Porn's not the problem

Discussion in 'Success Stories' started by Wmhatcher21, Aug 21, 2017.

  1. Wmhatcher21

    Wmhatcher21 New Member

    Here's what I've learned.

    Porn is not bad. I'll repeat that, PORN IS NOT BAD. Fear and procrastination or whatever negative emotion is linked to escape through porn use is bad. Porn however is not the problem in life. These are consenting adults who are getting paid to perform a service that a lot of people enjoy without difficulty.

    If your current philosophy is :

    No porn = life is great, all my dreams come true, I'm the person I want to be
    With porn = everything is shit

    You will never achieve your goals and you're living a fantasy. Life is WAY harder than stopping watching porn and no porn does not mean everything will automatically improve for you.

    Here's what can be done:

    1) Let yourself off the hook - You're punishing yourself when you watch porn. You don't need to. Be kind to yourself, especially when you relapse. When you watch porn and don't beat yourself up it stops you binging so you can get back to being productive.

    2) Figure out what you want to do - Once you have a clear goal that you really want to make happen, everything falls in to place. Not that achieving your goals is easy, but your life will have meaning and purpose outside of abstaining from porn. If your goal is to stop watching porn then figure out what you want you'll never quit and you're letting fear dictate your actions. Really think about what you want and start working every day to achieve it.

    3) Start playing sport and exercising - It's just good for you. Join a sports club or find out where you can play a sport you're interested in local to you. It's important that you play with people too. With a shared activity like sport the focus is less on you, and your ego about who need to be, and just about having fun, getting the ball over or in the net and winning. Playing sport changed my life. Before I was working out solo and it didn't have nearly the same positive effect as when I started playing sport with other people. The social side is one of sport's greatest assets.

    4) Get a counsellor - This won't work for everyone. It took me a year before I found the right counsellor. You have to be willing to do the work.

    These are ways you can improve your life, not things that can hep you stop watching porn. If you are in the cycle of relapse, abstaining, then hating yourself when you relapse again, you are simply putting off getting your life in order. Get yourself together. Porn is not stopping you. YOU ARE.
    Last edited: Aug 21, 2017
  2. PillePalle

    PillePalle Member

    Good post and I agree with pretty much everything you say.
    Two comments from my point of view (not yet "cured" so maybe distortedview?): 1) Porn is a more of a symptom or outlet, you're right, and the root cause is (among other things) an addicted brain. However, getting rid of porn, i.e. "fighting" the addiction is the/a way to get back to normal and free up the resources necessary to do all the good things you talk about. 2) Not beating yourself up for a relapse seems right. However, you still need to be mindful/conscious of what led to the relapse to learn and grow in order to avoid the same thing from happening in the future.
    Pornfree Wanderer and Billy B. like this.
  3. Slater

    Slater New Member

    At first I was angry when I saw the title. It seemed to be one of these apologetic tries that it's only in your head and the problem is non-exisent or "only" psychological. But as I see it now, it is just a click-bait and you made valid points. A non-click bait title would have been "Porn is not the only problem". P starts as being only a symptom but as you get deeper down into addiction it get's a problem itself. We know that the brain itself changes by using it in a such a way that it lowers your ability to control your impulses and twists your preferences. Depression and social anxiety become highly intensified. You lose your libido and get ED. So some problems are only induced through the use of p and others intensified that they become an even bigger problem. You lose the ability to find joy in normal activities like interactions with humans you like because it messes up your reward circuit.

    I got rid of depression and social anxiety to a large extent by just not using p anymore, I didn't do other things. Just meditation, cold showers and a bit physical exercise (just cardio and push ups/ pull ups) to strengthen my willpower. My life has greatly improved only by this and knowing that negative coping strategies don't work out in the end will make me even suffer more in the end after the short pleasure they provide. I didn't even attack the root cause which I will certainly do in the future.

    Stop using P. Replace the void with healthy activities. Use methods to strengthen your willpower and learn to be a friend of yourself. Search for fullfillment, not only for simple pleasure, but don't condemn the latter.
    40New30 and Billy B. like this.
  4. Wmhatcher21

    Wmhatcher21 New Member

    Yeah cool. Pretty much agree with what you both say.

    When I wrote this, it was as much a statement to myself as anyone else. Kind of a commitment to keep perspective on things. I just think the issue goes much deeper than physical symptoms, addiction and resulting behaviour changes. These seem to be notions that most others are arriving at.

    For example, I suffered with a lot of social anxiety, but I had no friends to begin with! I wanted to blame porn but that was something I could have addressed myself and have begun to do now.

    As far as erectile issues go, I feel that a lot of the recovery stories on here are very self-defeating with the time frames they are talking about. It doesn't take years to get your boners back after watching porn, it takes days and weeks as long as you have the right partner.

    I'm tempted to suggest that erectile dysfunction might be a symptom of your brain revolting against all objectification of women. If you're with a girl who you don't really care about and are just with to make sure your dick works chances are it won't. 1. because you're putting too much pressure on yourself 2. because you're making it all about you and your dick. Porn gets the user used to thinking of sex as an act of taking, an act of power, usually of dominance over a woman. But real sex is an act between two equals which requires participation, sensitivity and friendship.

    For my example, I didn't have successful sex for about 7 years. I was with a partner and our relationship was toxic, we had sex once a year for about 5 years. It was not a happy coupling but due to fear we stayed together. That wasn't porn's fault that we were like that, but it was so easy to blame porn at the time.

    After ending that relationship I started to get my life in order and actually work on myself. But I didn't stop watching porn. It took meeting the right girl to finally give me the push I needed to stop for good. At first, my boners were not that strong I will admit and I had delayed ejaculation but after 3 weeks my boners were fine, super hard, and I was coming like Vesuvius after only a couple of weeks of not watching porn. I think that was because I really liked this girl, and our shared passion and companionship carried us through. There was no fear of failure, there was love and acceptance for who we really were.

    Maybe that is what our bodies are telling us we need, not a superficial pleasure that we only take from rather than give something of ourselves to.

    Would be interested to hear people's thoughts on this.
    Billy B. likes this.
  5. Wmhatcher21

    Wmhatcher21 New Member

    I don't disagree but what drives men in the first place to watch porn? Even 13 and 14-year-olds? Insecurity. You watch porn because you're horny and maybe you don't feel good enough to approach a real girl, or tell a girl you really like how you feel about her. Or you're too scared work on improving your life and your visions for yourself because you might fail. Porn is escapism from these negative feelings. It is hyper-stimulating emotional avoidance material. I know everyone's experience is different. I just think for those starting out they need to be wary of the "porn sucks the joy out life" argument. The question needs to be, "what can I do to bring joy in to my life?". Addressing fears and insecurities is a good place to start. It was for me at least.
    Billy B. likes this.
  6. NewTerritories

    NewTerritories virtual

    We don't agree on everything, and we don't need to. There's good stuff in here, thanks for making this thread.

    Not quite my experience. When I first got into porn as a teenager, I didn't have the conscious idea that this was a substitute for getting close to a real girl. I was unaware of any girls to approach, as a real possibility. My self-esteem was, in hindsight, so abysmally low that I didn't consider myself suitable for relationships. That was something for others. I had some vague idea that I'd grow into that later, without directed self-improvement work, and it'd 'just happen', maybe next year. I didn't see it as vitally important (and I still don't).

    If you're saying the motive for porn usage is wholly escapism, I disagree. I wasn't running away from bad feelings. I was running towards good ones. Lust, not fear. It was later on that escapism played more of a factor for me. As in seeking to dive in, immerse myself, get lost in porn... to push away boredom, anxiety, lack of hope.
    dacat1234 and Billy B. like this.
  7. lookingforlove

    lookingforlove looking to have meaningful and satisfying sex

    "coming like Vesuvius". :D
  8. cal8333

    cal8333 Member

    l8333 said:
    Porn is the problem, thats the whole point of doing this we have crossed our wires and gotten hooked on porn for an escape from real life and its problems. I started when I was 13, and have only had started successes stopping it in the last five years (34 now) when I became aware of it. Before that it was just like brushing my teeth every night, and I never thought twice about it.

    I do agree that people can be too hard on themselves and what not but you need to find a reason for giving up and try to hold on to that. For me it was the inability to have proper sex with a woman, I was able to get somewhat hard but not long enough to perform. Thats when I knew it was real and something had to be done.

    I've gone the past 7 months without it, had a few edging slip ups but never fully relapsed and had my first wet dream since I was teen a few nights ago. This was actually quite a relief as I thought I would go crazy without a release, but it seems our bodies just sort it out for us. The other thing that will drive you guys crazy is too focus on how much of an "Addict" you are, just get on with your lives dont come on here too much and develop that mindset.

    So I really do have to disagree with your statement, porn is the real problem and escaping from life and stress by using it leads to many problems in the long run, and stops you from reaching your full potential as a man. And can leave you feeling like a shell of a human who can't even fulfil a basic task like sex, which leads to depression and even more anxiety.
    Slater and dacat1234 like this.

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