Relapsed and feel shame, lost at 28. Losing hope, I gave in and edged which lead to this.

Discussion in 'Pornography Addiction' started by thelostsoul, Apr 26, 2018.

  1. thelostsoul

    thelostsoul New Member

    At this point in my life, I can’t call myself a man. Regardless of an associates in art that I feel is useless, because of my lack of drive and discipline. At 28 , no place of my own, an unfinished bachelors degree I’m unsure of, living with my parents, giving up going to my previous job despite an unstable work history along with an interview for another job thats 3-9am which I hope can help me reprogram my thoughts from any temptations,withdrawal from remoron to treat my depression and sitting in a room all day in isolation with no tv on. Porn is the deep root of everything I’ve experienced these past months. Really the last 17years if so. Can’t remember how long its been but I’m ashamed to be in public. I feel I’m better off dead and wish i could’ve traded places with my dad, two years it’ll be since his passing. I don’t see a purpose for me hear and honestly. I doubt If I can overcome this and make a life for myself to move out, have a car, or even go back to college after a break down that lead to me withdrawing to return but forget to reapply for my loan, if I can return to college radio which fulfilled me.I don’t know if Im capable of a career. I’m at the end of my rope
     
  2. matthewmammothrept

    matthewmammothrept Administrator Staff Member

    Hye lostsoul, I used to be exactly like you. 31, live my parents. Some people may judge me for that, but I don't care. I felt exactly like you several years ago. But I changed. I decided to work with what I have. I may not be as smart as other people. I may not be as sociable as other people. I may not be as driven as other people. I learned to accept these things about myself. I started working with what I have right now. I made a life for myself that I am content with. And I pushed myself to explore new things and challenge myself to grow. So accept where you are right now, and work with what you have. Don't get me wrong, acceptance doesn't mean that you aren't going to change. It just means getting rid of the resistance to what your life is like right now. Once that resistance is gone, it will be a lot easier to make the necessary changes.
     
    Brit_91_kd and thelostsoul like this.
  3. thelostsoul

    thelostsoul New Member

    Thanks, I really appreciate that. Resistance is tough especially with not being in college for a year because I thought I could manage this and move forward with grief and other challenges . However, I’m struggling to accept where I am because I don’t know what my future holds and if I have it in me to go back. Worried about reapplying because of an episode I had during lab in a class which led to my withdrawal and whether I’ll be admitted. I’m at a crossroads and with pmo, I’m ashamed to tell my family, friend and a girl whom I had been fwb with that’s been a good supportive friend even I was distant. Stopping medication is also a worry because the last time I was on antidepressants, I went cold turkey which may have shaken things up a bit, but knowing the root of my mental health has led me to reconsider any medication. This is a long journey
     
  4. doneatlast

    doneatlast Active Member

    Hi there thelostsoul, and welcome.

    First, on the job/financial stuff... that is, sadly, a common story with this generation, and I think many of us (I am 35) beat ourselves up unnecessarily. It is hard out there. Lots of jobs that don't pay a living wage, lots of other jobs that want incredibly specific qualifications/experience (the computer world is terrible, you can be an absolute genius but if your certifications aren't dead on for what they want, forget it), and cost of living continuing to go up. No need to beat yourself up over it.

    I've been an adult living with my parents, too. The key to keeping your head above water and not letting it feel bad is to have an adult relationship with them. If you instantly turn back into the 13 year old self, and your parents talk to you like you're still 13... yeah, that can feel bad. But, if you take responsibility for the home as though it was your own... cleaning, maintenance, cooking, whatever you're good at... then it will feel very different. After my mom died, I was more a roommate for my dad, and honestly it was really good that I was there for her last days and to help him out.

    The other things you hate about yourself... don't hate yourself. Hate the porn. The real you that will emerge on the other side of porn is a truly great man, it just has to be unburied. The porn wants you to think you're trash and that it is the only thing that will make you happy, but in fact it is the porn that is trash. Remember that when you're feeling down and tempted to relapse. You're clearly a good guy, and while there is a lot of work ahead of you, you do have a lot to look forward to.

    It sounds like you have the potential for some real creative outlets, given the associates in arts and the college radio stuff. The problem is that our pleasure from art is sincerely diminished under porn. Into your reboot you may find those tastes returning. It could be something to look forward to, your muse coming back. Just a thought.

    How is your insurance? I'd get some help on the meds. I've known some who were on meds after a breakdown, and they seem to give people some pretty rough stuff at first (benzos), and getting off can be tricky. If you're attempting that at the same time as a reboot, you could make things dangerous for yourself, especially if you're having suicidal thoughts. My gut tells me to tackle one thing at a time, unless the meds are causing imminent problems. Eating well and getting some moderate exercise can do wonders for some people too.

    Good luck. Stay in touch.
     
  5. thelostsoul

    thelostsoul New Member

    Thank you, I’m realizing it is especially for folks my age and those whom are leasing or renting homes. Really looking to this interview Monday for an internship despite an interview for UPS, luckily I still have my recent gig despite it slowing up for a bit.

    Agree, its a struggle but somehow me and my family get along under one roof.

    Feel like I’ve been wearing a mask for 17 years and the new therapist I have since my recent one had moved up into a new position, I feel addressing my addiction is key. Went 45 days earlier this year,before relapse, looking to continue on fighting because I’m seeing how dangerous this is.

    Facts, I’m nervous about paying my enrollment fee to re enroll back in school because of an incident that led me spazzing out and breaking a fire emergency hose holder. Lead to a withdrawal then ended up missing the window to reapply for my loan for school. Just wondering if I’ll get back into school, because working in college radio is like my zen garden and art is something that always drew me up till being out of school a year to deal with grief. I agree with it returning, the key may be is to just try even if it’s not as result prone but just getting into motion.

    As far as insurance goes, I was paying out of pocket and the remeron, gave me appetite back but made waking up and getting out the bed hell along with feeling numb all day and even having thoughts of suicide.

    Had to come to a realization that due to porn and me isolating myself during my earlier years of college, I was blind to it. I’ve accepted that porn has been the root of my depression and although zoloft was used earlier in the years, after almost 8 years of that along with going cold turkey last year to return to it this year only to end up with no appetite, cold sweats and insomnia. I’ve danced with the devil with pitch black shades and I feel therapy and discipline to quit pmo, will be the key to my recovery along with communicating on here.
    Thanks for responding

     
  6. matthewmammothrept

    matthewmammothrept Administrator Staff Member

    Worrying doesn't help much. I know it is hard to stop, even impossible. But consider: you are living your life right now, not in the future. Concentrate on what is important now. Leave the future for the future. Do the dishes, work out, help your mother with household chores, reapply for that loan. Do these things without expecting anything from them. Do them just to do them. A meditation practice can help with creating such an attitude.

    I'd also try to get out an meet some people. Staying in your room all day with yourself is not healthy. It is probably contributing to your depression. Get involved. Volunteer. Get more involved in your church/ temple/ mosque/ sangha/ ashram if you are religious. Join a local Meetup (check out Meetup.com) for something you are interested. Socialize and let other people remind you how exciting life can be.

    Also, get involved with art again. It will be a great substitute for porn and will help you reboot.
    Your life right now can be your zen garden. Learn how to not mind what happens in your life. As you can't control your life, learning how to not mind what happens is the best way to live life without going crazy. Again, a meditation practice is good for developing this sort of attitude towards life.

    Please keep us updated on your progress. Hope all goes well with reapplying to college and your interviews.
     
    spoofy likes this.
  7. Sticky

    Sticky Member

    There's alot of good advice in the thread and to add my 2 cents, I truly believe nothing short of a spiritual awakening is enough to overcome this illness (for a lot of people). A good strating point would be to find a higher power and ask for help, pray every morning and every night and ask for help to stay sober and be thankful for all the good things in your life that you can be grateful for. Dont fight the illness, surrender and let God fight the battle for you, let go of fighting somthing so powerful.

    Try: a religous service once a week, connect with other addicts in the flesh, join a support group, meditate for at least 20 minutes a day, clean your diet, drink vegetable smoothies, remove sugar, turn off the television, install filters, join a gym. And when times get really tough, take some deep breaths, become present and ask god for help.

    You are no different from anyone else who has overcome this illness, recovery is inside of you and it is achievable.
     
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  8. thelostsoul

    thelostsoul New Member

    Thanks alot. New week ahead.


     
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  9. doneatlast

    doneatlast Active Member

    I'll add that if Catholicism is your spiritual avenue of choice, take full advantage of the sacrament of reconciliation. It is a very, very powerful tool.
     
    Sticky likes this.
  10. le_petit_moster

    le_petit_moster Active Member

    Dear 'thelostsoul'-
    And all who gave advice to him should receive commendations.

    If I may suggest, would you be open to try self hypnotism based methods?
    The good thing is you can work on all the methods in parallel, sort of using different keys and finding the right one.

    If so, I would like you to take a look at the hack-book I have written and which was well received and worked for so many.
    There is no obligation and it is free. Simple but very powerful. I requires you to un brainwash yourself.
    I wish you well and urge you to continue to pursue your goals.
    Cheers-
     
  11. thelostsoul

    thelostsoul New Member

    Definitely open to it, I’ll check that book out and I appreciate you providing me your input. Thanks

     

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