Screw#Femdom [OPEN GROUP]

Discussion in 'Groups & Meetups' started by RolandOfGilead, Dec 12, 2014.

  1. Hi Mr Know It All, thanks for the question.

    The answer is no I wasn't. I know some guys are comfortable sharing such things but I am kind of self conscious and feel a bit too much shame over it so prefer it remain private even though I bet my partner would be supportive. As I've been able to perform I don't feel I need to address it at this point in time. I guess I made the decision in advance to just give sex a go without addressing it, if I couldn't get at all hard or whatever I would have likely needed to explain it just so she understood it wasn't her that it was my shit as I'd hate for a partner to feel unattractive or something when I'm the one with problems. If I was sort of able to get hard etc and she could see I was into her just not enough for successful sex I probably would have just explained that I get anxious over intimacy so it just may take me some time to relax so that I could continue to abstain and rewire. Fortunately for me I was able to have sex first go, I wouldn't say I lasted ages or was especially good but I was never under any illusion that I'd be great lol. Great thing now is I can just focus on fully wiring and improving my performance in due course.


    As for your question Yuri - I actually had sex with her on top for the first time on the weekend. Like you I did last longer and she had to really ride me quite hard for me to cum which was actually pretty cool as I've found missionary I hadn't even needed to thrust really hard or fast to cum. Whether it's just the position or that I've had sex a few times now that I lasted longer I can't say for sure yet. Guess in due course I'll learn more.

    Hope everyone is doing well.
     
  2. Just letting you guys know I posted a success story in the official area of the site. Obviously that was always my goal to be able to post one and hopefully show anyone in a similar position that you can overcome this shit so it's nice to finally tick that off. I think you guys here would know most of the info as I've covered it before but feel free to check it out and if any other questions come to mind ask away.
     
  3. NewHope972

    NewHope972 Member

    Congrats man, glad to see one of us make it to the finish line! Your story is truly inspiring ..

    One question, did you have femdom fantasies for as long as you remember? Like before you started masturbating to porn and stuff?
     
  4. Yuri

    Yuri New Member

    How is everybody doing ?
     
  5. Mara430

    Mara430 New Member

    Hi everyone, i'm new user here and have a few questions, especially for you guys. I tried to keep this post as short as possible but it's quite long but worth reading (not sure if right place to write my story but at least u can read some parts of it and I think my questions are quite good).

    LET ME INTRODUCE MYSELF SHORTLY:

    -Started PMO at 11-12, only for femdom porn till age of 19 -> started rebooting 4th of May in 2015 so I've rebooted over a year.
    -I relapsed about every 3rd week on average, longest streak was 60 days. Always tried to reboot hard-mode, rewiring to real mates not so much...
    -I've realized that this porn-addiction is a REAL THING and noticed improvements during my reboot but still i'm really hopeless and unsecure... even had suicidal thoughts :(

    Now I tell more about myself, but if u had enough information u can skip right to my questions & thoughts to the end of the post. I recommend to read the whole post but if you're busy or lazy then u can skip.

    MORE ABOUT ME:


    ORIGIN AND OBSERVATIONS ABOUT THIS FETISH

    I really don't know where this femdom-fetish came from. I started masturbate & watch porn like a "normal" guy at 11-12 but i moved to femdom pretty quickly, found it VERY arousing and stick to it. I didn't realize during my adolescent years that i was doing more harm than good by wiring my sexual taste to fetish like that. I don't have any childhood trauma or clear memory that could have triggered this fetish EXCEPT I had very few dreams where was somekind of forced sexual activity when i was at age of 5-6, when i was a little kid and knew almost anything about sex! Maybe that was the trigger... who knows.

    I used to was relieved that my fetish was totally from porn but not so sure anymore because usually porn-addicts started with vanilla and escalate to more and more extreme porn and develope PIED and when they recover, their fetishes fade away. I've been watching femdom-porn always and didn't escalate to watch more extreme. Although I've stick to femdom, I finally developed PIED and femdom didn't do the same arousal as it used to be. Maybe I was desensitizing myself and was all that novelty, shocking material and anxiety that burst my dopamine... just like YBOP explained. If u think about it I always found a new femdom video/theme/domina/scene, always got bored to previous and had to find a new one... even though i stick to one category. Very interesting and scary at same time.

    MY REBOOT

    At my best, I feel great, confident, more social, active and dominant/alpha-male, happy, full of hope.
    At my worst, I feel really depressed, anxious, hopeless, insecure, introverted and passive, even suicidal thoughts arise which is very worrying...

    As I said, have rebooted over a year. At first I managed to stay away from watching porn about 6 months but I relapsed a few times fantasizing about porn and MO. Then my relapses included porn again and relapses was PMOing 1-3 days, few times per day. The awful feeling and shame when I relapsed... Last spring I started my longest streak, 60 days, hard-mode ofc. I managed to reach 60 days on 1st of July when I relapsed badly... That relapse set me very anxious and depressed for a few days because I managed such a streak. All my hope was gone and started to doubt if I ever gonna recover... I was very down but somehow I got better because I was sure I'll be recovered fully on some day.

    I have observed CLEAR EVIDENCE that rebooting has have good effects!
    - Social skills, concentration, self-awareness, enjoying life more (this is it when i'm not hopeless)
    -More motivation, even more healthier lifestyle, cravings for femdom decreased
    -MOST IMPORTANT: real girls have been looking more and more attractive and beautiful, sometimes arousing, though not as arousing as femdom was :(
    -Have experienced few morning woods which was semi-hard and fantasizing about real girls & vanilla sex have been semi-arousing.

    But now I'm in the point where I'm at worst (read above) even though I've observed CLEAR EVIDENCE that stop PMOing has had a good effects! You might think "WHY?! You have observed these good things, keep going man and it will get better and better". That's what I SHOULD think also to overcome this real life hell. Even though i haven't relapsed since 1st of July, i'm really down because:

    -This reboot has took so long
    -This fetish might be innate on some level
    -Started PMO to this fetish at very young age with no sexual interest vanilla sex/real mates or even vanilla porn. Maybe for a very short time but quickly it shifted and stick to femdom.

    QUESTIONS & THOUGHTS:

    THOUGHTS

    1. I have found few successful recover stories which had exact same elements that I have. 2. There's also SCIENCE which support that recover is possible. It's always a good sign when you got science on your back. 1 & 2: THAT GIVES ME HOPE TO CONTINUE. Reading other guys struggles is sad to read and can get to your mind if u spend too much time here as 1 of the successful femdom rebooter said but of course everyone is looking for answers to real life hell. Even though my story wasn't very inspiring because my struggles but during writing this long post my mood is actually getting better coz writing these problems & observations is really therapeutic and have decreased my doubts about reboot because there's EVIDENCE that if I continue, it will gradually get better and better.

    But the real struggle is the VERY LONG REBOOT TIME. Usually when I relapsed I got eventually better mood by having strong faith to this progress but this time it has been oddly depressing and anxious feeling even though not relapsed! Have been down 3 days and my Mom is very worried about me. I have told her about this problem on some level (not porn-addiction nor my weird fetishes) but it's VERY IMPORTANT THAT YOU HAVE SOMEONE TO TALK TO! I'm going to sexual therapeutic on next week and let's see if that's helpful. I'm prepared to that their model is "sexual tastes are always innate and cannot change" which is mostly false. But let's see.

    When I have wrote this, I have noticed some flaws about my reboot which slows down the process.
    -Not rewiring very much, only fantasy and voeyer level on real deal which isn't the best way
    -Anxiety and depressed mood
    -I'm focusing too much in my past, not in the future which can be very happy if keep fighting :)

    QUESTIONS:

    1. Do you think this fetish is mostly porn-induced like other fetishes? Yes, there are stories when it was all about one fetish only and they have recovered so I think it could be innate on some level, bdsm have been existed before porn but it's reinforced by porn and it shouldn't be so powerful that we couldn't get aroused by vanilla sex when recovered eventually.

    2. Is there anyone who can say 100% sure that this femdom addiction will only be temporary and you will be able to ENJOY VANILLA SEX LIKE IT ALWAYS WAS THEIR THING/LIKE THERE WERE NEVER FEMDOM ADDICTION/VANILLA SEX FEELS NOT ONLY "GOOD" BUT FANTASTIC AND AWESOME? So can vanilla sex ever be amazing to us or will it be just fine feeling but not heavenly great love making that makes you crave it more? And if it's the case that 1st it's just "good", will it become heavenly great and awesome later as you get improving?

    3. If you couldn't reboot to enjoy vanilla sex even u had rebooted like 2-3 years PERFECTLY and you have done EVERYTHING RIGHT, would you accept your sexuality and move to real life bdsm/femdom? Would you find longterm-love who is interested in same things/willing to do your fantasies and live relatively normal life? Or would you just find dommes and have your sessions when you feel like and forget wife, romance, love and raising a family?

    4. Continuation to previous question which is quite interesting and very troubling for me: If you manage to enjoy vanilla sex on some level, not very arousing or awesome but just fine like I said, would you choose:
    -Life with love, romance, semi-good sex and having kids
    -BDSM lifestyle with no romance, love nor kids
    -combination of both

    Of course, 3. and 4. questions are theoretical and FOR ME, bdsm lifestyle without love and romance wouldn't be nothing but sexual addictive lifestyle with misery and loneliness. It would be highly arousing but once you are finished I would feel ashamed, anxious, miserably and humiliated in non-sexual level, just like after relapse. That kind of sexlife with trusted person who loves you would be only possible bdsm lifestyle for me but meeting person like that would be unlikely.

    Even I speculate with these scenarios, bdsm is not my goal. My goal is to reboot and I think I'm going to success. Remember when I said i was at my worst? Not anymore, writing this to you guys is very helpful and I have hope again. There's recover stories which has shown that rebooting works and seemingly impossible things comes possible, our brains are neuroplastic; the curse and the blessing. My goal is to reach 90 days hardmore and hopefully and (likely) see some improvements! But I have to rewire more (even if not kissing/cuddling/handsholding/vanilla love making, thinking about it have shown to me useful)
     
  6. Yuri

    Yuri New Member

    Goodluck with ur reboot Mara430, having a girlfriend taht you love is def. much worthy than an empty bdsm lifestyle.
     
  7. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    Hey Mara, I'm a newbie (honestly, I don't think anyone can explain femdom entirely) but I'll give it a shot from my point of view:

    In my case, I'm 100% sure it wasn't porn-induced as I moved on to this fetish right after discovering porn (never masturbated to vanilla porn) but I wouldn't say it was innate - it was caused by my mother being very abusive towards me in first years of my life. So I kinda learnt that her sweet love HAS to be taxed by her screaming at me, beating me and threatening to kill me.

    I am like 1 year in my reboot and definitely saw some impovement but didn't have succesful vanilla sex yet but for the first time in my life I felt arousal after seeing naked female butt in real life. Still can't connect with women emotionally so I have no idea how to move to the point where they present their naked ass to me. So can't tell from experience but I'm also interested in knowing the answer.

    There are few problems with that:
    1) First of all, PIED caused me to not get erection in femdom scenarios/flirting. But it's not the biggest problem as PIED can be overcame after abstaining from porn (that's what we know from this site).

    2) Second problem is that finding femdom-love is easier said than done, in my case, it's nearly impossible since sadistic women aren't very likely to come out, they often feel the same way about femdom as we do and in my experience it limits your dating options quite harshly. Submissive male is a turn off for vast majority of women, therefore the women who are going to accept that are going to be 3 leagues lower than vanilla women interested in you, also femdom dating involves a lot of relationship where women are like 15-20 years older than men. Moreover, from what I've read, those relationships are quite different from what we've learnt while watching porn so most likely it's going to end up being huge disappointment. TL;DR - I accepted it at some point but it still puts you in square one.

    3) The idea of creating my sexual life by visiting prostitutes is quite disgusting. I'm never going to accept that.

    And you answered last question yourself and I agree with that answer.

    Best regards :)
     
  8. Mara430

    Mara430 New Member

    Thank you for your answers! Even though I haven't got any answers from people who got successfully recovered from lifetime fetish-conditioning (especially GoingToSucceed), it's worth it to share thoughts between us who still struggles...

    It's really baffling that I have no childhood trauma or what so ever that could have been a CLEAR TRIGGER for me. I have a loving family, no sexual harassment from anyone, have friends... although I was bullies in elementary school but that had nothing to do with femdom, think so. So pretty normal childhood.
    I said that I had dreams of forced sexuality when I was a little kid. Even in those dreams there wasn't clear sign of femdom: it was a theme where was forced sex between two victims (boy/girl) by some kind of institution or like that... Sometimes I was a voyeur, sometimes participant (victim) and sometimes it was animated. It's fucking crazy to have weird shit dreams like in age of 5-6. So it's hard to believe it was those dreams. At least not the main reason. And before puberty, my thoughts of sex were pretty vanilla, not hardcore/fetish based shit. The dreams could have been develop sadistic fantasies or "switch" so those dreams weren't big influence IMO.

    Yes I do have some "typical features of masochist" (dominant in real life, pursuit of success) but I think everyone appreciate dominance over submission and pursue successful in real life. I've also heard that masochists are insecure and shy persons which means kind of opposite what I am. I was a shy and insecure but when grew up I became confident and dominant. So if I had masochistic tendencies in puberty does that mean I'm really masochistic for ever?

    The psychology of this fetish is so weird, contradictory, complex and baffling so I think it's wise to not overthink about it.
    Instead, I should focus in the present and the future and think how to get rid of this fetish. And what I mean by that is to be able to fully enjoy vanilla sex, the fetish can fade away if it's going to fade away, don't care.

    I've also seen improvements! I've got aroused a little bit by topless women in the beach and hot women in bikini. And last time when I relapsed my sensitivity had increased but not enough though. But still there's been gradual progress. The real question is: how far I can get? Is there a limit for my arousal to vanilla? Personally I don't think so. It wouldn't make any sense but it's very hard to keep going when it's not going to be linear progress. Once you get aroused by hot woman, next day you are in flatline and next week you feel great and the next week after that you feel anxious and numb again and so on and so on. It's like climbing a mount Everest with falling few meters down for every 10 meters up. Fucking slow and frustrating.
    My heart breaks every time I see a young couple holding each other's hand and I'm just thinking: that could be me but I've this weird fetish and PIED... fuck

    It'd be ideal to find a girl who is patient and very understanding. But I need more time to reboot, maybe my 1st 90-days streak of hardmode. But if I find a nice attractive girl before that then what ever, it's always good to rewire. This never ending abstinence is frustrating.

    Keep this group a live and your porn/fetish neural pathways dead. It's really good to know that you are not alone. This is too heavy problem to carry alone. Ask help from others and give it to back. I wish that GoingToSucceed would answer, that'd gives us more hope than ever.

    By the way, I'm going to post "need motivation" topic, I've some issues that need to be answered by successful recovers. Check it out.
     
  9. Mara430

    Mara430 New Member

    You've already probably noticed a long time ago but have to remind: In many femdom-videos those guys have ED! They aren't even aroused when dominated which I assume they like. Of course porn is only acting but still if those hot porn stars do nothing to your dick I think it's not even healthy to have femdom only sexual outlet. Nothing wrong/harmful if it's going to be some spicy thing in your sex life with your loving partner but I wonder where those guys got ED? Is that femdom lifestyle overstimulating their brain? Maybe?

    Lesson: If you are thinking about femdom lifestyle, is it worth it to develop more serious ED and you need more humiliating/deviant sessions to get off? Does this sound healthy? Think about it. Of course I might be wrong and it's not doing any harm to your brain/genitals, there also videos with guys having hard dick but I was just wondering...
     
  10. luannguyen94

    luannguyen94 New Member

    This is the first time I hit 51 days. But I haven't experienced any pros of nofap, just my hair are falling like crazy and I'm starting to think I'm going to be bald(19 years old). But I'll stick to nofap anyway, I'm sick of being a slave to those videos on internet. Got a girlfriend and I don't wanna hurt her anymore :(
     
  11. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    After googling "femdom addiction", look what I've found:

    removed link

    Didn't read it yet but 1st page seems interesting ;)

    EDIT: Removed link, turned out to be not interesting from our point of view :(
     
  12. kira

    kira Member

    Congratulations on 51 days!

    What other changes have you made in your life apart from staying away from pmo?
     
  13. Somedude718

    Somedude718 New Member

    I guess I should take this time to introduce myself.

    I'm Somedude718. I'm a 31/m. Been watching porn for about 10-15 years. Femdom porn has been on and off for the last 10 years but pretty heavy in the last 5. I never realized just how damaging it was until my last relationship earlier in the year. I had been fine most if my life and then out of nowhere I wasn't able to get an erection. I thought it was a physical problem, I thought the porn was the last thing it could be.
    Then the anxiety came, except I didn't know that it was anxiety. I didn't have the foresight to stop and think about how I felt. It really wasn't until I found this site and everything was made clear to me.
    After loosing my gf and getting some medicine for anxiety, I decided it was a good idea to not just quite porn, but to def get out of femdom porn. I don't believe there's anything wrong with the femdom lifestyle, but I sincerely doubt I will ever find a girl to be in a relationship with that's into that kind of lifestyle.
    I want to start off normal with someone first. And whatever that happens to grow into, then so be it, but I have to get back to normal before I can allow anything else to happen.

    I started my reboot, but initially I didn't give up masturbation, I only gave up the porn, which was the easy part. I went 110 without the porn, bit I could only do 20 at the most before I gave in to masturbating. I had the chance to have normal sex twice, and blew it both times. And then I relapsed.

    So now I'm going at it hardcore. Full PMO. So far I'm only 15 days in.

    So far I don't really notice any improvements. I think about femdom constantly. I want it to stop, but these thoughts just flow naturally through my mind.
     
  14. luannguyen94

    luannguyen94 New Member

    I'm a skinny fat guy and I've been doing bodyweight 4-5 times a week to lose fat, then I'll start to bulk. That's the plan lol
     
  15. Mara430

    Mara430 New Member

    Hi luannguyen94 & Somedude718! Thx for participating this group and sharing your story, finally this group is alive.

    51 days is great achievement, keep going dude! Even if your not experienced any pros of nofap, you still heading the right direction. Personally I've noticed pros of nofap (not all) but still I'm not nearly recovered. Keep on your mind that we've trained our brains to PMO/femdom for years so this is going to take long time to heal. I know it's frustrating, I struggle with this every day as everyone else. But also remember that there's SUCCESS STORY recovering from femdom-addiction by GoingToSucceed so there's a lot of hope. There's a lot of success stories with wide variety from gay/trans/femdom/scat-pornaddiction to recovery so there's definitely hope.

    Sorry to hear losing your gf... I assume this (PIED/anxiety) was the main reason am I right? Did you talked about it at all? I have to admit that I'm 20 y/o and never had gf (few girls were interested in me but I wasn't to them lol). This shit stops me hitting girls and getting a gf because I'm not ready to ask anyone out. Not yet. But even with time I'm still afraid of it because I think I have to talk about this issue whenever I meet someone. I doubt that I'll recover without any rewiring (which is essential for full recovery) and without saying anything to her. I've have to confront this with someone I like and take a risk of losing her but I have no choice. You can always choose not to mention anything about it but if you fail (or fail later) when you have sex, then you have to at least.

    I remember when I was a kid and dreamed about hitting girls in the club and having a lot of one-night stands but I think I never reach that in my youth which makes me sad sometimes. My only possible goal now is having a gf and it's not easy goal either. But I won't give up. I don't want to watch porn anymore. Ever. I feel more committed to this than ever but I know this isn't easy struggle.

    And remember that it's possible that femdom is part of you (natural fantasy/fetish) so maybe it's never going to fade entirely but that's okay for me at least. There's nothing wrong having kinks. And I mean by that I also want to enjoy vanilla sex but I shouldn't deny my sexuality. My natural sexuality, not porn sexuality. I don't what it is now but I wouldn't want bdsm lifestyle. I'd be glad if femdom fades entirely but if not, then I don't care. I can live with that. What I can't stand is this zero interesting in any real life sex. I want my ability to feel pleasure from real sex. I know I'm unexperienced but I know that I would fail if going to have sex with someone. I need time to heal.

    Anyway keep going dudes, you're going to win this battle. Good luck to your reboot!
     
  16. Somedude718

    Somedude718 New Member

    Actually the real reason we didn't work out is because I lied about the porn that I had on my Tumblr account. The PIED def didn't help though. Especially because neither one of us knew what my problem was. I thought it was something physical, she thought I just wasn't attracted to her.

    I think femdom might be somewhat if a natural thing for me, I've always been turned on simply by a girl being on top or in charge of the bedroom and this was before I even knew what femdom porn even was.

    But I have to at least try to get back to normal. I want to be able to just date a girl and start something normal. I want to explore a sex life with that person naturally. I don't want to live a life trapped by femdom. I wanna be able to have a thought about a woman without it turning into something dark and perverted. The odds of meeting another girl that is into femdom is slim to none.

    How exact does one rewire?
     
  17. kira

    kira Member

    @somedude718

    After a certain point in your reboot you will start to feel that your urges are fading away. Right now the problem is that most of us are wired to have perverted images in our head which can get triggered anytime and by anything. Rewiring is a process when you actually feel connected to a real human being. Just by a handshake, hugging or touch you will feel positive sexual urges. You will feel attracted and happy and not disgusted and gross, what porn makes us feel.

    Just keep on going and don't relapse, you will find light at the end of the tunnel.
     
  18. Somedude718

    Somedude718 New Member

    The hat happens if there is no one available to connect with? Every female that I know is taken, or married or something.
     
  19. kira

    kira Member

    There are 3.52 billion women on this planet, you will find someone. But first take your reboot seriously. In fact many have claimed to get attention from women once they have rebooted for a considerable period of time.

    Life is like a mirror, my friend. Once you start improving your life and getting better day by day your confidence increases and you feel better about the world in general. People notice this and want to be a part of your optimism. Your outer world is just a reflection of your inner world. My advice to you will be to only focus on working on your self. Make yourself better by taking small steps each day, rest everything will follow.
     
  20. luannguyen94

    luannguyen94 New Member

    I've reached 63 days, Once you get serious It'll be easy. Now just have to notice the pros from nofap, I think I should be clean from femdom if I maintain this progress. Wish me luck guys :D
     

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