Screw#Femdom [OPEN GROUP]

Discussion in 'Accountability Partners' started by RolandOfGilead, Dec 12, 2014.

  1. Mara430

    Mara430 New Member

    I can agree this 100%. I also think femdom was part of me before porn because somehow I naturally found femdom interesting and stick to it until reboot. But I also don't want to live a life trapped by femdom. I have exact same goals as you do. The odds of meeting a girl who is only and truly into femdom is nearly zero. But odds of meeting a girl who is willing to try things you like (with compromising), is much higher. Maybe she like it also, who knows. I think it's important to explore what you like naturally arousing but also being not depend on something. I have to admit that I'm confused what I am but one thing is sure: porn is no longer part of my life and I want satisfying sex life with a woman!

    And how exact does one rewire? Rewiring is a wide term but it's basically anything real life activity with girls which associates your brain to the real thing. Hand holding, hugging, kissing, fooling around, foreplay and maybe intercourse/sex if you feel you are ready for it but don't force your erections/orgasms, it's probably counterproductive. And if you are not able to rewire this way yet, then also talking to girls, flirting, looking their natural beauty is productive. Connect with others!

    Read more on http://yourbrainonporn.com/
     
  2. Mara430

    Mara430 New Member

    You're going to recover! Good luck fellow!
     
  3. Somedude718

    Somedude718 New Member

    Today is officially 20 of no PMO after my relapse. Seems easy when I don't think about it, but when I start thinking about it, it gets pretty unbearable. So I guess I'll just have to do my best to put it in the back of my mind.
     
  4. luannguyen94

    luannguyen94 New Member

    The trick is to say NO in your head ;D, It'll crush the urges ::)
     
  5. Hey everyone, sorry for my absence and to anyone who messaged me privately, been on a vacation and then buried in things to get caught up with once returning home so only just starting to find spare time again.

    I've got a few things to share and noticed a couple things in a quick skim of this group.

    Firstly I noticed some posters suggesting they believe femdom/submissive interest is just part of who they are and not totally porn induced. I am very strong in the belief that its an innate thing so not strictly just a porn induced and therefore won't totally disappear. I had femdom tendencies before I even knew what sex was! That being said porn definitely reinforced it and for most of my life meant that it was my entire sexual outlet it's only now in my 30's that I'm wiring to vanilla sex. I've mentioned before I don't mind, I can deal with the fact I get turned on by dominant women as long as its not the only way for me to have sex life and I really believe I am living proof that anyone can get back to vanilla sex just understand that it can take time, effort, some stress/anxiety etc.

    Now for some general updates on me that may give some help if anyone else gets to where I'm at, hopefully you can learn from my mistakes. Just note this isn't all positive stuff but I think it's important to share the challenges I face and how to overcome them as this is a process that isn't always easy. The important thing is how you deal with the adversity and keep positive and determined.

    Firstly I'm not going to lie, over the last while I've been relapsing to quick femdom porn orgasms. It's never been more than 1 here or there meaning probably no more than 3 in any calendar month so while I know that's not sending me back to sqaure 1 and total PIED I know how stupid it is because it then brings me some anxiety about performing with my girl, not to mention I just feel guilty doing such a thing behind her back. Fortunately I've not allowed myself to get caught up in anything too extreme where by I just say to hell with it and go into a full binge mode and nor has it been hours and hours of binging. I've actually kind of deliberately once I knew I was sucked in just got it over with quick as possible so I can get back to focusing. I definitely don't recommend doing any of this of course but the point I'm making to every is yes even guys like me who have made immense progress have challenges and backwards step, the real key here is to shrug it off and do you best to get right back to living how you want to live.

    I tend not to feel that these relapses haven't effected me physically in any way or even my ability to gain an erection during fore play as I still have no issues with that. What I have found though is on a couple of occasions then I've felt more pressure when intimacy time arrives and kind of lost my erection before penetration or where clothes come off. It's definitely performance anxiety and not PIED which is why I want to write today as I think for many of us guys after rebooting clean for a long period and doing some rewiring the performance anxiety becomes the bigger issue and why wouldn't it? Most of us have failed before, we know our history with porn and how its screwed us when it comes to sex in the past so I think it's no surprise at all that some of us get paranoid and can't relax the way we want for intimacy.

    Ok I know that isn't probably what everyone wants to hear because we all want a seamless journey to being incredible in bed but believe me it helps when you get your head around these things and understand its pretty normal for guys like us, hell performance anxiety effects virtually all men from time to time so it's not even just us.

    Now for the good news and some advice I can give should you find yourself in my position. I failed a couple times to have sex for the first times with my partner and it's probably due to a plethora things, being tired, knowing I'd relapsed to porn recently, some trouble when dealing with a condom and at this point I've not told my girl anything about my troubles because 'so far so good, no need.' Well after a couple failed times I could see she was upset and thinking it was her fault, the body language changed and then she asked if I was attracted to her? Well of course I am and this is the point I have to say something because I absolutely can not let her feel like this is her fault or she's not attractive.

    So here's the cross roads do you want to tell your partner about your whole dirty past? Or are you like me and too scared to do that? Well I am not comfortable enough to give her all the details but I pretty much told her that I've had trouble with condoms, even maintaining an erection with some partners of the past so absolutely do not think this is your fault. Well her body language changed completely, from upset to sweet and caring so I believe its in your best interest to just know and remember that many or most women will actually like you more for showing the vulnerability and WANT to help you get past the issues and you know what if they aren't one of these women then get rid of her and look for a real woman and human being. I think even if I told my girl the full truth she would still be determined to help me move forward, I'm just not at that point where I think I need to and still to embarrassed so keeping things vague and broad is just fine. Just by confronting it in a more discrete way and letting her know that I have a really high level of sexual anxiety and that I just need her patience has taken a lot of pressure off. I don't feel like 'I perform or get dumped' or hurt her, I'm even able to have a light joke about it all which all just makes things easier going forward. The funny thing is last night after failing the night prior and having a bit of a chat about things I got to bed and was able to penetrate with a strong erection last night for the longest I've been able to. I actually couldn't finish but we both enjoyed that so it could just go on and on, the issue last night was other people were here and I think usually I find the loud sounds she makes something that helps me finish (probably my submissive side finding it more important she gets pleasure first) so having to be quiet kept things different. Anyway after a couple bad failures just getting really hard for penetration and intimacy was perfect, it will reassure her that its just something I may face from time to time but that I am attracted to her.

    Ok this is long as always with me but hopefully if you guys encounter these issues you can draw from my experience and feel more comfortable with a method that may help you approach it in a safe way for both you and your girl.Taking the pressure off helps so fucking much. In a nutshell I think its very possible that if you are getting hard for foreplay but lose it for sex it's more likely performance anxiety than PIED though that is probably the source of the PA. It's a vicious cycle the whole thing hence why removing the pressure from it all is really important.

    One other really important tip I'd like to offer as suggested by my gf:

    After losing my erection during foreplay at the point of removing clothes or going for a condom obviously we needed to change something. Basically this little bit of time was giving me too much time to think or for my erection to disappear and when that happens is when I feel the pressure to get it back up and just can't. So after 2 nights ago losing it in this period my girl suggested next time to just start foreplay with me naked so I can stay in the moment. I did exactly that last night and found I had no issues at all. I think considering so much of my past involved femdom and therefore not sex it's better for my wiring too because I'm still inexperienced where the female body is concerned so it should help wire me better to the naked female body.

    Well I think I will leave it there. I know it might make some guys worry reading about the challenges I'm still facing instead of just glorious success but that's why I wanted to offer a viable solution that is really working for me. Knowledge is our best weapon to fight all this so I hope some of you can learn from my challenges and hopefully get past them even quicker and easier than I am. I remember reading these forums when I started and only seeing guys complaining about their problems but not being very proactive in forming realistic strategies to get past them and being defeated when things just don't work perfectly. Reading some of this caused me anxiety before just having a go and kept me hiding away from trying for fear of failure but believe me having a go is so much more worth while and each little slither of success you have will build confidence that you are on the way and can get past these problems.

    Ok sorry for the long post, if anyone has any questions or thoughts feel free to share/ask. I'll try check back a bit more often now my life is settling down.

    Keep going guys, don't succumb to femdom!
     
  6. Somedude718

    Somedude718 New Member

    Thank you for your honesty. I think it's better that you open up about your challenges to us. Before I read your last post I just thought to myself magbe I'm just not as good at rebooting/rewiring as other people, or maybe my level of addiction is much more serious then others. But after reading your post it makes me feel better to know that we are on closer levels than I previously though. Gives me hope for myself.

    Some of the similar things happened to me not too long ago when it came to sex. I was getting into bed with a girl and everything was going great. We were all over each other, making out and grabbing each other everywhere. I got hard, way hard, which was much more than I expected of myself. But right after I took my clothes off I immediately lost my erection. We tried for a couple of minutes to get it back but it wasn't working out. She of course thought it was her fault.

    That was two months ago. After giving it some time and some serious rebooting, I'm waiting for the opportunity to try again.
     
  7. Yep I think it's important to be honest even/especially if I'm dealing with set backs. I certainly don't want to freak people out and create anxiety but that's why I'm mostly just going to post once I've found strategies to work past issues so that I can try put peoples minds at ease that this happens but it can be overcome. I know my one off regular relapses are going to slow my progress to really enjoy a trouble free sex life, in fact I fucking slipped up quickly last night again so right now I'm a bit annoyed at that. I just said to someone in a PM that I really need to get my ass into gear and get a 90 day streak of no porn in instead of all these 2-3 week periods because I think I'd have more success and progress to measure. Going to try commence that right now, maybe if I know I'm reporting here it'll help me stay focused in them moments I get weak. Complacency is easy when you've been in this process for so long! That being said no masturbating or porn is basically the lifestyle I want now so yes I may slip up but I'm not allowing myself to get back into daily type habits of either.

    As for the clothes thing man - if you get the possibility to just really start foreplay naked do it, it's one less thing you have to worry about and allowed me to stay in the moment so I could penetrate and just go with it. I found that condom/clothes could cause me to lose the erection at which point my mind wont switch off. The first time I had successful sex I had this issue but fortunately after just staying at it I eventually got hard again and was able to have sex. Trust me dude, you are not that far behind me if you can get hard kissing and touching, it's most likely more performance anxiety based now which is partly where I'm at. I would like some extra strength in my erection and general arousal during sex but I'm pretty sure my halted progress is the relapses I mentioned above, it's just enough that my brain knows it'll get the bull shit fix it wants eventually.

    Good luck man, can't wait to read about your success in the future, just have a go and most importantly dont let any set backs stop you.
     
  8. Somedude718

    Somedude718 New Member

    Can anyone offer some advice on how to stop having femdom thoughts running through your head? Like, I can deal with not looking at the porn and not masturbating. But I can't control my thoughts. Everytime I see an attractive girl I immediately start having kinky thoughts about them. And not even with girls that I see, my mind just drifts off and I start daydreaming about femdom. This can't be helpful, I need to stop it.
     
  9. It happens to me too, not so much with girls I see but rather just my past with these femdom women springs into my mind. I find it triggers more lately because I've been relapsing quickly every couple weeks. I really just have to just remind myself when I catch myself thinking of this stuff that I don't want that and try think of anything else at all. I think time away from femdom helps a lot though I can't offer much else at this point in time.

    Some good news for me, after relapsing the other night briefly I saw my girl yesterday and was still getting very hard while kissing her clothed in a public place so don't feel it set me back, oddly I may have even felt more horny. I know they say the porn chaser effect can kick in but I also wonder if it would do me good to spend like a whole week or more with my partner and have sex every day rather than mostly just on weekends? Going to ponder that as its possible it might help with sexual conditioning and libido. Does anyone else out there have any experience with this? Would love to hear your thoughts.
     
  10. Somedude718

    Somedude718 New Member

    I would say in the past when I had a gf, I would usually balance porn with sex with my girl. I'd probably watch femdom stuff once a week or so and I would have sex with my girl once or twice a week. There were times that I wasn't really in the mood but then I'd rip out my phone and look at some porn for a few minutes and then id be in the mood, then my girl and I would have some pretty great sex.

    So my point is, not that I'm an expert or anything this is just my opinion, but I do believe it's possible to balance porn with your sex life. Not sure if this helps but hopefully it does.
     
  11. luannguyen94

    luannguyen94 New Member

    Damn it, I PMO on the 80 days, just so fucked up man :-[ :-[ :-[ :-[. I'm feeling like shit now :'(
     
  12. Somedude718

    Somedude718 New Member

    It's ok man. It happens to all of us. I relapsed around the 80 day mark too. Think of it this way, you went 80 whole days without PMO. You know you can try again.
     
  13. Thanks for the post, I tend to agree that it must be possible but that being said for someone like me who is coming out of years of fetish ed its definitely not wise to be indulging both while I'm not truly fully wired to vanilla sex. I do feel like indulging in femdom porn lowers my desire for sex. Whether thats just because I expect it to cause to me fail or a real reason I don't know. Whatever the case the good news for all of us is that a slip up here or there doesn't set you back that far or I'd probably be back fully pied by now.
     
  14. 80 days is great man, just shrug it off and get right back to it. I certainly know the feeling of ending a great streak but as I just posted above I dont think 1 slip up sets you back far at all. I mean most of us probably went from countless hours and O's to porn in a week so to cut it back so significantly is a massive improvement.
     
  15. Somedude718

    Somedude718 New Member

    "Thanks for the post, I tend to agree that it must be possible but that being said for someone like me who is coming out of years of fetish ed its definitely not wise to be indulging both while I'm not truly fully wired to vanilla sex. I do feel like indulging in femdom porn lowers my desire for sex. Whether thats just because I expect it to cause to me fail or a real reason I don't know. Whatever the case the good news for all of us is that a slip up here or there doesn't set you back that far or I'd probably be back fully pied by now."


    Oh yes, I agree. Right now during the reboot period would def not be a good idea to try to balance both. Getting wired into vanilla is def the goal. I was just speaking terms of long term, down the road it could be possible. It's all about what gets your endorphins the most high.
     
  16. Yep definitely! I am sure its possible though as most of us have been what you could call addicted or conditioned to femdom porn its true that its quicker and easier to get re-addicted to something as the neural pathways fire up quicker when you return something you've been addicted to. It's definitely not something I intend on doing anyway but it is good to know that one slip up here or there isn't going to send us right back to full PIED and undo all the hard week of avoiding it.
     
  17. Somedude718

    Somedude718 New Member

    This may sound weird, probably because I don't know how to fully explain it, but I need a release so bad. Like, even though femdom still turns me on my desire to seek it out and watch porn is not so much there. Lately I've only been craving some kind of release. Like I only want an orgasm. I'm thinking about vanilla sex with normal women. There's a girl in my office that I'm not usually attracted to (shes pretty, she's just not my type). But today I can't stop noticing small things about her that kind of turn me on. Not to worry, I won't be making any moves. But its a weird feeling. Like I don't think I've felt this way in a long time. It's hard to describe.
     
  18. That all sounds good and positive, nothing wrong with making some moves on a woman if you have attraction and want to rewire if you feel you are at the stage where it can help. One of the biggest mistakes I kept making was that I let fear hold me back assuming I wouldn't work. In reality I think I would have made the rapid progress LONG LONG before when I finally worked up the courage.
     
  19. Somedude718

    Somedude718 New Member


    Can I ask you a question? At what point did you tell your gf about your porn addiction? How much does she know?

    The reason I ask is because I'm meeting someone next weekend and there's a chance that we may have sex. But I'm concerned with the way things may turn out. I'm not sure if I should risk telling her about my addiction or if I should just roll with it and see what happens.
     
  20. I haven't told her, if you see the one of my long posts above I mention that I've kind of danced around that more so just stating that I've had problems with performance anxiety in the past. Primarily I've taken this route so she understands I have some intimacy issues but doesn't think it's her that is unattractive. I think as I've been able to have successful sex she does know that I can sometimes but just struggle others, long as she understands I have some issues and is being kind enough to have some patience with me thats all I need. There may come a point I have to explain the whole dirty past but as I've had some ok success I think if I just knuckle down and cut all relapses out I can seriously get better. There's certainly more depth to my post above on October 8th, I know it's a fair bit of reading but I think some of it is very relevant info that I lot of guys may benefit from, especially with regards to showing girls some vulnerability and trust actually making them want to help you with issues.
     

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