Screw#Femdom [OPEN GROUP]

Discussion in 'Groups & Meetups' started by RolandOfGilead, Dec 12, 2014.

  1. kira

    kira Member

    I am struggling so much..I haven't gone past 10 days in years and when ever I feel I am doing good and on a right path, this shit brings me down
     
  2. Mr Know It All

    Mr Know It All New Member

    Can't remember specifically what happened the entire day when I relapsed. I do know that the last few times I've relapsed, it's been at night, when I'm trying to go to sleep, but my brain is telling me that I need to masturbate to calm myself down in order to fall asleep. Or there are painful sensations in my brain after a long day at work, and my brain tells myself that I need to "reward" myself somehow, or else I won't "feel pleasure again". It's as if it's desperate for some dopamine. I've also noticed that when I have a troubling thought, emotion, or realization (particularly at night or in the morning), I need the need to "escape" from it and the pain it is causing. Kind of like how the general population in the "Brave New World" takes "soma" whenever they feel something unpleasant to escape to a world of pleasure. It's like I'm having trouble dealing with/accepting reality.
     
  3. Redemption

    Redemption New Member

    How is everyone doing?

    I've not been on here much these past couple of months, but I sincerely hope this group does not die out. It has obviously been a big help to a lot of people.

    I'm getting pretty close to achieving mission impossible now. When I first realised how much shit I had gotten myself into - about two and half years ago now - I would struggle to even get an erection with most femdom porn. I couldn't get into anything other than femdom, I had never even masturbated to regular porn, had never had a proper girlfriend and had no sexual experience. I was severely anxious and depressed. During the course of this journey I have had my fair share of setbacks and relapses. For instance, I have had multiple wet dreams about relapsing, I have relapsed without even touching myself, I have repeatedly failed when the opportunity to have sex was there and I have been reduced to a nervous wreck on countless occasions.

    For anyone reading this who is just starting out and struggling a lot - trust me you can do this. It is not easy, you will definitely have setbacks along the way, but I'm pretty sure that for 99% of people escape of one form or another is possible. I never really had severe porn addiction, but I would say I was a 'hard' case in most other respects.
     
  4. NewHope972

    NewHope972 Member

    Hey Redemption,

    the reason I pretty much stopped posting is that there is no new content. I rarely see a new post from anybody else, but yeah, I do agree that it's a shame to let this group die. Hopefully people can start posting again on a regular basis so we can engage in a healthy discussion.

    As for PMO, I can say that I'm well, but a lot of improvement is required. Sometimes I go on long streaks, but then relapse because of willpower lapses, and then binge. I'm just now starting to realise the advantages of the spreadsheet tracking as compared to counters, which kinda encourage you to binge before you reset them and start over. Ultimately a combination of both is best I think. :)

    I also noticed the correlation of having femdom related wet dreams and relapsing shortly thereafter. So you say that you're close to achieving mission impossible? What does that mean? Did you have erection during sex? Can get hard without femdom stimulation? If so, congrats!! .. although there's still a long way to go before claiming absolute success :)

    As for the goals, I guess masturbating to porn less than 5 times during next month would be ideal. 0 is the obvious goal, but I've decided to stop feeling super guilty and like shit in general because of 1 relapse.
     
  5. kira

    kira Member

    Yeah you are right, there is nothing new to post and I think most of our time should be spent on changing our lives and our perceptions of the world.

    I think many are inactive on the forum. They would have healed or would have left for something else.

    Anyways eventually we all have to leave this place. We have to spend our time building our life. I myself will be limiting my time on the forum.

    Wishing everyone a good luck! Stay strong.
     
  6. ramo

    ramo New Member

    Can't believe this hasn't been read or discussed more. Found it in Mr Know It All's post.
    Read the whole thing starting from "Hello" all the way up.

    This really digs deep because for once it doesn't give the usual narrative of "not all people who are into femdom are sick or have something wrong with them". The author is referring specifically to masochistic femdom.

    For example, there is absolutely ZERO REASONS for it to be ok/normal for a mistress to piss on you and for you to get aroused by her doing so.

    http://thetruthaboutperversions.blogspot.com/2010/01/hello.html
     
  7. jjveetec

    jjveetec Member

    I've been wondering - how many guys here tried NoA method?

    I'm asking because it seems to me it's the common denominator for nearly everyone who's recovered here or making good progress and long streak.

    I remember that all those femdom urges start to dissipate pretty quickly after a couple weeks of strict diet.
    Then they will usually return from time to time but gradually lose their pull. At the same time "normal" sex will become more and more tempting... But in my case that happens only when I stick to the No Arousal method.

    Couple this with meditation, workouts and healthy living and you have perfect coctail for defeating this thing....

    The decision to stop must be very strong to keep on doing what we've got to do.
     
  8. kira

    kira Member

    I am a noA guy!!

    Its a lot easier to dismiss the urges when they arrive rather than fantasizing and edging for hours and then trying not to relapse.

    NoA is also helping me combat my day dreaming problem. I want to stay more present in the moment. I am also more aware of my triggers now. Its too soon to say though.
     
  9. jjveetec

    jjveetec Member

    Do you meditate kira?
     
  10. kira

    kira Member

    I used to practice mindfulness meditation. Now haven't been doing it since two month. Want to start again.

    I do 15 min/day
     
  11. jjveetec

    jjveetec Member

    I know one thing... When I did it, everyday (with rare exceptions, when I really, really couldn't) - I've been progressing. Out of porn, slowly moving forward.
    Once I started dilly dallying with my meditation and couple other habits - I relapsed. I can see that clearly because I'm monitoring it on the daily basis in the open office table
     
  12. kira

    kira Member

    You are right, Meditation is a wonder drug. Since the last two months I have been in a very dark place and had lost all hope. Now I am putting my life back together slowly and will be definitely adding meditation to my routine.

    I also notice that if I dont take action like studying regularly, going to the gym or completing assignments, socializing then I tend to relapse more. If I am taking action everyday for a better future it is a lot difficult to fall back.

    Last few days I have managed to abstain but haven't been taking enough action, just wasting time and procrastinating. So need to work on that asap before I fall back into the trap.
     
  13. Yuri

    Yuri New Member

    Hey Guys,

    Thought to share some updates, so I am in a new relationship now, been together for 2 months, postponed having intercourse til she travels to be with me in another country. we had great make out sessions and wonderful bjs. I m a bit anxious about intercourse and the mental games but since the blowjobs worked perfectly and were amazing , Am i worrying too much?

    Yuri
     
  14. Queen|s Gambit

    Queen|s Gambit New Member

    Great work Yuri! I am very happy for you. Yeah, go with the flow.

    Ad meditation:

    In my failed quest for hands free orgasm / 2 good things came out.

    I experimented a bit with erotic hypnosis / hypno fetish. Even greater bullshit as the regular P movies. But I really liked the first part where there is just the regular: Let go of all worries. Relax. Imagine all worries floating away, etc. stuff. Actually felt better. The second part about the P fantasy part is bullshit. Doesn't work. As always P is a con artist. It promises something but it never delivers. The cake is a lie.

    If you lack the discipline for meditation, I sure know I do. But I find it easy to put some headphones before bed. Try search relax hypnosis in youtube. There is also the help for P addiction hypnosis but as always. When you write something like P addiction documentary a lot of triggering recommendations are going to come up.

    Second. I experiment with binaural beats ("erotic" version). Again. The erotic part doesn't do it. But the relaxation part is great. For one week now, I listen to some binaural beats before bed. I think it could be considered some kind of replacement for meditation. I find it it affect me similarly as if I were meditating. A bit too soon to tell. Try binaural relaxation in youtube.

    http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/17309374
    http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/11191043

    Very little proper research has been done.
     
  15. Redemption

    Redemption New Member

    Sorry for the late reply.

    Yeah I think we need new content, I will try and add something below.

    Wet dreams about femdom can easily lead to relapses. I often had femdom related wet dreams, which would trigger a strong chaser effect over the next 2-3 days. It would be very frustrating, especially when you had no control over it and were doing everything possible to succeed. However, I found that the simple realization that the sudden urges were nothing more than a chaser and would fade in a relatively short period of time meant that it rarely caused me to relapse.

    I never used counters, only spreadsheets. Once I got past about one hundred days, I stopped using spreadsheets also. I agree they are better than counters though, for the reasons you describe. I never binged when I relapsed. The relapse just reminded me why I quit and taught me a lesson (e.g. never get complacent, never peak or test etc.). I think not binging when relapsing is really important and the key to it is understanding the mind of the addict: your addicted brain will constantly attempt to conjure up reasons to justify repeated uses of the drug it wants. Do not engage in an internal battle with it because you will only fuel it more. You have to have a prior understanding of the kind of tricks it will play on you and the traps that you have to avoid... the whole 'Well I have relapsed now so I might as well binge' is one of the most common, as is the idea that 'I have only gone a week or so, so if I am ever going to relapse now is a good time to do it because I wouldn't be wasting as much progress...'. If you are already aware that your addicted mind will summon these sorts of ideas at moments of weakness, it is easy to recognise them as bullshit excuses which just hold you back.

    Mission impossible would be having successful sex on a regular basis. I am getting closer, but the closer I get the more I am forced to recall one of the most important lessons from this entire process: progress is not linear. Thus, I have had occasions where I was really turned on and hard enough to have sex (I didn't because I feared putting the condom on would cause me to loose it, so I just enjoyed being in the moment), followed by other occasions where I have no libido and cannot really get into anything at all. It is very strange and confusing. I remember a few weeks back I felt that I was more or less 'cured' ... then a couple of days later I fell back into flatline and felt really frustrated again. A big part of the issue for me now is anxiety I think. This has become such a big deal, such a major burden to have carried for such a long time, that it is difficult to really be in the moment. Overall though, I think it is just a matter of time. I will have more ups and downs, but I feel I have been steadily on the right track for this past year or so.

    Yeah you should stop feeling super guilty when you relapse. My approach to relapses was always very straight forward. I banished it from my mind pretty quickly and got back into whatever routine had sustained my previous streak. Feeling guilty won't really help you much. What is your longest streak? I'm pretty sure that after a month or so you would just go into flatline, in which cases the urges would be drastically reduced. Getting out of flatline is one of my major issues right now.
     
  16. Redemption

    Redemption New Member

     
  17. Redemption

    Redemption New Member

    I'm not sure anyone is healed though are they? This group has existed for over a year now and how many success stories do we have? Yuri is in a very promising position (in my opinion he has already succeeded), but most others seem stuck. I think that is part of the reason for the lack of activity, people are just going round in circles. Add to that that when you have no successes, it tends to create quite a depressing atmosphere, which is unhelpful if you are trying to make progress.

    Given this impasse, I'll return to an idea I floated a while back. If your main problem is porn addiction, you are basically in the exact same position as everyone else on this entire forum. The best way appears to be Hard Mode No-PMO. The rules for dealing with this are relatively straight forward, it is just a lot easier said than done. However, there is no shortage of reliable information on Gary's website, and plenty of success stories too.

    Many of us on here however fall into a slightly different category. If you had this fetish (or any fetish) prior to regular porn use and it was the only thing you got off to then I honestly think abstinence in itself will do relatively little. I actually think orgasmic reconditioning is probably a better way forward. I have mixed and matched both strategies and to the extent I have made progress I think it has just as much to do with the reconditioning. I can't find many success stories for guys in this category, but the best one I have found is a guy who deliberately abandoned No-PMO when he realised it wasn't working. I know this is controversial for some people, but I just thought I would put it out there.
     
  18. NewHope972

    NewHope972 Member

    Yes, unfortunately I don't think just hardcore no-PMO works for me. I've had this fetish for as long as I can remember, and have reached the 90-day milestone of no masturbation at one point as well. That didn't help me get erect when the time came (although the fact that the encounter was with a hooker might've played a part as well). However, orgasmic reconditioning on vanilla porn doesn't help much, and doesn't really cure the underlying symptoms, as well reinforcing the pathways connecting arousal to the virtual world. Also getting a girlfriend, and knowing that you can't sexually please her, is very domoralizing. It's a vicious cycle.

    Also, this month hasn't been great for me. I masturbated 15 times in total up until now, and generally haven't had much motivation recently. I feel like I can't afford to slip up even a bit, on any of the fronts. If I don't wake up early, have a decent breakfast, go to the gym, go study, eat healthy, not drink, not keep my apartment clean at all times, not wash the dishes immediately after use, it all goes to shit, one by one. Which in itself is very tough to do, and the reason why this journey can be so hard. Also, I feel like I need to incorporate something new into my routine, because what I've been doing for the past year doesn't really work. Any ideas?

    NewHope
     
  19. Redemption

    Redemption New Member

    Well reading through your posts it sounds like we are very similar. Same issue, similar approaches, similar experiences in terms of success and failure. Is good to know we are not alone in this, which is a good enough reason to keep this group going.

    Your first post though... you were reporting a success story? So you have basically succeeded before? Why can't you just do that over again?

    Here is my advice, based on the limited info I have about your situation. I can go into detail if you have more specific questions...

    I think the main thing you need is to just get a girlfriend. The issue holding you back in this respect is fear of failure and believing that not being able to perform will mean they will reject you or not stay with you. This is probably true for some girls, but for many decent girls they would tolerate this problem. It just depends on the girl. In addition, by the time you reveal this problem to her, she would already like in you in any case, which changes her way of looking at it. If she does decide to 'reject' you then while that is obviously very difficult to take, that is not the sort of girl you would want to be in a stable relationship with in any case. You want someone who deserves your love, rather than just some random girl looking for a quick fling. By this stage you would hopefully have some idea as to the kind of girl she is.

    You will inevitably find yourself in the position where you have to tell her this dark secret of yours (although not in too much detail...) and when you do frame it like this 1) I am telling you this because I care about you and I think you are very attractive, so I don't want you to think this is somehow your fault and 2) I totally understand if this means we cannot be together. The key point here is you are coming from the mindset of 'I am on this journey toward freedom. I am not there yet but success is inevitable in the long run. If you are patient, then I would love to share this journey with you, but if this is too difficult for you then I understand'. You are not coming from the mindset of 'Please don't reject me I am so desperate I just really need anyone to fix me...'.

    When you get to this stage the trick is to keep her satisfied sexually in other ways. You get lots of practice going down on her. For many women, it is actually easier for them to reach orgasm in this way.

    Feel free to PM me any time, although I am only on here intermittently these days. I will update if and when I do have a major breakthrough. I would also strongly suggest reading through the posts of White_Wolf. He was in the same boat as us and more or less fixed it. He is basically the only guy I can find who had a pre-porn fetish who has managed to conquer this beast. Having read your posts though and heard about the successes you have already had so far, I am genuinely convinced you can beat this shit, especially as you are still in your early twenties. It may take a while, but you will get there in the end.
     
  20. Mr Know It All

    Mr Know It All New Member

    Hey guys,

    Sorry for not posting for the past few months. I've been doing some hard core exploring of the root causes of my femdom fetish and how to solve it, and I've come up with some interesting answers. I like where this forum is going, from the comments above I can see that people are heading the right direction. The right direction is NOT as simple or obvious as just quitting porn (even though quitting femdom porn IS an essential step that needs to happen).

    I will post my findings in a few days when I buy a new laptop as I am working at the moment and my post will be too long for me to have the patience to type it on my iPhone. For now, take ramo's advice from the previous page and read the blog that I have linked to. Also, these most recent comments above seem to be pointing in the right direction.

    I honestly believe that we are starting to figure this out and if as many people as possible jump in and share their knowledge and experiences, we can figure this out and rewire to normal sex.

    Let's do this guys. Like I said, I'll post in a few days with my findings
     

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