On my way to a better life?

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Reboot79, Oct 18, 2013.

  1. Reboot79

    Reboot79 New Member

    Hello all,

    glad to have found YBOP and this forum!

    I am in my mid 30s and have two issues at hand: First, I started to PMO at the age of 12 or 13 and second, I have never had sex with a real person. What does that mean for me? I have absolutely no clue what my sexual orientation is and who I really am. And here is why: Even if I close to always fell in love with women (only once with a boy at the age of 23, who looked like a girl), I developed SOCD at a very early age, when I had feelings of attraction to another boy in my early puberty (he was on TV). That absolutely shocked me and I more and more started the road into depression as I got strong "forced" sexual fantasies towards men. Why do I say forced? They always popped up when I felt bad and never felt very pleasureable, quite the contrary. They were very torturing and self-humiliating. More like a burden I had to release with jerking off. Feeling like shit afterwards. And not because of moral issues, I never saw homosexuality as something bad. I just did not feel good. From this day on I constantly asked myself the typical questions like:"Do I like this guy or this girl more? Does he look good? Do I feel aroused?" and so on.

    This stayed with me to this day and I guess my porn habits did not help the issue either. I PMOed to porn very often starting with harmless "Playboy" pictures of women until I got high speed internet with 13 or 14. During my "career" I watched everything from hetersexual porn, to homosexual (lesbian and gay) porn, over to tranny porn. Mostly to videos, but also to pictures now and then. I found YBOP some months ago, but did not think of it too much until I had my first light sexual contact with via a erotic massage. The woman giving me the massage was absolutely beautiful and nice, but I could not get a hard erection (maybe 60%) and no orgasm the first time. I tried it a second time and had to think of (humiliating) homosexual porn to get an orgasm. I of course fell into a nice depression, as old feelings of disorientation have come up at once.

    Well, I am now on the quest to find myself by avoding all the porn. I have no clue if porn can have such an impact on oneself. Even if I read all the accounts here, I still have my doubts. But sadly doubting myself and my feelings is one of my primary character traits...so that is no wonder.

    So I am completly lost concerning my orientation and especially doubt all my previous feelings for women (which partly have been very strong, going on for months up to a year) as my SOCD tells me I am gay all the time, if I have sexual feelings for men. Funny thing is, I have never experienced a boner towards a real life guy, only fantazising. Sadly, only two or three times for a woman as well.

    Started to abstain from porn and porn fantasies since October 1st, though I have MO two times since then. Maybe this will help me to gain some clarification as the whole situation is destroying my life.

    Thanks for reading and maybe someone can relate or give some advice!
  2. the_lad

    the_lad No way I am wasting the next 15 years on PMO!

    Hello Reboot79, welcome to to YBOP! All of us on this site struggle with our own unique problems, but people are usually very supportive and have many suggestions for what to do. I think it can take a while to start seeing real changes in life, but the trick is to hang in there and not give up the process. I wish you the best of luck, and please keep posting!
  3. Reboot79

    Reboot79 New Member

    Thank you very much for the welcome, The Lad!

    It seems though, that my first two weeks are quite easy compared to others. No cravings so far. Still, I have had a very, very low mood on some days and again some humiliating thoughts, that I did not have for quite a long time and my SOCD seems to have spiked. Can this be related to the stop of PMO or is it just a coincidence?
  4. Reboot79

    Reboot79 New Member

    My last posting might be wrong as I seem to have cravings. But those cravings are towards sexual fantasies and masturbation. I think a lot about sex at the moment and even if I masturbate, the urge does not really diminish. And that somehow feels wrong.

    At least I am glad that I do not have the compulsion to watch porn. I have erased all of my pics and videos and the internet is no threat at the moment.

    So are those cravings connected to the use of porn or is it something different?
  5. Reboot79

    Reboot79 New Member

    I am not going to post every day, but this weekend is quite hard, so here is another one:

    My body and brain want to think about sex from the moment I woke up. It is really hard to ignore those thoughts and feelings. Very funny, because this urge isn't that strong usually. At least I do not remember it to be. Maybe it's because of the lazy weekend and just a coincidence, but to be honest, I hope it is a sign that something is happening in my brain as one of my biggest fears is, that abstaining from porn isn't going to change anything in my life. I somehow see it as a solution to some of my problems...
  6. Reboot79

    Reboot79 New Member

    Can anyone relate to the urge to fantasize? Fantasize about certain sexual situations without real people involved? It is currently very, very hard to resist these thoughts and stay "unaroused". Is this a facette of porn wd or is it a normal sexual habit of the brain?
  7. Reboot79

    Reboot79 New Member

    The hardest thing in my WD (at least I hope it is one) are the fantasies. Had a trigger in a talk an hour ago and now have the strong urge to MO to the triggered fantasy. It is soooo damn hard to resist those thoughts. Unbelievable. On the other hand, I have no urge to watch porn...

    Can fantasies also be a sign of withdrawal? Or are they just your normal sexual thoughts? But I guess it isn't normal to have this strong urge, if they were normal....
  8. Reboot79

    Reboot79 New Member

    42 days without watching porn and no real urge to do so. I hope it stays that way. Still have urges to MO, but I guess that is absolutely normal if you have no partner to relieve the natural need for sex and intimicy.

    But well, 42 days still seem to be quite early in "recovery". So I am curious what is popping up in the coming months.
  9. Reboot79

    Reboot79 New Member

    Hey me_vs_p,

    Thanks for the posting!

    Well, I have never fantasized about kissing a man and never had the urge in real life. But after reading about this "test" on this page, I of course began to rumminate about it...also quite normal I guess. Why has sexuality to be so damn complex....
  10. Reboot79

    Reboot79 New Member

    49 days and the urge to MO to fantasies is still strong and if I do it, there is absolutely no feeling of enjoyment/relaxation afterwards. It just feels like nothing or like shit. Still, I sometimes could jerk it right again. This just sucks.......
  11. Reboot79

    Reboot79 New Member

    And it's weekend again. Boring. Especially when nothing is going on and one has no partner, but strong sexual urges.

    I still have no cravings to watch porn, and I guess this will stay that way, but the urge to MO to fantasies is there on nearly every day. How can one endure that for months without "relapsing"? Sigh.......
  12. Reboot79

    Reboot79 New Member

    Again "relapsed" two days ago to MOing to a fantasy.....gosh that is it f****** hard to abstain. But to be honest, I do not feel guilty. I think it is very positive that I did not watch any porn till today and I am optimistic that it will stay that way.

    The difficult thing with the fantasies is, that I want to have them. I like sexual fantasies. I couldn't live without them and I think it is very natural to have them. Yes, I understand the idea behind abstaining for quite a long time to rewire the brain, but hell, this is hard....
  13. Reboot79

    Reboot79 New Member

    And another update in my little journal.

    I still haven't watched any porn since I started to abstain. Just looked at a pic now and then, but not intentionally. And since around 2 weeks I finally have my fantasies at bay. No MO to fantasies anymore. I hope I can pull through with that. I will see how I feel in March. Maybe then I will know better what my real sexual desires are.

    I think the worst thing in my live concerning my sexual disorientation was that I accidently watched a porn movie when I was around 6. Someone left it in a casette recorder and we (sister and me) found it. My parents told me that I absolutely could not cope with what I had seen back then. Shit....
  14. Reboot79

    Reboot79 New Member

    MO'ed some days ago but only to sensations. No porn (I am quite surprised that I am able to keep that at bay) and no fantasies. Still no huge changes in feelings and type of cravings. But well, a life on porn won't change after 4 months without I guess....

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