaction.

    I do know that I could never get used to the pain thing though, it is quite sharp. Though worth pointing out it's not the pain that causes me to lose my erection...it's the mechanics. It is literally impossible for me to be hard with my foreskin back, the skin doesn't stretch enough. I guess it's kinda hard to explain haha.
    I will see what happens for a while longer though :)

    Yes, I will wait. It's a big relief that I can easily satisfy her with my fingers. That takes the pressure off. Thanks for the advice :)

    Thanks for the response jkl :) Yeah, I get that that's what you're supposed to do, just I physically can't. Having an erection, and having my foreskin pulled back are mutually exclusive.
    I used to do stretching exercises to try and help it, but I stopped because the tightness really wasn't bothering me (it just is now when I'm not completely hard). Though all your responses make me think that I should at least do some more research into the problem, and then decide whether I should get the opinion of a clinician.
     
  3. dave46

    dave46 New Member

  4. deadofwinter

    deadofwinter Member

    Oh, sorry, I misunderstood then.. Hm. When I have a bodily thing, I always google until I have something that fixes it, some people are really creative with "fixing" bodily things, might be an idea. (but don't do anything drastic without talking to your doctor etc. etc.)

    Good luck!
     
  5. Londoner

    Londoner Active Member

    I have exactly the same problem with a tight foreskin. Come to think of it, that's probably a big reason why I have a sharp, lingering pain down the back of my penis after years of death-grip bingeing.
     
  6. esa490

    esa490 Member

    Well I do not know about foreskin conditions or anything, being circumcised but I can say that the progress you're making is super dope and I hope you keep it up. Are the other aspects of your life improving? Work? Study? Health? Finances? I would be really excited to know. Anyways I hope that these things work out for you and its so great that your significant other is being very mature. Anyways, good luck with everything and I am wishing you the best.

    Sincerely,

    Emmanuel
     
  7. No worries, I still appreciate your advice. Internet research sounds like the absolute minimum I should do (alongside going to speak to a doctor). I will get round to it, it's probably for the best.

    Yes, I expected some people to be in a similar position - it is reasonably common. It may well tie in with your pain too - I probably avoided this luckily through never using death-grip.
    When I researched it a while ago, there are some really simple stretches you can do to loosen the skin, but I found them really uncomfortable and got stuck in a limbo where I could half pull my foreskin back with an erection - so I stopped them after a while and just allowed myself to go back to how I was before.
    But there are medical treatments that work in a much quicker timescale.

    I'm just really not sure if it's something I want to do...I really like how my penis is, I can stimulate myself, and be stimulated by other people really well. I'll have to re-learn everything.
    There are just these issues with actual intercourse though, and even these are sporadic (but yes, something to bear in mind Londonder).

    Thanks Emmanuel for the kind words!
    Other areas of my life are improving too, but not particularly drastically. I've been rebooting, with infrequent relapses for a while...so my focus, energy and discipline have all been reasonably good for a while. The big improvements I'm beginning to notice now are increasing confidence, better social skills and just a greater sense of security within myself.
     
  8. Dating M today. The past couple of times we've met she's just come straight over to mine...but we're going to the cinema and having dinner this time. Maybe she will come back after though, I haven't really thought about it so will just see what she wants to do.

    Feeling pretty good and sociable lately. And my general sexuality is rising. I'm seeing beauty in a lot of girls again, and not just objectively which is good. Also feel really happy and get some butterflies when I think of M, and just spending time together. Though I'm still playing it pretty cool...and honestly the thought of being together still in a month or two is still pretty scary. I'm fine being exclusive, but being 'together' seems like a big commitment. So I'm just going to keep waiting for her to bring it up. It's still early days.

    I don't think about porn much at all, and I really don't see myself PMO'ing any time soon (I haven't yet in my new house so it would be very much out of habit). And I feel like this isn't much of a pornography journal at the minute. But I'm really grateful to have a place to write down my thoughts and get some advice, I hope you guys don't mind.
     
  9. deadofwinter

    deadofwinter Member

    I don't mind and I'm sure nobody else does. I'd rather hear you learning stuff in life than writing about relapses and peeking at porn and whatever. It's your journal, put on here whatever you want. Also the whole girl thing with M is totally relevant!

    So nice to hear that you're feeling butterflies.. o my god I don't even remember the last time I've had those. ???
    I'm so glad with how things are going for you, really. Not even in a "it gives me hope" kind of way, no, we've been here on this forum for such a while, you deserve what you've got going on right now! You're one of the people who inspires me to be a better person.

    Okay, enough sentimental talk, good luck 'bruh' ;)
     
  10. dontgiveup

    dontgiveup Member

    You're doing great, I'm so happy for you!

    Just a little warning: if you guys have a fight or something goes wrong and you get depressed there's a chance that you're gonna be so pissed that you're gonna say " fuck it, I'll watch porn again, I don't care anymore". I'm not saying it's going to happen but there's a chance and you should be prepared.

    Keep it up!
     
  11. esa490

    esa490 Member

    Great job!

    I think its important to write so people will know that there will be days where we do not think about masturbation or porn and thats one of the good days. I read your previous journal about M, I think its good that you're developing some commitment with her. You can learn a lot from this experience regardless of the outcome. Anyways, just came in to check on whats been going on in your journal and to wish you well.

    Sincerely,

    Emmanuel
     
  12. That's a really kind thing for you to say DoW, thank you. You inspire me too of course, and it's been really great speaking to you on here (and listening on SC!). You are a good man, and good will come your way.

    Thanks dontgiveup, that is a good point - I will have to bear it in mind. I guess there will be a chance of this especially over Christmas (if we are still seeing each other), as we will be away from each other for a month. I'll make sure I'm ready.

    Thank you Emmanuel, that's really interesting what you write.
    I know that I can learn a lot from this relationship with M. And that much of it would be very useful to learn. So my biggest concern is that I never want to be using her solely for that reason. I'm going to meditate on these thoughts for a while, and post something quite long probably haha. But thanks for making me think!
    I wish you well too.
     
  13. esa490

    esa490 Member

    Keep us posted on those meditations man. Just came in to see what you said. Cheers!

    Sincerely,

    Emmanuel
     
  14. Well so another update, and some drawn-out thoughts. I'm writing them more to help organise my own mind, but any advice or opinion is welcomed.

    Firstly - hey! Look how green my counter is. 60 days. It's good, this is the closest I've been to making it to 100 since summer 2015. It's taken a while, but I'm feeling pretty proud.
    However, what has truly amazed me in this streak compared to any other ever...is my instinctive reaction to pornographic (or rather, artificially stimulating) material when it appears on my computer screen through no fault of my own - normally scrolling down my facebook feed.
    I remember even at the start of this streak, whenever I stumbled across a hot girl in not many clothes, I would still turn away, but not before I got a rush of adrenalin and excitement.
    This simply does not happen anymore. I don't know what it means, I don't know if it's to do with re-wiring, and I don't know whether it is temporary...but I have never experienced this absence of temptation before - I'm really surprised and pleased.
    But it is all good.

    There is a flip side though, I do find myself mentally re-living my sexual experiences so far with M, and also imagining what we will do next time we see each other. I don't know whether this is ideal. But in any case, it is certainly the lesser of two evils at the very least.


    In terms of our relationship (still not entirely happy to use that term in it's traditional sense), we haven't seen each other for a while, and won't for a while longer. I've been really ill with some virus. I had a busy week that left me feeling pretty exhausted, and it must have made me more susceptible to one of the ailments going around. So I've just been laid in bed for several days, and will probably continue to for a little while longer.

    But, this has given me a chance to think.

    On our second date, M told me she didn't want a fuck buddy situation. Neither do I. But then, after the 3rd date we started sleeping together. I don't know whether she took that as a sign that I wanted a serious relationship with her, though she seems pretty level-headed and I don't think she reads to much into things.
    Which is good, because I am still not sure that an LTR is what I want with her. Though I feel I need to decide pretty soon - I don't want to lead her on, or make her feel I've been using her for sex. However, it is still pretty early days (we've only been dating a month), so I'm not going to force a decision until the Christmas holidays (another six weeks or so).

    I am very attracted to her in two main ways. Sexually, and also intimately. Both these forms of attraction are built on a physical closeness, but when we are noodling around, or in each other's arms having honest, real, talk - I am really attracted to her and everything is amazing and feels great.

    But when that physical closeness, in either form, is taken away - a lot of that attraction falls away too. When we are having dinner, or walking round town, or sitting next to each other and talking on the sofa - I don't think we actually connect very well, or even get on particularly great.
    That is the one aspect of our relationship that still needs time. We are not properly friends yet. And this is odd as I have always been friends with lots of girls, and found it easy and enjoyable to connect with them like that (even girls I've been dating, or been attracted to). It just seems weird that this part is taking the longest to form. It makes me thing perhaps we have little in common. Or not suited to being in a LTR together, as just that whole 'hanging out chunk', is really important.

    I appreciate I am probably getting ahead of myself, and like you guys noted last time - I can wait for an ultimatum of sorts from M...but yeah, that's just where I'm at at the minute.

    Though I do know I should decide nothing now, she probably hasn't either. However, I am going to continue to make a conscious effort to do more typical date-like things together, as opposed to just going round to each other's bedrooms every other night.

    And we shall see what transpires.
    Thanks for reading if you made it to the end haha. Hope you all have a great night/week!
     
  15. deadofwinter

    deadofwinter Member

    O my, I recognize this from the last relationship I was in (was in for 2 years + a one year break) . That's actually why I broke up. It was like; when she slept at my place it was all great but then after breakfast I felt empty and bored and actually just wanted her to .... leave. I took this as a sign that we didn't connect and I couldn't see myself going on like that.

    Some thoughts (based on my experience, but maybe you can use my stream of consciousness writing in your own situation): maybe I should've tried more. Maybe I was bored because we weren't "doing" anything. On the other side, does a relationship always need distraction? Is that how marriages work, is that why almost all the parents watch tv all night? I don't know. I still hope to find a girl I can sit on the floor for a while (listening to records) with without being bored, but that could be a silly dream.

    Overthinking or focussing on things can also ruin/hide things that are based on feelings, like that connection. Could it be that you've been doing that? (I know my first tip is always "don't overthink", idk. It's just an important thing I've learned in life)

    I think the connection part is very important, but maybe it's something that could grow. It works differently for different people I guess. Maybe do some digging and find out why you wouldn't want a relationship. Could be that you're afraid to be "taken" because there are so many different girls you COULD have. (I think this is a common thing these days and things like Tinder are definitely partly to "blame" for that).
    But if it's really the connection you're missing, I wouldn't go into a relationship.. It surprises me though that you're feeling like this so soon. Often the brain fakes that connection the first few months of a relationship.

    Anyway, I've already written too much and it's turning into rambling. I always edit every post and comment I make but I have no time right now. I hope you can find some wisdom in there!
    Good luck and don't be shy to ask specific questions and/or advice

    - DoW
     
  16. That is actually very insightful, and helpful DoW. It seems our situations are actually quite similar in everything but duration. So obviously I will give it some more time. I actually don't tend to over-think in M's company, though it is perhaps good advice I could apply better when I'm not with her.
    In terms of the rest, most of the questions you have written I have been struggling with myself since we've been dating (particularly more recently of course).

    Especially whether a relationship needs a distraction. I too hold the ideal of being able to do nothing with someone. And it's something I have with a lot of friendships. So it would be a disappointment to not have it in a relationship. It'd also be something that would really bug me further down the line, as it did you.

    Also what you write about Tinder is very, very true. I guess on some level, I must feel less inclined to spend time making a relationship work, because I know that I have a page of matches and mid-conversations I could re-open at any time. Though in my defence, the attraction to this is in finding the right girl, as opposed to seeking any novelty (just another girl).
    I do really want a relationship. Just not with the wrong girl (that sounds mean). So I would hate to become comfortable in a relationship where I was comfortable, but nothing more. Because I've had that before, and it didn't end well.

    It's also really funny about how you say the brain can fake this connection for a few months. I recognise that so well...like when you are attracted to a girl, and you project loads of things onto her - she becomes the most hilarious, benevolent, sensitive, spiritual, wise, quick-witted, creative person you've ever met...for a couple of months or whatever. Haha.
    But yes, I have none of that with M. But what I do have is a much quieter admiration for her strength, compassion, kindness and sense of perspective.

    It is puzzling. I am puzzled. Though I did find a lot of wisdom in your response. And I thank you for it.

    Though one side note...
    I have considered breaking up with M at some point during nearly every time we've been together. And each time, the thought hasn't made me feel anything. Though I think about lots of things and don't really judge myself for it.
    But considering it tonight, it's making me feel quite sad. I don't know, maybe I'm realising it may actually be the better thing to do. Whereas before it was just simply a consideration, a hypothetical.
    I will give it some time though, things can change fast.
     
  17. esa490

    esa490 Member

    Hey man, if you need to break up with her, I think you should. You already claim to be feeling a loss of connection when there is no physical connection. You are not dating the person you are having sex with, you are dating the person outside of those physical connections and if you feel nothing there, well, I think you may need to split. Now I know advice is always contextual, but this is from my own personal experience. My ex was a wonderful woman whom I did not sleep with but we were together for well over a year. And it was in spite of her being very conservative. The thing is, is that I really loved the person she was and it was enough to keep me holding on for so long. Now although it did not end well, I learned something from it, I should not be with a person who doesn't make me happy. Now I think sex should be a product of love and personal connection, not vice versa. I don't know, I think I am rambling. What I am trying to say ultimately is that if she does not make you happy, you should leave and you already have been considering that. You know what's best for you. Wishing you well though,

    Sincerely,

    Emmanuel
     
  18. dontgiveup

    dontgiveup Member

    I think before you break up with her you should make sure that she isn't feeling the same way. Maybe she realized that she doesn't want a relationship right now, maybe she said she wasn't looking for a fuckbuddy but now she thinks it's a good idea. Or maybe she said she wasn't looking for a fuckbuddy because she didn't wanna come across as sluty.

    I say this because it's hard do find nice girls and I don't recommend changing partners too much when you have ED, I hate feeling paranoid or afraid that she's bothered about my condition, or that she'll tell somebody and stuff like that. If you throw this away before making sure you might end up regretting and missing her.

    But if she's looking for a serious relationship then there's no way around it, break up with her and move on.
     
  19. Thanks for you input guys, it's really interesting that the more I explain, the larger the consensus. Thank you so much for your perspectives, they help a lot.

    I am not going to do anything soon, I definitely feel I'm allowed more time, and she has said that she does not feel entirely comfortable (still nervous) around me yet, and I guess I am a little the same. When we are being intimate (cuddling up, but not doing anything sexual) we are more relaxed, and get on better. So this gives me hope.
    Also I can be pretty self-destructive in a lot of ways, so I am going to hang fire before I properly consider ending something that could still become something that fulfils me.
     
  20. Coming out of this illness now. Going to have a couple more chilled out days, but will try and do a lot of independent work that I need to catch up on.
    It's annoying, I've been putting off starting this project for like 5 weeks because I had no ideas. But as soon as I actually sat down and started working on it, the ideas just kept flowing and flowing. I would've started sooner had I known it would be so easy. Though maybe the hiatus did me good, and I did fill me time with lots of other things that may have triggered this inspiration.

    Will probably see if M wants to meet up this weekend, though I have a lot on so we may not find a time that works.

    Feeling more optimistic about things with her than 2 nights ago, and it will be nice to see her.

    Done a 5th of a year without watching porn or masturbating.
     

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