Saving my marriage and life

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by spinergy, Mar 19, 2012.

  1. spinergy

    spinergy New Member

    I have mixed feelings about starting a journal here (due to privacy concerns).

    I'm a 48 yo married father. I've had a PMO problem off and on for probably 15 years. I have ED now and very little sex with my wife. She caught me at the computer a few years ago and reacted as if she'd caught me in an affair. I made a half-hearted effort to stop but soon was back at it. She caught me again a year later, and I stopped again for a while. Having talked to her a BIT about it, I now have a better understanding of why she feels so hurt. YBOP opened my eyes further. I blamed my ED on being out of shape and taking medication, but I know it's been the PMO. I stopped for a while last year but relapsed again in the fall.

    This is day 12 since start of latest reboot for me.

    Priority #1 for me is rebuilding my relationship with my dear wife. I can see now how this thing has damaged our life together. I simply can't be open about this with her--based on her prior reactions I fear she'd freak out and probably leave me if I confessed to this kind of "addiction." I've broken other addictions on my own (tobacco), and I hope to do it again. The fact that I've had limited success in the past gives me hope (although the relapses are very discouraging).

    I've always had mood swings, so I can't tell the extent to which they are related to PMO or the lack thereof. But I am absolutely certain that P, and PM, have been very destructive.

    I hate what I've become. I hate what I've done to my wife. I feel like this is my last chance (I hope it's not too late).
  2. ssk08

    ssk08 Pointman

    I think you should at least tell her the cause of your ED, that it's no way her fault. She is still there with you even after being caught twice, doesn't she deserve the whole truth? It's risky, life is risky, especially for men. If you know you've told her the truth, you've done everything you can and that is true happiness. Because the risk of slipping back into old habits will always be there, so telling the truth may increase her tolerance.
  3. TheUnderdog

    TheUnderdog Active Member Staff Member

    Hey man don't worry about your privacy. Just make sure you don't reveal where you live and avoid posting very specific details about your job.

    If you use Chrome or Firefox then make sure you enable private navigation every time you come to the site so that it doesn't get recorded in your browser history.

    Are you engaging in bonding behaviors with your wife?

    This is crucial, man.

    To learn more about it read this:

    Welcome to the forum!
  4. Paulier

    Paulier New Member

    I totally understand about not wanting to tell your wife - I'm about the same age and in a similar situation. I haven't told my wife and don't plan to. What I'm going to do is recover from this addiction and rejuvenate my relationship with my wife.

    Underdog - thanks for the Reuniting link. I've always thought that cuddling etc is important - now I have a reason to do it more!
  5. spinergy

    spinergy New Member

    ssk08 -- Thanks for the reply. I understand your position, it's just that in my case the negatives of complete openess outweigh the positives, at least right now.

    Underdog -- Thanks for the link and the welcome.

    Paulier -- Thanks for the reply. That's my plan too. Maybe we can talk to them more freely after a few years of sobriety and rebuilt trust.
  6. spinergy

    spinergy New Member

    Day 13...occasional mild situational urges to view P...either when under stress (avoidance) or after relieving stress by completing project or other work success (endorphins from stress relief make brain want more?). Otherwise, zero libido. Feeling good about being on track though. I'm curious and hopefule about the positive effect of reboot on motivation and attitude ... my business is at a transition point right now ... I need to be on the ball.
  7. spinergy

    spinergy New Member

    Day far so good: morning wood first time since last reboot period (75% but I'll take it!); no P urges so far; some moodiness.
  8. gb0138

    gb0138 Guest

    I am in a similar situation as you. I am also married and haven't had sex for a long time with my wife due to my porn addiction. I just found this place and have been free for 8 days. I am hoping to make a big change as well. I already feel better and I think with time I will be having sex with her again. It's just a damn shame it took so long to find out what the problem was.
  9. spinergy

    spinergy New Member

    Thanks for the reply. I agree about the damn shame, but all we can do is be better men now and in the future.

    Day 15 and still pretty much flatlining, which is probably why few urges.

    I find myself consciously avoiding links in blogs etc to potentially sexy subjects.....the brain triggers are so sensitive to the slightest visual P cue...
  10. spinergy

    spinergy New Member

    10am on Day 16. Woke up with first real (at least 95%) erection I've had in many months--I realize the morning wood I had two days ago was more like 60%. No PMO urges so far, but some anxiety/moodiness.
  11. spinergy

    spinergy New Member

    Day 17 midday. No real urges so far today. Kinda flat. Some procrastination, which I think is a sign of anxiety.
  12. Existential

    Existential New Member

    I hope to learn from married guys a lot since you guys obviously know first hand what works and what doesn't when it comes to long term relationships. I normally like to read from people of my age group (I am 26) and relate to what they are going thorough and provide support. But I think that your guys experience is extremely valuable and hope to understand and learn more from reading these kind of posts (I will also be supporting you guys and anyone who needs it). Hope you start re-balancing your body pretty soon and re-ignite your love life.
  13. MetaMorph

    MetaMorph New Member

    Good work man! You're about 3 days ahead of me, let's keep this going!!

    Sorry your relationship with your wife has been damaged so much! However after this reboot she will welcome you back and forget the past! I believe that in a short time you two will be experiencing a level of love, trust and sexual fulfillment that you haven't had in a long time!! TO HELL WITH PORN let's get our lives and our wives back!!!!! :mad: ;D
  14. spinergy

    spinergy New Member

    Existential and MetaMorph--thanks VERY much for the encouragement--it's much appreciated.

    Day 19--flatlining--no morning wood since day 16 and no sexual desire at all. Slight PMO urge earlier today. Mood is generally good, however.

  15. spinergy

    spinergy New Member

    Day 20. The good news--no relapse and negligible PMO urges. The bad--flatlining and feeling anxious and crappy. On the other hand, it's a beautiful day, and I'm still master of my domain.

    I realize it's a little campy, but I like this Kipling poem, and it seems apt:


    IF you can keep your head when all about you
    Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
    If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
    But make allowance for their doubting too;
    If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
    Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
    Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
    And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:
    If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
    If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
    If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
    And treat those two impostors just the same;
    If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
    Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
    Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
    And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

    If you can make one heap of all your winnings
    And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
    And lose, and start again at your beginnings
    And never breathe a word about your loss;
    If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
    To serve your turn long after they are gone,
    And so hold on when there is nothing in you
    Except the Will which says to them: 'Hold on!'

    If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
    ' Or walk with Kings - nor lose the common touch,
    if neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
    If all men count with you, but none too much;
    If you can fill the unforgiving minute
    With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
    Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
    And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son!
  16. Joss is Boss

    Joss is Boss New Member

    Ha ha - I've always liked If... Good work spinergy, keep going. It really does feel like becoming 'master of my domain' doesn't it. Definitely worth some short term pain for gaining control over yourself again.
  17. spinergy

    spinergy New Member

    Thanks, Joss!

    Day 21. Still flatlining. No morning wood. Some increased sensitivity, however. Mood is uneven--still some anxiety/down feeling, but this may be related to other issues. Feeling good about reboot progress.

    One not entirely pleasant aspect of rebooting is thinking about how far gone I was at times with PMO and how I let it screw up my life. The effect on sexual function and relationships is obvious. Now that the scales have fallen from my eyes a bit, the non-obvious effects become apparent. The loss of time, drive, self-respect.... It's depressing.

    I loathe what I have become. I say "have become" instead of "had become" because I'm only in the beginning stages of recovery.

    These negative thoughts are useful as motivators to a point. However, dwelling on them becomes counterproductive.

    So, I look out the window at the glorious day and try to focus on what I can do now -- today -- to be the man/husband/father I want to be.

    This forum does help.
  18. james_992

    james_992 Guest

    How do you cut down on your fantasies or fantasizing ??? i seem to have a huge problem there ,any advice ?
  19. Paulier

    Paulier New Member

    Hey Spinergy, thanks for the Kipling. I used to have this on my wall when I was a kid. You're doing great - stick with it.
  20. spinergy

    spinergy New Member

    Not a problem for me at the moment--libido is very low right now.

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