reboot journal support appreciated

Discussion in 'Ages -19' started by koolman, Jul 13, 2016.

  1. koolman

    koolman Member

    Day 3

    I'm trying to quit I don't feel much purpose to life I find everything pointless. I want to improve my life starting with quitting this.

    my best streak so far has been 58 days I want to reach 90.

    I noticed how much peoples lives improved once they gave this up and I want to improve my life in a similar fashion.
     
  2. koolman

    koolman Member

    Day 4-5

    just wondering when things will get better I feel bored and have no motivation for anything.

    I'm starting college in a couple of months and frankly I don't want to It feels like I'm just going to fail because I have no motivation to do well. Besides I got classes I don't like etc..
    I cant help but think Its a waste of time just sitting and spending 4 years writing papers when I could be doing something else that I actually want to. something useful the problem is I'm scared to do so and I don't know what the thing I want to do is.

    Maybe I feel no motivation because of porn. Its weird your supposed to improve your life to reboot better when porn addiction has made you not want to improve it.

    You cant help but to want more days to pass by without pmo because of the hope that after a big number of days such as 90 days life will somehow improve itself because you no longer have the symptoms of porn addiction.

    I am not sure if the claims that once you hit 90 days your life majically improves are true but frankly its all I got. I am not sure how else to improve my life. I cant just eat motivation fruit and grow motivation and love of life by eating such things cause THEY DONT EXIST!
     
  3. koolman

    koolman Member

    Day 7

    I cant believe how many times I have started these topics usually I make a journal than a few days later or a week later maybe even 2 I relapse and never look back at the journal again.

    I start a whole new one.

    Mostly because I feel a relapse messes up the topic and I want it to be perfect plus its entertaining to watch someone go through a bunch of days then one by one beat this addiction to a pulp slowly day by day. Its fun to see and read about I have seen it a lot on this forum and I want to do so as well.

    so far my days I have been ok usually I don't talk about erections and Boners cause I feel that's weird. Plus I don't really have a problem with those I think my problem is I have a porn addiction which I cant control and has messed up my life and brain and limited my potential and I want to regain and reach that potential. Basically I think quitting this habit will allow me to reach my full potential and basically improve my life.

    Later on I think I will talk about where I was before the addiction and how it has changed me for the worse and messed up life.

    If I continue to do well and remain on this winning streak Ill start writing about how things are improving I'm not going to talk about my penis really sorry.

    In terms of improvements I'm not noticing much so I will wait a while these things take time.
     
  4. koolman

    koolman Member

    Day 9

    I couldn't deal with the depression for the last couple of days I was still so miserable. So I decided to bring back some old habits which I now don't think was such a good idea. For one I started gaming again and watching Naruto shippuden continuing where I left off and basically finished now. I binge watched all of the latest English dubbed episodes.

    I redownloaded steam it was hard to delete from the beginning though but once I deleted it I felt quit proud like I was gaining some of my life back. But after almost a year I downloaded it once again and played for a few hours. I feel kind of demoralized now like I temporarily lifted the pain but now its back It isn't that bad though I guess. Still feel terrible in the inside though. I sold my xbox one before too now I regret it a little although It wasn't a totally terrible idea it did have internet explorer and with no filter as well. Plus I relapsed a few times using it sadly so maybe it wasn't a completely terrible idea to sell it.

    I was looking at gaming pc parts and laptops etc...
    Ill try to avoid this and find other hobbies for myself.

    I want to improve my life though and turn it into something worth living. I feel that is impossible though. Of course just cause I feel that way doesn't mean its true. :) I still have hope things will get better I just don't know how.

    Ill try to avoid the bad habits like video games so I don't feel bad afterwards.

    The days are going smoothly though so far.

    I'm going to try and turn my life around.ia

    things will get better I know it.
     
  5. koolman

    koolman Member

    Day 14

    Had fun with some friends and fixed some problems along the way made things a bit easier for me.

    I hope things keep getting better.

    I had a few wet dreams the funny thing is they are kind of about me relapsing then I wake up and find out I didn't relapse the funny thing is it feels like I chose to relapse. I used to have sexual types of dreams before this addiction but in those dreams I would resist those desires.

    But My conscious isn't complete in my dreams plus I have seen people have similar dreams during their recover but still end up going a lot more than 90 days and continuing despite them so I wont let them get to me.

    Also the wet dreams I guess are a good sign of healing.
     
  6. koolman

    koolman Member

    relapsed

    but I wont quit this topic until I manage to make at least 30 days clean and at most 60 after ill start a new topic that hopefully will be perfect up to 90 and beyond.

    I want to use this topic as a learning platform.

    I strengthened k9 filtering

    I blocked all search engines(I know crazy) but after this relapse I realized I had a broken leg and for now I cant walk on it. I cant browse like non addicted people do. this addiction is like that broken leg. I have to wait till it heals to walk on it again.

    also blocking the search engines will help me avoid aimless browsing. which is a big factor of relapse for me and many others.
     
  7. koolman

    koolman Member

    I'm going to talk about how I got here maybe since I relapsed.

    I was once an 11 year old kid who once knew nothing about sex accept for 2 things 1 it involved a woman and 2 it was something I thought grown ups did.

    I didn't really know what it was actually. I used to think when watching a show the she slept with him or he slept with her meant they actually slept together in the same bed I didn't know it had anything to do with sex let alone what sex was.

    That all change when I was 11 years old.

    they say average age for exposure to porn is 11 I guess I'm a statistic then.

    I was looking through the tv channels alone. no parents around a rated R movie. It was basically soft core at most. but explicit nonetheless. I didn't know what was going on but I felt shocked to see it I change the channel quickly. I put the channel back unfortunately I think it was out of curiosity.

    I think that's when I figured out what sex was they explained that in the movie to me unfortunately.

    That is when my addiction I think truly began.

    Ill continue my story next week same day.
     
  8. koolman

    koolman Member

    i know if i keep trying i will leave this.

    i started gaming more.
    t
    but i want to try to balance a bit better. i don't wan to game forever especially when i have a family i do it because its hard to find something to fill my time.

    Any people in the same boat.
     
  9. Paul1234

    Paul1234 New Member

    Hey dude. You seem to have similar problems as me. I would suggest a few things: Firstly your post about an alarm is pointless get a timer on your devices that prevents you from browsing the web so much. Secondly at a set time turn off all devices so you dont have access to them. Thirdly download K9 web protection for your PC this completely blocks porn. Anything else you have trouble feel free to message me. Good luck you can do this.
     
  10. koolman

    koolman Member

    Thanks paul for the advice.Glad to know Im not talking to myself every time I post.

    Been out of the forums for a while and I have been doing kind of terrible.

    4 days has been one of my longest streaks for the month of august so far.Unfortunately.

    I changed a few things just to get those 4 days I turned of the computer at a much earlier time instead of 2 a.m.11 p.m definitely helped my 1 day streak increased.

    I have k9 installed but unfortunately I know how to bypass it a little which I hate it ruins the filter for me.But I keep it cause it still blocks the porn sites perfectly well. But there are other ways with other websites to get it unfortunately that you could bypass k9 on if you know how which I hope you do not end up finding out. The way to avoid finding out is to not use the internet to compulsively for to long to avoid getting an urge that you cant resist to fulfill.

    There is ways I know of to make k9 full proof and unbypassable in terms of getting videos and even images if you want to really filter it. But you need a person who lives with you and you wont be able to download things on your computer anymore. But there is no way you will get any porn on it for sure.

    However my phone is filtered really well theirs no way i could get porn on it thankfully. I only allowed like 5-6 websites on it and I put a password that only a family member knows it. The lack of websites will also help me not use the internet too much on the phone which I am not thankfully. Its my laptop.

    I added an accountability partner today who actually checks up with me etc.. he will know once a week when I relapsed cause I am using a program from fortifyprogram.org. they email a person you add as an accountability partner once a week on what days of that week you relapsed which is good. I encourage its use.
     
  11. TheYoungOne

    TheYoungOne Member

    Hey man!
    I've just recently joined this forum and wanted to let you know that I'm reading your posts and that we're all in this together! (Might be a bit cliche but it's true :) )

    Jim Rohn says in order for your situation to get better, you have to get better. If you haven't read The Slight Edge yet I highly recommend you read it (even though I just started it myself lol) I think it's going to really help you in the lifestyle change.

    I suggest that when you're bored you check out Jim Rohn. In my opinion anyone who wants to change their life should have him as one of their mentors.

    Just know that you're not alone and we can all get through this!! We'll come out stronger than ever!
     
  12. koolman

    koolman Member

    Thanks Young one appreciate that I have heard a lot about this book although I dont see how it could help me ill try and see if I can get a hold of it somehow.
     
  13. koolman

    koolman Member

    Anyways on to my story of porn addiction.

    So after finding out about sex and seeing that movie I didn't become hooked on porn I didn't go on the internet and look up sex. Instead it was the girl in the movie that I felt attracted to which was weird now that I look at it. Later I saw another movie with sex It was a horror movie. I dont want to say the name cause I dont want to trigger anyone. But this is when I starting hunting for sexual stimulus on pixels. I was 12 I think so about a year later.

    I was really attracted to it. I started hunting on the internet for this scene until my history was found. But I could never find the scene fortunately.
    So I didn't really get to in trouble. Then there was another show with sex I saw on HBO which again on accident triggered me. I started hunting for this scene as well and at this time I was 13.

    Eventually at school kids were talking about porn sites and said a porn site out loud which I looked up. And It was hardcore and disgusting it shocked me. And from there I never wanted to go to a porn site again that was my rule if I wanted to see sex it wouldn't be on a porn site. so I took a break from the whole sex on tv thing for a few months. After a year I saw a movie with a nude woman and other nude pictures.

    Eventually at 14 years old in 9th grade and the 2nd half of 8th grade I decided to do really well in school. 9th grade was an awesome kickass year were I did so well.
    I did a lot of great things. I had alot of motivation. But I was kind of a loner and a personality that didnt match with the other peers in my high school really. However I could talk with girls and I was ok at socializing. That all changed during my summer break.

    I was 15 had nothing to do and Alot of the time in 9th grade I used my free time to go on the computer. I would never go outside yet although I used the computer alot I didnt watch porn alot of the time it was religious material.

    I will continue on what happened during the summer and finnish the story of my addiction tommorow. Sorry for being so detailed but I find my story at least towrd the end different from others because I wasnt hooked on porn immediately like others It was gradual.
     
  14. Paul1234

    Paul1234 New Member

    In reply to your reply: Firstly I have found ways to bypass security to watch porn, therefore I would certainly recommend using the web less. Now internet blockers do a lot to help however what really achieves anything is your won self control. Now you will certainly feel, like watching porn on days however filling that time with other pleasure activities such as; listening to music or exercising will reduce those thoughts you have as they activate the same passage in the brain as porn does. Now remember something important: success is overcoming failure, relapsing although it doesn't seem like it will improve your determination. Finally I would like to add a clear link I've discovered: the better you live your life the more chance you have of abstaining. Good luck nothing can stop you.
     
  15. koolman

    koolman Member

    Thanks pual appreciate the advice you have been giving lately. I am going to take a break from video games and internet. well definitely video games I will try and do exercise but I also want to find other things to do other faptivities.
     
  16. koolman

    koolman Member

    Anyways on to my story 15 years old I start getting more excited for sexual material so I start watching sex scenes from movies because I didnt like porn. Eventually I found porn and liked it this time. So I continued watching but not masturbating after a few months I started to masturbate. I have been addicted for 3 years to porn going on 4 next month.

    From the beginning of my addiction I tried to fight it. I would go one week then relapse unfortunately. I found fight the new drug then when I was 16 yourbrainrebalanced.

    I went 3 weeks and a half. my next long streak is 1 month and 28 days. Now im going 3 -4 days then relapsing but im going to try to do better.
     
  17. koolman

    koolman Member

    Man I hate how I keep relapsing I used to do a lot better I'm going to try and avoid internet seriously this time accept on my phone but the filter on this actually works unlike k9. I will still try and be balanced with the way I use it though not fully Internet binging like I normally do which leads an urge to pop up then due to my weakened frontol cortex because of years of porn use I relapse.

    I can't find much to do though I have no motivation. I started losing interest in things that I used to enjoy before porn actually. But I think porn excacerbated the problem and made me lose all my interest. I think I need to reflect on myself and life and write about what it is that I want exactly. That might help 8)
     
  18. koolman

    koolman Member

    I didn't relapse today for those of you who might feeldisaapointed I just forgot to reset my counter yesterday so I did it today.

    So once finished with today if I go relapse free I will count this is day 1.

    Anyways I will start to post a lot more on this topic it will help me.
     
  19. koolman

    koolman Member

    I uninstalled k9 web filtering from the computer and decided I won't use it for Internet for the time being. Unless I am in the living room with family members but even then I will only use it for gaming cause it's a gaming pc.

    I have future plans for my reboot this time a battle strategy if you will I will make changes that will hopefully make Relapsing impossible.

    It's hard when your not gaming to find something to do. All I can think of to do other than porn is the following:

    1.video games

    2.tv

    3.mindless browsing (which I have to kind of learn by now causes a lot of relapses.
     
  20. koolman

    koolman Member

    Day 0

    I am insanely bored I want to play video games very badly.
    I have no idea of anything to do. I am resisting video games as I just played for a few hours in the morning.

    Going outside is boring for me cause there is nothing to do there.

    Tv can be triggering for me and boring


    Internet Browsing will probably end up pmo'ing

    Drawing not that good and No motivation to do it

    Exercise pointless if not done continuously each day. And there is no guarantee that this will happen.

    Meditate not fun.

    Pray: same kinda

    Read: I feel like I read to much.and sit to much

    Apply for jobs later..(Never)

    This is my usual thought process everyday when I come up with things to do.

    Hmm I'm beginning to see why I relapse so much actually I leave myself with nothing but porn I only like immidiate pleasuring activities short term rewards versus long term wow writing this stuff really helps.

    Funny thing Is I also didn't realize I literally wrote stuff for me to do accept the Internet browsing and maybe tv ;D
     

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